Betty is in the kitchen when the phone rings.
Betty: Ralph, can you get that?
Ralph: Who is it?
Betty: Hell if I know.
Ralph: You want me to just blindly answer?
Karl: I’ll do it.
Ralph: Could be some pushy telemarketer!
Tammi: Those still exist?
Ralph: I think? I don’t now.
Steven: What’s a telemarketer?
Jerry: Like the phone version of when the Jehovah’s Witnesses knock on the door.
Steven: What’s a Jehovah’s Witness?
Alysa: Honey…
Steven: Is that what you are?
Alysa: No, I’m an Episcopalian.
Cindy: Oh my god, is my great-grandson going to be an Episcopalian? This is horrible!
Teri: What did I just walk in on?
Danielle: Anti-Episcopalian discrimination.
Karl: Hello!
Teri: What, dad?
Betty: He’s on the phone!
Teri: How was I supposed to know? I come in and I overhear Cindy talking about hating the Episcopalians!
Cindy: I don’t hate them. I just disagree with their worldview.
Alysa: Excuse me? What great religion are you?
Steven: I don’t think we need to discuss this.
Cindy: I think we do, actually. It’s very important for the baby.
Frank: It’s not even here yet.
Cindy: It’s not an “it.” It’s a he, I can sense it!
Alysa: We don’t know that yet, and we don’t want to know.
Teri: I’m a Protestant, if anyone was wondering.
Cindy: That’s quite broad. No denomination?
Teri: You know I’m not big on church.
Frank: Blasphemy!
Teri: Shut the hell up, Frank.
Betty: Would you people be quiet?
Cindy: The baby will be Methodist. Wesleyan, in particular.
Danielle: You should raise the baby Catholic. It’s a very fun religion, we even get an extra name at confirmation. Mine is Maria.
Betty: I’m trying to talk on the phone!
Teri: Just go in another room, these people are idiots.
Betty: Fine! Jeanette, I apologize for their rudeness.
Teri: Tell Jeanette we send our love!
Betty: You all lost the right to that when you started acting like this.
Ralph: See what happens when you start talking religion?
Frank: See, I’ve really enjoyed the conversation. We should keep it going!
Teri: God, I hate you.
Frank: God loves you regardless.
Teri: I love god. I hate you, Frank.
Frank: If you truly loved God, you’d love all of his creation.
Teri: Even Charles Manson?
Frank: Why didn’t you have to go there?
Ralph: It’s a valid point.
Ten minutes later…
Alysa: You don’t understand. My mother is the most devout Episcopalian I’ve ever met. No one is more devout in anything than she is in the beliefs of the Episcopal Church.
Cindy: No wonder she’s a Democrat.
Karl: That’s the one thing Betty likes about her.
Alysa: I’ve let her down in so many ways. I can’t let her down with this, too.
Cindy: Really?
Alysa: Really! My child has to be raised as an Episcopalian, and not… whatever denomination it is that you guys want it to be.
Cindy: Wesleyan!
Danielle: Catholic!
Ralph: Atheist!
Teri: Protestant!
Jerry: Teri, how many times do we have to tell you that Protestant is not a denomination? It’s its own giant branch.
Teri: Well that’s how I was raised!
Jerry: Nondenominational.
Teri: Yes.
Jerry: Sinners.
Frank: My father is a Wesleyan pastor. It means a lot to me, too.
Danielle: My god. I joked around, but it’s her child, and Steven’s. Let them decide. It’s none of our business.
Cindy: But I -
Danielle: No.
Cindy: But -
Danielle: No.
Cindy: Can I at least lecture Ralph about the dangers of atheism?
Ralph: Don’t know, don’t care. It’s all a scam.
Karl: How did we even get on this subject?
Danielle: Oh, you were lucky to miss it. You were on the phone. Jerry mentioned the Jehovah people.
Karl: Ugh.
Danielle: I know. All Jerry’s fault.
Ralph: It so often is.
Betty: Well! That was an interesting call!
Teri: What extravagant trip are Jeanette and Rick on now?
Betty: None. They’re broke!
Teri: Who the hell is gonna take me sailing now?
Ralph: Christopher Cross?
