Gretchen: Just so we’re all clear, I am leaving for Salem on Friday and will be back on Tuesday.
Carol: We know, Gretchen. You’re told us hundreds of times. I know more about this trip than I know about any of my vacations, and I personally lived through those.
Sarita: You must be really excited for this.
Gretchen: Well, Christina gets to come, and that makes me happy. I don’t ‘get to see her nearly enough since she started college. And then when she’s done with college, well… I don’t want to think about it.
Carol: Why not?
Gretchen: Then she’s really going to be an adult.
Carol: She’s, like, thirty. She was engaged!
Gretchen: She’s in her twenties still!
Carol: Barely…
Gretchen: Anyway, I’m very excited to get my witch on.
Carol: You shouldn’t say that, we spent so much time convincing people you weren’t a witch!
Gretchen: Let people think whatever they want, it’s not like I’m running again.
Sarita: People thought you were a witch?
Gretchen: You din’t hear about that debacle? It was the dumbest scandal of my career, bar none.
Carol: She really must be from Massachusetts.
Gretchen: I call her that for a reason!
Carol: Sarita, given your close proximity to it, did you ever go to Salem? Maybe you can give Gretchen some tips!
Sarita: Never around Halloween.
Gretchen: You lived in Massachusetts and never went to Salem for Halloween? Come on, kid! Where’s your sense of whimsy?
Sarita: I know this is sacrilege, but I’m really not a big Halloween fan.
Gretchen: You’ve celebrated it with us before!
Carol: You helped Gretchen convince me to love Halloween again after I swore it off when Susana moved away.
Sarita: I like it more now, but when I was younger, I never did. Just not my jam.
Carol: Well, while the boss is out of town, I’m gonna get you to love Halloween. We’re gonna go to the pumpkin patch, and watch scary movies, and dress up in costumes, and -
Gretchen: I’ll be gone four days. And you two are the ones who will be keeping this place running while I’m out. Not like we have a lieutenant governor to count on or anything.
Carol: And that’s my fault?
Gretchen: You’re the chief of staff to the governor. You chose that job. You know the responsibilities it entails.
Carol: I never thought it meant I can’t have a life.
Gretchen: You just implied that you were going to spend working hours going to pumpkin patches and watching horror movies.
Carol: Going to a pumpkin patch is supporting a local small business. That’s part of the job.
Gretchen: I’m not going to fight you on this. Besides, what can really go wrong in four days? It’s Rhode Island!
Sarita: It’s probably a good thing that your term is nearing its end, if that’s your philosophy.
Gretchen: You did not just say that!
Sarita: I didn’t mean anything negative by it. Just that it appears you’re ready to move on. You’re tired of the confines of the job.
Gretchen: I quite enjoy the job. Where else would I go to get away from my mother?
Sarita: A fair point.
Two days later…
Gretchen: Everyone, get in the car!
Lucinda: I don’t understand why you’re taking us on a vacation to Salem for four day. We live an hour away!
Gretchen: Isn’t it nice to just get away sometimes?
Lucinda: With you guys? I don’t think you want me to answer that.
Anthony: You just insulted your grandchildren, I hope you’re happy.
Lucinda: I didn’t mean you, Toby.
Toby: Thanks, grandma.
Christina: What did I do?
Lucinda: You’re a mouthpiece for your mother.
Gretchen: I’d beg to differ!
Lucinda: What’s so interesting about Salem, anyway?
Gretchen: It’s Halloween!
Lucinda: So?
Gretchen: Do you not know about the witch trials?
Anthony: Honey, it’s too painful for her to discuss them. They were childhood friends.
Lucinda: I don’t appreciate being called old
Anthony: I wasn’t calling you old. I was calling you an immortal witch.
Lucinda: Well, I like the immortal part.
Gretchen: I don’t.
Christina: So, what’s the game plan once we get to Salem?
