The Bullpen Special: New Season

Everyone is at the baseball stadium, in the bullpen of the team’s first spring training game.
Robert: Alright everyone, gather around!
Harry: You heard him!
Robert: Harry I’m not sure that’s helping.
Harry: Were the hot dogs good?
Robert: Yeah.
Harry: Nice.
Robert: Is there a point to saying that?
Harry: Sure.
Robert: So I think we all know why we’re here today. We have a mostly new bullpen this year. I’m the only surviving member of the one from the previous two years.
Harry: Lorenzo’s still around, I work at his place!
Robert: Harry, we went over this, they’re all still around, just not in the bullpen. Manny, do you have any words as the new bullpen coach?
Manny: Nope. Giving pep talks was my thing when I was the manager of the team.
Robert: OK, then I guess I’ll be introducing our new players. Welcome to the team, Ace and Devin.
Devin: You too.
Robert: I’ve been here for several years!
Devin: Oh. Why didn’t you say that?
Robert: I did...
Devin: I wasn’t paying attention.
Robert: Clearly.
Ace: And to be clear, make no mistake, my name is a terrible coincidence. I am nowhere NEAR being an ace pitcher. Guess that’s why I ended up here.
Devin: Yeah, I’ve also seen better days.
Manny: You’re a rookie.
Devin: I made many plays as a shortstop in the minors.
Manny: Don’t even tell me you’ve never pitched before.
Devin: I have! Just, not in the past decade or so.
Robert: Also, I’d like to introduce you all to—
Manny: We know who he is.
Ace: I don’t.
Robert: Felix. As you may know, he was a starter for the team for many years and now he’s joining us in the bullpen!
Felix: Hi everyone. Don’t mean to intimidate you all, but I think they’ll turn to me most often to pitch.
Manny: No one told you?
Felix: Told me what?
Manny: You’re in the wrong bullpen if you expect to pitch all that much. You got sent here after blowing the championship for us last year. I got sent here because I didn’t take you out of the game.
Felix: Are you kidding me? My salary says otherwise.
Robert: about that, we are all very overpaid. For our talents, that is. We’re on average the lowest-paid bullpen in the entire league, how else could they afford all these star pitchers?
Ace: Let me just say something about this place: it’s awesome. We get paid to be bad pitchers.
Felix: I really want to go in the game though!
Devin: Should we be paying attention to it?
Robert: Nah, it rarely matters. Sometimes we even hurt the team by paying attention.
Devin: That makes no sense.
Robert: You would think, but it does.
Manny: I will be coaching though. My first decision is Robert will be bullpen captain.
Ace: Those exist?
Manny: They do now.
Harry: I’m not sure you can make up positions like that.
Manny: Fine, then he’s unofficial bullpen captain.
Robert: What do I do?
Manny: It’s just a title, how should I know?
Robert: I just gave my pep talk.
Felix: That was a pep talk?
Robert: Kind of. We don’t do much of anything related to the actual game here.
Harry: You have to have at least a few more words.
Robert: Fine. Just be yourselves. The crowd might start booing you, let them be. It hasn’t been as bad after the dodgeball ban though.
Ace: Wait, this is the dodgeball bullpen? Cool!
Robert: No dodgeball anymore.
Ace: You were famous where I was before for that.
Devin: Yeah, to me this bullpen is second to the cotton candy one.
Robert: That would be us too.
Ace: OK this day just got so much better.
Felix (laughing): Hold on a sec. You know how Garry used to be your bullpen coach?
Robert: Yeah.
Felix: Now you have Harry as a snack bar vendor.
Robert: And?
Harry: You went from a guy with purpose, to a guy with a name that rhymes with Garry but has no purpose. The first letter in Harry is only one letter in the alphabet away from the first letter in Garry!
Robert (chuckling): That is kind of funny, but I wouldn’t say you have no purpose!
Harry: Look around, do you see Lorenzo anywhere?
Robert: No. but that just means you’ll have even more purpose to more people, and throughout the game. We might be able to get food in the second inning now!
Manny: By the way everyone, big game tomorrow. We should probably go home and get our rest.
Robert: It’s a big game, but it’s probably not gonna concern us.
Felix: Also, this one isn’t over yet.
Robert: Show of hands, who says we bail?
Ace: Is this a trick?
Devin: Yeah, I can’t tell if this is a mind game or not. As one of the new guys, I don’t feel completely comfortable raising my—Ace, looks like they already left.
Ace: You wanna leave too?
Devin: yeah, but we shouldn’t.
Ace: Why not?
Devin: Eh, you’re right. Let’s go.
*The crowd stars cheering.*
Ace: Think they’re cheering for us?
Devin: Probably. I think they like not having the prospect of the bullpen coming in.
Ace: I can get used to this.

Share this

Related Posts

Next Post »