Marietta is awoken in the middle of the night by a phone call.
Marietta: It’s two AM! What is going on? Are you okay? Are you in jail? I need answers! Now!
Sarah: I’m alive, I’m fine.
Marietta: So you’re in jail.
Sarah: I’m not!
Marietta: Wouldn’t be the first time!
Sarah: What ever do you mean?
Marietta: Underage drinking, just before the Iowa caucus…
Sarah: That was an accident.
Marietta: Yes, you thought all those beer bottles were water and then accidentally proceeded to drink every ounce of them.
Sarah: Okay, it was a mistake.
Marietta: I could’ve told you that! Damn kids…
Sarah: I’ve made another mistake.
Marietta: So you are in jail!
Sarah: I didn’t say that! Is that the only sort of mistake I could’ve made?
Marietta: What did you do?
Sarah: I got a tattoo.
Marietta: You’re not old enough for that!
Sarah: I’m twenty!
Marietta: No!
Sarah: Yes!
Marietta: I’m old!
Sarah: You said it, not me.
Marietta: So why did this tattoo require a 2 AM phone call?
Sarah: I don’t like it.
Marietta: You’ll still dislike the tattoo tomorrow morning, no?
Sarah: I just got home and saw it for the first time. I needed to vent to someone about it.
Marietta: You don’t have any girlfriends or trusted professors you could call up?
Sarah: Professors?
Marietta: Honey, I’m trying to politely tell you I’d rather if you called anyone else. I can barely open my eyes.
Sarah: What do I do? Can I get it undone?
Marietta: I don’t think you can magically erase it within a certain time span. I think once it’s on there, it’s on there.
Sarah: Well, I appreciate your time. I’ll let you go get back to sleep. I’m going to, uh… scrub this off?
Marietta: We can talk tomorrow. And don’t try scrubbing it off. It’s not going to work, it’s just going to hurt.
Sarah: It was a joke.
Marietta: I’m too tired for jokes.
The next day…
Kate: Milton, are you sure this man in Maine is out best bet to run against Sharon Campbell?
Milton: He’s got working class credentials. He was a Marine, he was he’s a local politician, he doesn’t feel corporate. He feels like Maine. That’s what we need in order to dislodge a political institution.
Ellie: Then let’s hope they don’t find the Louisiana version of him to run against you next time.
Milton: I thought Bethany Canadello was a stellar candidate. A woman who can’t form a coherent sentence, can barely spell her own name, and has never held a real job. Excellent candidate!
Kate: The governor of Maine is willing to run.
Milton: She I?
Kate: That’s why I’m asking if you’re fully sold on this Oscar Millford fella. Governor Fitzmiller is only willing to run if she has our support. You’re seemingly saying that she does not.
Milton: Kate, it’s October 2025.
Kate: Yes filing deadlines are only six months away!
Milton: Yeah, six months. That’s a lifetime in politics!
Kate: The governor is waiting for an answer. It’s now or never.
Milton: Then it’s never.
Ellie: To be clear, we’re picking a town selectman over an incumbent governor? Are we nuts?
Milton: She’s seventy years old! We’d have an edge by selling Oscar Millford as the change candidate. Governor Fitzmiller is just more of the same.
Kate: Then I’ll tell her that.
Ellie: A woman loves to hear that she’s past her prime and that she should step aside for a man!
Milton: This is not a gender thing. It’s an ageism thing, I think that’s pretty clear.
Milton’s phone rings.
Kate: I promise that isn’t the governor calling to make you change your mind.
Milton: Why would it be?
Kate: It isn’t!
Milton answers the call.
Milton: Sarah, what’s going on?
Sarah: Dad, I did something dumb.
Milton: Are you in jail again?
Sarah: Why does everyone keep thinking that?
Milton: Because the first arrest was earlier this year.
Kate: Ah, tell Sarah we said hi!
Sarah: I heard her! Tell Kate I said hi, too!
