Marietta is in DC on a work trip and is at Kate’s house.
Marietta: Kate, I really appreciate you letting me stay in your guest room for a few days. The alternative was staying with Milton and… no thanks.
Kate: Don’t even mention it! I’m thrilled to have you here! God, this house is so empty an lonely by myself.
Marietta: Yeah, how are you doing since… you know?
Kate: I’m not great. I could be worse. I really do miss having companionship, but I’ll take being alone over sticking with someone who isn’t faithful to me.
Marietta: Heck, I opted to be alone and my husband wasn’t even cheating on me! Being alone is kinda fun.
Kate: Eh…
Marietta: In guess I’m a more solitary creature.
Kate: Which is ironic, considering you’re always joined at the hip by Tammy.
Tammy: Glad someone has finally acknowledged me on this fine morning.
Kate: You could’ve piped up yourself, you know.
Tammy: I try not to chime in and be distracting. It’s unbecoming.
Marietta: Ha! Good one!
Tammy: What does that mean?
Marietta: You’re always budding into other peoples’ conversations. Why would you have reservations about it now?
Tammy: You’re lucky it’s early in the morning and I’m not super energized yet.
Marietta: Okay, I think you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I’ll give you a pass. Kate, I believe you were discussing your mental state.
Kate: It’s gotten much better now that I have live entertainment!
Tammy: Our fights are not for anyone’s amusement.
Kate: You two are like the Odd Couple sometimes.
Marietta: That’s more Amy and Tammy. I usually get along with her, but I also don’t usually have to interact with her before breakfast.
Tammy: I will admit that I am a bit cranky before I get my morning coffee and bagel.
Marietta: You only eat a bagel for breakfast?
Tammy: I’m from New York! It’s a meal for us.
Kate: Unfortunately, I only have Walmart-brand everything bagels and a block of cream cheese.
Tammy: I’ll make do.
Kate: So, what did bring you guys to DC again?
Marietta: I’m testifying before congress with some other mayors. I think it’s a House thing, so you might not be aware of it.
Kate: Yeah, we usually don’t bother with that in the Senate. We’re too busy worrying about blocking all of the president’s judicial nominees, and his cabinet nominees, and his ambassadors… did you know we don’t currently have a US Ambassador to Australia?
Marietta: Oh my god, who will negotiate economic treaties with the kangaroos and scorpions?
Kate: It’s the most under-staffed administration in history. I’m proud to have had a major part in that.
Marietta: What do you guys actually do in the Senate these days?
Kate: Uh, bully moderate Republicans. Aimee Ferrera Donahue is basically the most powerful woman in America, entirely by accident.
Marietta: Well, she’s basically a Democrat now.
Kate: That didn’t happen overnight! That took work!
Marietta: So you just spend your day schmoozing centrist Republicans?
Kate: No! I also go to the White House sometimes to rub it in Delphy’s face that I’m derailing his entire agenda. The most fun part of any day.
Tammy: Boy, the position of majority leader sure has changed since I held it.
Kate: That’s what happens when you have a supermajority under a Republican president. Shit gets weird!
Tammy: Hold on, I’m getting a call. Ugh, it’s from Amy!
Kate: Go ahead and take it.
Marietta: I got a question for you, Kate. Is this the longest you’ve ever spent apart from Ellie?
Kate: We’re not always together! We’re just usually together when we call you or come see you because we’re all mutual friends.
Marietta: Suuuuuure.
Tammy picks up the phone.
Tammy: What’s going on? You know we’re very busy prepping for our appearance on the Hill.
Amy: I’d bet my life savings that you’re currently eating breakfast and catching up with Kate.
Tammy: Well, you’d lose your life savings then. Sucks for you!
Amy: Anyway, Tulane called. They want Marietta to deliver the commencement address at their graduation next month.
Tammy: I’m quite pleasantly surprised that you’re not calling with terrible news. You’re rarely the bearer of good news.
