Our House Season 2, Episode 15
Teri: Mom, we’re indoors.
Betty: Your father isn’t! He’s gardening.
Cindy: No, he’s in the shower.
Betty: Ahhh!!! The shower? That’s dangerous!
Karl: I’m drying off, relax, honey.
Ralph: How did you hear them all the way up there? You’re old!
Karl doesn’t answer.
Ralph: I’m not gonna be ignored, dad!
Betty: Can I just do a head count really quickly?
Teri: If it makes you feel better.
Betty: Ready? Okay! Teri?
Teri: Here. Duh.
Betty: Betty? That’s me, I’m here. Karl?
Karl: What’s going on?
Betty: That’s a yes. Cindy?
Cindy: Present.
Betty: Jerry?
Jerry: I’m alive. Also, it’s a thunderstorm, not a tor-
Betty: Shut it. Ralph?
Ralph: Here.
Betty: Tammi?
Tammi: I’m here. I’m trying to watch these new Looney Tunes cartoons on HBO Max with Steven, but I’m here.
Betty: Steven?
Steven: I’m here and I think it’s sweet you want to keep us safe.
Betty: Thank you! Someone gets me. Frank?
Frank: What? You care about keeping me safe?
Betty: Yeah, I do. I’ve actually grown quite fond of you even if I make fun of you all the time.
Frank: Tammi, check my pulse.
Tammi: I’ll get you a chair so you can sit down before you pass out.
Betty: I don’t know why anyone’s surprised. I’m a very nice person.
Teri: Ha!
Betty: You will be dealt with later.
Teri: Uh oh!
Betty: Danielle, are you here?
Danielle: Yes!
Betty: Wonderful! I love you like a daughter Danielle, mostly because you don’t give me any lip.
Danielle: And I love you like a mother, because you don’t give me lip either!
Cindy: We’re right here!
Teri: And Danielle, your mother is just a phone call away. After you unlock your phone for me, that is.
Betty: Velma? Are you here?
Velma: I’m sitting next you you.
Betty: “Yes” would’ve been enough. Mitchell?
Velma: He’s in bed. Like always.
Betty: I need some sort of confirmation of that.
Velma: Mitchell!!! Get up!
Mitchell: Uh….
Betty: Alright, he’s here. Finally, Carlene?
Carlene: I’m here and I’d like to point out that you forgot my daughter once again.
Betty: If she’d just add herself to the family contact list here, I wouldn’t have forgotten her.
Carlene: How’s she supposed to know that? Nobody ever told her.
Daphne: I did know, actually.
Carlene: Dammit Daphne. You can’t even let me get you out of a bind?
Betty: Anyway, we’re all accounted for and safe. We can’t leave, both because of the thunderstorm and because of the quarantine, so I say we play some games again!
Velma: Betty, you know we all love playing games but that’s all we do lately. How about a movie day?
Cindy: I want to watch The Invisible Man!
Steven: What about Cars 3? We haven’t seen it yet.
Teri: Let’s go in-between. Not a kids movie, but maybe also not a horror movie considering Steven is here. You know, Cindy. Your grandson?
Cindy: What are you thinking then?
Teri: Jojo Rabbit! It’s so relevant today because of all the Nazis re-emerging!
Cindy: That doesn’t seem family friendly.
Velma: What about Hobbs & Shaw? It looks like stupid fun and that Dwayne Johnson… I love him.
Mitchell: Hey!
Velma: Oh, you can get out of bed to hear me thirst over the Rock but not to prove to your aunt that you’re here and alive.
Karl: I’m fine with whatever movie, you guys know that.
Betty: The tides have turned against me. Even my husband wants to watch movies!
Karl: I’m sorry. I love you!
Betty: Yeah, yeah, yeah…
The power goes out.
Betty: What the hell?
Cindy: Don’t say that word.
Betty: I’ll say whatever word I want to express how extremely upset I am about us losing power. I don’t do well without electricity.
Velma: Don’t stress about it, it could be back before you know it.
Danielle: The power at my old apartment used to go out every few weeks, always only for a few minutes. Maybe this is that?
Betty: You better be right.
