Raymond Island Season 5, Episode 9
Gretchen walks through her front door.
Gretchen: Guess what!
Lucinda: You finally passed that housing bill?
Gretchen: Not yet!
Lucinda: How long does it take?
Gretchen: Hank just has to whip a few more votes in the house and we’ll be home free.
Anthony: So what’s the big news?
Christina: Yeah, what is it?
Gretchen: Oh my god, I forgot you’re home for the summer!
Christina: You have a lot on your mind, I can’t blame you. For example, you’ve apparently got some big news that you have yet to share with us.
Gretchen: I never said it was big news. Just news. But, anyway, Carol, Susana and I signed up to run the Newport Marathon.
Lucinda: Why in the heck would you do that?
Gretchen: Marathons are fun!
Lucinda: Are they?
Gretchen: They seem fun, at least. I’ve never run one. That’s why me and the girls are gonna start trainmen for this one. It’s important to be prepared.
Anthony: When’s the marathon?
Gretchen: Two weeks!
Anthony: You think that’s enough time?
Gretchen: It’s going to have to be.
Anthony: You don’t have to run this marathon if you’re not ready. There will be others.
Gretchen: No, I’ll be ready. I’m in fine shape.
Christina: I, for one, am really impressed that she’s pushing herself like this. Most of us are perfectly content never going outside our comfort zone, but mom’s about to put herself through literal agony just for the sake of challenging herself.
Lucinda: Well, when you put it that way, it does sound slightly less insane. I am genuinely impressed that she’s trying, you’re just not ever going to see me doing it.
Christina: She didn’t ask you to do it, did she?
Lucinda: No, and why the hell not? Do you not think I’m fit enough?
Gretchen: Mom, I’m not doing this.
Lucinda: Oh my god, she doesn’t! She thinks I’m too frail!
Anthony: You are! I’m not even fully convinced she isn’t! A marathon is really tough work.
Gretchen: Well thanks for having faith in me!
Anthony: I didn’t mean it like that.
Gretchen: No, I know perfectly well how you meant it! You don’t believe I can do it, and I’m gonna prove you wrong.
Anthony: I believe that if you put your mind to it, you will do it.
Lucinda: Nice backpedal.
Anthony: I don’t hear you saying you think she’ll do it either!
Lucinda: Yeah, well, I don’t. I have no problem saying how I feel, I don’t have to worry about sleeping on the couch tonight.
Gretchen: Well, anyway, we’re going shopping for some workout clothes, and then we’re going to eat, so just go ahead and eat without me.
Lucinda: Well, we’re not gonna wait to eat until tomorrow, for course we’ll eat without you!
Gretchen: Weren’t you trying to be nicer?
Lucinda: I gave up on that, too hard.
Christina: It’s good to be home.
One week later…
Jeanne: Raymond! What are you doing here?
Gretchen: What are you doing here?
Jeanne: I come here for a run every day after work. Never seen you here! And why are you dressed like Sue Sylvester?
Carol: I think she looks stylish!
Jeanne: You would.
Gretchen: I needed some appropriate running cloths and I didn’t want anything too tight. I’m the governor, I can’t be out here dressing like I’m Jane Fonda.
Jeanne: A tracksuit, though? Come on.
Gretchen: What’s it matter to you?
Jeanne: I just think our governor should try to not dress like a member of the Russian mafia. That’s all. So, what are you three doing working out? One of you got high blood pressure or something?
Gretchen: We have signed up for the Newport marathon, and we’re getting in shape for it.
Jeanne: Oh, wow! That’s… an interesting move.
Gretchen: Why do people keep reacting like that?
Jeanne: Like what?
Gretchen: Like you doubt that I can do it.
Jeanne: I’ve never been one to hold your hand and gently tell you how great I think you are, why would I start now?
Gretchen: Is there something about me that makes you all think I can’t run a marathon?
Jeanne: Like I said, I’ve never seen you walking here at the park. In fact, I didn’t even know you owned a pair of sneakers before today.
Gretchen: You like ‘em? They’re new.
Jeanne: See, that’s my point. You’re clearly a newbie at this, marathon’s are tough work. This seems like a bit of a delayed-onset midlife crisis to me.
Gretchen: So getting healthy is a criss now? You’re just saying that because you’ve wanted me to kick the bucket ever since I beat you in the primary!
Jeanne: It’s a sudden, major life change you’ve made, with an insanely optimistic end goal that’s almost impossible to achieve. If that’s not a midlife crisis, I don’t know what is.
Carol: It’s not a midlife crisis! We’re just doing it because it’s fun.
Jeanne: Ah, yes, fun, that’s the word I associate with marathons.
Susana: It was my idea! Are you going to insinuate I’m having a midlife crisis?
Jeanne: Well, you’re young and fit! It’s a realistic goal for you! Rose and Dorothy over there, not so much.
Susana: Aww, thank you! I didn’t realize you could say nice things!
Carol: It wasn’t really that nice when you think about it.
Susana: It was nice to me.
Carol: Is that all that matters?
