Frances, Marcia, Beverly, and Jane are at a restaurant for dinner.
Beverly: Frances, you’ve looked down all day. Something up?
Frances: I don’t want to talk about it.
Marcia: Did you get fired from your fancy new job? I bet Dana would let you come back. Maybe bring it up to her! It’s an idea!
Frances: No, I did not get fired.
Marcia: Dammit.
Frances: Are you serious?
Marcia: I don’t want you fired, but I also don’t want the show to end. Plus, if you’re not in a bad mood because of your job, something else must be up.
Frances: I’m not loving being interrogated.
Beverly: I’m sorry, I started it. I just… I’ve never seen you not dig into mozzarella sticks.
Frances: They look burnt.
Beverly: Is that not the point? They’re just melted, burnt pieces of cheese with breadcrumbs on them.
Frances: Not if you make them right! These are an affront to… Italy or wherever they originated.
Marcia: So that’s the only reason you’re in a bad mood? Petty nonsense.
Frances: It’s not petty! It’s honesty.
Jane: I like these mozzarella sticks just fine.
Beverly: She’s clearly not upset about the damn mozzarella sticks.
Frances: I’m supposed to go to a mediator’s office to settle my divorce tomorrow.
Beverly: Oh my gosh, that happened so quick.
Frances: I was able to successfully make the argument that the marriage continuing was a direct threat to my financial status. After all the damage he did to my bank account, the court was willing to expedite things.
Marcia: He’s pretty offended by that, by the way.
Frances: By what?
Marcia: You thinking he’s gonna try to steal your money.
Frances: Well, I hate to tell him this, but that’s the entire reason we’re getting divorced at all.
Marcia: I know that. He’s still in denial. He thinks he’s reformed.
Frances: I’ve heard that enough times to never trust it again.
Jane: It’s so sad you two had to split up. You were perfect together!
Frances: He was slowly stealing my money to pay for his gambling addiction.
Jane: But you loved each other!
Frances: Love isn’t always eternal.
Jane: It should be! I know me and Jaime will always love each other.
Frances: I think it’s just hard to explain how I feel. I did love him, I appreciate the times that we had, but when you lose that trust, it’s time to go. And I lost it multiple times, because I gave him multiple chances that I probably shouldn’t have. But I don’t have regrets anymore. Sometimes, things aren’t supposed to work out. Knowing that I tried to make a go of it and he couldn’t put up that same effort, it’s how I know I made the right decision. This divorce had to be done, and I’m moving on.
Beverly: In more ways than one!
Marcia: Did you have to remind us?
Beverly: Well, I’m still looking for a job, so it’s weighing on me.
Frances: I did ask Lauren if her show was looking for a producer. She said no, and also reiterated that the show isn’t actually ordered yet.
Beverly: Dana’s been quiet, too. I’m sure I’ll find something. If not, I’m supposed to go meet up with Earl in Europe, anyway. I could use a break.
Marcia: It’s just so hard to believe how close it’s getting to the end. I keep saying it, but I’m gonna miss this.
Frances: We might not spontaneously get together for dinner and drinks after work like this, but we will still get together, as long as Jane doesn’t get lost on her way here.
Jane: I don’t get lost. That often…
Marcia: She just got lost while trying to figure out how often she gets lost.
Jane: Did not!
Beverly: So, Frances, not to get too nosy-
Frances: Too late, but carry on.
Beverly: Do you have any idea what Greg is gonna ask for in the divorce?
Frances: No idea. If he’s smart, he’ll ask for nothing and just let it be done. I’ll fight anything he asks me for, he’s already got his share.
Marcia: I’m his sister, and I agree with that.
Frances: Would you be willing to tell that to a court?
Marcia: For a price.
Jane: I’d do it for free!
Marcia: She’s trying to avoid paying in this divorce, not lose everything.
Jane: You don’t think I would make a good character witness?
Beverly: Well, for one, if you claimed to be Greg’s sister, you’d go to jail for perjury.
Jane: Why would I claim to be Greg’s sister? I’m not.
Beverly: That would be the whole point of getting Marcia to testify. Sort of loses the impact when you’re the one saying it. You’re just Frances’s own friend sticking up for her.
Frances: You know what? I plan for this divorce to be straightforward, no need to have anyone testify.
The next day…
Frances: Hello, Gregory.
Greg: You brought your agent?
Yvonne: Damn right she did, you little rat man!
Frances: Yvonne, let’s calm down.
Yvonne: You are too white to be telling me to calm down.
Frances: You’re right, and I do apologize. Please lay into him as much as you have to.
Greg: I take it you don’t intend for this divorce to be amicable.