Three hours later…
Teri: We haven’t had power for three hours and we’re already acting like animals.
Velma: How do you figure? I think we’re doing fine.
Teri: We’re eating cold soup out of cans like raccoons looking for an ounce of food in a garbage can. Look at Frank, he’s not even using a spoon.
Frank: We ran out! It’s not my fault!
Carlene: Everything is your fault, even I know that.
Frank: Now the new girl’s coming for me.
Carlene: I’ve been here since November!
Frank: And still nobody here remembers your daughter exists.
Carlene: Why I oughta…
Betty: So THIS is why we hate Frank!
Velma: Don’t worry Carlene, we’re all on your team!
Carlene: I appreciate the support! I don't think this is a competition, but still.
Teri: See, I told you we’re like animals. Three hours and it’s turning into Lord of the Flies.
Betty: This wouldn’t be happening if we were playing a game!
Ralph: I hate t say this, but I agree with mom. Clearly we all need something to entertain us instead of just sitting around doing nothing.
Velma: We could all just sleep like my lug of a husband!
Cindy: I know! What if we all told stories?
Ralph: You mean like first grade story time?
Cindy: No! Remember when Jerry and I went to New York earlier this year?
Jerry: Sort of.
Cindy: You idiot!
Jerry: I am an idiot, I know.
Cindy: As I was saying, I had some stories from when we went there. We met a big celebrity and we could tell you about that.
Betty: Ooh! Tell me who it is!
Cindy: You’ll just have to wait for my story.
Velma: Can we do celebrity story time? I have a fun story!
Betty: Who’s that one about?
Velma: You love her. That's all I’ll say.
Betty: Erin Burnett.
Velma: What? No.
Danielle: I’ve got a story too.
Cindy: Okay, so it’s settled! Celebrity Story Time!
Karl: I’ll make popcorn. Oh, wait.
Cindy: Everyone gather in the living room!
Teri: I feel like we’re on Big Brother or something. Is Julie Chen gonna make us vote someone out? I pick Frank!
Frank: Joke’s on you. That’s not how Big Brother works. I have to be nominated for you to vote me out.
Teri: That’s adorable! You think you wouldn’t be nominated!
Frank: Tammi wouldn’t nominate me.
Tammi: I don’t know. I might have to to keep the house on my side.
Frank: Oh my god!
Cindy: So, the year was 2020 in the year of our lord.
Ralph: We know you went in 2020, that’s this year.
Teri: Yeah, we’re not Jerry. We can remember February. Even though it feels like six years ago.
Jerry: Hey! That was a joke!
Cindy: We had just arrived in New York and were heading down to the subway.
Jerry: No, we were heading up to the subway.
Cindy: Jerry, how the heck do you head up to the subway?
Jerry: We walked uptown to get to the subway.
Cindy: Not what I meant. We’re walking down to the subway and at the bottom of the steps, west this guy. I asked Jerry, “don’t we know him?”
Betty: Well, who was it?
Cindy: I’m getting to that! I look at the guy a few more times and it hits me. He’s a really big celebrity!
Ralph: Just get on with it!
Cindy: I walk up to him and ask him if he’s on TV. He says yes. The voice immediately gives it away.
Betty: Tom Selleck. It’s Tom Selleck, right?
Cindy: It was Ice-T!
Betty: You didn’t know it was Ice-T?
Carlene: How could you not know a delicious summery beverage just by seeing it?
Cindy: Are you guys not impressed? I met one of the stars of SVU. You love that show, mom!
Jerry: I didn’t even know who it was but we got a picture with him.
Betty: How do you not know Ice-T from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, the longest-running television drama of all time?
Jerry: I don’t watch it.
Betty: I’m changing that this quarantine.
Teri: Not for a while though, since the power company said it’ll be a few days until the power is back.
Betty: Can we at least play games then?
Danielle: I think that’s only fair, everybody. Let her get her way.
Tammi: Mom, why didn’t you ever tell us you met Ice-T.
Cindy: I was too preoccupied after we got back since your father left his wallet at the airport.
Jerry: We got it back. That’s what matters.
