Betty is sitting in front of the TV.
Betty: Ah!
Teri: Mom, what are you doing?
Tammi: Isn’t she supposed to be ate work? It’s a Saturday, that’s her busy day.
Danielle: She decided to take today off as a personal day.
Tammi: Lovely.
Betty: It’s Halloween, girls. I’m enjoying the season!
Teri: You’re out here screaming.
Betty: The point of Halloween is getting a good scare, no?
Frank: For me, it’s always been more about getting candy.
Betty: Well you’re painfully dull.
Frank: It’s dull to like candy? It’s Halloween!
Betty: It’s dull not to enjoy a good horror movie!
Tammi: I love a horror movie. Frank puts up with them.
Teri: They aren’t too satanic for you guys?
Tammi: I’m not a prude. I have fun.
Teri: Sure you do.
Tammi: What’s your favorite scary movie?
Teri: Scream.
Tammi: Mine’s Halloween.
Teri: Also a classic, depending on which version you’re referring to.
Tammi: The original, obviously.
Betty: Could you guys be quiet? I’m trying to enjoy being frightened, and the background chitchat is very distracting.
Teri: Oh, sorry. God forbid we check on the screaming elderly woman to make sure she’s all right.
Betty: I’m fine. Now, either join me for my movie, or move your conversation elsewhere.
Tammi: What are you watching?
Betty: I don’t know, some cheesy garbage with cheap scares.
Tammi: Ah, Friday the 13th.
Ralph: Friday the 13th is not cheap. It’s camp!
Tammi: It’s crap.
Ralph: Tomato, tomahto.
Tammi: Who says it “tomahto,” anyway?
Ralph: Morons?
Later that day, Jerry, Steven, and Karl come home.
Betty: Ah! Ghost!
Teri: Mom, that’s a shadow.
Betty: You sure?
Teri: Yes. I see the people casting it right now. They’re our family members, not Michael Myers or Jason.
Jerry: Wasn’t today great without Betty around to boss us around? She should have days off more often.
Teri: No, she should not!
Cindy: Dad, I’m so sorry.
Karl: What am I walking into?
Cindy: We let her spend all day watching scary movies.
Tammi: And some ghost hunting show.
Cindy: She’s now convinced the house is haunted.
Jerry: Is she eight?
Danielle: Every creak of the floorboards, every time the heat kicks in, every unaccounted shadow or sudden motion. It’s been a day.
Betty: They made good points.
Karl: Who? Alfred Hitchcock?
Betty: The ghost hunter people. They said more homes are haunted than people realize, and then they listed all the common signs that you have a haunting.
Teri: it was a list of common household sounds. They’re scammers. They know the best way to get people to want to tune in is if they think their house is haunted, too. It’s ridiculous.
Karl: Honey, you have nothing to be afraid of. Ghosts aren’t real!
Cindy: Ghosts are real.
Karl: Oh boy. Jerry, make her recognize reality
Jerry: I agree with her. Totally real. I just don’t think they’re all out to get you. Most are benign.
Betty: I don’t either! But you never know. That’s why you can’t help but be a little scared when you hear a bump in the night.
Teri: First of all, it’s the daytime.
Betty: Barely! It’s almost sundown!
Cindy: Mom, I think it’s time to just turn off the scary stuff and get your mind elsewhere.
Steven: I wanted to watch something scary! It’s almost Halloween!
Cindy: Steven, your grandmother can’t handle it right now. You can watch Halloweentown or Hotel Transylvania. Something that won’t give her a stroke.
Steven: Those are for babies!
Teri: I’d say that you’re just a baby, but then I remembered you’re having a baby…
Ralph: He’s eighteen, that’s almost starting late by the standards of this family.
Danielle: And then there’s Teri.
Teri: You be quiet!
Betty: I don’t need to be babied. I’m fine. Really, I am.
Cindy: I set a pot down on the counter and the slamming noise made you jump a foot into the air.
Betty: Who among us hasn’t jumped into the air when frightened?
Teri: You looked like a cartoon character.
Betty: That’s not very nice.
Teri: It’s called honesty! Sometimes, honesty isn’t too nice.
Steven’s phone rings.
Betty: Oh my god, what the hell is that?
Steven: It’s my phone.
Betty: That music is terrifying!
Steven: It’s the Halloween theme.
Betty: I’m being haunted!
Teri: Yeah, you’re fine. It’s a ringtone. You’ll live.
Later that night…
Betty: Karl…
Karl doesn’t answer.
Betty: Karl!
Karl still doesn’t answer.
Betty: KARL!!!
Betty grabs Karl and starts shaking him as he wakes up.
Karl: What?
Betty: I thought you were dead!
Karl: Why would you think that?
Betty: I thought maybe the ghosts got you!
Karl: Ghosts aren’t real, go back to bed.
Betty: I hear something!
Karl: It’s an old house. Floorboards creak, pipes make strange noises, the heat acts up. No need to be so concerned.
Betty: It’s ten years old!
Karl: Exactly why it wouldn’t be haunted!
Betty: Homes aren’t just haunted by the spirits that roamed the same halls. The property has always existed, I’m sure plenty of things happened on this exact land.
