Two weeks after quarantine began…
Teri: My god, this place is a mess! I’ve been working extra hard these past few days since the company decided to transfer me to customer service, the least you guys could do is help me with the housework.
Cindy: We’re all on strike from doing housework. You locked us in the basement.
Teri: Don’t turn this around on us, you’re the ones that went out and exposed yourselves to the virus and you all admitted it.
Cindy: I know, I know.
Tammi: I just need some help around here. Everyone’s home, only two of us are working, and I’m the only one doing much of anything around here. I know Tammi tried to today but it’s hard with Steven.
Tammi: I promise I’ll try to help more. It’s been stressful since I’ve gotten out of quarantine, I’ve been helping Steven with a project.
Teri: That’s okay, you’ve done something. I just wish the rest of you would help out. Not you, dad. You’re working in the garden and that’s enough. You’re helping to feed us.
Karl: Are you sure? I feel like I could be doing more.
Teri: No, you’re spending four hours a day out in the sun with a mask on so it’s even harder to breathe. You’re good. And mom, you’re old and fragile so I don’t mean you either.
Betty: What? I’m not old or fragile! I’ll help.
Teri: And that, you see, is reverse psychology. If I told you to pick up the slack, you’d use the excuse that you’re too old and fragile to get out of it. If I brought it up first, you’d argue you aren’t old.
Betty: Damn you! Do I have to help now?
Teri: Obviously. You have to prove to me that you aren’t too old to help out, after all.
Betty: I guess I’ll help.
Teri: Thank you, I guess. Everyone, please do the same. Just do anything to help out around here. I know you aren’t busy.
Two days later, at a family meeting…
Teri: I see nobody has taken my helpful suggestion to start cleaning up the house. So, Tammi and I have come up with a fun new idea!
Tammi: We made a chore chart!
Teri: We spent all last night making it so it’s a bit messy but it gets the message out.
Cindy: How did you two get a poster board?
Teri: I had one in my room with my other crafting supplies. I always have a supply of emergency craft supplies just in case.
Cindy: In case what?
Teri: In case something like this pops up! Anyway, we’ve made a weekly chart of what everyone will be doing. It’s going to really help out. We also printed out personal charts for you all to keep. So, who’s ready to see their assignments?
Nobody says anything.
Teri: Alright! Lot’s of excitement in here today! So, we have twelve chores, thirteen family members, and seven days of the week!
Tammi: First up, taking out and collecting the trash! This includes both taking it out to the curb on Sunday and Thursday nights, and emptying the garbage containers in the house out every few days and taking them to the cans out back.
Teri: Frank, that’s gonna be you because you are trash! Kidding! I’m gonna try not to do those jokes anymore. Unless you drop the ball on this, then I’ll come after you with a vengeance.
Frank: Thank you? I guess I’m glad to not get harassed anymore.
Teri: Maybe! Just don’t let me down.
Betty: I’ll still do it.
Tammi: Uncle Ralph, you’re gonna go get the mail! And you have to wipe it all down with a Clorox wipe because Aunt Teri insisted on that.
Ralph: I guess it’s not the worst job. It’s relatively quick at least and I get a day off.
Tammi: That’s the spirit! Kind of!
Teri: Carlene, you’ll be doing the dishes from Saturday through Tuesday. Velma, you’ll do them Wednesday through Friday.
Carlene: Why do I have more days than Velma?
Velma: It’s because you’re new here!
Tammi: It’s not! It’s just the way it went. We tried to make things as even as possible.
Teri: Dad, you’ll obviously be doing the gardening every day.
Karl: And it will be my honor. But if you need me to step up somewhere else or take over for Carlene one day doing the dishes, I’d do it!
Teri: No! You’re good. Gardening is way more of a responsibility than most of these, you’re fine.
Karl: Okay, if you say so.
Tammi: Clearing the table after dinner and cleaning the table off isn’t a terribly huge job, but we have three people in charge of it. Danielle, you’ll take on the responsibility from Monday through Wednesday. Thursday and Friday will be Carlene. Velma, you get Saturday and Sunday.
