Frances walks onto the set.
Marcia: You’re late!
Jane: I got your coffee!
Marcia: You hear that? You’re so late that Jane beat you here!
Beverly: I think she’s phoning it in now that she knows she’s out of here soon.
Frances: No, I promise I have an explanation for my tardiness.
Marcia: Better be good, I had to listen to Jane talk about how her mom’s dog has fleas for like… what was it, five minutes? It felt like six hours.
Jane: I thought it was an interesting thing to talk about to fill time!
Marcia: There’s no way you felt that.
Frances: I brought smoothies! Lauren told me about some trendy new place that everyone’s raving about and I decided to stop by and try it out. Since the line was so long, I figured I’d get some for everyone!
Jane: Does that mean you don’t want your coffee?
Frances: No, turn that frown upside down, I’ll still drink it!
Jane: Yay!
Marcia: Honey, what are you gonna do when you don’t have Frances to get coffee for anymore?
Jane: I’m her personal assistant, I’ll just go to her new job!
Frances: I don’t think the new network is gonna pay for an assistant for me.
Jane: What do you mean?
Marcia: It means you got find a new job!
Jane: What if I just assist you around the house?
Marcia: I think Frances would love that!
Frances: I don’t know if that would be the best idea.
Jane: Why wouldn’t it be?
Marcia: Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?
Frances: Marcia, has anyone ever told you that you’re incredibly unhelpful?
Marcia: Many times.
Beverly: Well, speaking of people becoming unemployed, I have great news!
Marcia: Wow, what a segue.
Frances: I’d call that an all-timer.
Beverly: Thank you. So, Earl has officially, after many years of hard work at the firm, retired from accounting.
Frances: Wow, good for him!
Jane: What does an accountant actually do?
Marcia: I think he counts, no?
Beverly: He works - worked - in finances.
Marcia: So, as I said… he counts.
Frances: I’m happy for Earl. Maybe I can throw him a retirement party.
Beverly: He doesn't want to make a big to-do about it. I don’t know why.
Marcia: You do tend to take these sorta things to extremes.
Frances: I’ll never forget your 60th birthday party. That ice sculpture of your own head…
Beverly: That wasn’t my idea, I only agreed to go along with it.
Frances: Still, I understand his perspective. That doesn’t mean I’m not getting him a nice retirement gift, but I won’t force a party on him.
Marcia: Put my name on it.
Frances: What? Why would I do that?
Marcia: Because you owe me one. You are the reason I’ll be out of work.
Frances: When are you gonna stop using that as a way to get something from me?
Marcia: When’s our last day of filming?
Beverly: October 23rd.
Marcia: Then October 23rd.
Frances: Two more months of this?
Marcia: That’s the bare minimum for you putting us out of work!
Frances: I’m starting to get the feeling you were lying when you said you understood my decision to move on.
Marcia: I understood it. That doesn’t mean I like it.
Beverly: You know what I like? Not getting fired? Let’s get to work, guys!
Marcia: That doesn’t work on us now that we’re out of a job in two months anyway!
Jane: I don’t want getting fired to be on my permanent record.
Marcia: On your what?
Jane: My permanent record!
Marcia: You’re an adult, Jane. That was basically just a hoax in school teachers used to scare students, it sure isn’t real now.
Frances: I think she means a resumé.
Marcia: Getting fired from this job could only help in the eyes of a prospective employer viewing her resumé.
Jane: This is a great job!
Marcia: For mental patients and ex-convicts, sure.
Jane: This is the best job I’ve ever had.
Marcia: Surely it’s the only job you’ve ever had.
Jane: No!
Marcia: Who else hired you?
Beverly: Ladies!
Frances: I’m sorry about them, Beverly.
Beverly: I recall you joining in on the conversation.
Frances: I don’t. I think you’re disremembering.
Dana: Hello, traitor and friends.
Frances: Dana, are you still upset I’m leaving?
Dana: Not really, but I do enjoy giving you a hard time. That’s why I’m thrilled to announce we have a meeting today, and you’re all invited! Frances, Beverly, your presence is mandatory.
Frances: Of course it is.
Jane: Why is my presence not mandatory?
Dana: I’m not going to answer that, because I don’t want to be mean.
Jane: Huh?
Dana: Ah, I’m gonna miss you.
Beverly: We’ll be there, Dana.
Dana: I wasn’t really asking, but glad you’ve accepted it.
Later that day…
Dana: Thank you all for joining me here today! I know you all have such busy schedules and are hard at work.
