Marietta: Oh my god, I forgot it’s the week of Halloween. What a crazy week.
Amy: How can you forget the best week of the year?
Henrietta: I forgot you were so crazy about Halloween.
Amy: “Crazy about Halloween” implies that it’s irrational to love it so much. What’ there not to love? And New Orleans is the best city in America to spend Halloween in!
Henrietta: Better than Salem?
Amy: Salem? What do they have, a bunch of women they murdered four hundred years ago under the guise of being witches? No, we’re voodoo city. We’re a city of ghosts and ghouls.
Marietta: And if you ask my mother, vampires.
Amy: Is your mother Anne Rice?
Marietta: No, she just thinks Interview with the Vampire is a documentary.
Tammy: I’m excited to show off my costume. I’m finally going to win that costume contest.
Marietta: The what?
Tammy: The costume contest at Amy’s party! I’m always so close -
Amy: Eh.
Tammy: I should be! My costumes are inventive and fun and whimsical. I should not lose to run-of-the-mill costumes from Spirit Halloween!
Amy: It’s up to me and my esteemed panel of judges. Impress us and you win.
Henrietta: Tammy, you were First Lady, you were Senate Majority Leader, you helped to manage the campaign of a presidential frontrunner. Why do you need to win a silly costume contest?
Tammy: Because I love Halloween, but every time I think of my favorite holiday, I think of how robbed I’ve been. It’s always on my mind, I can’t even get any sleep during the entire month of October.
Henrietta: That just gave me even more questions.
Tammy: What’s so hard to understand? That none of my previous accomplishments matter if not for winning a costume contest?
Henrietta: Yeah, that’s hard to grasp. You’re the most accomplished person I know.
Amy: Excuse me?
Marietta: Amy, you were a city councilor and now you’re a press secretary. She was the most powerful woman in America for almost three decades.
Amy: I was almost the White House Chief of Staff!
Marietta: According to whom?
Amy We all know you were going to give me the job.
Tammy: Can we focus on the fact that I’m going to have the greatest Halloween costume of all time?
Marietta: You’ll never beat Mary Shelley Long.
Tammy: I could wear a sheet and call myself a ghost and it would be better than whatever the hell that was.
Marietta: Clever. Clever is what that is.
Tammy: Sure. Let’s say that.
Amy: Anyway, my Halloween party is going to be our absolute greatest ever. I’ve poured more money into it than ever, and I’ve even brought in professional decorators. You’re all going to be enchanted.
Tammy: Not as enchanted as you’ll be with my costume! It’s my finest yet.
Amy: Again with the damn costume.
Marietta: Am I the only one not worried about this Halloween party? I’m worried about the public festivities. I feel like the city isn’t prepared yet.
Amy: Our city is always prepared for Halloween. You don’t need any alterations, it’s ready at all hours of all days.
Henrietta: Even at Christmas.
Amy: Christmas is New Orleans is like a Christmas episode of The X-Files. As festive as it can get, there’s still a tiny touch of spookiness. We’re just that kind of city.
Marietta: Yes, but that’s why it’s important to go above and beyond. We don’t want it to feel like any day in New Orleans, we want it to feel like Halloween!
Amy: We’ve spent plenty of money decorating the public grounds for Halloween, and we put a lot of time into planning the Halloween parade. Have no fear, the Halloween spirit is here. The spirit’s not quite as strong as it will be at my house on Friday, but nothing can ever stack up to that.
Henrietta: Glad to see you’ve still got your humility.
Amy: I know my party is better than anyone else’s. There’s no sense in pretending it’s not.
Marietta: Don’t tell my mother that. With how competitive she is about holidays, she’ll try and throw a competing party together by the time Friday comes around if she hears you bragging about yours.
Amy: She’s come to my parties. She sees what I can pull off. Even she isn’t quixotic enough to try and compete with the big dog.
Henrietta: Why is everyone I know so competitive about Halloween? This is supposed to be the fun holiday. No stress about gifts and the perfect decor and baking cookies and all the insanity that Christmas brings. Just a time to chill, eat candy, watch scary movies, and go to the pumpkin patch with your kids.
Amy: Some of us aren’t blessed with children.
Marietta: You have children! You never talk about them, but you do.
Amy: They’re grown, they’re not fun anymore!
Tammy: Speaking of children, Marietta, are you going to be seeing yours for Halloween?
Marietta: Of course, why not? I’m accompanying them for trick-or-treat before I go to Amy’s party. Sarah’s staying at the mayor’s mansion to hand out candy.
