Betty: I’m glad we’re finally using this quarantine as a way to bring the family together.
Carlene: I admire the fact that you were able to find a way to make all of these games work with thirteen people, Aunt Betty.
Betty: It would’ve been fourteen too if Mitchell got out of bed!
Tammi: I know there’s an odd number of people but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make Frank be in a team all by himself. The rest of us are all paired up. You could’ve made him, Steven and I a team.
Betty: I didn’t want Frank to weigh anybody down. We all know he would.
Frank: I thought you guys were gonna stop this!
Betty: Teri promised that, I never did.
Frank: I just assumed…
Betty: You know what they say about assuming. It makes an ass out of you and me. Except it only makes an ass out of you. Though, that’s not any different from any other day.
Frank: I thought this was supposed to be fun!
Betty: Oh, trust me. This is really fun for me.
Ralph: For the love of god, mom, can you pick a card?
Betty: It’s my turn?
Velma: Yes, and we’ve been waiting for an answer for five minutes now.
Betty: Oh!
Ralph: Well?
Teri: The winner is Tom Hanks. The winning card is Tom Hanks.
Cindy: That’s ours, Jerry!
Betty: Why did you pick without me?
Teri: I didn’t want a riot to break out!
Velma: Why didn’t you pick without her earlier?
Teri: I didn’t want a riot to break out! The woman’s crazy!
Cindy: Just hand me the green cards. Danielle and Velma are only one away from winning Apples to Apples anyway and maybe then we can move on to something more exciting, like Ticket to Ride.
Jerry: You’re the only one that finds that game exciting.
Karl: I love Ticket to Ride!
Jerry: So now we know where she got it from.
Teri: We said everyone could pick a game. If Cindy wants to make her pick a boring one, then so be it. It’s her loss. The rest of us will try to get it over with as soon as possible.
Cindy: So we’re on? I’ll go get it!
Ralph: Sit down, Cindy. Nobody won yet. Did you forget so quickly?
Cindy: No, I just want this game over because I’m bombing.
Jerry: We just won one!
Cindy: One. Our first one. Everyone else has at least four and Danielle and Velma have six!
Jerry: We can catch up.
Cindy: Get real!
Velma: Just get on with it!
Ralph: You’re acting like mom.
Cindy: I am not!
Teri: Cindy. You are.
Cindy: Why do you say that?
Betty: Because like me, you’re also dragging this out during your round to pick.
Cindy: Even you think so mom?
Betty: Yes, I actually do.
Cindy: Goodness gracious.
Ding dong.
Teri: Who could that be? There’s a pandemic going on!
Karl: I think it’s a special delivery for me.
Teri: What did you get, dad?
Betty: Is it that lamp you ordered for me for Mother’s Day?
Karl: No, no. I bought a star. I named it after our family.
Cindy: Bellwood-Delacroix-Howerton-McGinty?
Carlene: Excuse me. It’s Bellwood-Delacroix-Howerton-McGinty-Gunnington-Young now.
Karl: No, I just went with Bellwood. That’s most of our last names any way.
Cindy: Wow dad. I thought I mattered more to you than that.
Karl: You are a Bellwood. Everyone in this house is in some way.
Frank: Even me?
Karl: Even you Frank.
Frank: Yes! Someone likes me.
Teri: Dad are you going to answer the door and get your delivery?
Karl: Oh, yes! Can someone grab my mask and a Clorox wipe for me?
Ralph: It’s my job to get the mail, won’t the chore brigade yell at me if I don’t do this?
Karl: You’re fine.
Tammi: Eh… maybe. We might still yell at you just for fun.
Ralph: Please don’t.
Karl: Oh my god!
Betty: What is it honey?
Karl: What the hell is that?
Tammi: Don’t say hell, pop-pop!
Karl: Look at that thing. This justifies it.
Teri: It’s not that bad!
Velma: What is it?
Betty: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!
Velma: Someone tell me what it is!
Betty: It’s the gaudiest, most ridiculous looking sculpture I’ve ever seen.
Velma: Ooh, I wanna see it!
Mitchell: You guys woke me up. What’s the ruckus about?
Teri: It is one o’clock, Mitchell. I think this is a nice time to try to wake up by.
Mitchell: It’s a quarantine, I can sleep however long I please. Oh my god Karl, what is that beautiful sculpture on the porch?
Karl: An accident.
Velma: I think it’s nice!
Betty: Nice? That thing is horrifying!
Cindy: I gotta see it. Oh my god!
Karl: I don’t know how things went so wrong. I ordered a star online for twenty-five dollars.
Ralph: That cost twenty-five bucks?
Mitchell: That’s a great deal! I’m cheap as hell and I’d pay it in a second.
Karl: You actually like this thing?
Velma: We love it! How do none of you guys love it?
Carlene: Because we have eyes?
Daphne: I don’t know mom, I think it’s okay.
Carlene: You’re grounded. Go to your room.
Daphne: I’m twenty-two years old.
Carlene: I know, and I don’t care.
Velma: Other than Daphne, who else likes it? Tammi?
Tammi: Don’t. Just don’t.
Mitchell: Frank, you go against the grain sometimes. Do you like it.
Frank: I’m sorry.
Velma: Come on guys! Someone else has to like it. Danielle
Teri: I already said I don’t think it’s that bad.
Mitchell: I guess that’s a start.
Velma: Danielle, you’re my partner. How about you?
Danielle: It’s fine, I guess. I don’t mind one way or another.
Karl: What is there to like about it? This is an embarrassment. And so close to Father’s Day, no less.
Teri: Oh my god, dad. Calm down.
Karl: I know, I’m practically hyperventilating.
Velma: You are?
