Annie: Hey mom, get dad and Trixie on the phone, I have good news to share.
Stella: I think I know what it is!
Annie: I’m sure you do. Now, just get them. I want you all to hear it together.
Stella: Guys, Annie has news! Get in here now, or she’ll tell me alone and I’ll hold it over your heads.
Annie: Have you always been this emotionally manipulative?
Stella: I’m always honing my craft.
Vince: All right, what’s going on?
Trixie: This better be good, I’ve had a crappy day.
Stella: They’re here.
Annie: I wanted to tell you myself that I have officially made the opening day roster of the Colorado Cougars. I’m officially a WBL player!
Stella: Congratulations, kiddo! We always knew you could do it!
Trixie: This feels like very obvious news, no? You were the number one pick in the draft, it would be disastrous for them to cut you before you’ve played a game. I was expecting something more exciting.
Vince: There’s no need to cut down your sister’s accomplishment.
Trixie: I’m not trying to do that, I’m just saying… we all could’ve guessed this is where this was headed.
Annie: Our first game is in Philadelphia, I wanted to invite you guys to come, and bring the family, so you can all see my first game in person.
Stella: You think we weren’t gonna come see your first game in person regardless? It’s great it’s in Philly, but we’d fly to Alaska to see you.
Trixie: Mamaw might not, but we would.
Annie: So I’ll see you all on Saturday?
Vince: Of course, dear. We wouldn’t miss it for the world!
Annie: I just hope I don’t let anyone down. It feels like my whole life’s been leading up to this moment. It’s hard to believe it’s actually here.
Stella: You’re gonna do great, because you are great.
Annie: That’s what I told myself when I‘d doubt myself in college, but this is a whole new beast. This is the big leagues. What if I’m not ready?
Stella: You are ready. It’s the big leagues that might not be ready for you.
Two days later, in practice…
Sheryl: Ladies, this is our last practice session before we fly out to Philadelphia for Saturday’s game. If you’re here, it’s for a reason. You all have the talent, the attitude, and the athleticism to have earned one of the twelve spots on this roster. Nothing was handed to you - you fought for it. That’s exactly what I want to see on Saturday - fight. Fight not for yourself, but for your team. No selfish basketball, just twelve women working together as one team, for one common goal. It ain’t gonna be perfect, but we’ve got a lot to prove, and we’re gonna work to prove it together. We either succeed as a team, or we go down in flames as a team. There is no I in team, and I know that’s an overused, tired adage, but it’s true. So let’s all give our best for each other, and let’s make this a season to remember. I believe in you, there are so many people across Colorado and the country who believe in you, please believe in each other. I can’t promise you victory, I can’t promise you a title and a trophy, but I can promise that trust in each other is the best route to take for real success.
Fiona: I have a question.
Sheryl: Go ahead, Haas.
Fiona: Will I actually be playing in this game, or will I just be warming the bench? I’d be fine with sitting on the bench, I don’t know if I’m ready for all this yet.
Sheryl: You’re ready, and you’re going to make sure today that you feel ready. Because I know you are, and I need you to believe it.
Debra: Is she ready, though? Carter’s ready. Billings was ready. Haas… I don’t know. She’s still scared to speak.
Carmen: She was the first to ask a question today!
Debra: Yes, and that question made me very sad and concerned.
Fiona: I just, um, you know… I feel so under qualified compared to the rest of you.
Melissa: There’s no such thing as qualified - we’re basketball players, not members of the cabinet!
Debra: Well, there aren’t really qualifications for that anymore, either.
Melissa: Just go out there, and when coach puts you in the game, use the skills you have to help the team. You’re a great defender, what with how freakishly large you are and all.
Fiona: I don’t think I’m that tall.
Aubrey: I’m the center and you’re six inches taller than me.
Fiona: I’m not freakishly tall.
Debra: You’re 6’7”, lady!
Annie: Six-seven!
Debra: What was that?
Sheryl: I think she’s just releasing a bit of stress. She’s got a lot on her plate.
Aubrey: It’s a meme on TikTok. Past its prime, but that’s okay. Annie’s got the talent to make us tolerate the cringe.
Annie: Are we not doing six-seven anymore? I haven’t been on TikTok since the college season started, coach DuGarde doesn’t like her players wasting time on social media.
Sheryl: Maybe I should consider that rule. Some of us here could clearly benefit from it… say, Hoover?
Melissa: What? Did I do something wrong?
Sheryl: You’re taking selfies.
Melissa: For Instagram!
Sheryl: Yeah. Okay, phones away, let’s get practicing. We’re gonna start with the traditional half-court shot contest, because I’m not a dictator, and I like fun.