Frances: Did you think withdrawing thousands from my bank account would foster an amicable response?
Sarah (Greg’s lawyer): Don’t answer that.
Frances: Does he not have permission? Who even are you?
Greg: This is Sarah Fowler, my lawyer. Unlike you, I brought a lawyer rather than an agent.
Frances: Yvonne is involved in all my affairs, both business and professional. I also have a lawyer, he’s just running late.
Greg: You know, we don’t have to do this.
Frances: Do what? Negotiate the terms of this divorce?
Greg: We don’t have to get divorced at all.
Frances: That’s a good joke.
Greg: I’ve put my gambling behind me.
Sarah: You weren’t supposed to mention that.
Greg: We’re not in court! She doesn’t even have a lawyer!
Sarah: Her foolishness shouldn’t be an excuse to shoot yourself in the foot as well.
Greg: I just feel bad.
Frances: I have a lawyer.
Greg: Is she from Canada?
Frances: We’re not married anymore, you don’t get to joke with me like that.
Greg: We’re still married, actually.
Frances: Against my will!
Yvonne: There’s a large white man approaching. I don’t know if he’s supposed to be here or not, but he’s very intimidating.
Greg: Bill said he wasn’t taking sides!
Frances: And you bought that?
Greg: He’s always been honest to me!
Frances: He’s a lawyer!
Bill: Who is?
Frances: Bill, good to see ya! They thought I was lying about having a lawyer, like some sort of crazy person!
Yvonne: Or worse: a poor person!
Bill: I guess we should get this started. I have another client in a half-hour, I expect this to be nice and easy.
Frances: All right, but… you can cancel that if this goes over, right?
Bill: Nope. It’s why we have to get straight to business.
Frances: So, where’s this mediator?
Greg: She’s waiting for us in the room already.
Frances: This is very unprofessional. We’ve come to her office, we -
Bill: Let’s not talk smack about the person who can put their thumb on the scale in this negotiation.
Frances: Very true, Bill. This is why I pay you all the big bucks that I won’t allow Greg access to. By the way, Fowler, did he steal from my bank account to pay you, too?
Sarah: I don’t find the insinuation appropriate.
Frances: Greg, she’s a buzzkill just like you. You’d make a perfect pairing.
Frances, Greg, and their advisers enter the mediator’s office.
Joan (mediator): Welcome, everyone. It’s wonderful to have you.
Bill: Could we speed this up?
Yvonne (whispering): Frances, you’re gonna lose.
Frances: I am not!
Ten minutes later…
Joan: I think the best way to start this off is to ask what both of you would like from this mediation. What’s the end goal for both of you? What are you asking the other person for as you dissolve this marriage? Frances, you can go first.
Frances: Everything I currently have, I will keep. I will not pay alimony. He can keep the money he’s earned himself, he can keep his own possessions. He gets nothing from me. This will be a clean break. I’m not losing anything I’ve got now because of what he did to me. This is on him.
Joan: All right, I do hear you.
Frances: Glad to hear that. We are only a few feet away, so I’d hope you could hear it.
Bill: Frances…
Frances: Sorry.
Joan: I would like to hear what Greg has to say.
Greg: I want the Dodge.
Frances: Funny!
Greg: I want a producer’s credit on Frances in the Kitchen. I also am owed alimony, especially since you’re taking the house, which I’m not fighting you on.
Frances: I’d hope not, I bought it.
Greg: I’ve contributed to this marriage in so many ways that you took for granted.
Frances: All you contributed to was taking years off of my life!
Yvonne: Get him, sister!
Sarah: Does she need to be here? Is she even an attorney?
Yvonne: Are you asking that because I’m black?
Sarah: I’m asking because my client has described you as “an agent.”
Bill: She’s not an attorney.
Yvonne: I’m here as a business consultant, which is important, as your client is trying to rob mine of producer credits on a show he has NOTHING to do with!
Greg: I was supportive of her TV venture, I was a soundboard for creative ideas, I was -
Frances: That’s the basic job of a husband! I supported you in the job you quit to gamble, I’m not asking for half your money from that!
Greg: I’m not asking for any of your money.
Frances: You want alimony. I think I’m the spouse that deserves support. You’re lucky I haven’t pressed charges against you! I could!
Sarah: I don’t think that’s necessary.
Frances: If he pushes too hard, I won’t hesitate. You’re a thief, you’re a liar, you’re a sad little man.
Greg: You married me!
Frances: We all make mistakes!
Bill: Frances, maybe we should take a break to cool down.
