Frances pulls into the parking lot.
DeAnna: Hey! You’re here!
Frances: Yeah, I do technically still work here.
DeAnna: Unfortunately yes, but that’s not what I was referring to. Lauren’s not here. I figured she was coming with you, and you were running late, but that’s clearly not the case. I also thought maybe you took her back to Hawaii against her will.
Frances: I did that ONE time, why does everyone act like it’s something I’ve made a habit out of doing?
DeAnna: Well… it’s odd you did it once, for one.
Frances: It’s not that odd!
DeAnna: You packed up your whole family and fled to Hawaii like you just robbed a bank. It’s pretty unusual.
Frances: This time, it’s nothing to do with me. Have you tried calling her?
DeAnna: Straight to voicemail! Something is up!
Frances: She left just like normal today. Only difference was it was about ten minutes earlier. I figured she had something to do here that made her want to get an early start to the day.
DeAnna: Is it not odd to you that you leave an hour after your niece usually? She’s an assistant, you’re a host - for the next, uh, two months, that is.
Frances: We have different hours on our shows. You’re an old lady, so I get you wanting an earlier start and finish to your day.
DeAnna: You’re not exactly youthful. And at least I’ve got a husband!
Frances: That was a low blow. I should give you one, but I don’t believe in violence.
DeAnna: Do you think words are violence?
Frances: I didn’t mean a verbal blow.
DeAnna: You think you could beat me in a fight?
Frances: Easily, grandma. Now, let me get to my set. I barely have any time left on it so as it is.
DeAnna: You don’t care about your own niece’s whereabouts? Gosh, you’re even more evil than I imagined.
Frances: I’m sure she’s completely fine, and she doesn’t work on my show, so it’s an inconvenience that doesn’t concern me at all.
DeAnna: If I find out you knew where she was and didn’t tell me, I’ll, uh… um…
Frances: What? Get me fired? Ha!
Frances walks onto the set.
Frances: God, DeAnna’s such an odd one.
Marcia: It took you this long to realize it?
Jane: No, she’s always hated her.
Marcia: Thanks, didn’t realize it.
Jane: You’re welcome!
Beverly: What did she do now?
Frances: She comes at me all aggressive, basically accusing me of forcing Lauren not to come in to work.
Marcia: Well, did you?
Frances: No! Why would you ask something so dumb?
Beverly: You have done it before.
Frances: Once!
Marcia: Once more than most of us.
Jane: So, where is Lauren?
Frances: I don’t know, actually. She had breakfast and said she wanted to hit the road early, and I didn’t question it.
Marcia: That seems bad.
Frances: She’s a grown woman, I’m not worried.
Marcia: Grown woman go missing.
Frances: Why are you doing this to me? I thought this was a fun moment we could all have, mocking DeAnna for being unhinged.
Marcia: We have to get out lick back for you causing us all to be unemployed. I’m sure you get it.
Frances: I guess that’s fair. Should we get to work?
Marcia: I prefer to keep gossiping. It’s not like Dana can fire us!
Caroline: Oh, but she can! And unlike you, I’m not related to a rich celebrity, so I could really use those two months’ worth of salary.
Frances: All right, then I guess we should get whipping up some breakfast food, or whatever the hell we’re supposed to be making today.
Marcia: You’ve really checked out, huh?
Frances: No, I just prefer to let Bev pick out what I’m making.
Beverly: She’s always been lazy like that.
Marcia: I’m gonna miss our banter.
Frances: You guys are talking like we’re all dying. Knock it off!
Marcia: You’re becoming network famous. You won’t have time for all of us.
Frances: Is that really what you think of me?
Marcia: It’s the reality of celebrity. It’s okay to admit we’ll grow apart.
Jane: I don’t want to grow apart!
Frances: We will all remain friends. That’s something I’m certain of. Now, can we all stop talking about this and get to work?
Beverly: That would be great!
Marcia: Maybe we can talk about this later, maybe over drinks?
Frances: Oh, I gotta get home. I promised -
Marcia: My point exactly! She’s already too busy for us!
Frances: No, I’m not! How about tomorrow?
Marcia: I have plans tomorrow.
Frances: But that’s not a problem? I’m being unfairly attacked because you’re all still upset I decided to take another job. That’s fair, I get it, but let’s be honest.