Celia: First person to land the shot gets a hundred bucks, who wants to go first?
Melissa: Oh my god, I do.
Debra: Come on, let the rooks go first, they’re getting paid less than you.
Kamala: It’s crazy that a once-in-a-generation player like AC is getting paid less than the woman we bring off the bench to intimidate the players on other teams from going after our star players like AC.
Melissa: Look, I get the job done.
Aubrey: If the job is leading the league in technical fouls… well, you still don’t do that, because that’s DA’s specialty.
Debra: Fifteen years straight, I’m very proud of that fact.
Sheryl: You shouldn’t be
Debra: You say that as if you don’t go out of your way to try to get techs sometimes.
Sheryl: I’m the coach, it’s my job to do that when the officiating is garbage.
Debra: Well, that’s why I do it!
Sheryl: You’re on the court to play, not to be assistant coach. You know what happens when our best player gets ejected for fighting with the ref or doing some dumb shit with another player?
Debra: Giving Naya Komolafe a little smooch after some trash-talking was not dumb, it got in her head and made her play terrible.
Melissa: That shit was hilarious!
Sheryl: Debra, we lost that game because you still got ejected for the last eight minutes of the game and we were left without a shooting guard.
Debra: Yeah, but me and Naya had a pretty good laugh about it.
Carmen: It’s “Naya and I.”
Debra: Okay, Miss USC. We don’t talk so good at UNH. Kill me.
Celia: So who is going first in the half-court contest?
Sheryl: I’m gonna be honest, I forgot we still had to do that. These girls run me ragged.
Annie: We’ll try our best to keep it up, coach.
Sheryl: Thank you, Carter.
Melissa: I’m taking the first half-court shot. I need that hundred bucks.
Kamala: This league really needs to pay us more if we’re this desperate for a hundred bucks.
Melissa: Okay, here I go!
Melissa throws the basketball and is way off, hitting the wall and bouncing back towards the players.
Sheryl: Duck!
Debra: Ah! Swing and a miss!
Melissa: That was a practice shot! I get another try. Right, coach?
Sheryl: I’m not getting involved in this.
Celia: Melissa, you’re done. Sorry.
Melissa: Damn the woke agenda!
Sheryl: Did you just say that in a women’s basketball practice gym in Colorado?
Melissa: It was clearly a joke.
Debra: Don’t worry, she’s only been here a year, it takes a few years for people to catch our wokeness.
Celia: Who’s next? Annie?
Annie: I’ll give it a try, why not?
Celia: Don’t tell the others, but I’m rooting for you.
Debra: Granny, just ‘cause you can’t hear someone speaking at a normal volume doesn’t mean we can’t hear you.
Carmen: Andreesi calling someone else old? That’s unusual.
Fiona: Yeah, ‘cause Debra’s, like, ancient.
Debra: Watch your step, Haas.
Fiona: Sorry, Debra.
Debra: Damn right you’re sorry.
Annie: All right, here I go.
Annie nails her half-court show.
Debra: Oh my god, of course she’s even good at making lucky half-court shows.
Sheryl: Please just don’t go trying to shoot from half-court during games. I know you can do it, but maybe that’s a risk we don’t have to take when we have twenty-two seconds left on the clock.
Debra: On the other hand, it would save me a lot of running.
Aubrey: DA, if you can’t even run across the court anymore, it might be time to hang it up.
Debra: It was a joke, Billings!
Sheryl: All right, we should probably get to actual work here. This is a big game, we have to be ready for it.
Aubrey: Aren’t they all technically big games, coach?
Sheryl: This is the one that all the eyes will be on, people will draw conclusions from it, it’s going to start narratives. We have to show people the strength of this team, and show that everyone who doubted this program was wrong. They wrote us off too soon, we are not just a team to watch, we are the team to watch!
Debra: Coach, you’re talking like your job’s on the line here.
Celia: That’s because it is.
Sheryl: It’s so nice to have a GM that has such respect for me and really shows it so openly and freely to the team.
Celia: I brought you onto this team, I can take you off of it. Don’t ever forget that!
Sheryl: All right then.
Later that day…
Whitney: How was practice, dear?
Debra: I gotta go, Whit. We’re flying to Philly right now.
Whitney: That’s today?
Debra: Game’s Sunday. Sheryl wants a whole day of practice tomorrow without the stress of traveling. She’s old, you know, three and a half hours on a plane takes a lot out of her.
Whitney: At least you’re traveling on private planes now.
Debra: Thank god. I remember having to sit between random strangers who thought I was just a super-tall lesbian.