Frances: I’ll cool down when he stops demanding my rightful property! You betrayed me, you made me look like a fool, now you’re insulting me and taking credit for what I built!
Greg: I just want credit for what I’ve contributed. I shouldn’t have to just walk away from this marriage empty-handed.
Frances: I thought you didn’t want to walk away at all. Suddenly, you’ve got a list of demands. It’s almost as if you’re a phony!
Greg: You made it clear you’re moving ahead with divorce.
Yvonne: Duh!
Greg: Since the divorce is happening anyway, I think I have to get something out of it.
Frances: Bill, what do we do here?
Bill: It doesn’t look like you two are going to agree.
Frances: I know ways to get him to agree. I don’t know if they’re legal, but -
Bill: Shush.
Frances: Sorry.
Joan: I think it’s for the best if I declare an impasse here. This isn’t going anywhere, it’s getting ugly, and I’d rather not worsen this.
Frances: What does that mean?
Bill: Court.
Frances: No thank you.
Bill: Not really up to us.
Frances: Give me a bat and I’ll get this solved.
Bill: Frances!
Yvonne: You get his ass, girl!
Later that day, and Jimmy and Louise’s…
Frances: Could I come in?
Jimmy: Of course! You look shell-shocked, are you okay?
Frances: I think I need to lie down.
Louise: Your house is right down the street, dear.
Frances: I need company.
Lauren: I suggested coming here. She really needs some support.
Jimmy: What happened?
Frances: I need to sit down first.
Louise: Weren’t you going in for mediation for your divorce today?
Frances: Ugh…
Jimmy: Oh boy.
Frances: I’m sad!
Jimmy: Okay, come on in. We’ll put Modern Family on, we’ll get you cheered up.
Frances: I’d rather watch something that doesn’t remind me of how alone I am.
Louise: Do they make a lot of shows about sad, lonely women?
Jimmy: Seinfeld, kind of.
Lauren: Did you just compare her to Elaine?
Jimmy: I don’t know, it’s hard to cheer someone up when you don’t know why they’re sad.
Frances: Greg is dragging this divorce out. He wants one of the cars, and a producer credit on my show, and alimony, and other stuff I tuned out. I’m just exhausted, and I don’t know how I could deal with a messy trial over this. I expected this to just be done with.
Jimmy: Bring it in. I love you, kid. And I’m so sorry you’re hurting.
Louise: Is this going to impact dinner?
The next day…
DeAnna: Look what the cat dragged in!
Frances: Not in the mood!
DeAnna: Wow, that actually seemed genuine.
Frances: It is. I don’t have time for this right now.
DeAnna: What’s up?
Frances: Why would I tell you? You’ll just use it to mock me.
DeAnna: Is that what you think of me?
Frances: Yes! It’s precisely who you’ve always been!
DeAnna: Well, not in this moment. I don’t kick a woman that’s down. I’ll leave you be.
Frances: Thank you.
DeAnna: You’re welcome.
Frances: I need a hug.
DeAnna: That’s going a bit far.
Frances: I knew it as soon as I said it.
Frances walks onto the set of her show.
Beverly: So, how’d it go? I bet you -
Frances: I need a hug!
Beverly: Oh no!
Jane: I’ll testify for you!
Marcia: What happened?
Frances: He wants… much more than I’m willing to give.
Marcia: He shouldn’t be demanding anything. He certainly hasn’t earned it after what he did.
Frances: Thank you!
Marcia: Anytime!
Frances: He even wanted a producer credit on this show, for the sake of the royalties!
Beverly: Call him up right now! I’ll get that little worm in order! Sorry, Marcia.
Marcia: No, you said nothing wrong. In fact, I think I’ll call him up. If anyone can get through to him, it’s me.
Frances: You think so?
Marcia: I think I’m quite skilled, yes.
Beverly: Frances, this pains me to say. You might be screwed.
Frances: I know!
A few days later…
Marcia: Thank you both for meeting me here, and without those pesky attorneys.
Frances: I won’t cause a scene, because I respect you too much. But he better not be screwing me again. He’s lost any right to do that.
Greg: Frances, Marcia had a heart-to-heart with me. And she made me realize I’ve been unfair to you here. You should take what you deserve, and I shouldn’t get greedy. I don’t want a piece of your show, I don’t want your car, I don’t need alimony. I just need your to know that I’m sorry, and that the time we shared did mean something to me. I wish it ended different, and I really wish I hadn’t embarrassed myself like this once again.
Frances: I appreciate that. I don’t think I can forgive you now, maybe never. But I appreciate you seeing the error of your ways. And, more than anything, I appreciate Marcia.
Marcia: What did I say? Skilled!
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
