Our House Season 2 Episode 2 - Our Trick-or-Treat

 Our House Season 2, Episode 2
Our Trick-or-Treat

Cindy: Guys, our costumes are here!
Teri: What costumes?
Cindy: Our Halloween costumes!
Teri: Oh my god, I totally forgot Halloween was so close.
Cindy: The Fall Run really distracted us, didn’t it?
Teri: We didn’t even decorate for Halloween or get any Halloween candy or anything.
Cindy: We have two weeks, it’s fine. We can have the guys put the Halloween decorations outside today and we can run to the store for candy anytime between now and trick-or-treat.
Tammi: We probably should’ve realized that Halloween was coming when we saw all those ads for the new Addams Family movie. Also, Steven’s been watching Halloween movies for like a month now on cable. How did this slip past us?
Teri: As usual, it’s mom’s fault.
Betty: Excuse me?
Teri: If you wouldn’t have signed us up for that Fall Run, it never would have distracted us so much.
Mitchell: I’m going to be completely honest, I did realize that Halloween is coming but I didn’t say anything about it.
Teri: You idiot!
Betty: What Teri meant to say is “why did you not remind us?”
Teri: No, I meant to call him an idiot.
Mitchell: I saw how important the Fall Run was to Jerry and I didn’t want to take attention off of it. Also I didn’t want to have to do it.
Teri: The first part of that was very sweet. The second was not and that’s why you and Velma will be in charge of decorating. You’re unemployed right now and I know Velma has the week off, so you should have the time.
Mitchell: I will accept my punishment. Velma likes decorating anyway, she’ll enjoy the challenge.
Teri: Good. Because we have four houses worth of decorations and everything’s getting used. Good luck!
Mitchell: I think we’re gonna need it.
Teri: You absolutely will. Now, let’s go up to the attic and get everything down. 
Just then, Steven comes running into the house.
Tammi: Steven, you’re home early from Billy’s house.
Steven: Mom, Halloween day at school is on Friday!
Tammi: What? But Halloween isn’t for almost two weeks. Why are they doing it so early?
Steven: They always do it the last Friday before Halloween. At least that’s what Billy told me.
Tammi: I keep forgetting you’re in a different school now. Your old school did it right. Dress up day was always on the holiday itself, as it should be!
Steven: Mom, do I have a costume?
Tammi: Yes, it just came today. Remember, the entire family is doing a big theme.
Steven: I know. I’m dressing up as some character I’ve never heard of.
Tammi: The Munsters is a classic. You will make a great Eddie.
Steven: Thank you, I guess.
Tammi: You’re welcome. Now go try on your costume. I know how much you love to sit with your father and watch NASCAR, but that can wait five minutes. I just want to make sure it fits.
Meanwhile, Ralph and Jerry are sitting in the dining room arguing over politics.
Ralph: You people always have to go back to her emails.
Jerry: And you people don’t care about crimes being committed. You’re ridiculous, un-American communists!
Ralph: At least Harriet Cline doesn’t live rent-free in my head.
Jerry: At least Daniel Taggert doesn’t live rent-free in mine.
Ralph: I can’t believe you support him. What a racist.
Jerry: I am not a racist.
Ralph: An I’m not a communist. Doesn’t stop you from calling me one.
Jerry: But you are a communist.
Ralph: And you’re a racist.
Jerry: I can’t believe I ever agreed to move into a house with you.
Ralph: I can’t believe my sister was dumb enough to marry you.
Danielle: Will you two both shut up? We have to get to work on Halloween decorations since we apparently all forgot about it and since you can’t help anyway Jerry, maybe you could just stop distracting Ralph. At the very least you two can stop fighting so you won’t mess up our group costume.
Ralph: I’m not doing anything with him. He’s the most ignorant person I’ve ever met.
Jerry: I feel the same about you.
Danielle: I’m not even in this family so this is not my problem. I can leave if I want to.