Karl: Go to sleep.
Betty: I’m scared! I hear things!
Karl: What do you want me to do about it?
Betty: Help me check for ghosts!
Karl: Betty, I think they say this is a symptom of dementia.
Betty: I’m not crazy. I’m scared. Help me be less scared!
Karl: What’s the plan here? We find a ghost and call Bill Murray?
Betty: Don’t be silly.
Karl: I’m really not sure what the plan is. How about we go to bed? The ghosts can’t hurt us, mainly because they do not exist.
Betty: It’s possible there aren’t ghosts haunting the house right now. In that case, I can sleep peacefully.
Karl: How do you even tell?
Betty: Just come with me while I check the house.
Karl: If it makes you feel better, I’ll do it. I could use a trip to the bathroom at this point, too.
Betty: The bathroom may be haunted, don’t go in there without being ready.
Karl: This ghost phase had better not last long. This is not happening every night.
Betty and Karl walk downstairs.
Karl: See nothing, back to bed.
Betty: I hear moaning.
Karl: I don’t think that’s a ghost.
Betty: What is it then?
Karl: I don’t want to say it, I don’t want to think about it.
Betty: What are you implying?
Karl: When a man and a woman love each other very much -
Betty: At 3 AM?
Karl: Betty, I don’t care. We should be in bed. Nothing is the matter.
Betty: The moaning! The ghost wants to be heard.
Steven: Is someone out here?
Karl: Look what you’ve done, you’ve woken the kids up on a school night.
Steven: Oh, we’ve been up. Alysa’s feeling pains.
Alysa: Did I wake you guys up? I’ve been cramping all night, I think it’s Braxton Hicks. I just feel awful and I can’t help but moan and groan.
Karl: I told you it’s not a ghost.
Alysa: I feel like I’ve missed something.
Steven: Nothing important.
Karl: She thinks the house is haunted. She apparently can no longer handle Halloween.
Alysa: Hey, I can’t judge. I’m also overly emotional right now.
Karl: You’re creating life. She watched too many scary ghost shows.
Betty: There’s a hospital in California with demonic ghosts disguising themselves as little girls!
Karl: Good thing we’re in Virginia, then.
Betty: I’m telling you, there are ghosts in this house.
Steven: I’m sure none of them are harmful, if they are here. Don’t be scared.
Betty: Are you a ghost expert?
Steven: I love horror movies and freaky stuff.
Alysa: He does. He has a Michael Myers mask on our dresser. I almost went into labor when I woke up in the middle of the night and saw it there.
Betty: But what do you know about ghosts?
Karl: They’re not real?
Steven: Most aren’t harmful. You don’t need to be scared until one of them gives you a reason to be.
Betty: But I want to be prepared.
Steven: For what?
Betty: The evil ones!
Steven: Just go to sleep, they won’t hurt you.
Karl: You’d think this is a conversation a grandmother is having with her grandson. But no, it’s a grandson giving his grandmother advice. How’d I get so lucky?
The next morning…
Betty: Oh my god!
Teri: You have to stop doing that.
Betty: This ghost decoration, it was on the mantle. It’s on the coffee table now. Something moved it overnight!
Teri: Not this again…
Karl: You should’ve been there last night! She woke me up at 3 AM because she heard ghosts! It was Alysa, moaning from the pain of Braxton Hicks contractions.
Cindy: Those are much scarier than any “ghosts.”
Teri: Mom, you are too old to be acting like this. I get it’s fun to pretend ghosts exist at Halloween, but this is excessive. The house is not haunted.
Betty: How do you explain the decoration being moved? And it’s a ghost, of all things!
Frank: I think I might’ve moved it. I probably bumped it off the mantle and didn’t know where it went.
Teri: Of course this is your fault. It always is.
Ralph: I think it’s okay for her to believe in ghosts. It’s better than her believing in something nonsensical, like Christianity.
Cindy: Why are you like this? Do you not want to go to heaven?
Ralph: Its not real, so I can’t say I care!
Cindy: It is real!
Tammi: Anyway, our church is having a Halloween haunted hayride this weekend for anyone that’s interested!
Teri: I don’t know if mom is in the right headspace to be going a “haunted hayride.”
Betty: You’re all talking about me like I’m some lunatic! I can go to fun hayride hosted by a church! I can go out into civilization. Just because I’m aware of the ghosts that surround us doesn’t mean I need to be locked up and kept away from people!
Teri: Okay, fine by me. Not like I’m going.
Jerry: If you do go, please don’t point out that we’re related.
Cindy: Just don’t go screaming about ghosts. That’s all I ask.
Betty: Not every place is haunted. Just our house. Those bumps in the night are ghosts!
Ralph: My god…
Karl: If you keep going on about this, I am going to take you to a therapist.
Betty: I’ll stop! I’ll keep my fears inside. That’s a very healthy way to go about life, no?
Jerry: Works for me! I don’t hear about it, not my problem!
Karl: Works for me, too. I want to sleep through the night.
A picture falls from the wall.
Betty: See? Haunted!