Gretchen: We’re going to check into the hotel, get rid of our luggage, and then just explore the town. Then tonight, we’re going on a ghost tour. Tomorrow, we’re a historical walking tour, and then at night we’ll check out some haunted houses. Sunday, we’re touring the filming locations for Hocus Pocus and going to museums. Monday, we’ll tie up any loose ends and head home.
Christina: Sounds like a busy trip!
Gretchen: There’s so much to see! Especially at Halloween! I’ve always wanted to come here, but I wanted to wait until Toby was old enough to enjoy it. Then I got busy with -
Lucinda: You? Busy?
Anthony: All right, enough of that. Get in the car.
Lucinda: It’s an hour away, that’s plenty of time to rattle off some great zingers.
Anthony: Can’t wait.
Gretchen: I’ll just tune her out. I wanted to listen to an audiobook about witchcraft anyway.
Lucinda: You trying to learn how to practice it? Do you want to put a hex on me? Haven’t you caused me enough suffering?
Gretchen: We should’ve left her at home.
Anthony: We still can, we haven’t left the porch yet.
Gretchen: Too much trouble. We’d have to find her food, get Mary to check in on her…
Lucinda: I’m an adult. I can take care of myself.
Gretchen: Really, we’d have to get Mary to stay here to make sure the old lady didn’t wreak havoc upon the home.
Lucinda: You talk about me like I’m some demented fossil!
Anthony: Wishful thinking.
Later that day…
Gretchen: Look at this! Beautiful Salem!
Lucinda: It’s a city. We’ve got that back in Rhode Island.
Gretchen: A beautiful, historic city, right along the ocean.
Lucinda: We have that back in Rhode Island, too. We’re literally The Ocean State.
Gretchen: Are you going to be negative the whole time?
Lucinda: I’m just saying, nothing special here so far.
Gretchen: We entered the city limits two minutes ago.
Lucinda: Providence catches your eye immediately.
Gretchen: Anthony, turn the music up. I’d rather listen to Spooky, Scary Skeletons than this whining.
Christina: I think we all would.
Toby: It’s my favorite Halloween song.
Christina: I like Monster Mash.
Lucinda: Mine is Spooky by Dusty Springfield.
Gretchen: If we put it on, would you be quiet?
Lucinda: No.
Anthony: I know what we should listen to - Season of the Witch!
Lucinda: You’re really going all in on this witch stuff, aren’t you?
Anthony: It’s Salem!
Lucinda: It happened hundreds of years ago. I say it’s time they get over it and find a new thing.
Gretchen: Make sure to put that in the suggestion box at the city hall.
Lucinda: Do they have one of those? Because I’ll do it.
Gretchen’s phone rings.
Gretchen: Ah, it’s Pratt. Guess I have to answer, given she’s got a new hip and all. It would be cruel to ignore the recently disabled.
Anthony: Lu, behave yourself.
Lucinda: I don’t think I will.
Anthony: It’s like having a child.
Lucinda: Your children behave themselves far better.
Gretchen answers the phone.
Samantha: Gretchen, where are you? I called the office and Carol said you’re out. You’re never out at this time of day, you’ve usually just got to work!
Gretchen: What’s it matter to you?
Samantha: Are you hiding from me?
Gretchen: I’m in Salem.
Samantha: Salem? The hell are you doing in Salem? That’s in Massachusetts!
Gretchen: I’m aware. I’m on a short vacation.
Samantha: Ah, you deserve it.
Gretchen: So what are you calling about?
Samantha: I’m coming back to work on Monday.
Gretchen: Monday? That’s quick! You sure you don’t need more time to recover? You suffered a major trauma.
Samantha: It’s best to get back in the saddle. It’s not like it’s a physically demanding job.
Gretchen: Aside from all those steps!
Samantha: I learned the hard way — I’m taking the elevator from now on!
Gretchen: I’d say that’s a good choice.
Samantha: I also made a decision about the election.
Gretchen: Oh, really?
Samantha: I’m staying in the primary. I’m not letting a freak accident spook me out of pursuing my dream.
Gretchen: I knew you’d come to your senses.
Samantha: Does that mean I can count on your support?