The next morning…
Teri: Mom, have you seen Mitchell and Velma?
Betty: No, not yet. But it’s still early.
Teri: No it isn’t. It’s almost 7:30. I have to leave for work in fifteen minutes. Most of the family already did.
Betty: Then I don’t know. Maybe they’re in bed yet.
Teri: Mitchell being in bed makes sense. Velma is always awake by now. It’s weird. I’m going to go brush my teeth, you go check on them.
Betty: Alright.
Betty knocks on Mitchell and Velma’s bedroom door.
Velma: No! Don’t come in! We’re sick!
Betty: Are you serious?
Velma: Of course I’m serious! I feel dead! I think we both have the flu.
Betty: Please get better. Don’t worry about the Halloween decorations, someone else will worry about them. Let me know if you need anything, I’ll be right in the living room.
Velma: Thank you. I already called our doctor, we’re going in at 4. So maybe you’ll want to go in another room around then.
Betty walks out into the living room and sits down.
Teri: Mom, are they okay?
Betty: They’ve been better, Teri. Velma says they’ve got the flu.
Teri: Oh my god. They were fine just yesterday.
Betty: They’re going to the doctor at 4. Hopefully they’ll be okay.
Teri: Halloween 2019 is going off without a hitch, I see.
Betty: It’s been a rough few days.
Teri: I told dad to pick up some candy for trick-or-treat. Hopefully that can turn around. We do need it for Friday so it’s gotta be done soon.
Betty: Hey, did you see how your brother and Jerry are acting?
Teri: Like children?
Betty: Yes, exactly. They’re going to ruin the Halloween fun. This is supposed to be a fun, family holiday. If they keep bickering it’ll really kill the mood.
Teri: The neighborhood Halloween party isn’t until the 31st. They won’t be bickering for another eleven days. I’d kill one of them before then. And we all know the one I’d kill would be Jerry.
Betty: I would hope so. Ralph is your brother after all.
Just then, Zeke bursts into the house.
Betty: What’s wrong Zeke?
Zeke: It’s Amelia. She’s being a real bi-
Teri: You don’t want to finish that.
Betty: You really don’t.
Zeke: She’s getting on my case about everything. “Get a job, Zeke.” “You can’t keep sleeping on my couch Zeke.” What is this Zeke?” “Are you my boyfriend Zeke?” It’s so irritating.
Teri: Zeke, what the hell? You’re mooching off of this woman and you aren’t even dating or providing in any way? I’m going to kill her just so I can nominate her for sainthood.
Zeke: She’s no saint, Aunt Teri.
Teri: She’s letting you live at her house, you aren’t dating and you aren’t paying her any money because you don’t have a job. What could possibly be wrong with her? Is she crazy or something?
Zeke: I wouldn’t say I’m doing nothing. We are romantically involved. Just not boyfriend and girlfriend. We have -
Teri: NO! Do not finish that sentence. I don’t want to hear it.
Betty: Is she at least still on board to be our Marilyn Munster?
Zeke: I don’t know. She kicked me out!
Betty: What the hell are we gonna do now? You can’t have the Munsters without Marilyn! I guess we could have Tammi dress as Marilyn instead of Debbie from Addams Family Values, but I don’t know if the costume would even fit her. Her and Amelia have very different body types.
Teri: Mom, your grandson is going through a crisis right now and you’re worried about costumes for a Halloween party you forgot about until yesterday?
Betty: I’m sorry, Zeke.
Zeke: It’s fine. Obviously our Munsters and Addams Family costumes are important. I need advice, though.
Teri: Do you care about Amelia?
Zeke: Yes.
Teri: Romantically, or just friends?
Zeke: She’s a cool girl. I’d like to see where things went.
Teri: Alright. You’re gonna go to her and tell her just that. Then you’re gonna look in the paper like a normal person and find a job. It doesn’t need to be a 9-5 office job. It doesn’t need to be something you go to every day. Just one you go to and get money.
Zeke: Alright.