Whitney: I mean… is that an unfair description?
Debra: I’m also a pro basketball player on top of it, but you’d never know that from me flying in coach. It was so embarrassing.
Whitney: It’s in the past. You’re pampered now.
Debra: When are you and the kids going to start flying with us to away games?
Whitney: Soon… once the kids are out of school. You won’t be away too long, I think you can manage.
Debra: But can you?
Whitney: Yes. I only have two children to take care of instead of three!
Debra: I think that was a low blow.
Whitney: But was it inaccurate? I don’t think so.
Debra: Well, I’ve gotta get going. Even though you give me hell, I do love you. I’ll call when we land.
Whitney: Good luck, babe.
Debra: Please don’t say that around the kids. Chappell Roan is basically Krampus to them at this point. She points at them, she sends her security guard, she makes the little children cry and regret their life choices.
Whitney: Hey, it’s good to teach the kids disappointment early, no?
The next day…
Annie: Guys, we have some very special visitors. My parents and my sister are here from Allentown, and my mamaw Helen, who’s here from Kutztown.
Helen: Do you guys know what it takes to get me to Philadelphia? Only the WBL debut of my favorite granddaughter could get me here!
Trixie: Favorite?
Helen: Yes. There were signs before, no?
Sheryl: Well, it’s fantastic to get to meet you two again. You’re raised a wonderful and incredibly talented daughter. Carter - or, Annie - she’s really been a great addition to the team, and we’re going to do great things together.
Stella: I’ve heard only good things about you, coach Wilson. And thanks for having us here.
Debra: So this is the family I keep hearing about, huh? Nice to meet you guys. I know we’re playing your hometown team, I’m sorry for all the things I’ll be yelling at the players tomorrow.
Vince: Don’t worry, we’re full-time Cougars fans now.
Stella: It’s hard to turn your back on tradition, but don’t worry, we’ll be rooting hard against the Liberty Belles tomorrow.
Melissa: You don’t need to stress too much, we’re definitely not going to win. Just enjoy the game!
Sheryl: What does that mean, Hoover? We can’t win if we’ve accepted loss before the game’s begun!
Melissa: Have you seen that team?
Sheryl: Ours is just as talented!
Tara: Coach, I appreciate your delusion. I really respect you for saying it out loud, even if you knew you’d get laughed at for it.
Sheryl It’s not delusion, though.
Annie: I think we have a shot. Celia put a great roster together -
Celia: Thank you! People never give me the proper credit.
Annie: Not to mention, we have the best coach in the league.
Sheryl: You’re too kind.
Helen: Whose child is this, and why are they grabbing onto my leg?
Melissa: That’s DeLuca’s little girl, Nora.
Carrie Ann DeLuca: I’m so sorry. We try to keep her in line, she’s a handful.
Helen: Do you not have nannies?
Melissa: On our salaries? My god, it’s a miracle any of us can even afford to raise kids.
Helen: I’ll watch her.
Annie: Mamaw, you don’t have to -
Helen: I want you all to win tomorrow, we don’t need anyone distracted in practice. Let me watch the kiddo while we observe your practice.
Carrie Ann: That’s very kind of you.
Helen: And, if we get bored and ended to leave, maybe we can go for ice cream.
Stella: Mom, your doctor said -
Helen: I’m old, I don’t care what the doctor said!
Aubrey: But are you as old as Debra?
Debra: Billings, I could -
Aubrey: Kidding!
Annie: Deb loves dishing it out, we gotta teach her to take it.
Sheryl: Not gonna happen! I’ve known her sixteen years, and acts tough, but that’s a facade. She hates when people give her a taste off her own medicine.
Debra: Well, be real. Who likes being disrespected and harassed?
Carmen: You seem to think all of us do?
Debra: No, I just don’t care if you do.
Sheryl: All right, we gotta get back to practice.
The next day…
Sheryl: Ladies, it’s time. First game of the season, you are going to give it your all. I know you have it in you to win this. Yes, we’re up against the reigning MVP. Yes, this team went to the semifinals last season. Yes, they’re good -
Debra: Is this a pep talk or did you bet money on the Belles and you’re trying to psych us out?
Fiona: I’m frightened.
Melissa: Well, it is a day ending in Y.
Sheryl: Starting lineup is set - Carter at the 1, DA at the 2, Kessler at the 3, Foley at the 4, Billings at the 5. Hoover, Hale, Lightlinger, Haas, London, DeLuca, Montclair… you’re coming off the bench. That doesn’t mean you’re not getting plenty of time today, I know you’ll give us a great spark off the bench. All right, 1…2…3….
All: Go Cougars!
