SETTING: BACKYARD
CATHERINE
So, we're actually following through on this idea?
ANDREW
Yeah, and I'm here to win. Child vs. in-laws vs. grandchildren vs. Fran and Brian?
CATHERINE
No way, I don't want David on my team.
DAVID
Do you even know me?
BRIAN
What if we all just make our families the teams? Fran and I will be the mediators.
ALL PEOPLE GROUP INTO THEIR RESPECTIVE FAMILIES
TEAM 1: DAVID, MARY, CHRIS, JULIAN, DREW
TEAM 2: JOSH, ANDREW
TEAM 3: CATHERINE, WILLIAM, BRITNEY, BRITNEY 2
CATHERINE
Yes! Team 3, for the third kid I've always wanted!
BRITNEY 2
Let me guess, Britney 3?
CATHERINE
You got it.
DAVID
Not too late.
BRITNEY 2
Focus on this so we can not come in last, please?
BRITNEY
What are we playing for again?
BRIAN
You'll see.
ANDREW
What the hell does that mean?!
JOSH
It means they have no clue what the prize will be so whoever wins will just get 10 hugs from my mom.
ANDREW
Maybe not. Either way I'm still here to win.
DREW
Can one of the games be to see who can sign my notebook first? Because as far as it knows, only half of you exist. [GOES IGNORED]
BRIAN
What does the birthday woman want the first game to be?
CATHERINE
Lip sync battle!
DAVID
Pretty sure he was talking about Fran's birthday. I know yours is being overshadowed.
FRAN
Whatever, show us what you got.
CATHERINE and DAVID perform a Britney Spears song, with BRITNEY and BRITNEY 2 also on stage.
BRIAN
I think you all did anything except for lip sync.
BRITNEY 2
As was my intention.
FRAN
Honestly, I don't think we even need to see anyone else perform to know yours was the worst.
CATHERINE
OK whatever, I didn't want to win this anyway.
BRITNEY 2
Yeah you did.
JOSH
Who cares? If you're looking for another game then Andrew can tell you I'm pretty great with random trivia.
ANDREW
He actually is.
BRIAN
Fine. What's the name of David's wife?
JOSH
You think I don't know that? Annie.
MARY
Um...seriously? My name's Mary.
CHRIS
Can we play basketball and win this pathetic competition?
BRIAN
Find a ball and your wish is granted.
[DAVID, MARY, CHRIS, JULIAN, and DREW start a game of pick-up basketball in the driveway. Nobody makes any baskets in 20 minutes.]
BRIAN
I hate to say it, but you all suck at the things you're supposedly good at.
CATHERINE
So we win right?
BRIAN
No, but you'll always be my smartest daughter.
BRITNEY 2
And dumbest.
FRAN
I think it's clear who the real winner is in this pathetic excuse of a family tournament. Josh and Andrew. Andrew was the person with the most passion for this. Who cares if his husband doesn't know anything about anyone here?
BRIAN
Should we tell him what the prize is then?
FRAN
I think it's only fair.
BRIAN
Fine. You want to say it or do you want me to?
FRAN
You know you want to say it.
BRIAN
Eh I don't want to. We can tell them another time, right?
FRAN
I'll just say it. Everyone, Brian and I are moving to Poland. We wanted to tell everyone face-to-face. We're leaving the house to Josh and Andrew. You can move into it if you want, or if that's unrealistic then you can sell it.
JOSH
Seriously?