Teri: Then you’re going to ask Amelia to be Marilyn Munster for us because we’ve got a lot riding on his Halloween party. They’re giving out a $100 gift card to Red Robin. Yum!
Zeke: Will do.
Teri: I’m just kidding! That’s not important and it won’t go over well. 
Zeke: I’m gonna go talk to her. I feel better now.
Teri: Man, I’m good. I feel like a mom.
Betty: Speaking of which…
Teri: No. This is not the time to get on my case about not having a husband.
Betty: You’re not going to be young and beautiful forever, you should get to work on it.
Teri: Work! Crap! I’m late! Sue Ellen is going to so mad at me!
Jerry: Ralph, you really are just an intolerant ass.
Ralph:. Look at the pot calling the kettle black.
Jerry: Deflection is your only defense. Typical.
Teri: Will you two shut up? You’re both ignorant at times. You’re both unaccepting of the opinions of others. You should both such it up and relax. You’re better friends than you are enemies.
Ralph: You make a good point. He is ignorant and unaccepting of other viewpoints.
Teri: That’s not what I said.
Ralph: It’s what I heard.
Teri: Can this family ever get along? Mom, please call up Sue Ellen and tell her I’m not coming in today. This family is so exhausting that I may need to go back to bed. I have time.
Eight hours later…
Karl: Teri! I got the candy!
Teri: Oh good, finally something going right today. Let’s see it!
Karl sets a bag of M&Ms on the table.
Teri: Dad. These aren’t even wrapped. This is just a five pound bag of loose M&Ms.
Karl: What? I though they were the little fun size baggies!
Teri: They aren’t.
Karl: Guess I’ll have to run back to Costco to get something else.
Teri: What? You got this at Costco. How is that even possible? Isn’t everything there in bulk?
Karl: That’s actually a common misconception. It’s not all in bulk.
Teri: What candy do they have then? We’ve got three more days to get a replacement and if Costco doesn’t have anything worth buying, I can run to Target after work tomorrow.
Karl: They have plenty, I’ll get something.
Teri: Thank you dad. You’re the only sane one in this entire place.
Karl: I know I am, thank you.
Meanwhile, in the living room…
Ralph: What is wrong with you?
Jerry: What’s wrong with me? At least I’m patriotic. You’re the one who would rather live in communist Russia.
Ralph: Rich of you to bring up Russia…
Jerry: Witch hunt!
Betty: Did someone say witch? Happy Halloween everybody!
Teri: Alright you two, I’ve been thinking about this situation a lot on my day off. The two of you need to just accept that you’re never going to agree on politics and get past it. Ralph, you love Alicia Spanheim. Jerry, you think she’s a communist. This is America, both of your opinions are valid. Just shut up about politics when you’re around one another. It’s really not that hard. You two are friends, well, really you’re family. You really want to throw that away because one of you is a liberal and the other’s a conservative? That’s ridiculous. And that’s coming from me. I’m a ridiculous person.
Jerry: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Teri is right about something.
Ralph: Friends again?
Jerry: Yes. Mostly because I’m still supposed to be resting my leg for the next week and I don’t want to rely on Betty or Mitchell to help me out and you’re the only other person here who doesn’t work.
Betty: So does this mean you’ll both take part in the family costume?
Just then, Velma and Mitchell walk into the house, returning home from their doctor’s appointment…
Danielle: Velma and Mitchell are home, everyone! Time to hide so we don’t all get sick!
Velma: Don’t worry, it’s nothing serious. We both have a cold. That’s all.
Danielle: We still don’t want your sick. Go rest.
Velma: Will do sergeant.
On Halloween night…
Zeke: Aunt Teri, I need your help again.
Teri: What is it Zeke?
Zeke: You know how I was supposed to ask Amelia to take part in the Halloween costume?
Teri: Yeah.
Zeke: Well I forgot.
