Marietta: How ya feeling, Henrietta?
Henrietta: Fat and alone, how about you?
Tammy: Come on, you’re not that fat yet! You’re barely showing! If I find’t know any better, I’d think you just had a very large breakfast before you came into work.
Henrietta: Look how bloated I am.
Amy: You want to see bloated? You should see my feet after a day at work. I retain water like a sponge.
Tammy: You should see a doctor about that.
Amy: I’m fine. My doctor says it’s fine.
Tammy: Who is your doctor, Dr. Kevorkian?
Marietta: I won’t lie, Henrietta. I was hoping you were a bit less down today. It does hurt to see you looking so… you know.
Henrietta: Depressed?
Marietta: Yeah, I guess that sums it up.
Henrietta: I told my husband that I’m pregnant and that I wanted to separate at the same time. That’s depressing.
Marietta: You’re making the choices you need to for the betterment of your life. That’s something to be happy about!
Tammy: I mean, you cried a lot when you got divorced.
Marietta: We didn’t need to bring that up now, did we Tammy?
Tammy: Sometimes I say dumb things that I should not. You have to know this by now.
Amy: All right, we have an agenda to get to today. Lots on the schedule, we’re very busy.
Marietta: With what?
Amy: Come on, you know! We’re going to that park reopening, and then you’re going to speak at that all-girls’ Catholic school, then we have to meet with the construction union that’s threatening to strike, and we also have a meeting about the new sports arena. Oh, and the city council is also meeting.
Marietta: God, and you want to make this your life for another eight years?
Amy: I live for this!
Marietta: That makes me even sadder than Henrietta’s problems.
Henrietta: Thank god someone here has a sadder life than I do.
Amy: I have a very fulfilling life!
Marietta: Anyway, I think we need to spice things up a bit. I know we’re very focused on girl power right now, and that’s great. However… we need a new project. I was up late last night, laying on the couch watching Undercover Boss -
Tammy: That took an insane turn.
Amy: I’m scared to learn how this has and relevancy to our work.
Marietta: Look, I work tirelessly on behalf of this city. It’s the city I was born and raised in, it’s the city I love. But I was always privileged. I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I’ve never known what it’s like to struggle, or live paycheck-to-paycheck, or be just any average person living in this city. I think the best way for me to serve the people who need our help the most is to get to their level.
Amy: I don’t know what that means.
Tammy: Are you implying you’re going to give all your money away and go be poor?
Marietta: No! I’m saying I’m going to go undercover and try to see what average New Orleanians want from their government.
Amy: Couldn’t we just ask them?
Marietta: What do you mean?
Amy: I don’t know, make a website or something?
Marietta: People fool around on those. They troll us. I want candid conversations with real people. I want to help people improve their lives. I want to make a government for the people.
Henrietta: You waited until the seventh year of your term for that?
Marietta: I’d never seen Undercover Boss before. Revolutionary stuff, guys. It’s on Hulu!
Tammy: Is that show even on anymore?
Amy: No.
Marietta: It can still inspire great things! Trust me, this is something I need to do.
Tammy: I still think this is weird, but if you think it can help you do your job, then fine.
Amy: I don’t think the city council will love this. How will we explain your absence from the office?
Marietta: I’ll be here as much as I can be. I’m going to go work at a grocery store. My name will be Helene.
Tammy: You’ve thought of everything!
Marietta: That’s because I believe in this plan. I think I can learn a lot about the wonderful people who live in this city because of this.
Henrietta: You know what? It’ll be a nice change of pace for you. I’m all for it. At least one of us will be having some fun.
Tammy: I’m just wondering how you’re gonna disguise yourself.
Marietta: Prosthetics and a wig and makeup. I’m going to find someone who’ll help me disguise myself, a makeup and prosthetic artist. I did the research and found someone who makes a lot of costumes for Mardi Gras and Halloween and their work is really impressive. I think it’s going to be fantastic.
