Betty sets down a bag of groceries on the counter.
Ralph: Mom, I was making something there.
Betty: You needed the whole counter?
Ralph: Don you tell an artist how to paint?
Teri: She often does yell at the caricature artists at the beach when they make her nose too big.
Betty: My nose is NOT that big!
Teri: That’s the point of a caricature!
Betty: They make it freakishly larger in proportion to the rest of my giant head. I hate it.
Jerry: Is now a bad time to reveal that I tell them to make it that big?
Cindy: I don’t think you realize what you’ve just done, dear.
Jerry: No, I realize. This is my entertainment in retirement.
Teri: You’re a constable and you work at mom’s store. You work more in retirement than you did when you were working in the Army!
Jerry: That is true. Fighting for my country is hard, but being an employee of Betty? Impossible.
Betty: Hey, I’m right here.
Jerry: I tell you you’re a pain in my ass all the time. This isn’t new to you.
Ralph: It’s not news to anyone who knows her.
Betty: You’re the one who gave me a hard time over putting a bag of groceries on the counter!
Alysa: Am I walking in on something?
Tammi: Nothing you’re not used to by now.
Betty: Anyway, does anyone know where Karl is?
Teri: You’re usually on top of that. You’re pretty much always together.
Ralph: You were also working together today.
Betty: I went to the store, he stayed at the boutique.
Teri: Then I would guess he’s still there.
Betty: It closed half an hour ago! I hope he’s all right. I have something to ask him.
Teri: Is that the only reason you hope he’s all right?
Betty: Oh, don’t be a smart-ass.
Jerry: Wouldn’t that require her to be smart to begin with?
Teri: You’re a sad, sad little man.
Jerry: I’m a perfectly average height.
Teri: For one of the Keebler elves, perhaps.
Jerry: Where the hell is Frank? He’s supposed to be here to redirect the insults away from me.
Tammi: He’s working overtime this week.
Jerry: What an absolutely useless sad-sack.
Tammi: That’s my husband you’re talking about!
Jerry: Well, I’m starting to understand why everyone else has made him their punching bag.
Betty: You guys don’t think anything happened to Karl, do you? It’s late for him to not be home yet.
Teri: I think it’s fine. Just text him.
Betty: That’s dangerous! He could be driving! Or in the trunk of some criminal that doesn’t know he’s got his phone on him!
Teri: Or he could be staying late at the shop.
Betty: That’s not like him. He usually wants to get out as soon as the clock hits five.
Ralph: He could be having an affair.
Betty: Don’t even joke!
Ralph: It’s possible. I know a lot of these lonely old ladies around town have said if anything happens to you, you know…
Betty: What?
Ralph: They want to be next in line.
Betty: That’s despicable.
Jerry: Exactly. We all know evil never dies. She’ll live forever.
Betty: Did you just imply I’m evil?
Ralph: I think he outright said it.
Betty: I’ll remember it when it’s my turn to make dinner.
Jerry: Oh god, I’ve just earned ten years of having bones and plastic chunks in my soup.
Betty: Damn right you have.
The front door swings open.
Karl: Gosh, what a long day.
Teri: It’s about to get longer!
Karl: Oh boy. What’s wrong?
Teri: Nothing, mom’s just in a frenzy over your whereabouts.
Karl: I told you I was staying late, I had to finish inventory.
Betty: Oh, right, you did.
Cindy: Lord, thank you for trusting me to have the strength to deal with this. It is not easy, but it is because of your love that I am able to survive it.
Betty: I’m not that bad!
Ralph: You’re bad enough that even I pray to some god out there and beg for strength, and I think it’s all a bunch of hooey.
Betty: Karl, I saw the most interesting flyer at the supermarket!
Karl: Those words terrify me.
Teri: They should. I don’t know what this is about, but they should.
Karl: What did you see, dear?
Betty: The HOA is having dance lessons as a way to raise money. They’re doing solo and couples’ lessons.