Tammy: I figured Maria would be too busy in DC to come home.
Marietta: Busy? In DC?
Tammy: Come on, we had plenty of busy times in DC.
Marietta: Sure.
Tammy: Anyway, I’m glad everyone’s coming home for Halloween. More people to see my incredible costume!
Henrietta: Again with the costume?
Tammy: It’s really THAT good.
Amy: I’ll be the judge of that.
Later that day…
Tammy: Mitch!
Mitch; Yes, dear?
Tammy: I need your help.
Mitch: Oh boy, words you never wish to hear.
Tammy: Mitch, Amy’s party is on Friday and I have no idea what my costume is going to be.
Mitch: Just go to Party City. Are they still around?
Tammy: I don’t know, nor do I care. I need a unique, quality costume. Not mass-produced garbage!
Mitch: You think maybe you should’ve started looking for a costume earlier than four days before the party, then?
Tammy: Mitch, I’ve spent so much time thinking of what I could dress as, and I truly have no inspiration. It has to live up to the hype I’ve created for it!
Mitch: Maybe just stop being so competitive about something as silly as Halloween costumes. Just worry about having fun!
Tammy: I’m the queen of Halloween! Not Amy!
Mitch: Is this an Amy versus Tammy thing? Why are you so worried about one-upping her all the time?
Tammy: She started it.
Mitch: Of course she did.
Tammy: Look, I just want to finally be recognized for my creative costumes and my Halloween spirit. I just need a creative costume first. It’s harder than it looks!
Mitch: I’m aware. You’ve told me many times.
Tammy: I just want to win. I’m tired of losing.
Mitch: Coincidentally, also the motto of our Democratic Party.
Tammy: I’m being serious, Mitch! This means something to me. All these years, though so many creative costumes, I’ve never won that contest. I don’t know how I’ll be able to pull it off this time, but I have to try.
Mitch: You need to not let it consume you. It’s so silly to worry about a costume contest.
Tammy: Something silly is just what I need to distract me from the hellish world in which I live.
Mitch: Well, I can understand that. I just think you need to focus more on the fun of it than on winning.
Tammy: Fine… I’ll focus on having “fun.”
Mitch: You really mean it?
Tammy: Yes…
Mitch: Good! Halloween should be fun!
The next day…
Amy: Hey, Marietta, I’m gonna run out and grab a coffee. You want anything?
Marietta: Just an order of beignets. It’s my cheat day.
Amy: Anyone else?
Tammy: I’m good, I brought a coffee in from home and I had a big breakfast.
Henrietta: I’m good, too. I’m trying to cut back on caffeine.
Amy: I could get you decaf.
Henrietta: In New Orleans?
Amy: Believe it or not, it is available.
Henrietta: In that case, I’ll take a decaf coffee.
Tammy: You know what? Get me something with pumpkin in it. It is Halloween, after all.
Amy: All right then. I’ll see you girls later.
A bit later, while walking past Amy’s desk, Tammy notices a list of names on it.
Tammy: Oh my god, the judges for the costume contest! Helene Tran, Marjorie McClure, Ed Frazier… I know all of them!
Henrietta: What are you in here muttering?
Tammy: Nothing, I’m just saying I need to use the bathroom.
Marietta: You’re free to do so.
Tammy: Thank you. Wasn’t sure I had permission.
Tammy leaves the office and walks outside to call Helene.
Helene: Tammy Yarborough? Wow, we haven’t spoken in months! Is everything all right?
Tammy: Helene, I know you’re a judge in the costume contest at Amy’s Halloween party.
Helene: Are you a judge, too?
Tammy: No! I’ll be competing! Helene, I want to win.
Helene: This is unusual.
Tammy: I love Halloween, I spend so much time thinking up the perfect costume every year, and I never win. I just want to get a win under my belt. It’s embarrassing that I’ve never won;.
Helene: Is it that serious?
Tammy: For me it is. I greatly enjoy Halloween.
Helene: I don’t know what you want me to do. I’m one of four judges, and I plan to judge fairly.
Tammy: I’m just begging you to give me a fair shake. And I’m willing to pay.
Helene: Pay?
Tammy: Five hundred bucks.
Helene: Tammy!
Tammy: I want that trophy.
Helene: Oh my god… this is sad.
Tammy: Please.
Helene: Tammy, you don’t need to win that bad. I promise.
Tammy: I do. I love Halloween! I promise, my costume will be worthy of victory!
Helene: Then you have no need to bribe me.
Tammy: But I want to make sure it’s a slam-dunk!