Amy: Do you need to give me a hard time all the time?
Tammy: Yes, it makes me happy.
Amy: Could you run the idea by Marietta and then get back to me with a yes or no? I don’t want to leave them hanging.
Tammy: I’ll get back to you soon.
Amy: Enjoy your trip to DC. Some of us would have very much enjoyed being invited.
Tammy: Someone has to run the office while we’re out! We couldn’t rely on the pregnant assistant!
Henrietta: I heard that!
Tammy: Amy, do you have me on speaker phone?
Amy: Yeah. Something wrong with that?
Tammy: What if I said something private?
Henrietta: Like mocking me?
Tammy: I didn’t mock you! I just think we all know that you have other things on your mind. You don’t need to take on all the responsibilities of running the office.
Henrietta: What responsibilities? Walking in, answering the phone when it rings, scheduling ribbon-cutting ceremonies? I think I could do that.
Amy: All right, we don’t need to be having this conversation now. I’ll let you go, make sure to ask Marietta about the commencement.
Tammy: Will do!
Tammy hangs up and returns to the table.
Marietta: So, what was that all about?
Tammy: Tulane wants you to deliver the commencement speech last their graduation this spring.
Marietta: Oh, wow! You know I love Tulane.
Tammy: Of course, your alma mater. I take it you’ll accept.
Marietta: I‘ve never been asked before!
Tammy: Yeah, you were! LSU asked you -
Marietta: That doesn’t count, I’d never accept an invitation from those animals!
Tammy: Still, it was an offer, and they made it.
Kate: I get how you feel. UNC made me a similar offer and I almost flipped a table. Still, for the sake of unity, I did agree to deliver the speech. I was booed the next time I returned to the campus of Duke. I significantly underperformed in the precincts containing Duke in my next election. Thankfully, they have forgiven me, just like I will one day forgive Cayden Boozer for overturning the ball in the closing seconds of the Elite Eight game against UConn.
Marietta: I’ll never forgive it, that broke my bracket.
Tammy: If you were picking Duke, you were sorely mistaken anyway.
Kate: You take that back!
Tammy: Did they win? No.
Kate: Get out of my house.
Tammy: Duke fans are the wooooooorst!
Kate: Look, I’m sorry Brown has been waiting forty years to even make the bracket, but that’s no reason to take it out on me.
Marietta: I’ve never understood why people get so hung up on college sports. I just root for the people that seem cool.
Kate: Did you not just say you turned down LSU because of their rivalry with Tulane?
Marietta: That’s different. It’s totally different when it’s my school that has the rivalry! I just dont’ understand the other rivalries.
Tammy: It’s true, she thinks LSU is the only evil team out there. She was rooting for UConn in the women’s tournament because, and I quote, “Azzi Fudd is a fun name to say.”
Marietta: It is!
Tammy: We’ll reach out to her and let her know. Maybe she’ll come play for the new New Orleans team.
Marietta: She’s been drafted by Dallas.
Tammy: She’ll be a free agent by the time we get our team!
Kate: Ladies, what does this have to do with commencement speeches?
Marietta: Look, when I think of college, I naturally think of college sports, and how awesome Tulane is. We went to the football playoffs this year!
Kate: Maybe let’s focus on that congressional hearing instead of Tulane.
Marietta: Damn, I forgot why we were here for a moment. I blame LSU.
A few days later, in Marietta’s office…
Amy: How excited are we about this commencement address? Going back to your alma mater, getting to advise the young minds heading out into the real world, it’s great.
Tammy: I’ve given multiple commencement speeches. Let me just say, do NOT crack any jokes about Bill Cosby.
Marietta: Why on earth would I do that?
Tammy: Well, it was 2014, it was fresh in all our minds.
Marietta: In a commencement speech?
Henrietta: Oh, I think that went viral!
Tammy: How would you know, you were like six!
Henrietta: I was twelve.
Tammy: Oh, that makes me feel so much better.