Beverly: To be honest, all I really care about at the moment is getting an episode filmed to send to Dana. I don’t want to be yelled at by her, and it’s not as if she has any reason to cut us any slack now.
Frances: What a marvelous idea!
Later that night…
Frances: I’m so glad you guys invited me over for dinner tonight. I know I cook for a living, but I still really enjoy not having to come home and whip something up.
Jimmy: We owe you this much, after all the times you’ve cooked for us.
Louise: Jimmy made me invite you. I just wanted to have Lauren over.
Frances: You always know just how to tug at the heartstrings, Louise.
Louise: I can’t say I ever try.
Frances: The food’s great, though. Who made it?
Louise: Uh… P.F. Chang.
Frances: Oh, okay.
Louise: Did you think Jimmy or I took up Asian cooking?
Frances: It’s a wonderful type of cooking, they have such a rich food culture in China and all the Asian countries. I’ve done several episodes of Frances in the Kitchen about Asian cuisine.
Louise: I don’t watch your show.
Jimmy: I do, obviously. I’m a very supportive brother!
Louise: Honey, you don’t have to kiss her ass so much. You’re already in the will.
Frances: What will?
Louise: You don’t have a will? Do you think you’re invincible or something?
Frances: I’ll get around to it one of these days.
Louise: I’d hurry up if I were you. Not getting any younger.
Frances: Same for you, no? You’re older than me.
Louise: I have a will. And, no. I’m not older than you.
Frances: I know it’s difficult to accept reality, but it’s critical that we all do.
Jimmy: Oh, look who’s finally arrived!
Lauren: I’m so sorry I’m late. I really, well, you’ll find out.
Louise: Is something the matter? You look frazzled!
Frances: Why’d you miss work today? DeAnna kept bugging me about it, she was insinuating I knew where you were. I didn’t. I still don’t know where you were, could we change that?
Lauren: Gosh, it’s a long story. Let me sit down and take my shoes off first.
Louise: Is everything all right?
Jimmy: This is a safe space.
Lauren: I’m fine, it was just a long day.
Frances: Look, I’m not ever suggesting someone talk to DeAnna. Seeing as she’s your boss, though, you probably should’ve picked up at least one of her calls, or called her back. Not because I care about DeAnna, but I don’t need her bugging me.
Lauren: I’m sorry about that. I didn’t have my phone on me.
Louise: You?
Lauren: Yeah, I know. Hard to believe.
Jimmy: Honey, sit down and eat.
Frances: Yeah, your parents made a great home-cooked meal!
Jimmy: It’s takeout. You know how little time we have for cooking after work.
Lauren: Heck, after today, I’m just happy to get any food at all. The one thing I missed about DeAnna was having constant access to quality food. Today, I had a Pop-Tart for lunch! Just one!
Frances: Where were you, exactly?
Lauren: All right, what’s my lifetime dream? The one thing I have always wanted?
Louise: Justin Timberlake.
Lauren: Besides him.
Jimmy: Um… to be a Disney Princess.
Lauren: No, that was when I was four. I’m a bit too old for that now.
Frances: You want to be an actress.
Lauren: Yes! And I’m concerned my parents both missed that.
Jimmy: Look, we lead very busy lives. We have so much floating around in our heads from work.
Louise: Also, we’re old.
Frances: Really? You were just implying to me that you’re youthful!
Louise: Compared to you, yes!
Lauren: Aunt Frances, I think that’s unfair. You have a very youthful, almost child-like demeanor.
Louise: That’s one way to put it.
Jimmy: So what’s this about acting?
Lauren: I saw a flyer on the set a few weeks ago for auditions for a new pilot. It’s a sitcom, it’s starring Howard Gribble.
Louise: Oh, I love him!
Lauren: He’s a comedy legend! He’s got an Emmy, he’s an A-lister, he’s the biggest name in TV. And he’s coming back to TV after almost ten years in movies.
Frances: Yeah, because none of ‘em have done well.
Lauren: No need to be so negative about my potential co-star.
Jimmy: What do you mean by that, honey?
Lauren: I submitted a tape and the producers invited me to come and audition for a role in his new sitcom. It’s a pilot, but this is Howard Gribble we’re talking about - it’ll be picked up!
Louise: Are you talking like extra, or guest star, or a co-star sorta thing?