Tammy: You really have this entire dumb plan figured out, don’t you?
Marietta: I sure do!
Tammy: Well, you’re the boss.
Later that night…
Patty Lynn: What do you mean you’re not going to be around much for the next few weeks? Are you being taken prisoner? Are you in danger?
Kathleen: My god, you’re a nutcase.
Patty Lynn: I am not! Any good mother would be worried about her daughter when she tells her she’s going away and can’t tell her where!
Marietta: That’s not exactly what I said.
Patty Lynn: Well, that’s how I interpreted it!
Marietta: I have a work obligation that will require my attention in the evenings. It’s nothing to worry about, I just wanted you to know I won’t be stopping in for dinner. We can still talk on the phone, I’m not in any danger.
Patty Lynn: This is unusual.
Kathleen: Patty Lynn, she’s sixty years old. You have to stop treating her like a child.
Patty Lynn: She’s my child.
Kathleen: Good lord.
Patty Lynn: The lord agrees with me, surely.
Marietta: Okay, maybe let’s just move on to dinner. I promise, this will all make sense in time. It’s for the good of New Orleans.
Patty Lynn: But is it for the good of me?
Kathleen: Do you not want what’s best for New Orleans?
Patty Lynn: I want what’s best for me. I’m old, who knows how much time I have left?
Marietta: Oh god, not this again.
Patty Lynn: I’m a widow!
Marietta: Why is she like this?
Kathleen: The world may never know.
The next day…
Marietta: Ladies, meet Ernest Haguefort, New Orleans’ premiere makeup and prosthetic artist.
Henrietta: Did you work on American Horror Story: Coven?
Ernest: I wish!
Henrietta: Well, then you’re not the premiere makeup and prosthetic artist in this city. Because whoever did that is easily number one.
Marietta: I apologize for her rudeness, she’s going through a lot… hormones.
Ernest: It’s fine, I agree with her.=
Henrietta: See?
Marietta: Anyway, Ernest has some pieces he’d like to show us.
Ernest: I’m very much willing to put some time into designing them, since this was just what I came up with on short notice, but I do think it’ll make a good disguise. It’s subtle enough that you still look like a real person, but different enough from your actual face that you won’t easily be recognized.
Tammy: We could just put some glasses on her, it seemed to work for Clark Kent.
Marietta: That was a comic book, Tammy.
Tammy: A very good one.
Ernest: So these are the teeth, and this is a nose application, and this is a hairpiece. We’ll also put in contacts to change your eyes, and you are going to wear glasses. Those big red ones, like Sally Jessy Raphael wore.
Marietta: It’s a red wig, too. Are you trying to turn me into Sally Jessy Raphael?
Amy: Look, people trusted Sally. They spilled their secrets to her. I get the vision.
Henrietta: I only know who that is because of the Addams Family movie.
Tammy: I’d slap you if you weren’t with child. Don’t ever make me feel old again!
Marietta: So that’s really all you need to put on me to totally alter my appearance?
Ernest: I think you’ll be surprised at how much of a difference these small changes will make. Shall I apply them so you can see?
Marietta: Yes, but let’s do it in my personal office. I want to show these there the finished product, so they can testify to just how jarring of a change it is.
Ernest: All right, let’s go ahead and do that.
One hour later…
Tammy: Okay this better be a huge change, it took a damn hour.
Amy: What are they doing in there, having Bible study?
Henrietta: These things take time. It took me an hour - you know what, I don’t want to talk about that.
Tammy: Memories from your marriage?
Amy: What marriage?
Tammy: Amy!
Amy: Sorry, that was a low blow.
Tammy: You think?
Marietta: Okay, introducing Helene DeBeneaux, cashier extraordinaire.
Tammy: Oh my god!
Amy: You are not a redhead.
Marietta: I think I look good.
Henrietta: It’s the teeth. The teeth are scary.
Tammy: She looks kinda like Wendy.
Amy: Wendy?