Teri: What? You forgot? I managed to make your father and your Uncle Ralph stop fighting about politics to make this happen, I managed to find costumes of every member of the Addams and Munster families but one character, whose costume I had to sew by hand, and I’ve worked my tail off for the past few weeks to decorate this place to make it perfect to Halloween because Velma and Mitchell were in bed all week due to the common cold, and you couldn’t even manage to do one simple task of asking your - whatever Amelia is to you - to take part in our family costume? What is wrong with you?
Zeke: I’m sorry.
Teri: You should be. Now go ask her.
Zeke: She already got a different costume. She said she isn’t even going to the neighborhood Halloween party.
Teri: Fix this. Now. I have to start braiding my hair to turn myself into Wednesday Addams because I am dedicated to this cause. Then I have to help your parents turn into Morticia and Gomez. Because apparently no one in this family can do anything for themselves.
Zeke: I’ll go talk to her.
Steven: Aunt Teri, who’s going to go trick-or-treating with me?
Teri: You should ask your mother, Steven. I have no idea.
Steven: She said I should ask you because you would know. She said she isn’t ready to go.
Teri: Of course she did. Who in the family is ready to go in an hour?
Steven: Trick-or-treat starts at 5:30.
Teri: It does? That doesn’t seem right.
Steven: That’s what Billy told me.
Teri: Who is Billy? I’ve literally never heard of him before today.
Steven: He’s my friend from school. He’s been to our house a lot.
Teri: Oh. Then I guess he’s right. I’ll quickly help your grandmother get into costume and then she can take you. Sound good?
Steven: Yes, that’s good.
Teri: Alright, time to go work my magic.
Two hours later, the entire family is ready for the Halloween party.
Teri: Everyone looks so good! Creepy and cooky, mysterious and spooky. I did such a great job.
Tammi: I think we all took part in this. I did my own hair and makeup.
Teri: Tammi I sewed your entire costume. Let me have this one.
Tammi: Alright fine, take this one.
Teri: Mom, you make a fine Grandmama Addams. Jerry, you look good as Gomez and Cindy looks even spookier as Morticia. Wherever she is.
Jerry: Are her and Steven coming home to meet us or are we meeting them at the party?
Teri: We’re meeting them there.
Tammi: I just want to know why my parents got to be Gomez and Morticia while I had to be some character nobody’s ever hear of.
Teri: Addams Family Values is a masterpiece and everyone knows Uncle Fester’s bitch wife Debbie. You and Frank were the only choices to play them.
Tammi: But why though?
Teri: Because Frank is a dead ringer for Uncle Fester. I barely had to put any makeup on him to make him look like that!
Danielle: Tammi, you shouldn’t complain about your costume. I had to be Cousin Itt!
Teri: Nothing wrong with that. Everyone loves Cousin Itt!
Danielle: I look like a pile of hair on the floor at the hairdresser.
Teri: I know. It’s perfect.
Ralph: I just want to say that I like my costume. I have no problems with Pugsley Addams.
Teri: Thank you.
Zeke runs into the house dressed in costume.
Zeke: You rang?
Teri: Oh my god, Zeke! You actually got ready! And you brought Marilyn Munster with you!
Amelia: He explained the whole situation to me and I couldn’t let you guys all down. I helped Zeke put his Lurch costume on and then I got ready myself as quick as I could. We look a little messy but at least we made it.
Teri: I’m just glad you came. Mom would’ve killed you both if you didn’t.
Betty: I really would have!
Teri: Mitchell, how are you feeling? You look a little green!
Mitchell: Very funny.
Teri: You and Velma make a fine Herman and Lily Munster. I think the best Munster costume has to be dad’s, though. Grandpa Munster really suits him well. It’s uncanny really.
Betty: Teri, I don’t mean to be a bother but it’s ten of 8 and we really should get going. We can admire your creative genius at the party.
Teri: Alright, sounds good. Let’s go win that gift card, Addamses!
Velma: And Munsters too!
Teri: Yeah, you guys too.

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