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Gretchen is laying on the couch in her living room.
Lucinda: Do you not have work today?
Gretchen: I have a headache.
Lucinda: So does that mean no work? You just gonna hope Rhode Island governs itself today?
Gretchen: Mom, it’s six in the morning. I have time to relax.
Lucinda: Wow, you’re right. It felt later. I apologize. Have you eaten anything?
Gretchen: No.
Lucinda: Do you have an appetite?
Gretchen: Not really.
Lucinda: I’m going to make you a piece of toast so you can take some ibuprofen. It’ll get that head feeling better and you’ll be ready for the day!
Gretchen: Wow, thank you, mom.
Lucinda: Why do you sound so surprised? I’m your mother! It’s my job to take care of you.
Gretchen: Do you want something?
Lucinda: Of course not! I just love you!
Gretchen: That’s new.
Anthony: Lucinda, put the bottle of pills down!
Lucinda: Huh?
Anthony: You are not poisoning my wife on my watch!
Lucinda: She has a headache! And your shouting’s not helping her any!
Anthony: Is this true?
Gretchen: Yes. I’m as surprised as you are that my mother is actually acting like a mother and not a Russian figure skating coach.
Anthony: There has to be some sort of ulterior motive.
Lucinda: You think I need a motive in order to help nurse my daughter back to health?
Anthony: It’s the first time I’ve ever seen you do it, so… yeah.
Lucinda: I am offended! I just love my daughter and want her to heal.
Gretchen: You didn’t seem to are too much when you nearly ripped my head off when you saw me here and asked if the state would be governing itself.
Lucinda: It’s early, I was cranky, I’d just gotten up. It happens to all of us.
Gretchen: Sure.
Lucinda: I do have something to tell you, though.
Gretchen: Okay, here it is! She’s buttering me up, she’s probably about to tell me I’m adopted or something.
Lucinda: No! I still have the scar from my cesarean!
Gretchen: That could be from Mary or Eddie!
Lucinda: The only reason they were c-sections is because of you!
Gretchen: I don’t think that’s fair.
Anthony: Looks like the real Lucinda’s waking up finally.
Gretchen: She’s always up before me, maybe it takes an good half-hour for the evil within to awaken.
Lucinda: Do you want this bagel or not?
Gretchen: I thought you were making toast.
Lucinda: Plans change! Speaking of plans, you got any for, say, this Friday?
Gretchen: What do you want?
Anthony: We’re getting to the root cause of her semi-kindness.
Lucinda: I am a very nice person.
Anthony: I wish Christina were here to see this. She’d be shocked you have jokes!
Lucinda: Gretchen, the good folks of Better Homes & Gardens called and asked if you’d be interested in appearing in the magazine and giving them a tour of the house. I sort of said yes.
Gretchen: Why would you do that?
Lucinda: I don’t know!
Gretchen: You don’t like being bothered by people!
Lucinda: I know!
Gretchen: It would be nice if I could be consulted about whether or not I’m getting signed up for magazine appearances.
Toby: Do magazines still exist?
Anthony: Toby, what are you doing up? It’s so early!
Toby: I had to pee.
Lucinda: It just gets worse the older you get, kid. Enjoy that bladder while you got it.
Gretchen: You have to get up in an hour for school, head back to bed.
Toby: Okay!
Gretchen: So back to yelling at you.
Lucinda: I thought your head hurt.
Gretchen: I have greater pain somewhere else right now.
Lucinda: So you don’t want the ibuprofen anymore?
Gretchen: Are they coming on Friday?
Lucinda: Yes.
Gretchen: I will do the magazine spread, but I’m not thrilled about it. Now, my headache actually is really pounding right now and I desperately need that medicine and a bit of peace and quiet.
Lucinda: So you’re not mad at me?
Gretchen: I didn’t say that.
Later that day…
Carol: Someone’s late!
Gretchen: Oh, it’s been a day.
Sarita: It’s nine-thirty!
Gretchen: Can it, Massachusetts!
Sarita: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t speak.
Gretchen: Correct.
Susana: What’s going on?
Carol: Yeah, what did Lucinda do now?
Gretchen: Well, first, I’ve got a pounding headache.
Carol: Yeah, that’s definitely Lucinda’s fault.
Gretchen: That’s not all! In fact, the other thing is a much bigger deal.
