The Cougars are at their home arena ahead of the last game of a three-game homestand.
Sheryl: All right, ladies. Look, I know it’s not been the greatest start to the season for us. We’re on our fifth game in nine days. I understand that we’re all tired, we’re all needing rest… we’re all on our way to Baltimore tonight because we have a back-to-back game already for one reason. We’re winless so far.
Carmen: It’s demoralizing.
Debra: Surely you’re used to it by now?
Carmen: We were supposed to be good now!
Sheryl: Imagine how Carter feels! She somehow gave Lehigh a season with only two losses overall. She comes here, she can’t get a single win! She’s not used to losing like we are! That came out bad.
Debra: We are bad.
Aubrey: We’re getting better. Still not winning, but better.
Annie: Look, I apologize for not sipping up like I should have -
Sheryl: Are you joking? You’ve been the leading scorer the last three games! You’re not gonna drop forty on every team every game like you did in college. You’re doing more than enough. We just need to come together as a team. That will come with time! Time is our most valuable tool! These other teams are going full speed ahead right out of the start, they’re gonna peak too early and lose their momentum. We’re gonna peak at just the right time.
Debra: Well, I’d certainly hope this isn’t our peak.
Melissa: We’re a mile in the air, we should have a pretty high peak. You know, theoretically.
Sheryl: The rise starts today.
Debra: Do you happen to be saying that because the team we face today is terrible?
Sherry: I will admit, it is the worst team we’ve faced so far, but no team’s ever a sure win! I just feel that we’ve begun really gelling as a team, and that work is finally going to show up today. We almost won the last game, against a very solid team.
Carmen: Coach, they barely made the playoffs last season. They beat out LA on a head-to-head record thanks to a two-point overtime win from the start of the season.
Sheryl: Which is why every game counts, so no better time for the dynasty to begin than today! You all need to stop being so down on yourselves. We have all the parts of a winning team. We just need them to gel. That’s happening, and we get better with every game.
Debra: We scored 57 points in the last game.
Sheryl: And held your opponent to 62. Defense wins championship!
Annie: I don’t want to rain on the parade here, coach, but the Country did have 62 points on 27% shooting. Can’t really give ourselves too much credit.
Sheryl: That was because you made their shots difficult for them!
Debra: Also because they were having a terrible night.
Keith: Okay, coach is trying to hype you up before a big game. Do you all have to be such negative Nancies?
Sheryl: Thank you, Keith.
Roseanne: No, they’re right. We can’t just settle for mediocrity. We can’t hope it gets better. Everyone, get your act together, and maybe play some defense!
Sheryl: Okay, let’s leave the berating to me. I’m the coach.
Roseanne: I’m sorry, but I’m just tired of losing. We drafted someone that’s supposed to be generational, and we still suck.
Sheryl: You’re my assistant coach. I need you to assist me, not contradict me in front of my team.
Debra: Yeah, I think you guys gotta work this out in private. I’m gonna go start shoot around, because we have a game in a little over an hour.
Fiona: I’m gonna go, too. I’m too scared of Debra not to just follow her lead.
Debra: You’re learning well!
Fiona: Thank you, Debra.
Sheryl: We’re all gonna. Go do shoot around, coach McKenzie and I are totally fine.
Roseanne: I apologize for undermining you, coach.
Sheryl: It’s fine. I coach a team that’s been roughly 10-30 for the better part of five years, I’m used to being undermined
One hour later…
Gerald Washington (Cougars play-by-play announcer): Welcome to the third and final game of this Colorado Cougars homestand, as the Cougars take on the San Francisco Fins in search of their first win of the season. As always, I’m Gerald Washington, joined by my colleague, Clarice DeBeau.
Clarice: It’s been a tough start to the Annie Carter era for the Cougars. They started out in Philadelphia with a blowout loss, fallowed by a road loss to Myrtle Beach and home losses to Seattle and Nashville. Annie Carter’s still getting used to her new team, but she is clearly getting more comfortable out there, and has been the Cougars’ leading scorer the last three games.
Gerald: Yes, Coach Wilson spoke to the press before the game and highlighted how much progress she feels her squad has made in their short time together, and she feels confident that their first win is coming.
Clarice: I feel it coming, too. They are looking a lot better together on the floor, they’ve looked cohesive in these home games.
Gerald: And let’s your look at the starting five… Colorado is starting Carter, Andreesi, Kessler, Foley and Billings, which is the lineup they’ve gone with the whole season so far. Kamala Kessler was questionable heading into this game after an apparent ankle injury. Coach Wilson said she’s gonna go out there and give it a try.
