DATE: May 30, 1876. The Dover Doves and the Indianapolis Primates are playing in Indianapolis. The ballpark is packed, with not one of the 3,000 seats empty nor a spot for anyone else to stand in the bullpen; that is, the area in foul territory where late arrivers gather for a discounted price. Six bullpen regulars make their way to the bullpen between the first and third innings: SAMUEL, a railway worker who cheers on the Primates as long as they are winning; ABNER, a shoemaker who only goes to the bullpen for the discount; SALLY, ABNER's wife and a cigar-maker; CHESTER, a printer who took the fall when the Primates' one loss in 1875 made the front page; RALPH, a painter who helped paint the ballpark seats but has no choice but to stand in the bullpen because he is constantly late; and WILLIAM, a factory worker and heavy drinker who makes and loses his money gambling on games. By the bottom of the third inning, RALPH becomes the final regular to arrive in the bullpen. The Doves are leading 2-0.
CHESTER
Late again, Ralph?
RALPH
What's the score?
SAMUEL
Three to nothing by my count.
CHESTER
It's two to nothing, Doves are winning. Say, how hard is it to keep track?
SAMUEL
I've been keeping track! Dratted umpire called Nat out at the plate when he was clearly safe. Another hogwash of a call we got there.
The umpire turns and looks over toward the bullpen.
SAMUEL
HOGWASH, I SAID!
RALPH nods to the batter.
RALPH
What's the count on this guy?
CHESTER
Knowing him, he'll strike out.
BATTER
High!
The pitch comes in slightly below the high zone the batter called for, the ninth pitch to miss the zone.
UMPIRE
That's three balls, take your base!
Dover Doves fans start yelling profanities at the UMPIRE, with some throwing beer bottles. He takes cover as best he can. SAMUEL joins in, still reeling over the call at the plate earlier in the game.
ABNER
That's a walk.
RALPH
I know that now!
SALLY
I'll say he's a bit lucky, he called two high pitches and didn't swing at either when they made the zone.
CHESTER
He knew the pitcher couldn't throw four like that.
The next batter comes up to the plate.
WILLIAM
This guy better do something because I have a lot of money on this game.
SALLY
More than the price of a ticket?
WILLIAM
One dollar.
SALLY
You bet an entire day's pay on this game?!
WILLIAM nods.
SALLY
Well I'm glad my husband doesn't do that, right Abner?
ABNER
Not anymore.
The batter hits a sky ball into center field. The center fielder tries to catch it, but it bounces off his hands. The left fielder runs over for backup, but by then the Primates have a run on the board and a man on second base. The next Primates batter gets a hit into the outfield, tying the game at two. Action stalls until the ninth inning, causing some tension with the bullpen as nerves are high.
WILLIAM
Hand me a cigar, Sally, I'm celebrating early.
SALLY
I'm not handing anyone any cigar, you think I just carry my work everywhere I go?
CHESTER
Say Sally, why do you even work when Abner provides for you?
SALLY
I have two hands and I'm not afraid to use them.
ABNER
Now Sally, that's no way to respond.
There's a long silence with the regulars in the bullpen, leading RALPH to open discussion to politics.
RALPH
So who do we got winning?
WILLIAM
Why the Primates of course, I believe I've made myself clear.
SAMUEL
That's if the blockhead calling the shots doesn't screw everything up. We should be up five to one right now.
RALPH
Not the game, the election. Do we think the Democrats can finally take it back?
WILLIAM
My money's on the Dems. Literally.
SALLY
Oh who cares, they're all the same to me. Placing bets on the game, placing bets on silly old politics, can we just watch the game?
SAMUEL
I'm with Sally. LET'S GO PRIMITIVES!
ABNER
It's Primates.
SAMUEL
Whatever.
WILLIAM
Guys pay attention, two outs in the ninth. I sense a drawn game coming if we don't score here.
RALPH
Because the Primates wouldn't win or because you'd lose your money?
WILLIAM
Both, of course. Truly wish I didn't throw my beer at the ump in the fourth because I could really use one right now.
The Primates' batter hits a ground ball that goes through the second baseman's legs.
CHESTER
Look guys, it's a daisy cutter!
The batter rounds first and heads to second, where the throw goes over the second baseman's head. The second baseman picks up the ball and tries to throw the ball to the shortstop to get the batter out, but the throw is wide. The third baseman runs to pick up the ball and throw to home. The catcher tags the batter just before the batter reaches home plate, but the play was close. The umpire looks up to the crowd, many at the edge of their seats waiting to yell profanities or throw objects if the call doesn't go the Primates' way.
UMPIRE
SAFE! PRIMATES WIN!
The crowd goes wild with cheers.
ABNER
We won the first game!
CHESTER
First of many, I reckon.
SALLY
I don't know, he looked out to me.
ABNER
Oh shut it Sally, do you want the Primates to win or not? You know I don't have to bring you along to these games.
The stadium empties out, with fans pleased with the outcome despite the legitimacy of the score being questionable.