Three days later, Tammy’s phone rings.
Tammy: Hello?
Amy: Tammy, are you scheming?
Tammy: Scheming? Me?
Amy: Yes.
Tammy: I would never!
Amy: I know what you did.
Tammy: Last summer?
Amy: No. This week.
Tammy: I did nothing this week. I’ve just been busy loving Halloween so much. You know, eating candy apples and watching Michael Myers stab everybody.
Amy: And bribing my judges?
Tammy: I would never!
Amy: Sure you wouldn’t.
Tammy: Who tattled?
Amy: All of them! But Helene was first.
Tammy: Evil woman!
Amy: She did the right thing. You can’t be allowed to cheat! It’s supposed to just be a fun thing! Why are you so hung up on it?
Tammy: I’m not used to losing! I’ve always been a winner!
Amy: Well, get used to it, because I’m disqualifying you from this one.
Tammy: No! Please! I never went through with paying any of them!
Amy: You made an attempt to! I can’t turn a blind eye to it! Unless…
Tammy: What?
Amy: I could forget this ever happened - and judge the contest fairly, with you partaking in it - if you get Marietta to admit that I was going to be the White House Chief of Staff.
Tammy: That’s it?
Amy: That’s it.
Tammy: Deal!
Amy: All right. You get that done before the contest starts, and you’re in.
Tammy: I’ll get to work right now!
A bit later, Marietta shows up at Patty Lynn’s…
Patty Lynn: Aww, look at all of you in your costumes! What exactly are you, Maria?
Maria: I’m tired. This new job is no joke.
Patty Lynn: Do you want to stay home with the kids and rest?
Maria: Oh, I was always planning on it. Give Amy my regards, I’ll make sure to give Mr. Sandman yours.
Patty Lynn: Are you sure?
Maria: Yeah.
Marietta: I see you’re not in your costume, either.
Patty Lynn: I’m just not sure about going.
Marietta: What do you mean? Patty Lynn Landfield, skipping a holiday? You even threw a Juneteenth party this year! You found Juneteenth decorations, somehow!
Patty Lynn: It’s a very important part of our history.
Marietta: I agree, I just didn’t know they sold Juneteenth decorations.
Milton: She’s mopey today.
Patty Lynn: I’m not mopey! I just miss your father!
Marietta: I understand, but why is this coming up now?
Patty Lynn: I can’t remember a Halloween without him. We always enjoyed doing it together - passing out candy to trick-or-treaters, wearing couples costumes, baking pumpkin rolls… that’s gone.
Marietta: He wouldn’t want you to skip out on Halloween. He’d want you to live life.
Kathleen: I told her that. She doesn’t enjoy listening to logic.
Patty Lynn: It’s just hard.
Marietta: You picked out a costume. You were certainly planning to go.
Patty Lynn: It just all hit me today. First one without him, not so easy.
Marietta: We’ll get through it together.
Patty Lynn: I suppose.
Marietta: Now, get that Bride of Frankenstein costume on and let’s go!
Patty Lynn: He would’ve been my Frankenstein…
Milton: Oh boy, here we go again…
At Amy’s party…
Tammy: Amy, I don’t see Marietta.
Amy: A deal’s a deal, Tammy Faye Bakker!
Tammy: I told you my costume is clever! See, I’m Tammy and I’m dressed as another famous Tammy.
Amy: Yeah, I got it.
Tammy: Just let me participate. I’ll make sure she tells you what you want to hear!
Amy: Nope. The deal was clear.
Tammy notices Marietta walk in…
Tammy: Marietta!
Marietta: What?
Tammy: You’re late!
Marietta: And you have makeup running down your face.
Tammy: That’s on purpose!
Marietta: Why?
Tammy: I’m Tammy Faye Bakker!
Marietta: Of course you are.
Tammy: I need you to tell Amy that you were going to make her White House Chief of Staff so I can take part in the costume contest.
Marietta: I’m not seeing the correlation here.
Tammy: It’s too much to get into now. Just please, do me this favor.
Marietta: Amy…
Amy: Yes, Carol Brady?
Marietta: Thank god somebody knew my costume!
Amy: She was America’s mom, how could I not know?
Marietta: Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I was absolutely going to make you White House Chief of Staff had I won.
Amy: I knew it!
One hour later…
Amy: And the winner of the Applewhite Halloween Spooktacular Costume Contest is… Marietta Landfield!
Marietta: I won?
Tammy: I can’t believe this sh-
Milton: I bet Marietta paid the judges off.
Tammy: No… that doesn’t work.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