Gretchen: It means I’m proud of you and wish you the best.
Samantha: That’s not a yes!
Gretchen: Correct. Still weighing my options, it’s so early!
Samantha: Got it! Well, enjoy your vacation, and I’ll see you… whenever you get back.
Gretchen: Tuesday!
Samantha: So I’m acting governor until Tuesday?
Gretchen: Not really. I mean, I suppose you are in theory. But I didn’t want to bother you with it while you’re healing. If anything major happens, I can return back to the state very quickly.
Samantha: In that case, I’m going in to work today! I don’t want to miss out on this! I don’t know why this didn’t dawn on me sooner!
Gretchen: Just let Carol know before you go!
Samantha: Will do! See you Monday, bye!
Gretchen: It’s Tue-
Samantha hangs up.
Anthony: So… what’d she want?
Gretchen: Well, she was calling to tell me she was returning to work on Monday. Now, though, she’s heading in immediately, because she’s realized she’s acting governor.
Christina: That can only end well.
Lucinda: Can’t be any worse than Gretchen!
Gretchen: I’m so grateful for the confidence you have in me.
Lucinda: What confidence?
Gretchen: Precisely.
Later that day…
Lucinda: Why is there a statue of Elizabeth Montgomery here?
Christina: Who?
Toby: I think she’s a senator.
Gretchen: Oh, children, you make me feel so old.
Anthony: She was in an old sitcom called Bewitched. She played a witch. I assume that’s the connection.
Lucinda: Feels insensitive. You know, people died.
Anthony: Yes, friends of yours.
Lucinda: You’ve already used that joke!
Anthony: I was doing a callback!
Gretchen: Ah, look, ladies dressed as witches dancing down the street.
Toby: They’re creepy!
Gretchen: Yeah, they kinda are.
Christina: This is a weird town.
Lucinda: Not weird enough to justify bringing me here. If I’m promised freaky, give me freaky.
Christina: We could always put you in the wooden stocks and lock you there.
Lucinda: Oh, that would hurt my neck too much.
Toby: Oh look, a pumpkin patch! I’m gonna go get a pumpkin!
Lucinda: And do what with it?
Anthony: It’s Halloween, let the kid get a pumpkin.
Lucinda: We’re on vacation! Am I the only one in this family who values logic more than the sanctity of Halloween?
Gretchen: Petty much, yeah.
Gretchen’s phone rings.
Anthony: Oh my god, again?
Lucinda: Just turn that phone off. If we have to suffer through this cheesy Halloween schlock, so do you.
Gretchen: It’s Mary.
Lucinda: Oh! Answer it!
Gretchen: How fast her tune changes.
Lucinda: The difference is, she’s probably calling about something important, unlike your work defined.
Gretchen: Carol just called to tell me she and Massachusetts watched Scream. That was important!
Anthony: I’m not sure that was the best example.
Gretchen: Yeah, I know.
Gretchen answers the phone.
Mary: My dear sister, why did you not warn me that Samantha Pratt was returning to work today?
Gretchen: It was a surprise to me as well.
Mary: She claims she’s the governor now. I had to call you for proof of life.
Gretchen: Acting governor, while I’m out of state.
Mary: She’s trying to work with me on passing some law. I tuned her out, so I don’t even know what it’s about.
Gretchen: Oh my god. Don’t let her mess anything up. Supervise her! No executive orders!
Mary: So you get to go on vacation and I have to babysit the lieutenant governor with the bionic hip?
Gretchen: Sometimes, we have to do our sisters a favor.
Mary: When’s my turn to get a favor done for me?
Gretchen: I got you elected, didn’t I?
Mary: There’s no saying I wouldn’t have won without you.
Gretchen: Ha! Good one!
The next day…
Violet (tour guide): So, here we can see -
Lucinda: Let’s cut to the chase, where did they hang the witches?
Anthony: What, you trying to know where to avoid to make sure history doesn’t repeat itself?
Lucinda: Very funny, Anthony.
Anthony: I thought so.