Karl: You want to learn to dance?
Betty: I want us to learn to dance!
Teri: Good luck, dad!
Danielle: That sounds kinda fun!
Ralph: For my dear dad’s sake: please don’t egg her on.
Danielle: I’m being honest! I like to dance.
Alysa: Wouldn’t we all love to be Robert Irwin? Or have their own Robert Irwin?
Steven: Are you going to leave me for Robert Irwin?
Alysa: Come on, I could never live in Australia!
Steven: That’s not super comforting.
Alysa: I like a man who dances.
Steven: And I like a woman who skates. That doesn’t mean I’m leaving you for Alysa Liu.
Alysa: You said I would always be your favorite Alysa with one S!
Steven: She’s a national hero. She’s America’s Sweetheart.
Teri: That’s Julia Roberts!
Cindy: This is why everyone always calls you old.
Teri: People call me old?
Betty: They have a point.
Teri: Mom!
Betty: You aren’t getting any younger, the faster you realize that, the better. For all of us.
Alysa: I think you should go to Oakland then and see if that Alysa will let you in her bed if . Because you’re certainly not allowed in this Alysa’s bed.
Jerry: No grandson of mind is ever going to Oakland! That’s a land of communists and traitors!
Ralph: See, mom. These dance lessons of yours have already ruined one marriage. I think that’s enough for one family. Let’s drop it.
Betty: Their marriage isn’t ruined! They’re fine.
Steven: Come on, it was just a joke!
Alysa: A bad one!
Steven: I hate the Olympics!
Betty: So, what do you say?
Karl: Do I have a choice?
Teri: I think you know you don’t.
Karl: All right. Dance lessons it is.
Steven: Alysa, will you forgive me if we do dance lessons together?
Alysa: Perhaps.
Teri: Better hope they don’t have us dancing to MacArthur Park.
Alysa: Don’t even joke about it.
Ralph: I would just like to note… I will not be joining the dance class. Back to the kitchen I go.
Teri: I’m considering it, just because I want to witness this disaster up close. I think it’s going to be something very special.
Cindy: Jerry, you think you could do it?
Jerry: Why would I be?
Cindy: Well, you’ve been home recovering and resting since you were shot. You have MS. Anything else?
Teri: He has no natural rhythm and two left feet?
Cindy: Yeah, that too.
Jerry: Well, if everyone’s going to be so judgmental about it, I’m starting to feel a bit self-conscious. I think I’ll pass.
Cindy: Thank god.
Jerry: You didn’t want to dance with me?
Cindy: There are better ways for me to spend my time.
Betty: Do you think it would be insensitive for me to ask Jeanette if she and Rick would like to participate?
Cindy: Yeah, uh… I think the woman with the bionic hip that was just installed may need to sit this one out.
Betty: The doctor actually says she shouldn’t be sitting too much, it’s not good for blood flow.
Cindy: It was a metaphor, mom.
Tammi: Well, Frank’s not here, so let’s just not mention this to him until it’s too late to sign up. It feels like something he’d want to do, and I do not want to do it.
Betty: I think it’ll be fun!
Tammi: I do not.
One week later…
Betty: Remember, everyone: our first dance lessons are tomorrow at five! We can’t be late!
Frank: What’s this about dance lessons?
Tammi: Nothing, honey. I didn’t find out until it was too late. I must not have been there when the rest of them all found out about them.
Frank: That’s unfortunate.
Tammi: It sure is.
Steven: Alysa and I are very excited about them.
Teri: She let you back in bed yet?
Alysa: We’re working up to it.
Teri: Well, you know, someone left that cake out in the rain.
Alysa: Please stop.
Teri: Oh noooooooo!
Frank: Is Teri having a stroke?
Teri: Shut up, Frank! You clearly did not see Olympic Gold Medalist Alysa Liu’s free skate to the fantastically nonsensical 1970s disco hit MacArthur Park by Queen of Disco Donna Summer. Steven quite enjoyed it and it has made our Alysa quite insecure.