Ralph: Did you at least get his autograph? Something to prove you met him that doesn’t include me having to look at Jerry’s weird camera smile?
Jerry: They finally stop picking on Frank and now it’s my turn, I guess.
Frank: Nobody has stopped picking on me!
Carlene: Damn right we haven’t!
Cindy: So that’s my big celebrity story. Please clap.
Karl: I liked it. I think Jerry made your mom angry but I liked it.
Velma: Okay, time for my celebrity story!
Mitchell: When have you ever met a celebrity?
Velma: You were right next to me.
Mitchell: I doubt that.
Velma: Alright, it was 2011. We’re at the San Antonio International Airport. Mitch is eating chili.
Teri: Shocker.
Velma: We’re waiting at our terminal, there’s probably fifteen minutes left until our flight. We see this woman with an entourage sitting across from us. I wasn’t sure why she had three people standing with her, or why she had a dog with her.
Karl: Was it a service dog? My old co-worker used to have one because he couldn’t see anymore.
Velma: That’s what I thought at first, but no, she was just rich and could do what she wanted. Anyway, one of her assistants or whatever they were moved from in front of her and then I saw who it was. It was Lauren Bacall.
Betty: No way!
Velma: Yes, way.
Betty: I’m named after Lauren Bacall!
Teri: Mom, your name is Betty.
Betty: So is hers.
Ralph: Yes, Betty is a known nickname for Betty.
Betty: Her name at birth was Betty Joan Perske. Mine was Elizabeth Joan Eller.
Teri: How did this never come out before?
Betty: I don’t talk that much about myself.
Ralph: I love how you can lie with such a straight face. It’s impressive.
Betty: There’s also a chance you just didn’t listen to me when I said it.
Karl: That checks out.
Carlene: Ooh! Karl with a burn!
Velma: What has gotten into you today?
Carlene: I’m letting my true colors show!
Velma: You shouldn’t. Anyway, so I see it’s Lauren Bacall sitting over there and I tell Mitchell. Mitchell doesn’t believe it because she looks different. I told him that’s because he’s used to seeing what she looked like sixty-five years before that. He said that’s not what it is and that I’m crazy.
Mitchell: I stand by what I said.
Velma: I approached her to talk to her but her minions shooed me away. I never got to talk to her or get a picture with her but I was able to convince one of them to have her sign something for me.
Betty: You did?
Velma: Yes! It was a boarding pass. Unfortunately, I don’t know where it is but I know it’s here somewhere.
Betty: How can you make me feel so happy and then rip out my heart in so a short period of time?
Velma: No one else is commenting, does no one else care?
Ralph: I’m more shocked about my mother's middle name being Joan.
Teri: Yeah. I would’ve sworn it was Jill or June or Joanna or Julia or something like that.
Betty: Well it’s not. I’m named after something famous and that’s not something anyone else can say in this room!
Danielle: Maybe not, but have any of you met George Clooney?
Tammi: Have we what now?
Velma: I guess I am done talking.
Danielle: It was probably fifteen years ago. I was working at a pharmacy up in Connecticut when I spent a year living up there. He was in town for the week and needed an emergency prescription. I was in the middle of my shift so I couldn’t talk or anything but at least I can brag about filling his prescription.
Tammi: That’s so much better than mom and Velma’s stories.
Betty: No it’s not!
Cindy: Thank you, mom!
Betty: I wasn’t saying it about you.
Velma: Aww, thank you!
The power goes back on.
Teri: Two days early! Hallelujah!
Frank: Movie time!
Carlene: You don’t get to determine that, Frank.
Teri: No, really. Movie time!
Betty: I have a celebrity story first!
Velma: Quick! We have to watch The Rock drive in cars and stuff!
Betty: Alright! Quick! I met Andrea Campbell from Lakey Action News and she remembered it months later! She said I was one of her best interviews!
Teri: Mom… first, we already know that. Second, Lakey has a population of 16,000. Andrea is not a celebrity.
Betty: Yes she is! She’s a Today show contributor!
Tammi: Grandma, your story was the worst of them all. Sorry.
Betty: Just put the movie on. Just. Put it on.
Velma: The Rock, here we come!
What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the season finale next week!