Lauren: I would be playing his daughter, it’s a series regular role. They seemed so receptive to me during the audition.
Jimmy: That’s great!
Frances: And, you know, even if you don’t get it, it’s great to get your feet wet like this. Impress some casting directors, get yourself seen. People might remember you and have you audition for their future projects. If you’re serious about acting, this is a great start.
Jimmy: She’s gonna get the role! She’s great!
Louise: She’s never acted before. Not professionally, anyway.
Lauren: I know it’s a long-shot, but they said they’d keep me in mind, they said I might even get do a chemistry read!
Frances: I take it this was a lengthy process, then. And you weren’t about to let DeAnna get in your head.
Lauren: I wasn’t even allowed to take my phone in. And I was just so nervous about this pilot, I forgot to even tell her I was auditioning today.
Frances: I wouldn’t recommend telling her at all. She’s a vindictive viper.
Louise: Please, you need to lay off her. She’s always been very polite to me.
Frances: No, she hasn’t been!
Louise: Yeah, but she gave my daughter a job, and that’s what really matters.
Lauren: She’s been. Pretty good boss. I know your history with her, but she’s pretty fair. I don’t want her to think I’m sneaking around behind her back.
Frances: It’s your choice. You might not get that job, though, and you don’t need her going off the deep end over something that might not even matter in the end.
Jimmy: She’s getting the job!
Frances: I’d like to think so, too. I think she’ll have a great career. But if she doesn’t… DeAnna doesn’t take kindly to disloyalty.
Jimmy: Does she take kindly to anything?
Frances: No, not really.
One week later…
Lauren: Aunt Frances, I have the best news!
Frances: Did one of my enemies die?
Lauren: What? No. I got the job on the new Howard Gribble sitcom!
Frances: That’s amazing! I always knew you had the talent to be successful, I’m very happy to finally see it being put to good use.
Lauren: We’re gonna be on rival networks in the winter!
Frances: Wow, I didn’t even think of that! That’s crazy!
Lauren: I don’t know how to tell DeAnna I’m leaving, though.
Frances: “DeAnna, screw off. Goodbye.”
Lauren: She really seems to like me.
Frances: Only because she knows it pains me.
Lauren: What?
Frances: I don’t love that you work for my arch-nemesis.
Lauren: You’re not a comic book villain. She’s just a lady you dislike.
Frances: Thank you for keeping me grounded.
Lauren: So, how should I actually tell her?
Frances: The pilot’s not picked up yet, is it?
Lauren: No, we won’t know for a while yet.
Frances: Pilots fail sometimes…
Lauren: Are you suggesting I hide this from her, too?
Frances: Yes!
Lauren: That feels ill-advised.
Frances: It’s your decision.
Lauren: You said that last time, and I listened to you, and I felt guilty.
Frances: Listen to your heart this time.
The next day…
DeAnna: Conner!
Frances: Oh boy.
Marcia: Someone get me vodka.
Jane: You can’t drink on the job!
Marcia: What job?
Jane: The one you’re working on now!
Marcia: It was a joke, dingbat.
Beverly: Dingbat?
Marcia: They’re running All in the Family right now when I go to bed. Damn good show.
DeAnna: My assistant, the only good one I’ve ever had, is leaving me! I know you talked her into this!
Frances: I didn’t talk her into anything!
DeAnna: She just decided to become an actress?
Frances: It was her lifetime dream. I tried to talk her out of it many times, believe me. She pursued it, and it’s going well so far, I guess.
DeAnna: Things are changing too much around here for my liking. My assistant is leaving, my arch-nemesis is leaving… all I’m going to have is Essie!
Essie: Did someone say my name?
DeAnna: Go away!
Frances: Are you actually implying you’re gonna miss me?
DeAnna: I’ll miss yelling at you.
Frances: Same her.
DeAnna: While we’re at it… you don’t need an assistant anymore. Jane, wanna come work for me?
Jane: I’m not going anywhere!
DeAnna: But the show -
Jane: I’m not going anywhere!
Frances: We’ve had a lot of trouble trying to get through to her on this one.
DeAnna: That’s certainly hard to believe, she’s so wise.
Frances: Hey, she might be an idiot, but she’s my idiot, and she always will be!
Jane: That’s so sweet!
Marcia: Is it?
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