Carlene: Velma has the same amount of days as me here? So she has less than me overall? I demand a recount.
Velma: Deal with it, toots.
Teri: Moving on because this meeting is running too long. Steven, you’ll be setting the table every day.
Tammi: I’ll show you how to do it tonight before we make you do it.
Steven: Alright, that doesn’t sound too bad.
Teri: Dusting is a big job but not one that has to be done daily. Mom, you’ll do it on Mondays.
Betty: That’s it? I got off easy!
Teri: We’re not done yet, we have like half the schedule to announce.
Tammi: Mom, you’ll be dusting on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.
Cindy: Is there any rhyme or reason to the days of the week? Are they important?
Teri: Just do them then, it’s not too hard. It helps keep everything on schedule and help the chores get done without confusion.
Tammi: Dad, you’ll be vacuuming on Tuesday and Wednesday and from Friday through Sunday. With thirteen people in this giant house, you might have the most important job of all.
Jerry: How’d I get stuck with this while Ralph gets to do the mail?
Ralph: The mail isn’t that easy to do! I have to wipe it all down!
Jerry: I hope you know how ridiculous that sounds. And if you don’t, I feel sad for you.
Teri: No need to get testy, Jerry. I had to do all the vacuuming myself these past few weeks because everyone in this house has been a lazy pig during quarantine.
Jerry: I wouldn’t know. I was locked in the basement.
Teri: Anyway, I decided to valiant take on the bathrooms. They’re all heavily used and need to be cleaned so often.
Tammi: As for the laundry, I’ve decided to take that on most days. I’ll do it from Thursday to Monday.
Teri: Mitchell, we have somehow landed on you as our Tuesday laundry person. We’re all scared and nervous about it.
Mitchell: Don’t be nervous! I can use a washer.
Teri: Hopefully. The loads should be lighter because most of us aren’t even changing every day. I personally can say that I’ve worn this sweatshirt for at least three days straight.
Tammi: Mom, you’ll do the laundry on Wednesday.
Teri: I’ll take on mopping duties for Monday and Tuesday. Danielle, you have them for Friday and Saturday!
Danielle: I’d complain about it ruing my weekend but those don’t really exist anymore, do they?
Teri: They do not! Thank you, norellovirus.
Tammi: This last one’s big because it has to be done every day and it helps keep us all alive. Dinner!
Teri: I’ll do it Sundays and Thursdays. Cindy, you have it Mondays.
Cindy: What if I don’t know what to make on a certain Monday?
Teri: Tough.
Tammi: I’ll do it Tuesdays, so get ready for lots of potato salad! Mitchell, it’ll be your job to make dinner Wednesdays and Saturday.
Teri: And mom, I hesitate to do this but you’re making dinner on Fridays. Please don’t put any plastic in the food this time.
Betty: My Tupperware just melted that time because I set it on the stove and some of it got in the food. It won’t happen again.
Velma: I never did like Tupperware. It’s so hard to clean and it’s always dirty.
Ralph: This is who we put in charge of cleaning our dishes? Oh no.
Velma: I’m great at cleaning dishes.
Carlene: Does that mean you’ll pick up another day so I don’t have more chores to do than you?
Teri: Everyone shut up! This family meeting is adjourned. Get back to watching Survivor or whatever the hell it is that you guys are spending all day binge watching.
One week later, at another family meeting…
Teri: I have to give you guys all a hand. You’ve been so helpful this past week. I’m so appreciative, the house looks so gorgeous and it’s thanks to teamwork.
Tammi: Psych!
Mitchell: Wow, Teri’s the good cop here. Didn’t see that one coming.
Teri: What the hell is wrong with you guys?
Mitchell: That’s more like it.
Teri: Not a single one of you actually fulfilled a week’s worth of your obligations. I only realized we weren’t getting mail because the box was overflowing by Friday and the mailman had to just dumb it all on our porch.
Ralph: Sorry.