Karl: I’m a disaster, look at me. An emotional rollercoaster. I ordered the deed to an actual star in the sky to name after our family. This is a sculpture, painted in the ugliest paint I’ve ever seen, that loosely resembles a star.
Velma: As I’ve often said, I’m the resident astronomer in this family. I made you all watch that eclipse with me. You all know how much I love the sky and space. This sculpture means something to me. I think it’s so creative.
Mitchell: Velma and I don’t agree on much or share any of the same passions, but this is the exception.
Karl: You guys know that I respect your opinions and don’t like making anyone upset. But I dont’ know what to tell you here. It’s so big we’re going to need a hand truck just to move it anywhere. Your room isn’t big enough for it, and nobody in the family would be okay with it being in the main living space. We can’t take it in the basement.
Mitchell: Are you saying you’re throwing out the only thing that’s united me and Velma lately? Why?
Ralph: Don’t you guys have ears? We all hate it. You’re the only ones that like it. You’re outvoted.
Mitchell: Please. Please please please please please. Just let us keep it.
Karl: I guess we could try to -
Cindy: I don’t care about this at all, I just wanted to remind everyone that we didn’t finish Apples To Apples and we’re so close to getting to my game.
Karl: I love you Cynthia, but not now. Just hold on, we’ll solve this and then we can get back to game day.
Cindy: Fine. I’ll be waiting.
Karl: So, as I was saying, we could try to take it down to the basement.
Mitchell: You mean it?
Velma: I’m so happy I could cry. And you know, I’m usually an emotionless void.
Betty: Hold on. Hold on one second. Karl, if you keep this statue in your house, I will divorce you.
Karl: You’ll do what?
Betty: You heard me, buckaroo. That thing is not staying in my house.
Teri: Mom, why does it bother you so much?
Betty: I’m used to a spotless, gorgeous home. I don’t need a giant eyesore sitting around.
Velma: It would only be in the basement!
Betty: I don’t care. There’s a certain level of class needed to belong in this house.
Teri: Mom, you used to have a collection of clown sculptures and paintings in your old house.
Velma: You did? And you’re judging my sculpture?
Karl: Well, really, it’s mine. I can do what I want with it. Legally speaking.
Betty: Karl you worked for a garment factory for thirty years. You don’t know the law. I could. throw it out on you.
Velma: Could you even pick it up?
Betty: No, I have a bad back. You know that.
Steven: Mom, can you make me a sandwich?
Tammi: Ask your grandmother, I’m watching this.
Ralph: How about we take a vote? See if people want the statue or want it gone.
Karl: That sounds fair enough.
Ralph: All in favor of keeping it?
Three people raise their hands.
Ralph: Everyone in favor of throwing it out?
Ten people raise their hands.
Velma: That’s only thirteen. Who didn’t vote?
Betty: It doesn’t matter. You lost. Time to say bye bye!
Velma: Danielle, you voted to keep it, right?
Danielle: I didn't vote.
Velma: Come on!
Danielle: It doesn’t matter which way I vote.
Velma: I wish you were wrong about that. Too many people here just don’t have any taste.
Karl: Velma, Mitchell, say your goodbyes to this monstrosity. Take a picture if you want.
Velma: I will. I won’t forget what you guys have all done to me.
Betty: We’ll take that chance.
That night…
Velma: Mitchell! Get up!
Mitchell: It’s three in the morning? Why are you getting me up? Was it not enough for Betty to wake us up last week?
Velma: Come on, we’re going to get our sculpture.
Mitchell: What? We lost that fight. Let’s just stay in bed where it’s comfy.
Velma: Mitch, this is important to me and you are my husband. Come on. Let’s go get it.
Mitchell: Fine. I think the hand truck is still out so we’ll be able to get it without making too much noise.
Velma: Good. Let’s get it in and keep it safe!
Mitchell: It is still out there, right? You didn’t wake me before checking?
Velma: Of course.
Mitchell: I can’t believe something so beautiful is out there yet.
Velma and Mitchell sneak out of there room and through the house, slowly opening the front door until they see someone.
Mitchell: Who’s there?
Daphne: It’s just me!
Mitchell: We’re just going out for a midnight walk.
Daphne: Oh, I know what you’re doing. Don’t worry, I support you! I like it, too.
Velma: Thank you!
Velma and Mitchell head out to the curb to bring the sculpture in the house.
Betty: Karl! I hear something!
Karl: What? Where?
Betty: I don’t know! It sounded like a door slamming.
Karl: It’s just in your imagination. Watch some TV to calm you down and lay back down. It’ll all be okay.
Betty: Karl! I see people outside our house!
Karl: I’ll take a look. Oh my god, you’re right.
Betty: See!
Karl: I thought you were just hearing things like usual.
Betty: I’m not always crazy. Now, what are we going to do?
Karl: I don’t know, call the police maybe?
Betty: I’ll get the phone!
Karl: Wait! They’re taking the sculpture.
Betty: What? No they’re not.
Karl: They are!
Betty: Nobody would take that thing. Certainly not someone that just broke into our house.
Karl: I think that’s Velma and Mitchell.
Betty: Why would they be out there?
Karl: Think about it.
Betty: Oh no.
Karl: Yeah, they’re brining the statue in. I can tell it’s them because they’re yelling at each other. Betty: Look! The statue just fell off the hand truck!
Karl: Probably because they were too busy yelling at each other.
Betty: It’s a Hanukah miracle!
Karl: It’s May.
Betty: It is? It feels like we’ve been in lockdown for at least nine months.
Karl: Let’s go back to sleep. That sculpture is dead, we aren’t being robbed, and I have a star to order again tomorrow!
Betty: Just don’t buy another gaudy heap of trash!
Karl: I’ll be more careful this time.
Betty: Promise?
Karl: I promise. Good night, dear.
What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return next week!