Milton: She says hi, Kate.
Sarah: I was not arrested. I just got a bad tattoo.
Milton: What?
Sarah: I was a bit tipsy, and I was out with my college friends, and one of them suggested getting matching tattoos. Well, they all chickened out, but I still wanted one for some reason. They were playing a Madonna song, and -
Milton: At a tattoo parlor?
Sarah: Yes. Well, I was really into it, so I… got a tattoo of Madonna’s face on my arm.
Milton: Oh boy.
Ellie: What did she do now?
Milton: She was drunk and got a tattoo of Madonna’s face.
Ellie: Oh, I’ve done worse than that when I was drunk!
Kate: Really?
Ellie: I was a wild child.
Milton: Is the tattoo at least an accurate depiction?
Ellie: Are you asking if it’s got a cone bra on? Or if it’s kissing Britney Spears?
Sarah: It looks more like Betty White than Madonna!
Milton: People love the Golden Girls! And you’re not even a huge Madonna fan anyway.
Sarah: The point is, I don’t want a giant face of an elderly woman -
Milton: Ouch! She’s my age!
Sarah: Betty White? I didn’t know you were that old.
Milton: Madonna!
Sarah: Anyway, I need advice.
Milton: They have laser tattoo removal. I’ll be home on Saturday, I can take you. You’ll have to pay for it yourself, though. You have to learn personal responsibility.
Sarah: Isn’t that thousands of dollars?
Milton: I can loan you the money, and you can pay me back. But the money will come from your wallet.
Sarah: Fine. At least it’ll be gone.
Kate: Doesn’t that take weeks to get rid of it completely?
Milton: Oh, no. Months!
Sarah: I’m stuck with this thing on my arm for months?
Milton: This is part of that whole “learning personal responsibility” thing.
Sarah: I don’t like this.
Milton: Well, Material Girl, you’ll get over it.
That weekend, at Patty Lynn’s…
Patty Lynn: It’s so nice to all but under the same roof aga- oh my god! Sarah, what is that on your arm?
Kathleen: None of your business?
Sarah: It’s a tattoo.
Patty Lynn: Not on my baby girl!
Marietta: You didn’t tell me the tattoo was of Estelle Getty.
Moira: I thought it was Aunt Gladys from that movie Weapons.
Amy: I was thinking Jane Fonda.
Henrietta: It’s very clearly Stevie Nicks.
Tammy: Oh, I know: Bette Midler.
Amy: Who would get a tattoo of Bette Midler?
Tammy: Jane Fonda?
Amy: More likely. She’s one of Grace and Frankie!
Patty Lynn: Whoever it is -
Sarah: Madonna.
Kathleen: Like a Prayer Madonna?
Sarah: Yeah.
Kathleen: Absolutely not.
Sarah: It’s not a good rendering.
Patty Lynn: It could be the spitting image of her and it would still be an affront to humanity!
Marietta: Oh boy. Here comes her rant about tattoos being a mark of the devil. Such a boomer!
Patty Lynn: I just don’t like them. Not on such a pure soul like my Sarah.
Sarah: A ton of my favorite celebrities have them! Billie Eilish, and Ariana Grande, and Lady Gaga, and most players in the WNBA, and Rihanna…
Patty Lynn: That’s great for them, but it’s not you. Think of what that’ll look like when you get older like me, and you’ve got wrinkles!
Marietta: In fairness, she’s young and has no wrinkles, and the tattoo already looks awful. I find it hard to believe it’ll look worse with age.
Sarah: Thank you?
Patty Lynn: What would draw you to make this ill-advised decision, honey?
Marietta: Alcohol.
Patty Lynn: That’s it, I’m getting her to the Betty Ford Clinic.
Kathleen: It’s she twenty? That’s, uh… not drinking age.
Patty Lynn: Exactly! So many poor decisions! I’m worried about you!
Marietta: Do you think Milton and I did’t drink when we were in college?
Patty Lynn: Did you?