Clarice: And San Francisco is starting Markowitz, Fisher, Lurich, Hines, and Samburro-Decatto. Ellie Hines making her starting lineup debut after an injury sidelined typical starting power forward Mikayla Burgle.
George: And here’s tipoff… Billings takes it for Colorado.
Clarice: That’s the first jump ball she’s won this season, perhaps a good omen.
George: Billings passes the ball to Carter, who passes to Andreesi.
Clarice: Andreesi take a shot… and misses.
George: Rebounded by Billings, who drops it in. Colorado is on the board.
Clarice: Wow, a turnover by San Francisco on the inbound. Fisher is hounding Carter.
George: These two do have a history from college, Fisher’s now in her second season in the league, but they were always ultra-competitive. Carter won all of their matchups, however.
Clarice: Did Fisher just poke Carter in the eye?
Sheryl: Come on! You gotta call that!
Gregory Spitz (San Francisco Fins coach): No, you don’t! Incidental contact!
Sheryl: She poked her in the eye!
George: Carter for three… there you go!
Clarice: Quite a feat for someone who just got swiped in the eye.
Gregory: See, all that whining and it resulted in a three for you.
Sheryl: I don’t care, my players need to be protected and these refs are not -
George: not sure why the ref just blew the whistle and… wow, someone just got written up for a technical foul.
Clarice: It’s Sheryl Wilson!
George: They’re calling a tech for that?
Sheryl: Oh my god, this is bullshit! It’s not my fault you’re not protecting these players.
Referee: Stop, or I will have you ejected.
Rhonda: Coach, it’s all right.
Gregory: Yeah, you’re beating our asses so far.
Clarice: This is really unusual to see a coach written up for a technical foul this early, especially when the referees just allowed an obvious flagrant foul.
George: If this is any indication of how this game’s going to go, it could get ugly.
A bit later…
Sheryl: Carter, how’s your eye?
Annie: Not great, but the ice helped.
Sheryl: Good. I’d have gotten you out sooner if they’d called a foul, but I couldn’t waste a timeout so early into the game.
Annie: I got it, coach.
Sheryl: Anyway, we’re gonna shake the lineup up a little bit. Carter, Hoover, Hale, Foley, Haas.
Debra: Oh, you think grandma needs a break?
Sheryl: I think we need to not run two of our best players into the ground while we have a decent lead. Carter’s been on the bench for a bit, time to put her in and take you two out for now.
Tara: Thank you for taking me out. That was so stressful.
Debra: Do you even like basketball?
Tara: This team has broken me.
Melissa: Yeah, I can see that.
Carmen: They’ve been pretty rough on us this game. I see scratches and bruises on you guys.
Sheryl: The officials have decided to let the players get rough. I can’t complain about it too much, I’ve already gotten a tech and cost us a point.
Aubrey: That was total BS, by the way.
Sheryl: Thank you. It very much was. Now, get out there and play this game with some class and dignity. It’s the only way to win.
Debra: You sent Hoover out there for that?
Aubrey: You keep Debra on the roster, we can’t be too sanctimonious about class and dignity.
Debra: Hey!
Sheryl: Yeah, she’s got a point. I guess I’m just pissed at how chippy they’ve let this get in a
single quarter.
Keith: It’s a disgrace, coach.
Sheryl: You’re just sayin’ that ‘cause you know it’s what I want to hear.
Keith: Yes, coach.
Sheryl: Back to it, ladies!
Later in the game…
Clarice: All right, things are getting ugly.
George: Again.
Clarice: It certainly looks like Jenn Fisher just tripped Annie Carter.
Annie: What the hell, man?
Jenn: It was an accident!
Annie: Get away from me, man!
The referee blows the whistle, as Tiara Markowitz and Paula Lurich rush up to Annie. Tiara hits her in the side and Paula shoves her to the ground.
Melissa: Coach, let me in there.
Sheryl: No! Refs, come on! Do something, they’re beating the hell out of her! Do your jobs!
Keith: Coach, breather.
Sherry:
Carmen: Everyone, back the hell away from her!
Debra: Touch her again, I will kill you!
Jenn: She just threatened me!
Debra: You thugs just knocked her around like a rag doll!
Aubrey: You okay, Carter?
Annie: They knocked the wind out of me.
George: The refs seem to be talking about how exactly to handle this situation.
Clarice: I can not imagine a world in which at least Fisher and Lurich aren’t tossed. Markowitz could go, too.
George: With how these refs are calling it today, Wilson and Carter might be the ones ejected.
Five minutes later….