Essie: You made us come here.
DeAnna: Yeah, I had to ask my assistant to watch he oven so the cake I’m baking for my show doesn’t burn.
Frances: Poor you.
DeAnna: My assistant is leaving me, by the way, and Frances encouraged it!
Frances: She got a better offer! She’s gonna be on TV!
Essie: Oh, that’s so exciting.
Frances: Thank you, Essie. We’re very excited for her.
DeAnna: Ass-kisser.
Frances: We’re especially excited for her to finally get away from DeAnna.
DeAnna: I’ve been nothing but nice to her!
Dana: Ladies, I don’t mean any disrespect, but is there anything you’d like to share with the entire group?
DeAnna: They’re bullying me.
Essie: I did not bully you!
DeAnna: Just having to see your stupid old face is basically the universe bullying me.
Essie: You’re older than me!
Dana: So, if these two don’t mind, I wanted to address our network’s future.
DeAnna: Oh god, is the entire network shutting down? Frances, this is your fault!
Frances: Is that you admitting my importance to this network?
DeAnna: No, it’s me blaming you for ruining everything. Again!
Dana: So, as we’re all aware now, Frances in the Kitchen is ending a stellar decade-plus run later this year. It’s a nightly centerpiece of our network, and we are going to miss both the show and its star, our friend Frances.
DeAnna: Did you call us all down here just to tell us how great Frances is? You interrupted my show to lie to our faces?
Dana: Frances’s exit will leave a thirty-minute vacancy on our schedule in the anchor position. We have not yet decided on what show will replace Frances at 8 PM, or what new half-hour program will be debuting in her place. That being said, I want to announce some thrilling new series we have coming up! TBC has negotiated exclusive cable rights to Frances’s as-of-yet untitled new baking series.
DeAnna: Oh, hell no!
Dana: Yes, I’m as shocked as anyone! Paul McVann reached out with the offer. He said he knows that no network’s audience is more familiar with Frances’s work than this network’s, and that. They could tap into an additional, compatible audience. We’re very excited to keep Frances on the network in some way.
Frances: Wow, I like that.
Dana: I’m glad!
DeAnna: Is that all?
Dana: Oh, no! We also have a new cooking show hosted by TV’s Jackée Harry!
DeAnna: Okay.
Frances: My condolences to Jackée on having to interact with DeAnna in the future.
DeAnna: Anything else?
One hour later…
Dana: So that’s all! Thank you for bearing with me, I know that was a long meeting, but it was very fruitful.
DeAnna: We learned nothing. This could have been an email. Goodbye.
Frances: Bev, I did some thinking during that marathon meeting. I had time, you know, since I tuned her out about ten minutes in.
Beverly: What were you thinking about?
Marcia: This should be good.
Frances: I know Earl doesn’t want a party, but I do think he deserves a nice dinner. How about you guys come over tomorrow night?
Beverly: You mean it?
Frances: Of course!
Beverly: That would be so sweet!
Dana: Why are we going to Frances’s for dinner?
Beverly: What? It was just a -
Marcia: Beverly’s husband is retiring.
Dana: I’ll be there. What time?
Frances: Oh my.
Marcia: Then I’m coming, too.
Jane: I’m not gonna be left out!
Beverly: This is starting to feel like a party.
Frances: Nope, just a dinner! Maybe just don’t tell him about all the guests.
Beverly: So we’re starting off my husband’s retirement with lying. Excellent.
Frances: Not lying! Just a minor omission of details.
The next night…
Frances: Guys, remember, this is not a party.
Louise: This feels like a party.
Jimmy: Do we take the “Happy Retirement” banner down?
Frances: I think that’s for the best.
Lauren: DeAnna’s not coming, right?
Frances: Thankfully not.
Lauren: Thank the lord. She’s laying on the guilt trip HARD at work.
Frances: She’s even doing it to me! I didn’t make you audition for a pilot!
Lauren: You were right, she’s… a lot.
Dana: I hear nothing.
Louise: My god, I didn’t even realize she was here.
Marcia: She did enough talking yesterday, she’s got nothing left to say.
Dana: I don’t know why I attend these social events sometimes.
Marcia: I don’t either!
Jane: Dana, are you looking for an assistant?
Dana: I’m good.
Jane: Cool, cool.
There’s a knock at the door.
Jimmy: Well, either Beverly’s here, or someone’s shown up uninvited.
Frances: Did any of you invite anyone else?
Dana: No, I wanted to see it exclusive.
Marcia: That’s funny, so did Beverly.