A few minutes later…
George: Welcome to XFinity Mobile Arena here in Philadelphia, as we continue WBL kickoff weekend. I’m Gerge Katz along with the legend herself, Marcia Derringer
Marcia: And we’ve got a great one for you today, folks. We saw her in preseason, she spoke with our own Hailey Robinson about getting acquainted with her new team, but this is the first look we’re getting at the most hyped-up #1 Draft pick we’ve seen, Annie Carter, in action in the WBL.
George: She was a one-woman machine at Lehigh, took a team that really has no history of great success in women’s basketball all the way to the championship game this year, and then she really shocked the world by announcing she was going to declare, saying she felt her journey at Lehigh had come to a natural conclusion.
Marcia: The Cougars are looking for her to help revive a stagnant program, they’re finally giving the future Hall of Famer, all-time great Debra Andreesi some help in the backcourt. The Cougars have really struggled in recent years, they were 10-30 last year.
George: Just take a look at Carter’s college stats this year - 29.8 points per game, 8.2 assists per game, 7.3 rebounds per game. She is a triple double machine, she’s one of the most decorated college players we’ve ever seen, even if that championship did elude her.
Marcia: And now it does look like the game’s kicking off, should be quite the contest between Carter and Andresi and the Cougars’ fiercest rivals, the Philadelphia Liberty Belles, led by reigning MVP Angela Watters.
Debra: You ready, Carter?
Annie: Oh, I’m ready.
Debra: I like that energy. We got this. All right, I’m getting in my position before the refs give me a tech.
Annie: I’m sure you’d like a tech before the season’s even officially begun.
Debra: Eh, it’s more fun to get it for something fun. Delay of game isn’t so fun.
George: And they’re off. Watters wins the tipoff for Philadelphia, passes it off to McClendon, who drives it in and gets the layup.
Marcia: That’s already a pretty poor defensive possession for Colorado. Carter and Andreesi both just got breezed by. Oh my goodness, and Carter’s just turned it over on the inbound and Watters quickly scores her first points of the season.
Sheryl: What the hell was that?
Carmen: Calm down, coach.
Sheryl: Did you not just see that?
Carmen: This is televised, coach.
Sheryl: Let me coach.
Carmen: Got it, coach.
George: And that’s an excellent pass from Carter to Foley, ah, and Foley misses the mid-range shot. Rebounded by Billings, who lays it up and in.
Sheryl: That’s the cohesion we need!
Rhonda: See, all good.
Sheryl: We just need to practice inbounding, apparently.
Marcia: Wow, Carter just got pushed to the deck, she wants a foul, the refs aren’t calling it and Philadelphia’s got five against four.
Sheryl: What the hell! You gotta call that!
George: Wow, the Liberty Belles can’t miss tonight, that’s a three-pointer for them.
Annie: Billings, take it!
Marcia: Carter with a pump fake, she passes it to Andreesi, but it’s stolen by McClendon for Philadelphia!
Marcia: That’s two turnovers for Carter already. In this case, she was trying to fake a pass to Billings to draw the defenders there, but Philly read her like a book and swarmed Andreesi and got the steal.
Ten minutes later, in a timeout…
Sheryl: Okay, it’s not that bad.
Annie: I haven’t scored.
Sheryl: I didn’t say it was good. Carter, I am putting you on the bench.
Annie: Oh god, I’m getting benched.
Sheryl: No, you just clearly need rest and time to reset your mind. We’ve got four minutes in this quarter, that’s enough time for you. Hoover, you’re playing point. Hale, you’re in for Andreesi.
Debra: You sure, coach?
Sheryl: We’re down twelve points midway through the first quarter, we need to shake this up. Billings, I’m moving you to power forward.
Aubrey: Okay!
Sheryl: I do not want to regret saying this… Haas, you’re in at center.
Fiona: You mean it?
Sheryl: I don’t joke during a game. All right, everyone knows what we’re doing… let’s go.
Kamala: Does that mean I’m staying in?
Sheryl: It does. Hale’s taking over for you at the start of the second. We need a bit of consistency.
Debra: I feel like this ends bad.
Annie: This is not really the homecoming I was hoping for.
Debra: I know you’re not used to losing… so that means we’re gonna turn it around. We’ve got thirty-four minutes, you’re gonna get better. You’re still fitting into a new system. That takes time! Some of these players have been here longer and they’ve sucked more than you today!
Alicia: Do you have to look at me when you say that?
Debra: Yes.
Aubrey: Annie, you’re doing great. It’s not all about scoring. You’re running the floor.
Annie: And it’s resulted in five points. One of which was from a free throw, so I had nothing to do with that.