Violet: That’s actually a later part of the tour, you will be seeing it in about an hour.
Lucinda: This thing’s over an hour long?
Violet: Two and half hours in all!
Lucinda: Can you hang me when we get to the gallows?
Violet: There actually aren’t any gallows there anymore. It’s not just a barren landscape.
Lucinda: This place is not fun, and I’m not having a good time.
Christina: Come on, grandma, where’s your Halloween spirit?
Lucinda: I’m wearing the witch hat, what more do you want from me?
Gretchen’s phone rings.
Gretchen: I’m so sorry, I have to step away.
Violet: It’s a private tour, so no worries. I’ll just pause the tour for now.
Lucinda: My god, and make it take even longer? You are not taking that call.
Gretchen: I have to.
Anthony: Honey, you should leave work at work. This is your time to relax and unwind.
Christina: Great place to unwind, the location of horrific hangings of innocent women.
Lucinda: They could’ve been witches. I know firsthand that witches are real.
Violet: Can you elaborate?
Lucinda: We apparently have time to spare, so, sure.
Gretchen steps away to take the call.
Gretchen: What’s up, Carrie?
Carrie: Gretchen, I need advice.
Gretchen: I’m a little busy, Carrie.
Carrie: I’ll make it really quick.
Gretchen: Okay. Go ahead.
Carrie: Remember when you said you’d be willing to support my future endeavors if I back off of challenging Jeanne?
Gretchen: Yeah, that was a dumb thing to say, wasn’t it? Now she wants to be governor, the pain in the ass.
Carrie: Well, did you mean it?
Gretchen: I’ll give moral support for sure. Is this about that long-brewing consideration of a gubernatorial campaign?
Carrie: It sure is.
Gretchen: I can’t endorse, yet.
Carrie: I got it. I wouldn’t expect you to. I just need advice on a campaign launch.
Gretchen: You know who can help with that? My campaign manager, my best friend, my chief of staff -
Carrie: She said to call you.
Gretchen: God, I hate her. Just go tell her I said she NEEDS to help you. It’s an official order.
Carrie: I guess that works.
Gretchen: Good luck with everything, Carrie. I’m gonna get going now. I’m on some tour in Salem, it’s very spooky.
Carrie: Enjoy it!
Gretchen: You’re the first person to say that to me! Everyone else is so self-centered. God.
Later that day…
Gretchen: Oh my god, why is this so scary? They didn’t say it would be so scary!
Christina: This is scary to you?
Gretchen: Witches are jumping out at every corner, spiders are falling down, I think there was a real black cat in here.
Christina: None of that is scary.
Gretchen: It is to me! I scare easily!
Lucinda: Going here was your idea! What were you expecting to be here, Bette Midler?
Gretchen: I wanted to do something fun for Halloween.
Lucinda: Then stop whining when things are scary!
Christina: Ah!
Gretchen: See, I told you. Scary.
Gretchen’s phone rings.
Lucinda: Oh, god. Not again. I’m gonna throw that thing at one of the witches and really get her mad at you.
Gretchen: I’ll be one minute.
Toby: Mom, there’s a zombie coming towards us.
Gretchen: This thing is all over the place, thematically.
Gretchen answers the phone.
Gretchen: Jeanne, I have no time for whatever this is. I’m on vacation.
Jeanne: The rumor on the street is that you’re going to endorse Carrie Lione when she announces her run for g-
Gretchen: Jeanne, not now. I’m on vacation.
Jeanne: But I just w-
Gretchen: Jeanne! Not now!
Jeanne: I guess we can talk when you get back from your trip.
Gretchen: There we go! I don’t even want to talk to you about this then, but I will, because I’m nice. Talk to you then!
Jeanne: Wait, did you just imply th-
Gretchen hangs up.
Gretchen: Okay, tomorrow I’m turning my phone off.
Anthony: That’s a good idea.
Christina: Maybe don’t even bring it with out of the room.
Lucinda: I like the way you think!
Christina: Aww, that’s the nicest thing you’ve said on this trip!
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
