Frances arrives at the studio and gets out of her car.
DeAnna: You’re still here?
Frances: October. I keep telling you, October.
DeAnna: I thought you said August!
Frances: You just don’t listen.
DeAnna: Only to you.
Frances: This is such a stimulating conversation. So stimulating, I think I actually have to head inside and process it all.
DeAnna: You bully me.
Frances: And you richly deserve it.
DeAnna: Would you mind telling me the parameters of your office? I’m thinking of moving to your studio, I know it’s much nicer.
Lauren: DeAnna, it’s my last day on the job. Could you get in here please?
DeAnna: I’m putting your aunt in her place!
Lauren: Oh, that’s great.
Frances: Hi, Lauren! Congrats on your upcoming emancipation from this horrible witch!
Lauren: Please don’t taunt her too much. I don’t want to have to listen to her complain about you for the entirety of my last day.
DeAnna: Too late for that!
Lauren: Ah, great.
Frances: Okay, I’m going in to get some work done.
DeAnna: They do facelifts in there? Good, you could use one.
Frances: At least it would be worth it for me. You’re close enough to death that even the plastic surgeons would say “eh, not worth it.”
DeAnna: By the way, I think I just Dana head in there about ten minutes ago.
Frances: Yeah, sure you did.
DeAnna: You don’t have to believe me. Time will prove me right, as always.
Frances walks onto her set.
Frances: My god, DeAnna is so annoying!
Dana: Well aware.
Frances: Oh my gosh, hi Dana. Am I being let go early?
Dana: No. I have a proposal.
Frances: Dana, I signed a non-compete contract. I couldn’t stay here even if I wanted to!
Dana: Not that. I’ve accepted it, I’ve moved on, we’re planning for the future. Actually, with you going, we’re planning a whole revamp of the network. New logo, new slogan, some new shows -
Frances: Did I get people fired?
Dana: It was time for a refresh, anyway. You have to evolve to stay relevant.
Frances: Can you fire DeAnna, please?
Dana: She’ll be staying.
Frances: Dammit! It’s never the bad ones!
Marcia: Yeah, for example, we’re all great, and you’re putting us out of work.
Frances: All right, I’ve heard enough about that.
Marcia: Are you telling me I can’t complain about losing my job?
Beverly: You don’t have to say it every day. We went out for brunch last weekend and you were complaining about it.
Marcia: It’s a big change!
Jane: I got a new job already.
Frances: Oh my gosh, congratulations! What is it?
Jane: Oh, um, Jaime said I can be a stay-at-home wife!
Frances: Oh! Well, I don’t know if that’s a “job,” per se.
Marcia: Come on, Frances, it’s for the best. For everyone.
Dana: Okay, I allowed you to all catch up. Now it’s my turn. I am still your boss, remember?
Beverly: If you need a producer for any of those new shows you’re working on… well, I’d love for you to remain my boss.
Dana; I’ll keep you in mind.
Beverly: You’ve got my new number, right?
Dana: I do.
Beverly: Thank god.
Jane: You have a new number?
Dana: Not important right now! What is important is that. As I said, I have a proposal.
Jane: That’s what Jaime said to me a few months ago! It was so romantic!
Dana: I’m sure it was. This is a different type of proposal, though.
Jane: How so?
Marcia: Jane, I think I saw an airplane outside. I know how much those interest you.
Jane: Oh, I’m gonna go look at it!
Dana: Thank god!
Frances: So what’s up?
Dana: Your highest-rated shows of the year are always your on-location shoots in various exotic new locales. I think it’s only right that we send your show out with a bang, and send you to another fun new place.
Frances: I’ve always wanted to film in Paris!
Dana: Let’s think a bit less… expensive.
Frances: London?
Dana: Somewhere in America?
Beverly: Maybe Frances could kindly take us to experience Hawaii, since she left us out when she took her little trip.
Dana: You’ve already filmed there.
Marcia: It seems like you’ve already picked out a place.
Dana: No, it’s up to you!
Frances: Paris.
Dana: Within reason.
Beverly: Hawaii!
Frances: I was thinking Alaska.
Marcia: Ew! It’s cold there! And wild!
Dana: How about Cape Cod?
Marcia: It does have a beach, at least.
Frances: Our big sendoff is a trip to Cape Cod?
Dana: It’s a beautiful place.
Frances: I know it is, I just thought I gave enough to this network to earn a slightly higher-budget sendoff.
Dana: You didn’t even know we were having you film somewhere else before now. What kind of farewell tour did you think we were gonna send you on?
Frances: I don’t know, it just sounded more elaborate in my head when you suggested it.
Jane: Hey, there was no plane out there.
Marcia: Ah, such a shame.
Jane: What were you guys talking about?
Dana: You’re going to Cape Cod!
Jane: Oh my gosh, cool! Where’s Cape Cod?
Marcia: I can’t believe I gave up smoking.
Beverly: When did you smoke?
Marcia: Twenty years ago. I need to take it up again.
Dana: Two months, Marcia!
Marcia: I don’t know if I can do it.
Later that day, Frances knocks on Jimmy and Louise’s door.
Louise: Oh god, not again.
Jimmy: Who is it?
Louise: Jehovah’s Witnesses!
Frances: It’s me!
Louise: You and your big mouth!