Jeanne: Well, I should leave you three be, you clearly have a lot to work out and a lot of training to squeeze in by next week. Good luck, ladies!
Gretchen: Hey, wait! Have you talked to Hank lately?
Carol: She’s gone, Gretch. Just be glad you get some time away from her.
Gretchen: Well, I would’ve liked to know if that housing bill is any closer to passing.
Carol: It hasn’t gotten any closer in the last week, why would that change now?
Gretchen: What else does he have to do? It’s Rhode Island, nothing happens here?
Susana: Maybe he’s been going to Del’s Lemonade.
Gretchen: Every day? All day?
Susana: Hey, when I go to Del’s, it’s a day-long affair.
Gretchen: What the hell are you doing at Del’s?
Susana: Enjoying heaven.
Carol: We can talk about the bill later, let’s just get this run in.
Gretchen: Yeah, people can wait until after our marathon training for affordable housing!
Carol: Us yapping about it isn’t going to change the minds of the remaining holdouts, so we may as well do something productive with our own lives.
Gretchen: You raise a good point, we might as well do something with our time rather than just moping. But, uh, let’s go in a different direction from where Jeanne went. I can’t deal with seeing her again.
Carol: Good point.
One week later…
Gretchen: All right, gang. It’s almost time for the marathon. Now, I don’t know how long this is going to take, but it’ll be at least five hours. You don’t have to wait for us at the finish line.
Lucinda: Good, wasn’t planning on it.
Anthony hits Lucinda with his elbow.
Lucinda: What the hell was that for?
Christina: You had to ask?
Toby: Does this mean we’re allowed to hit each other now?
Lucinda: Good going, Anthony!
Gretchen: All right, I have to go get in line for the marathon. I’ll see you guys in a few hours at the finish line.
Anthony: Good luck, babe, I know you’re gonna kill it.
Lucinda: He’s just humoring you, he knows y-
Anthony: Shut the hell up, she doesn’t need this right before her big marathon!
Lucinda: Oh, she’s walking, big deal!
Gretchen: Wow, she’s back and more hateful than ever, folks!
Carol: Gretchen, it’s time.
Gretchen: I’m coming, I’m coming!
Lucinda: Well, try not to die. Have fun. See you at ten.
Gretchen: It’s not gonna be fourteen hours!
Lucinda: Yeah, it’s gonna be more like midnight.
Gretchen: Okay, I’m going. Anthony, hit her again for me.
Toby: Let me do it!
Lucinda: You would never
Gretchen: Yeah, Toby, don’t.
Toby: Why not?
Gretchen: You stay pure.
Three hours later…
Gretchen: Wow, I am bone tired.
Carol: Your bones did what with a tire?
Gretchen: I’m very tired!
Carol: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. We’re not used to this.
Susana: Why did I think this would be fun?
Gretchen: The first hour was fun.
Carol: Of course you think that, people kept stopping you for pictures. We had to just stand around like idiots.
Susana: I enjoyed it, I could tell it made Gretchen feel pretty good about herself, and I think that’s important.
Carol: Don’t be a kiss-ass.
Susana: Mom! I’m not a kiss-ass! I’m honest. Gretchen deserves that celebrity treatment.
Gretchen: Guys, I don’t know if I can keep going.
Susana: Of course you can!
Gretchen: I don’t mean it in that I don’t believe in myself. I mean it in that I feel unwell.
Carol: We’re all tired, you can get through it.
Gretchen: Carol, no. I know my body, something’s wrong.
Carol: Do you want to find a medic?
Gretchen: I think so.
Susana: What’s wrong?
Gretchen: I feel tightness in my chest and I can’t breathe right. Before you say anything, it’s far more extreme than it usually is during exercise.
Carol: What do you think’s happening?
Gretchen: Nothing good.
Susana: Well they do say no pain, no gain.
Gretchen: In this case, I think the pain could kill me.
Carol: All right, gimme your hand, we’re gonna find a medic.
Gretchen: Thank you.
Susana: You don’t look good at all, you’re so pale.
Gretchen: Inspiring words.
Susana: I don’t mean it that way. I mean it to say that I agree that you need medical attention.
Gretchen: Susana, do me a favor.
Susana: Anything.
Gretchen: Call Anthony, tell him what’s up and not to worry.
Susana: Not to worry?
Gretchen: Tell him it’s not a big deal, but to meet us at the hospital. I don’t need him worrying before he has to.
Carol: There’s a medic!
Gretchen: Ah, my guardian angel!
Carol: You’re gonna stay with me, George Bailey! The world needs you!
In the waiting room at Newport Hospital…
Toby: Dad, is mom gonna die?
Lucinda: Don’t say that! Your father doesn’t need to worry about that!
Anthony: No, it’s a good question. I think she’ll be okay, she said it was nothing to worry about.
Lucinda: I will be so mad at her if she’s not okay.
Christina: You’re always mad at her.
Lucinda: That is not true.
Christina: You are so unfair to her! You criticize her like crazy, she feels like she can’t do anything right!
Lucinda: You think I don’t know that? If something happens to her, the last thing I ever told her was that I thought it’d take her a full day to finish a marathon!