Teri: Ralph it took me an hour to clean it all off because you didn’t get it for three days and fourteen people live in this house.
Carlene: Speaking of which, I just want to know why Daphne wasn’t given anything to do on the chore chart. Even Velma was given some responsibilities.
Daphne: Mom! Don’t remind them. Now they’ll put me on the schedule.
Carlene: Sorry!
Teri: Well, uh, quite frankly Tammi and I both forgot that Daphne lived here when we made the schedule the first time.
Daphne: Oh…
Teri: Don’t worry, we made a new one!
Tammi: I think you guys will like it!
Teri: We’ve take ourselves off the chore chart entirely. Weeks of doing everything, and that continuing even after we went through the effort to make a chore chart and asked you all to help nicely, has led to this. We get some time off. If you guys don’t all chip in, nothing gets done at all. The house will be a mess, you won’t eat, bills won’t be paid, it will be a complete disaster.
Tammi: We’re tired of being treated like servants around here. We aren’t your maids. Let’s see how things turn out now.
Cindy: I have to cook, dust and do laundry now? That seems extreme.
Teri: You should’ve appreciated having less responsibilities before.
Carlene: Velma has the same number of jobs as me now, I appreciate that.
Velma: Did I do something to you?
Carlene: Teri really did it. I just got annoyed you had less to do than me.
Teri: So therefor you both decided to make it even my doing zero things throughout the week. Gotcha.
Tammi: This meeting is over. Try to actually do some work this week, guys.
Karl: Okay, I’m gonna go work on my garden. See you guys soon.
Teri: Oh, just to clarify. Dad also did all of his responsibilities. Because of course he did.
Karl: I enjoy it. It doesn’t even feel like work for me. No need to point it out.
Teri: Why can’t all of you be like this?
Three days late…
Tammi: I miss dinner.
Teri: I miss clean bathrooms.
Tammi: I miss cleanliness in general.
Teri: It was a nice three days that that actually helped out before they stopped last week.
Tammi: Do you think they’re really forgetting or do you think they’re rebelling against us?
Teri: I think they’re just a-holes. Too lazy and selfish to care about anyone but themselves.
Tammi: You know that’s our family you’re talking about, right?
Teri: They are selfish though. I’m tired of cleaning up after them when they give nothing in return. I work. You’re a mom. We shouldn’t have to do all the housework when they arent’. even busy.
Betty: Hey! I heard that!
Teri: Well? Are you going to actually do anything about it? Or will you just be offended that I called you out?
Betty: I’m sorry I haven’t helped. Once you get into a pattern of just sitting around, it’s hard to break out of it. I haven’t had to clean or do anything around the house since the move. I’m used to just doing the things I like to do like baking and decorating for Christmas, not cleaning.
Teri: All I ask is that you try. I need some time off right now because I’ve been working my tail off for the past month making this house look nice.
Betty: I will try.
That night, after Teri and Tammi go to sleep…
Betty: Alright guys, let’s get to work!
Ralph: It’s three in the morning.
Betty: What can I say? Teri stays up late.
Carlene: Why are we even doing this now?
Betty: I want to surprise them. They’ve done so much for us these past few weeks, we can at least do this for them.
Daphne: They don’t even remember that I exist.
Cindy: Come on, Daphne. Nobody does.
Carlene: I think my daughter’s been attacked enough these past few days.
Frank: She should try being me!
Velma: Or me. Carlene’s clearly jealous of me.
Carlene: That’s rich.
Mitchell: No, we’re not rich. Look where we live.
Ralph: This is by far the nicest place I’ve ever lived.
Mitchell: But we all live together, it’s like a sitcom or something.
Betty: Guys! We have to stop arguing and get this house cleaned. Frank, you do the trash and then help with vacuuming.
Frank: Why both?
Betty: Because I said so. Ralph, you do the mail and vacuum.
Ralph: Do I still need to wipe the mail down with Clorox?
Betty: If your sister could do it along with doing every other chore, then you can do it too.