Frances: I love you, too.
Jimmy: Frances! What brings you around?
Louise: And why’s our daughter not with you?
Frances: This doesn’t involve her. I’m here to ask the two of you to accompany me on a trip.
Louise: We going back to Hawaii?
Frances: Not quite. Beverly tried.
Louise: Then I’m not interested.
Frances: Cape Cod is nice! They have beaches!
Jimmy: I wanna go!
Frances: Good to hear! It’s my last time taking a trip as part of my show, it’s gonna be very special. I know Lauren’s busy filming her pilot, but I’m glad you guys are gonna join me.
Louise: I didn’t say yes. I just took off from work for Hawaii! I’m not a rich celebrity like you, I can’t take off whenever I please.
Frances: Oh, come on! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime trip!
Louise: Are they shutting down Cape Cod after this?
Frances: You are such a negative Nancy.
Jimmy: We’ll be there.
Frances: Thank you! We’re leaving next Sunday!
Jimmy: Well, that’s a quick turnaround.
Louise: If I get fired, it’s your fault.
Frances: I’ve heard that a lot lately.
The next week…
Beverly: How long have we been at this airport?
Frances: Four hours.
Marcia: We’ve been waiting for them to find our luggage longer than we were on that plane.
Frances: We might not be able to film tomorrow. We’re still gonna be here waiting.
Jane: I like it here.
Marcia: We know, you like planes.
Jane: They’re so fun to watch!
Marcia: Jaime, what do you two talk about?
Jaime: She has a much more fascinating mind than most of you are willing to give her credit for.
Marcia: Oh, I freely admit she’s got a fascinating mind. I think it has to be donated to science when the time comes.
Jane: That’s so sweet!
Jimmy: Honey, I don’t think it was meant to be sweet.
Jane: No, it was.
Louise: I was promised seaside luxury. This is a nightmare.
Frances: It’s a little delay, would you stop your whining?
Louise: No!
Frances: Well, we have plenty of time to plan what we’re doing while we’re here.
Beverly: Working. We’re working.
Frances: We’re here five days, we have to film five shows. That’s not gonna take up the entire week.
Beverly: You have a point, I’m sorry, just a little cranky.
Marcia: How could anyone not be cranky?
Frances: Jane’s having a great time.
Jaime: She often does.
Frances: Ah, to be freed from the shackles of comprehending the horrors of reality.
Jimmy: Look, I think they found our luggage!
Marcia: If they didn’t, and you gave me false hope, I will kill you.
Later that night…
Frances: Ah, finally, a hotel. One with a bed, and a shower, and all that I need for maximum comfort after a long day.
Louise: This is a nice place. I was expecting, like, Motel 6.
Jane: That sounds like a neat place!
Louise: Oh, it’s neat all right.
Frances: All right, I’m gonna go check in and get up to my room. I really am beat from this day, and It’s getting late.
Beverly: Yeah, you got that right. Tomorrow’s a show day, so we all need our rest.
Louise: I don’t have to work, and because of Frances, may never have to again. We’ll find out when I get back to work next Monday!
Marcia: Wow, Frances knows how to put someone out of work.
Frances: Good night, everybody.
Marcia: You didn’t check in yet.
Frances: See how out of it I am? And I have to make clam chowder tomorrow! This will end bad!
The next day…
Jane: Frances, that clam chowder was delicious. I never realized there were actual clams in clam chowder.
Frances: You… huh?
Jane: I thought it was just a name, like Grape Nuts.
Marcia: I always have wondered why they call it Grape Nuts. There are no grapes nor nuts in it.
Jane: Right!
Marcia: Oh my god, I’m finding something Jane said semi-insightful.
Jane: See! I have a brain!
Frances: Or maybe Marcia just doesn’t.
Marcia: Low blow!
Beverly: You’ve been giving Jane low blows for the last decade,.
Marcia: That’s true. And I do apologize.
Frances: Wow, this is major progress we’re making. I think we need to celebrate with a nice trip to Provincetown! Night on the town with the girls, maybe?
Beverly: I have a whole plan for the week. I felt bad about brushing you off yesterday, because I know this is our last trip together. I do want to make it special, so I spent last night researching all the best things to see here. We’re gonna cram in as much as we can!
Frances: You guys do know we can still do trips together in the future, right? We’re always gonna be friends.
Beverly: But it’s gonna be different. Our schedules wont’t be the same anymore, we won’t be able to just drop everything and go like we do now. We won’t have a network to pay for it all!
Marcia: We do have Frances to pay for it, though.
Beverly: Very good point.
Frances: I promise you guys, this is not our last trip together. Our last official trip as the “Frances in the Kitchen” gang? Sure. But our last trip as friends? Absolutely not. Maybe next time, we can actually go to Paris together!
Marcia: I know I give you a hard time for costing all of us our jobs and everything, but I really will miss this. This group here, it is special. And I don’t mean that as a dig on Jane, like usual.
Jane: I know.
Marcia: I don’t know if you do.
Frances: Now, let’s get loaded!
Beverly: Someone has to be the designated driver.
Frances: Not me!
Marcia: Let’s just take Jimmy with us. He never gets drunk, he doesn’t like fun.
Frances: Won’t be a girls trip anymore if he comes.
Marcia: Eh, close enough.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