Marietta: Anyway, I’m not going to be making any jokes. I see this as an extension of our women’s empowerment initiative.
Amy: Oh, you’re gonna make it all about the women? Fox News will attack you and say you’re discriminating against men.
Marietta: I’m going to tell my own story, and highlight how I was in their position and followed my dreams and made them come true, and they need to as well.
Amy: Oh, so you’re making it about how inspirational you are?
Marietta: Are you trying to sabotage me?
Amy: I would never! I just want you to consider the angles your critics will take with this.
Marietta: I don’t think most people are going to be very concerned about a commencement speech. It’s not as if I’m addressing the UN.
Tammy: I don’t know, that player for the Chiefs had a lot of people talking,
Marietta: I don’t plan on telling the women in attendance that their purpose is to stay home and take care of their husbands and children.
Tammy: I’m just saying, maybe avoid making it too flashy.
Marietta: All right, no Cosby jokes, nothing topical. Anything else to keep in mind while I’m writing it?
Amy: Maybe let’s just keep it short. No one wants to sit around at their graduation while some random person rambles on and on because they think they’re so important.
Marietta: All right. We’ll keep it to one page.
Henrietta: I think it should be roughly tweet-length.
Marietta: I think you’re messing with your brain.
Later that night…
Marietta: Mom, I have exciting news!
Patty Lynn: You’re running for president again?
Marietta: That door’s closed.
Patty Lynn: Let’s open it again!
Kathleen: Lave her alone, Patty Lynn. She has a busy life, she doesn’t need you harassing her.
Patty Lynn: I just want her to know she has my full support.
Marietta: Well aware!
Patty Lynn: So what is the big news?
Marietta: You are looking at the 2026 commencement speaker at Tulane University’s graduation!
Patty Lynn: That’s amazing!
Kathleen: They must’ve been struggling for names this year.
Patty Lynn: They got the most important name of all!
Kathleen: Sure.
Marietta: I agree I’m not exactly the most impactful of speakers they could find, but I hope to give these graduates a memorable, inspirational speech worthy of highlighting their special day.
Kathleen: I don’t think anyone’s ever hoped to give a bad one.
Marietta: But no one else has ever had Tammy and Amy to help write their speeches!
Kathleen: Good god.
Patty Lynn: Am I able to attend to cheer you on?
Kathleen: It’s a graduation speech, she’s not getting drafted to the NFL.
Patty Lynn: But I think if any woman could, it’s her.
Kathleen: Marietta, the dementia symptoms are starting to show.
Marietta: I can see that. The NFL, really?
Patty Lynn: You can do anything you set your mind to!
Kathleen: We might need ton get her down to the senior center and find her a new man. She’s acting more insane about you two kids than ever before.
Patty Lynn: Is it a crime to love my children?
Kathleen: No, it’s just very concerning to think they both literally hung the moon.
Marietta: This is gonna be great material for my speech. If I can face adversity like this and still l become a senator and a mayor, then anyone can!
Kathleen: But if they’re Democrats, they might have to move to another state first.
One month later…
Amy: All right, it’s the big day.
Marietta: Why am I nervous?
Amy: Well, because Tammy’s gone above and beyond to make you nervous.
Tammy: I’ve just given her warnings on what could go wrong, you’re acting like I’m actively rooting for them to go wrong.
Amy: Putting the ideas in her head can mess with her and make it more likely that those things will go wrong.
Marietta: For what it’s worth, I do doubt I’ll get stung by a bee or struck by lightning during my speech, and I don’t think merely worrying about those things happening will cause them to actually happen.
Tammy: You never know! This is New Orleans, you could be part-witch!
Amy: Did we proofread the speech to make sure Tammy didn’t add any tasteless stereotypes?
Marietta: No, but we probably should have.
Tammy: I didn’t edit anything!
Amy: If you’re lying, I’m getting a voodoo doll.
Tammy: And you say I would add tasteless stereotypes!
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