Ralph: Fine.
Betty: Carlene, you’re doing the dishes and when you finish that you can help in the bathrooms. Danielle, help with the dishes and you can help me with dusting.
Danielle: That doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll have to shower after it but who among us hasn’t showered at 5 AM?
Velma: I haven’t, but I’m all for trying new life experiences.
Betty: Jerry! Your only job is to vacuum.
Ralph: I call BS on that one.
Jerry: I don’t!
Betty: If you finish early you’ll help out anyone that hasn’t.
Jerry: Oh, fine.
Velma: How did Karl get out of doing this, by the way?
Betty: He’s done enough too. He’s the only one of us that hasn’t sat on his butt all day, every day. I’m letting him sleep.
Velma: As long as Carlene and Daphne are up, I’m good, I guess.
Betty: Cindy and Daphne, you’ll do the bathrooms alongside Carlene.
Cindy: I guess I’ll be showering too.
Velma: Who the hell isn’t showering after this? All of these are gross.
Cindy: I know, I know.
Ralph: I’m not. I’m just vacuuming and getting the mail.
Mitchell: That’s gross, dude.
Ralph: I guess I’m gross then.
Betty: Moving on, Velma and Mitchell will be mopping together.
Mitchell: Aww, a nice couple activity for us.
Velma: This isn’t nice.
Mitchell: Yeah it is!
Velma: It certainly is not romantic.
Mitchell: Did I say it was?
Velma: No, I guess not.
Mitchell: All I said was that it’s nice. Now let’s do this.
Betty: Yes, let’s! Everyone get to work!
The next morning…
Tammi: Teri! Get up!
Teri: Tammi, it’s ten o’clock on a Saturday. Someone better be dead or the house better be on fire for you to be waking me up.
Tammi: It’s not that big, but it’s big! Come out here.
Teri rolls out of bed begrudgingly and walks down the stairs.
Teri: Oh my god!
Tammi: I know!
Teri: The house is so clean and it doesn’t smell bad anymore! The laundry is done and there isn’t a pile of dishes in and surrounding our sink anymore and the stain is cleaned off our couch. Tammi: The kitchen floor isn’t even sticky anymore! I checked!
Teri: Is this what it feels like to be proud of your kid? Because in a way I feel like everyone in this family is my kid.
Tammi: Not exactly but kinda. I’m proud of them, too.
Teri: When the heck did they do all of this?
Tammi: While we were in bed, I guess. Clearly they wanted to surprise us.
Teri: What would really surprise us is if they stuck to it in the future. It’s a nice start though!
Two hours later…
Teri: Mom! Thank you for this! How did you guys do it?
Betty: It took a lot of work, but we were dedicated. Some of us more than others.
Teri: I know you mean Frank. It’s always Frank.
Frank: I was dedicated.
Betty: Frank actually did great. I was just joking.
Frank: It’s good to be appreciated for once.
Karl: Why didn’t anyone let me in on the plan? I would’ve helped, too.
Teri: Dad, you do enough!
Karl: Everyone always says that but it doesn’t feel true. I can help you guys if you really need it.
Cindy: You really do enough. Don’t think you don’t.
Teri: See, even Cindy thinks so.
Karl: Play nice girls!
Teri: I will dad.
Betty: Karl, Velma wanted you to help out but everyone else yelled at her over it.
Velma: That’s not exactly true. I appreciate Karl.
Karl: I know you appreciate me too. You don’t have to explain yourself.
Tammi: Okay, now that we have a nice, clean house once again, let’s remind everyone that we do need to continue doing our daily chores so the house doesn’t fall into disrepair like that again.
Teri: Tammi and I are still taking our two weeks off though no matter how nice you guys were to do this last night. We promise we’ll start helping out again after that. We must live by the chore chart. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to help dad garden today.
Karl: I was actually planning to take today off.
Teri: Oh. Sorry dad.
Karl: Just kidding! I’ll be happy to garden with my girl!
Teri: Not you, Cindy!
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