Jerry: The adhesive on the 3M strip probably just lost its grip. You did make us move it six times, and that was almost a decade ago!
Betty: Right now? The ghosts are clearly working overtime to convince me that they’re real! I know you’re real, you can stop!
Teri: I’m throwing that picture out for disturbing my peace.
Danielle: I bought that for her for Christmas!
Teri: So it’s your fault!
Danielle: I prefer when we’re blaming Frank.
Teri: So do I. Let’s just blame him for this, too.
Frank: That is just unfair!
Teri: Life’s unfair!
Two hours later, after Betty goes to work…
Teri: We have to teach her a lesson.
Danielle: What do you mean by that?
Teri: She keeps talking about ghosts, we’re gonna give her ghosts.
Cindy: I’m confused.
Alysa: I’m too pregnant for this.
Cindy: Why are you not at school?
Alysa: I can’t fit behind the desk anymore.
Tammi: They let you call out for that?
Alysa: Wait a second… why are you not at school, Principal Delacroix?
Cindy: Even principals get personal days.
Danielle: Early Halloween break?
Cindy: No, but that does remind me to take off then, too. Kids get so weird at Halloween.
Teri: God forbid they enjoy candy and fun festivities.
Cindy: They’re in their mid and late teens now. They’re creepy about it.
Teri: Anyhow, speaking of creepy… we need to give mom the scare of her life.
Ralph: Are we trying to give her a stroke? She’s a very old woman.
Teri: Oh, please, she’s made of titanium. She’ll outlive us all.
Danielle: What’s the plan here?
Teri: We stage a haunting. Hide out of her line of sight and pull on things with string to make it look like it’s moving, make banging noises upstairs, move some of the decorations around, flicker the lights…
Cindy: This borders on elder abuse, but I’m in. Maybe it’ll convince her of how ridiculous all of this is.
Ralph: When are we doing all this?
Teri: Today. Let’s get this over with now. I can’t take one more day of talking about the damn ghosts in this house. She acts like we moved into the Haunted Mansion and she thinks they’re trying to make her the 1,000th soul.
Later that day…
Betty: Hello… anyone home?
Karl: When is anyone ever busy?
Betty: Why can’t I turn the lights on? Actually… why are the lights not on?
The lights switch on.
Betty: That was odd. I didn’t even touch it.
Karl: There’s surely a very simple explanation. Maybe someone else turned it on and you just can’t see where they’re standing. There is another switch for this room in the hallw-
Betty: Karl! The table’s moving!
Karl: It is?
Betty: Yes!
Karl: Admittedly, that is o-
Betty: Oh my god!
Karl: What now?
Betty: There’s a pool of blood on the floor! It’s the ghosts! I told you they weren’t nice ghosts! They killed… I don’t know who, but someone! Everyone’s -
There’s a loud stomping sound upstairs.
Betty: The ghosts are angry!
Karl: Yeah. Sure they are.
Betty: Listen! They’re stomping around! They’re probably coming down to get us and finish the job!
Karl: You think this is all the work of ghosts?
Five pictures fall off the wall at the same time.
Betty: Karl! I’m scared! We need to leave!
Karl: What about the others?
Betty: They’re dead, there’s no use trying to save them! We have to save ourselves!
The lights flicker off again and the basement door swings open.
Betty: Ghosts, I come in peace! I forgive you for killing my family. I know you didn’t mean to!
The CD player turns on and begins playing Spooky by Dusty Springfield.
Karl: We have a Dusty Springfield CD?
Betty: The ghosts can play any song they want! We need to go!
Karl: I like this song, this isn’t so bad.
One of Betty’s Halloween decorations falls from the balcony above.
Betty: Now they’re coming for my decorations! Now I’m pissed!
The phone rings.
Karl: Is that the ghosts, too?
Betty: Could be!
Teri (on phone): Mom… help… It’s… the ghosts…
Karl: Ah, now I see.
Betty: See what?
Karl: The call is coming from inside the house.
Betty: Don’t say that, that’s such a scary phrase!
Karl: Come on out, you’ve all made your point.
Betty: Don’t invite the ghosts out!
Everyone leaves their hiding spot and reveals themselves to Betty.
Teri: We were just messing with you!
Betty: Oh my god, you’re all ghosts!
Teri: No, we’re mortal. We were pranking you.
Betty: You made the table move!
Teri: Come carefully-placed string.
Betty: The blood?
Teri: Corn syrup and red food dye.
Betty: And the lights?
Ralph: My contribution!
Betty: What was this all about? Just to make me look foolish?
Teri: I guess a little. But really, we just wanted to show you that you don’t have to be afraid of everything, because there’s an easy explanation for everything. Nothing supernatural, just something caused by humans one way or another.
Betty: You guys really got me good!
Teri: It’s Halloween. Everyone’s entitled to one good scare.
Betty: You’re cleaning all this up.
Teri: I figured.
Betty: Hey, how’d you guys get the pictures to all fall at the same time?
Teri: Pictures? We didn’t do anything with the pictures.
Betty: I told you! Ghosts are real!
Danielle: I choose to blame it on Frank.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read a new episode next week!