Alysa: Not insecure! Just… so many people mention her to me now! There are other Alysas who only spell it with one S!
Teri: Such as?
Danielle: It’s probably going to go up a lot now. Totally unrelated to the Olympics.
Betty: We’re veering off-track. Dance lessons tomorrow, everyone get ready to groove!
Teri: Oh, we’re ready. Don’t let me forget to charge my phone, I need this all recorded.
Danielle: Are you paying the fee for the lessons just to record your parents? That seems like a waste.
Teri: Some things are worth the cost. This is one of them. This must be recorded for posterity.
The next day…
Teri: What do you mean we’re not allowed to film during a lesson?
Missy (dance instructor): We just feel it’s a safety issue. We want everyone to feel comfortable and we do worry that recording our students during their lesson opens them up to public mockery.
Steven: I think I saw some clips from a lesson like this on TikTok.
Missy: It was a PR nightmare for us. Never again!
Teri: Well, if I can’t record, then I’m gonna just go.
Danielle: Wait, don’t go! You should be my partner.
Teri: I thought singles were welcomed?
Danielle: They are, but it’s a discounted rate if you do the doubles lesson.
Teri: It’s not discounted for me. It’s free to leave, it’s fifteen dollars if I stay to dance with you.
Danielle: Yes, but it’s twenty-five for me on my own.
Teri: If I do you this one favor -
Danielle: I’ll owe you one.
Teri: a big one.
Danielle: Yup.
Betty: Girls, get over here. It’s about to start!
Alysa: I am quivering with anticipation. Please, may it last three hours. The longer it takes for me to get back to my baby, the better!
Steven: And you were offended when I said I enjoy figure skating. Wait until I tell Caitlin!
Alysa: I don’t think she’s going to understand, on account of her being a literal baby.
Calvin: Am I too late? Did I miss it?
Betty: Calvin, how did you find out about this? Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad you didn’t bring your son. But why are you here?
Calvin: I was at the market, I saw the flyer. I figured it’s a nice way to make friends. I’m new here, I could stand to make new friends.
Betty: You’re not afraid people won’t approve of a dancing pastor?
Calvin: I don’t plan to incorporate pelvic thrusts into my sermons, if that’s what you’re implying.
Missy: All right, gang! We’re going to start today’s lesson! We’re kicking things off with a little cha-cha-cha, and e’re going to ease our way into it.
Karl: Are they gonna make me wear one of those shirts with the puffy sleeves?
Betty: I hope so!
Teri: So do I!
One hour later!
Missy: Teri, Danielle, fantastic work!
Teri: I feel it in my hips. I feel the spirit of dance!
Betty: My hips hurt! This was supposed to be easy!
Calvin: I’m having a fantastic time. I haven’t felt this alive since my Rita and I went to Cabo and did the limbo!
Danielle: I think Teri and I are going to be the new pros on Dancing with the Stars.
Teri: It’s one dance, let’s not get too cocky. We are fantastic, but we may need a year or two before we’re quite on that level. But we do have a gift.
Karl: My back hurts! I need a break.
Alysa: I want to know how you pick MacArthur Park as the song to cha-cha to.
Missy: It’s very popular right now!
Alysa: And it’s my nightmare!
Later that day…
Cindy: So, how’d it go?
Teri: Frank’s dad was there!
Frank: Even dad got to dance?
Teri: He was feeling himself.
Danielle: Not like we were.
Steven: I think Teri and Danielle might be a couple now.
Danielle: We’d be very convincing, but we’re just friends and future breakdancing gold medalists at the 2028 Olympics.
Betty: It was horrible. I feel horrible. I never want to discuss it again. I never want to dance again. I think I broke my hip.
Ralph: Wow! Who could’ve possibly seen this coming?
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