Frances opens the door.
Frances: Welcome! And congrats, Earl!
Earl: Thanks, Frances. This was very nice of you.
Beverly: Hi.
Frances: You’re not your bubbly self
Beverly: Yeah, I’m not feeling bubbly.
Marcia: Something’s off.
Beverly: Everything’s fine.
Frances: That doesn’t make it any less suspicious.
Jimmy: Who likes lamb?
Jane: I love lambs, they’re so cute!
Jimmy: I meant to eat.
Jane: People eat baby sheep?
Frances: I also made chicken. We’re gonna give Jane chicken.
Dana: Put me down for chicken. I’m vegetarian.
Frances: I’m not an expert, but I don’t think that’s how that works.
Dana: I always just say I’m vegetarian to get myself out of eating weird meats I don’t like. Alligator, octopus, lamb, all that stuff.
Frances: All right, I’m not gonna dwell on this. Earl, this is your day.
Beverly: Oh, he’s aware.
Earl; I’m sorry I got upset with you.
Marcia: All right, looks like this is happening.
Earl: By the way, I said no party! Yet, here your work colleagues are!
Jane: Is he mad at me?
Beverly: No, he’s mad at me!
Earl: You always value work over me!
Beverly: I do not! I just… this job has meant so much to me. I know you want to go to Europe right away because you want your new “adventure” to start right now. I understand it. I just can’t come with you now. Two months and I’m ready.
Frances: Oh god, they’re arguing because of me.
Beverly: No, I’m arguing with him because he’s being an insensitive jerk!
Earl: I just said I was disappointed you didn’t want to come with me. You’re the one who took it as a personal affront.
Beverly: You said, and I quote, “You always choose work over me.”
Frances: Guys, this is not you. You are the happiest couple I know.
Beverly: Sometimes, you have to fight to stay happy.
Jane: That doesn’t make any -
Marcia: Shh. This is entertaining.
Earl: I was offended by how quickly you shut down my dream. It really didn’t feel great.
Beverly: I do apologize for being dismissive. I just wanted you to understand how much this job has meant to me. This has been the experience of a lifetime.
Frances: Aww!
Louise: I’m hungry, I’m not waiting for General Hospital to finish before I dig in.
Lauren: Mom!
Louise: Don’t mother me.
Lauren: You mother me!
Louise: I am your mother!
Jimmy: I actually find this fight sort of heartwarming.
Dana: I know far too much about all of your personal lives.
Frances: Is that lawyer spilling all the secrets about my divorce to you? I knew I shouldn’t have hired a lawyer I knew you already used.
Dana: You won’t be saying that when he wins you your case!
Beverly: Earl, I want you to go to Europe and have the time of your life. I need to be here for now, but I’ll join you as soon as I can… if you’ll have me.
Earl: Of course I will. Why do you think I got so upset you said you wouldn’t come? I want nothing more than to explore the world with the person I love the most.
Marcia: It’s like a Hallmark movie.
Jane: I need a tissue. It’s so sweet when the elderly are romantic like this.
Earl: Elderly?
Frances: Maybe let’s focus less on Jane’s insults and ignorance and more on the lovely dinner I’ve prepared in celebration of your much-deserved retirement.
Earl: You’re right. You guys have heard enough of this. What do you say, Bev? Are we good?
Beverly: Of course, dear.
Jimmy: Hooray! Time to eat.
Lauren: Mom’s almost done already.
Louise: It’s delicious, Frances!
Earl: I must say, I always did want to celebrate my retirement with a bunch of people I barely know and will apparently see again.
One week later…
Beverly: God, I miss Earl.
Marcia: It’s been four days.
Frances: It’s her husband. While I personally have greatly enjoyed my many months without seeing my husband, I understand why she misses him already.
Marcia: I’d be doing somersaults if I got four days away from my husband.
Jane: I think it’s so sweet how much they love each other! It’s true love, like what me and Jaime have.
Marcia: Yeah, that’s the relationship all others must be compared to.
Jane: Are you saying that because we’re gay?
Marcia: No, because you’re not even married yet.
Jane: We couldn’t’ even get married until recently. It was illegal.
Marcia: You met each other after gay marriage was legalized in California.
Frances: she got you there.
Beverly: Earl sent me a text this morning, he’s in Italy now.
Frances: God, I love Italian food.
Beverly: He apparently has food poisoning.
Marcia: See, you’re not missing out on anything good. Now, stop moping.
Frances: I saved you from food poisoning, I guess. You’re welcome.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