George: All right, the refs have made their calls. It’s gonna be a flagrant 1 on Fisher, a technical on Lurich, a technical on Markowitz, and a technical on… Andreesi? The officials rule that the Colorado technical cancels out one of the San Francisco technicals, so Colorado will be shooting one and will get the possession.
Clarice: That doesn’t make a lick of sense. What did Andreesi do?
George: The officials claim she threatened an opponent.
Clarice: Fisher chased an opponent around after she tripped her and she gets a flagrant 1? That should be a flagrant 2, she should be gone. Lurich should be gone. You don’t rush up on an opponent and shove them to the ground. I’m not even angry from a perspective of rooting on Colorado. I’m angry because this puts everyone in danger. When the officials let the teams play so rough, it encourages plays like we just saw. It’s their job to put a stop to it. That shouldn’t ever be allowed to escalate like that, but we saw them get away w with that eye poke and it was fair game from there.
George: Completely agree.
Later in the game…
George: All right, Sheryl Wilson is pulling her starters. Gregory Spitz is not. Lightlinger, Hoover, Hale, London, and Haas all checking in. Carter, Andreesi, Kessler, Foley, and Billings checking out. The Cougars seem on the verge of victory with two minutes left in the game, up 66-54.
Clarice: It’s been a banner night for Annie Carter. Despite all the incidents we’ve seen, she had a career-high 21 points, 3 steals, and 8 assists. Billings also had a season high in rebounds, while Andreesi contributed 16 points. Good night for the -
George: Oh my god, not again!
Sheryl: Hoover! What are you doing?
Melissa: Getting revenge!
Debra: Yes!
Sheryl: I’m gonna lose my job.
Later that night, in the locker room.
Sheryl: Ladies, I commend most of you on pulling through that game with grace. That was tough.
Melissa: It’s like the scouting report was just to beat Carter up.
Sheryl: Look, I talked with Spitz about that. I also had to apologize to him -
Debra: No!
Sheryl: for you taking a swing at Fisher.
Melissa: Bitch deserved it!
Sheryl: I don’t care if she did, we don’t do that.
Annie: Do I look bad?
Debra: You can barely open your left eye, you look like Mike Wazowski.
Annie: I think I need an ice bath.
Sheryl: Can you hold on until after the press conference?
Annie: I don’t really want to talk about… this.
Sheryl: I’ll pay the fine if you want to skip it.
Annie: Thank you, coach.
Sheryl: Any time.
The next day, in practice…
Celia: All right, yesterday was not good.
Sheryl: You think? Nobody is talking about how we won that game? I’ve had calls from so many media outlets asking for interviews about what Hoover did, and whether there’s some league-wide memo about hunting down Carter to try and take her out.
Annie: Really?
Sheryl: Yeah, deranged stuff is happening.
Debra: Love to see it!
Celia: On the plus side… Melissa, the internet loves you. Keep it up with that fiery personality.
Melissa: Thank you, Celia. I plan on it!
Sheryl: Don’t tell her that, Celia!
Celia: She’s a sensation now. You’ve got all the scolds calling her out, but they’re mum about the three-headed monster that tried to take Annie out of commission. IT’s all about how we foster a toxic environment.
Sheryl: So you want to make it worse?
Celia: I’m saying they’re hypocrites!
Sheryl: Well sure, it’s disgusting what they did to Annie. Look at that beautiful face of hers! It was once so innocent and full of light. She now looks like she was boxing Muhammad Ali.
Debra: Super relevant reference, coach. You gonna compare Melissa to OJ next?
Sheryl; The Great One is always relevant!
Debra: That was Wayne Gretzky.
Fiona: Ah, she got you, Debra! You admitted you’re old, too!
Debra: Don’t get bold with me, Haas!
Fiona: Sorry, Debra. Never again!
Debra: You got that right!
Melissa: Can I just be open here? I don’t plan on doing that again. I do plan on doing anything to defend my teammates. Fisher went after Annie with some dirty, underhanded tactics that the refs let her get away with. I wasn’t about to let her get away with it, too.
Sheryl: I love the team spirit. I really do. It’s great you want to protect Annie.
Annie: I can protect myself, by the way.
Melissa: With that eye?
Annie: I don’t think it looks that bad!
Carmen: You look like a corpse on Law & Order.
Sheryl: I just wish you expressed your loyalty in a way that didn’t get you a one-game suspension.
Melissa: I’ll try to use my brain and not my heart next time.
Sheryl: That would be great.
Debra: Wait, what brain?
Melissa: Get over here! You see how I can hit, get ready!
Debra: Coach!
Sheryl: I’m gonna let this one slide, actually.
What did you think of this episode of Foul Play? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode in Foul Play's new time slot, next Thursday!