Milton: I plead the fifth.
Sarah: How did this go from grilling me about a tattoo to accusing me of alcoholism?
Patty Lynn: You’re right. We need to focus on that. This is irreversible! You need to think things through!
Sarah: It’s not my finest moment, I recognize that. But it is reversible.
Patty Lynn: Oh, is it?
Milton: Actually, yes. I already took her for her first of many laser tattoo removal procedures.
Patty Lynn: At least this nightmare’s going to be over! This is embarrassing.
Sarah: How is it embarrassing for anyone other than me? You’re too worried about what’s going on with me.
Patty Lynn: I just don’t like tattoos. And how does it reflect upon me if my granddaughter’s walking around with a giant one on her arm like she’s one of the Sons of Anarchy?
Marietta: Mom, what decade are you from? The 1840s?
Patty Lynn: If you’re insinuating I’m out of touch, I don’t care. I’m right!
Kathleen: You sound like a lady who talks to pigeons at the park.
Sarah: She does!
Moira: Sarah, I don’t think that’s nice to say about your grandmother.
Marietta: I mean, it’s true.
Amy: I went through a rebellious teenage phase myself. My grandmother bribed me to stop, so I did. I’m not suggesting it, but I’m putting the idea out there.
Sarah: I’m twenty years old! I’m an adult. For the love of god, I can make my own decisions.
Patty Lynn: And I’m your grandmother, so I get to comment on said decisions. That’s how it works.
Sarah: It’s my body, it’s my choice! Do I like the tattoo? No. Was it my choice to get it? Yes! So stop lecturing me about it. This could’ve been a funny moment, but you’re taking it far too seriously.
Tammy: I think the tattoo is looking at me.
Marietta: I saw an X-Files episode about that once.
Amy: You’re sure that’s not a tattoo of Jane Fonda?
Marietta: You know who it kinda looks like now that I look at it more closely? Minnesota Lynx head coach Cheryl Reeve.
Tammy: It does!
Marietta: It has that look of anger that she has when she looks at a referee.
Sarah: I know the tattoo is bad and looks like various elderly women -
Mitch: I thought it was of Mel Brooks.
Sarah: And elderly men. But it’s mine, and one day, it will thankfully be gone. Enough discourse about it.
Patty Lynn: Honey, I’m sorry I was judgmental. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I think it’s just tough to grapple with you getting older. You’re still my little girl.
Sarah: I always will be. But your little girl’s an adult.
Patty Lynn: I wish you weren’t! That means I’m getting old!
Marietta: Look around this room. Very few of us are spring chickens.
Henrietta: I would like to be excluded from this narrative.
Amy: Me as well. I’m practically a teenager still.
Marietta: You weren’t a teenager thirty years ago!
Amy: Bitch!
Patty Lynn: How about this, Sarah? To show you how supportive I am, you and I can get matching tattoos. Small ones. Less than an inch. Just big enough so we know they’re there, but most other people don’t. It can be our special thing.
Marietta: But… the wrinkles?
Patty Lynn: Would you shut your mouth?
Sarah: I think that would be great.
Milton: Wow, mom was able to start a problem and solve it in the span of one dinner. Very impressive for her, she usually acts like a petty lunatic for far longer than this!
Kathleen: Don’t worry, she’ll pick on me all week for no reason just to make up for it.
Sarah: I will not ! Shut up!
The next day…
Sarah: You sure about this, grandma?
Patty Lynn: Very sure! I’m a cool grandma, a supportive grandma. I’m not some judgmental lame-o.
Sarah: All right, then you can go first.
Patty Lynn: Sounds good!
Sarah: Don’t look at them while they’re doing it, by the way. It makes it hurt far more.
Patty Lynn: Oh my god, this is so painful! I can't take it anymore! Stop, stop!
Sarah: Grandma, they were only cleaning your arm with an alcohol pad.
Patty Lynn: Right, of course. Carry on.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
