The Bullpen Season 2 Episode 20: Playoff Game #2

Kurt: long-term reliever-turned starting pitcher
Lorenzo: middle-relief pitcher
Jason: bullpen coach
Robert: 8th inning/setup pitcher
Bryan: closer
Eli: left-handed specialist

Lorenzo: I’m pitching today.
Kurt: No you’re not. Or is this one of those things where you think that if you picture something happening, it comes true?
Lorenzo: It works. And no. I’m pitching today.
Bryan: I’m confused. Are you delusional or just joking? It’s hard to tell with you sometimes.
Eli: Sounds like both to me. Lorenzo likes to have a good time but he also thinks he has potential to be a good pitcher.
Lorenzo: Eli, I know I’m not a good pitcher, I just like to ask every game to make sure I’m not pitching. And today, they told me I am.
Robert: I don’t think you understand, our team needs to win this game if they want to keep playing. Why would they put you in, even if the game is a blowout? Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re the team’s 6th-best pitcher at best.
Bryan: They must be trying to lose. I bet some of our teammates have money on our team losing!
Kurt: Guys, why are we coming up with conspiracy theories when common sense says he’s not pitching?
Robert: Here comes Jason, he can shut down this rumor right away.
Eli: Hey Jason!
Jason: What? Why are you saying hi to me, when have we ever greeted one another when we arrived?
Kurt: Let me try. Jason, Lorenzo has these guys thinking he’s actually going to pitch today.
Jason: He is. He’s starting.
Kurt: What?
Jason: He is.
Kurt: I heard you, I meant why?
Jason: They didn’t want to have an actual starter pitch today if they didn’t have to.
Eli: But Lorenzo sucks. We all suck.
Jason: That’s not true, Kurt is mediocre-to-decent now.
Kurt: Hold on. He’s starting??!!
Lorenzo: No way, I’m starting?! Even I know that makes no sense.
Jason: Just get out there and do your best.
Lorenzo: Can I bring a snack with me?
Jason: I don’t think there’s a clear rule against it...
Lorenzo: So yes. Anyone have a frozen hot dog?
Eli: Why would any of us have frozen hot dogs?
Lorenzo: I’m flag down the hot dog guy myself. They come frozen now. Budget cuts.
(Lorenzo walks up to the mound with a frozen hot dog in his hand. He gets ready to throw the first pitch and hears the crowd chanting “Fatty”.)
Jason: Wow, this is a tough crowd.
Eli: Guess that’s what happens when we’re not playing at home.
Bryan: Should we do something?
Kurt: What’s there to do? Lorenzo just can’t let this get to his head.
Robert: Oh, he’s letting it get to his head. The batter’s head, that is.
Jason: He’s wild out there, he’s almost hit the guy twice now!
Kurt: Is he eating the hot dog now?
Jason: Uh oh. That’s not going to help with the chants.
Eli: He can’t throw a strike as it is. Poor Lorenzo, he doesn’t deserve this.
Robert: That ball looked hard hit.
Bryan: Did I just see that happen?
Jason: What?
Bryan: A triple play! Lorenzo got out of the inning!
Kurt: How did that happen?!
(Lorenzo comes running back to the bullpen.)
Jason: I’m so sorry Lorenzo.
Lorenzo: What?
Eli: Did you not hear the crowd chanting Fatty at you?
Lorenzo: Oh yeah! How cool was that?! The crowd acknowledged me!
Kurt: Seriously, is it not registering with you that they’re trying to fat-shame you?
Lorenzo: Why, do they think I don’t know I’m heavier than the average baseball player? Now if they broke some bad news to me, that would be a whole different thing.
Jason: How would they break bad news to you before you knew it? Don’t your family and friends keep you in the loop?
Lorenzo: There was that one time they canceled my favorite show. Me and Patty would watch it together every week.
Kurt: Who’s Patty?
Lorenzo: Oh, Patty’s what I call the hamburger I eat every time I watched it. Good stuff.
Bryan: Of course it is.
Jason: So Lorenzo, what’s been your strategy so far?
Lorenzo: Easy. I throw a slowball, they hit it. Then I take a bite of my frozen hot dog and repeat the process.
Robert: What’s a slowball?
Lorenzo: It’s basically a fastball, except slow.
Robert: How is that thrown?
Lorenzo: Slowly. Really, the fastest I can pitch since I have no velocity.
Kurt: And then you hope they just hit it at someone?
Lorenzo: Not necessarily. I just hope the fielders catch enough of them to not score any runs.
Jason: Hold on, I’m getting a call...(On the phone) Hello? Yes. OK. Thanks. Bye. (Hangs up)
Jason: That was the team manager. Change of plans, they’re going with the actual starters for the rest of the game.
Lorenzo: Really?
Jason: I’m afraid so.
Lorenzo: I THREW A NO HITTER!!!!
Jason: Technically yes. You walked a couple guys, hit someone, and your pitches were all over the place, but yeah.
(Lorenzo walks onto the field, tipping his cap. The crowd boos. Not because of Lorenzo, but because of a called ball four against the home team.)
Kurt: Wow. A no hitter, and the crowd is booing for something unrelated to us.
Eli: Think we win the game?
Robert: Maybe. Maybe not.
Bryan: I’m sure the score will be online. Let’s get out of here.
Jason: OK, I guess it’s settled, we’re leaving the game.
Lorenzo: Is this our last game?
Jason: Who knows. If our team wins, we play again. If they lose, I’ll see you all when I see you.
Lorenzo: My restaurant, same place same time?
Jason: Sure. But again, that’s only if our team loses. If they win, we have to go to the game. Alright everyone?
Lorenzo: Alright.
Jason: You’re the only one still here, aren’t you?
Lorenzo: Yep.
Jason: Let’s leave.

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