Teri: I’m being serious!
Ralph: I never took you as a sailer
Teri: And I’ll never be one now!
Karl: What on earth happened?
Betty: They invested their money in a company that just completely failed.
Teri: Oh no. Rick put all his money in those ape NFTs? I thought he knew better than that!
Betty: I don’t know what that is, and I don’t know the company. All I know is a few bad investments sunk them. They had to sell the boat -
Teri: I could cry.
Betty: Their house, their vacation house, all of it. They do have some assets left, but they’re frozen for some reason. I don’t know the logistics. I just know he got involved in something that went way south.
Teri: Where are they going to live?
Betty: Well…
Cindy: Oh no.
Alysa: I don’t think this is the business of me or the baby. We’re going to my room to do my homework.
Danielle: What a pair of sentences.
Karl: That was a loaded “well.”
Betty: We have a guest home.
Karl: We do.
Betty: I think it’s time to put it to use!
Teri: Let me get this straight: our most pampered relatives, used to lives of luxury on the Florida coast, want to move into our guest house? In the podunk town of Lakey, Virginia?
Betty: They don’t have much of a choice. Jeanette’s kids don’t really have the room for them.
Teri: Randy and Jack are wealthy, can’t they just lend them money to buy a new place?
Betty: Jeanette won’t take a handout.
Jerry: I respect that.
Tammi: Is this not a handout, though?
Betty: This is an opportunity to let them get back on their feet. Not a handout.
Ralph: I welcome them. Finally, we’re adding a few more sane people to the mix. I’m sick of having to spend so much time with a bunch of insane people.
Teri: As if you’re the picture of sanity.
Ralph: You all made me this way!
Steven: You promise they’re moving into the guest house, right? I don’t have to go back to my old room?
Betty: No! Mitchell and Velma were very insistent that you and Alysa get their room, so the baby can inherit your old room eventually. Jeanette and Rick will stay in the guest house, probably just for a few months, and that’ll be all. Heck, we probably won’t even see them all the time. They’re quite independent.
Tammi: And they’re always on vacation.
Frank: Something tells me that’s going to change.
Tammi: Oh, right.
Cindy: What if Zeke needs a place to stay? You know how rocky his relationship with Amelia can be.
Betty: My sister needs me, Cindy. I can’t not help just because Zeke might need a place to stay. We have a basement, he can stay there if he’s in dire need.
Cindy: Well, the guest house used to be his.
Betty: Used to be! It’s been vacant for years, aside from when relatives come to visit.
Teri: No one even comes to visit us anymore. We’re too boring.
Betty: Someone’s about to, so we’d better get that guest house in tip-top shape!
Jerry: I’ve sort of been storing lawn tools in there.
Betty: We have a shed for that!
Jerry: The shed’s all the way on the other side of the yard. I have to walk past the pool, and through the mud…
Betty: I don’t even know what to say.
One week later…
Betty: I’m off to the airport to pick up our new guests! Anyone want to come with? Perhaps someone young and strong who can help with luggage?
Frank: I’ll c-
Betty: I’m good.
Frank: I knew she’d say that.
Betty: Oh, you think you’re so clever? You want to brag about pulling one over on old Betty? Get your ass in the car, Frank.
Frank: That backfired.
Teri: Thank god.
Karl: Is the house ready for them?
Cindy: We’ve done a lot of cleaning. It’s in great shape, they’re going to be very happy there.
Karl: Not too happy, please. We don’t need them staying forever.
Ralph: I’d be fine with that.
Karl: I would not be.
Cindy: What? Why not?
Karl: They’re retired. I’m mostly retired. They always want to go somewhere, do something. I want to just stay home and tend to my garden and the yard. When they’re around, I have to go around doing nonsense I don’t want to.
Teri: I think it’ll be a bit different when they’re living here than when they’re just here for a week.
Karl: I’m not holding my breath. They’re good people, but they’re a handful.
Teri: Better than you can say about Frank.
Frank: Okay, I think I’ve been mocked enough.
Teri: Oh, I plan on teaching Jeanette and Rick all the ways to get under your skin. If they’re here for good, they’re getting in on all the family jokes.
Frank: “Jokes.”