Aubrey: You just need to be less hard on yourself.
Annie: Carmen just scored. She’s not even playing her position. She barely even makes layups in practice, her head gets caught in the net half the time.
Aubrey: She was only able to score because you’ve spent so much time hyping her up.
Annie: You don’t have to lie to me.
Debra: Yeah, at this point, Carter could fart and you’d tell her it smells like roses.
Sheryl: Yes! That’s how you do it, Haas!
Rhonda: Coach, she traveled first.
Sheryl: Dammit! Can we challenge that?
Keith: No, that was a travel.
Sheryl: Dammit!
Rhonda: Why are you so attached to this girl?
Sheryl: Look at her! She’s a giant! We refine her skills, she can be great. I need her to be great, especially to rub it in Lander’s face for trading her.
Beth Halford (Philadelphia Liberty Belles coach): Wilson, do you have to scream so much? I can’t even pay attention to the game!
Sheryl: It’s called strategy, Beth!
Beth: Well, I can see it’s working out for you.
Sheryl: They’re just slow to start, You’ll see.
A bit later…
Sheryl: Okay, we’re down 48-29 coming into halftime. Not great, guys.
Debra: At least Carter scored. Not as much as me, but she did score.
Sheryl: We can’t worry about who scores the most and whether someone scores at all. What we have to worry about is whether what we’re doing on the court is helping the team. And, DA, you did need shake the rust off a bit, you’re not quite in regular game shape, but you are getting there.
Debra: I’m the leading scorer!
Sheryl: I’m just being honest. I can tell you’re out of breath. And Carter, you’re still learning to fit in, but you’re learning fast. A lot of the passes have been great, they don’t always result in scoring, because we’re missing layups. We have to work on layups, Foley.
Alicia: I know.
Annie: I’m just not used to struggling so badly. It really is a different game.
Sheryl: It is! And that’s fine. I’m not gonna tell you we’re in great shape to win this game, and that sucks. But we have to keep our heads up, we have to keep fighting, and we have to put in the work to improve. We have to take smarter shots, we have to take better care of that basketball, and we have to worry more about connecting with each other than taunting the other team.
Debra: Sorry.
Roseanne: Also, we’d love to see any defense at all. Really. Don’t foul, but do at least try to block some shots, guard the other team, normal basketball stuff. They’re being so much rougher on you than you are on them. They can sense the nerves.
Sheryl: Yes! Exactly! Don’t let them smell fear.
Melissa: I can’t help that I sweat when I’m playing really bad basketball. My body just does that.
Sheryl: Okay, um, too much information. Drink up, get ready, we’re getting back in this game.
Later that day…
Sheryl: Okay, that was bad! We’re on to Myrtle Beach in two days, we have a chance to prove ourselves. This was a game of growing pains.
Debra: Can we return Haas to them while we’re there?
Fiona: No thank you, please.
Sheryl: Good game today, Haas. No points, but some great defensive efforts.
A bit later, Debra walks back into the locker room after her post-game press conference and notices Annie is still there.
Debra: Okay, kid. No. No pity party. You gotta get back up.
Annie: I’m just not used to sucking
Debra: Fourteen points, three rebounds, five assists. Not your best day… but that’s better than a lot of peoples’ best days. It’s up from there! We played one of the toughest matchups we’ll face, and it was a blowout, and I’m sure people are disappointed. Still, it’s one game. This is a race, not a sprint. We have plenty of time top prove ourselves, and show what this team is made of. I don’t need you beating yourself up because you weren’t Lehigh Carter. This is Colorado Carter now, and she’ll have good days and bad days. You won’t always look superhuman. I still believe in you.
Aubrey: What’s going on in here?
Debra: Carter needs a pick-me-up.
Aubrey: I was worried about you after you skipped the post-game press.
Annie: It was just too much. I know I’m disappointed in myself, I know a lot of other people are, too. I didn’t need to face that right now.
Aubrey: Look, my first game last year was a disaster, too. And so were many other games after that. Don’t take it so hard. It’s not on you. We all struggled as a team.
Debra: Exactly. You didn’t suck. We all sucked… together.
Annie: That actually does make me feel better.
Debra: Good, now I need that demon inside you to wake up and destroy the Loggerheads on Monday. That will put you in a better mood.
Annie: Yeah, I do like to win.
Debra: Well, I can’t promise we’ll do much of that this season. But we’re gonna have a lot of fun along the way. We’re a pretty fun crew once you get to know us - way more fun than all those losers on the winning teams like Philly or New York or Virginia.
What did you think of this episode of Foul Play? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