Tammy: From Wendy’s.
Amy: Ah, she does! She just needs some freckles.
Ernest: I could add those!
Marietta: No, please don’t.
Ernesto: Do you want me to take the hair out of the pigtails?
Marietta: I’d appreciate that.
Ernesto: Other than the striking resemblance to Wendy that even I didn’t recognize, are we happy with the makeover?
Marietta: Very much so!
Henrietta: I’ll be having nightmares about it.
Ernest: Just what I wanted to hear!
Five days later…
Tammy: All right, “Helene…” how was your first day?
Marietta: Awful.
Tammy: You’re not made for a nine-to-five.
Marietta: First, I worked one to seven.
Tammy: Close enough.
Marietta: It wasn’t even that it was hard work. It was just… people are not friendly.
Amy: Did you just learn that today?
Marietta: I didn’t realize it was so bad. You make a little small talk, people get mad at you. They gave me nothing!
Henrietta: What exactly were you saying to these people?
Marietta: I was just asking how their day was going, and then moving forward from there. I tried to veer towards asking about inconveniences in their day, I brought the government up direct try a few times. One guy called me - as in Marietta - a communist scumbag. I didn’t know how to react. I think I blacked out at that moment.
Tammy: So you got nothing helpful?
Amy: She knows Joe Schmoe from checkout line 6 hates her. Is that not helpful?
Tammy: I knew this would be a waste of time and resources.
Marietta: Oh, that was another thing. Some guy went on a rant about how we waste too much money, and somehow it involved “illegals” and “transgenders.” I could barely hold it in, but I think I did. I just told him to go home and watch RuPaul’s Drag Race, followed by the George Lopez show. I got reprimanded for that, because he complained to my boss.
Tammy: All this time we’ve spent on this and she’s gonna get herself fired for being unable to help herself. Surprise, surprise.
Marietta: I think today will yield better results. Yesterday was the first day, it was always going to have some bumps. I know how to approach the small talk now.
Tammy: You mean, you know not to do it at all?
Marietta: No! I just have to be gentler. I can’t come across as pushy. Someone left. My line to avoid me talking to them. That hurt.
Tammy: Why did you think this was going to work again?
Marietta: It always worked on Undercover Boss!
Tammy: That’s a TV show.
Marietta: A documentary TV show! It’s real life!
Henrietta: Marietta, if you believe in this, then I believe in it, too.
Marietta: Thank you! Finally, someone who isn’t a total downer!
The next day, at the grocery store…
Marietta: Next customer!
Milton: Just these things, please.
Marietta: Milton!
Milton: Yeah, that’s my name. Maybe you recognize me as - oh my god, Marietta?
Marietta: The name says Helene, does it not?
Milton: I know that voice anywhere. Why are you disguised as Sally Jessy Raphael at a grocery store?
Marietta: Why are you at a grocery store? Aren’t you supposed to be in DC?
Milton: It’s Easter break, which I think is a much better explanation for being her than you’ve given. What is this getup?
Marietta: I’m doing an undercover Boss.
Milton: Okay?
Marietta: I’m trying to see the real concerns and trouble of New Orleanians up close without them knowing who I am. I want to make a difference in this city.
Milton: Okay.
Marietta: You seem unconvinced.
Milton: It’s… unorthodox.
Marietta: I’m unorthodox.
Milton: You can say that again.
Marietta: I need to check you out, my boss is already on my ass for talking so much.
Milton: I’m sorry, this is just so odd.
Marietta: It’s yielding great results! I’ve learned about so many potholes that need to be filled, schools that are under-funded, and, uh… well, this particular store is always out of beignet-flavored ice cream, which I guess falls under my purview as well.
Milton: You had to get in this getup to learn that potholes exist?
Marietta: Look, this is day two. I’m going to uncover a lot more that needs to be fixed in this city until then, unless you get me fired.
Milton: I’ll be going, then.
Marietta: Thank you for shopping with us!
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