Teri: It’s funny for me!
Betty: Just get in the car, Frank.
Frank: Will do.
At the airport…
Betty: Welcome home!
Jeanette: God, don’t say that.
Rick: It’s cold!
Betty: It’s seasonally appropriate. A little chill, but not so bad.
Rick: Not for Florida! I need my winter jacket!
Frank: You have a winter jacket? You’re from Florida.
Rick: What’s this guy’s problem?
Betty: I wish we knew.
Jeanette: In spite of my bad attitude, I truly appreciate what you’re doing for us, Bet.
Betty: It’s no problem. Sisters do this for one another. You let us stay at your place.
Jeanette: Not like this!
Betty: You paid for us to fly down to Florida so we could be there for Aunt Katarina’s 100th birthday.
Jeanette: That was nothing.
Rick: I wish we had that “nothing” now, though.
Betty: What did happen to cause you to go broke, by the way?
Rick: It was a series of poor investments and stock purchases.
Jeanette: All his fault! Okay, a little bit mine, too. Mostly his!
Rick: We’re in ti together. And now we’re out of it together, down $3 million.
Betty: Hey, you’ve got each other, and that’s a lot.
Rick: Thanks, Bon Jovi.
Betty: I was hoping you wouldn’t know I was ripping him off.
Rick: Who doesn’t know Bon Jovi?
Betty: You’re from Florida, I figured Jimmy Buffett was more my speed.
Rick: Too depressing. I can’t afford a margarita anymore, let alone a yacht, which is the only place to listen to his music on.
Betty: Well, you have a home now, and a family that loves you and is excited to see you. No need to be depressed.
Rick: I miss the ocean already.
Betty: We’re not that far away.
Rick: From Virginia Beach…
Betty: What’s wrong with Virginia Beach?
Rick: If you like it, you’re allowed to.
Betty: That didn’t answer the question.
Rick: In don’t want to rain on your parade.
Frank: How many suitcases do you guys have?
Jeanette: Hey, we had to haul most of what we own. The rest is on a U-Haul coming up from Florida.
Betty: Yeah, Frank. What a stupid comment.
Frank: I was just -
Betty: Don’t even.
Back at the house…
Teri: Oh, welcome! It’s so good to have you!
Jeanette: We’re really grateful for this generosity. You’re just so dear.
Teri: It’s no trouble at all.
Cindy: Certainly not for Teri. She doesn’t do much around here.
Jeanette: I’m sure that’s not true.
Ralph: Do you have any idea how long you’re going to be here? Just trying to get a headcount for Thanksgiving.
Jeanette: It’s a safe bet we’ll be here then. But no need to worry about us.
Ralph: You’re some of the few here that I like. I’ll certainly be cooking for you.
Jeanette: You’re so funny!
Danielle: Oh, he’s not joking.
Alysa: Hey, don’t forget to include my mom in the headcount. She’ll definitely be here.’
Betty: And that’s something I’m very happy about, because we’re great pals now!
Rick: You can really tell from the strained look on your face.
Betty: I’m trying my best here. Cut me some slack.
Jeanette: Wow, kid. You’ve really filled out since we last saw you! When’s your due date.
Rick: Honey, you can’t ask that anymore! It’s not polite to assume a woman is pregnant just because she’s shapely.
Alysa: I’m due in a few weeks.
Steven: Specifically, November 6.
Cindy: And the baby’s going to be an Episcopalian, which we’re all THRILLED about!
Teri: God, it feels like she’s been knocked up forever.
Jeanette: She was pregnant the last time we saw all of you!
Rick: Not quite this pregnant…
Jeanette: Of course not, she’d be about fifteen months along in that case.
Alysa: I feel about sixteen months along.
Karl: But enough about us! You two had a very long flight, let’s get you settled into your new place.
Rick: It’s almost dinner time, you wouldn’t mind showing us a nice restaurant, would you?
Karl On a Wednesday?
Rick: Sorry, I’m still getting used to being poor.
Frank: Isn't it funny how we just had two members of the family move out of here and go off to Florida and now we've got two members of the family moving out of Florida and in here?
Rick: I don't know if "funny" is the right word exactly.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read a new episode next week!