Christina: Well, she never finished it, so you were more generous than reality.
Lucinda: Don’t say it like that!
Christina: Well, mom’s a screwup, I’m sure you’re disappointed in her all over again!
Lucinda: Why are you acting like this?
Anthony: Neither of you are helping matters any.
Christina: You didn’t believe in her, either! I’m sure you’re about to lecture us about how you knew better!
Anthony: I don’t do that!
Carol: Oh, would you all shut up? We are in a hospital, surrounded by people who are scared, lonely, and fearing for their lives and their loves ones’ lives! I know you are just as scared as the rest, but that does not give you the right to turn this place into a verbal WWE SmackDown! I can’t stand to watch you all fight while god knows what’s happening in there to mom best friend, your mother, your wife, your daughter. She would not want this. What’s happening to her is tragic and scary, but it’s not supposed to be an opportunity to make digs at one another! My god! I’m going to get a soda, you guys figure this out and calm down. We can’t support her properly when there’s this much negativity.
Lucinda: I don’t know who you think y-
Christina: No. She’s right. We have to drop the animosity and send positive thoughts to her. It’s what she needs.
Doctor: Are you Gretchen Raymond’s family?
Anthony: Yes! How is she?
Doctor: The governor suffered a minor heart attack caused by a partial heart blockage and triggered by overworking her heart during the marathon.
Anthony: A heart attack? Will she be okay?
Doctor: We are preparing her for an emergency bypass surgery.
Lucinda: Emergency? I thought it was a minor heart attack.
Doctor: That particular heart attack won’t be fatal, but the blockage itself has major potential to be fatal, so it must be dealt with accordingly. The surgery is not without risks, she understands those and wants to go through with it.
Anthony: What are her odds of getting through this.
Doctor: Complications can always arise during any surgery, but she is an excellent candidate for a full recovery. I believe she will make it through without much trouble.
Anthony: Well, this is a lot to take in, but I appreciate you telling us.
Doctor: I will keep you updated, the surgery will last a few hours.
Christina: We’ll be waiting with bated breath throughout that.
Carol: What’s going on? What’s happening? Why’s everyone huddled?
Susana: She’s getting surgery, it was a minor heart attack.
Carol: Oh, god. Well, let’s just keep up the positive thoughts.
Three days later…
Gretchen: Who the hell is there?
Samantha: Me!
Gretchen: Oh, look, the acting governor!
Samantha: How the hell are you?
Gretchen: Well, my chest has been cut open and they had to shift my arteries around or something, so I’ve been better. Still, I’ve had worse starts to my summer.
Samantha: When?
Gretchen: Eh, high school boy trouble.
Samantha: That was worse than major heart surgery?
Gretchen: To high school me? Absolutely. So, how have you been enjoying serving as governor again?
Samantha: This is going to shock you, but I’ve been too busy worrying about you to enjoy it.
Gretchen: Aww, you do like me!
Samantha: Never tell anyone!
Gretchen: Your secret’s safe with me.
Samantha: I just never would’ve imagined you, of all people, having a bum ticker. You’ve always seemed so healthy and so vital.
Gretchen: I’m fine! It was that marathon that did me in, I’ve been told it’s extremely vigorous and grueling.
Samantha: My mom ran that marathon, Gretchen! She won for her age group! She didn’t have a heart attack during or after it!
Gretchen: Then your mom’s pretty amazing.
Samantha: I agree! But I’m also very concerned about your heart! You need to keep yourself healthy, the office is no fun without you.
Gretchen: That is deeply touching, I do appreciate the kind words.
Christina: Hey, mom! Am I interrupting anything?
Samantha: Oh, no, just checking up on her, bringing her this teddy bear.
Gretchen: I didn’t even see the bear!
Samantha: It says “Get well beary soon.”
Gretchen: “Cute.”
Samantha: Don’t say it with such disgust.
Gretchen: Well, I’m not eight.
Christina: Anyway, mom, the doctors called and said that you’re doing very well and that they’re going to discharge you tonight. I, of course, have no patience and rushed here.
Gretchen: Oh, thank god I get to home. That bitch nurse, who is surely a Republican, won’t let me have the remote and the TV’s stuck on Fox News.
Samantha: I’d rather be dead.
Gretchen: I said the same thing many times!
Christina: Did the nurses not come by to prep you for discharge?
Gretchen: No, like I said, I think my nurse has it out for me.
Christina: I’ll go ask them to get it started.
Samantha: I’ll get going then. I’ll see you at the office soon then?
Christina: Not for at least a month! She needs rest!
Gretchen: I’ll see you Monday.
Christina: A Monday in early July.
Samantha: I’ll be seeing you.
Gretchen: In all the old familiar places!
Anthony: Hey, ready to go home?
Gretchen: Can we stop for ice cream on the way?
Christina: Mother! That’s horrible for your heart!
Gretchen: Anthony, we have to return her to sender. I’m the governor, the college has to take her back.
Anthony: She’s right.
Gretchen: Well, they shouldn’t make it so delicious if it’s so bad!
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