Carol: Oh no.
Gretchen: I’m going to be in Better Homes & Gardens.
Carol: That’s it?
Gretchen: I don’t exactly have a desire to be in Better Homes & Gardens.
Carol: Well, why are you going to be in it?
Gretchen: My mother!
Carol: Oh, I should’ve known. She’s the cause of nearly everything you complain about.
Gretchen: But she’s my mother, what am I gonna do?
Carol: Exactly! We have to take care of our mothers and protect them and put up with their nonsense as a thank you for all their years of doing the same for you. You hear that, kids?
Susana: Didn’t you put grandma in a h-
Carol: Grandma was sick, Susana. Grandma had advanced dementia.
Susana: Grandma seems fine to me! She’s in a cheerleading club at the retirement home!
Carol: Then what were you complaining about? She’s living her best life!
Gretchen: Can we focus on the real issue here?
Carol: You having to appear in a magazine that only dentists still subscribe to for use in their waiting rooms?
Gretchen: Exactly!
Susana: There were actually some things to ta-
Gretchen: I need advice! They’re coming on Friday for this interview and house tour, and I’m dreading it completely. First of all, my house is a mess.
Susana: Your house is a palace!
Gretchen: Architecturally? It legally is. The inside, though, is a mess. I’m very down-to-earth, I won’t hire a housekeeper. I’m also busy, I don’t have time to clean much besides a bit of vacuuming and doing the bathrooms. We have a lot of stuff. Clutter.
Carol: I’m starting to think today won’t be a productive day.
Gretchen: Good guess! I need your help to get my house in order! We have nothing to do today, I want to go get that done.
Susana: That’s gotta be illegal, no?
Gretchen: No! At least I don’t think it is…
Carol: I’ll look into it.
Gretchen: No. Massachusetts, you look into it. Carol will lie to get out of it, you’re unbiased.
Sarita: I appreciate that!
Carol: I would never lie!
Samantha: Hey, what’s going on with you guys today?
Carol: I’m not here!
Samantha: I see you!
Susana: Nothing’s up at all today! Very boring day. The governor just has a headache.
Samantha: Oh, good, I’m not interrupting anything.
Sarita: I looked into it, there’s nothing in the law about employees of the state not being allowed to assist in personal matters.
Samantha: What’s this?
Sarita: Oh, we’re gonna help the governor get her house in order for a photoshoot with Better Homes & Gardens!
Samantha: You are? Can I come?
Gretchen: Thanks a lot, Massachusetts!
Samantha: I love Better Homes & Gardens! I read it all the time.
Gretchen: That’s nice, Pratt. Come on, girls, we have work. Not you, Massachusetts, we need someone to handle the office work.
Sarita: Oh! Right…
Susana: I think you upset her.
Sarita: I’m fine! You trust me enough to watch the office, that’s huge!
Gretchen: That’s the spirit! Now, let’s go get my house in order so I don’t embarrass myself in front of the two or three dozen people who still buy magazines.
Three days later…
Anthony: Someone’s at the door!
Lucinda: I think it’s Better Homes & Gardens.
Anthony: You don’t say!
Gretchen: Hello and welcome to our home!
Woman: Hi, I’m Hannah Zabrowski, photographer for Better Homes & Gardens. The interviewer will be by later, but first we’re going to get some pictures for the article.
Gretchen: Lovely to meet you and lovely to have you in our home!
Hannah: A lot of celebrities giving home tours aren’t really sure what to do, so let me just give a quick rundown. We’re going to get a few pictures of you in some of the rooms being as natural as possible. I know it’s hard to be natural with a flashing camera, but you do get used to it.
Gretchen: I ran for vice president, that got me used to cameras pretty quickly. Don’t worry about me.
Hannah: These cameras are a bit different, but like I said, you’ll adapt fast. So, we’re not taking pictures in every room, it’ll be up to you to show us some of your favorites. Also, it’s a beautiful day, so we’re going to take a few outside on the grounds. You have a beautiful garden.
Lucinda: All thanks to me!
Gretchen: Oh, Hannah, this is my mother. She is not getting photographed today.
Lucinda: I can still help show her around the place. No one spends more time in this house than me!
Gretchen: You are certainly right about that.
Lucinda: I set this whole spread up, she wouldn’t be here without me!
Gretchen: Also very true.
Hannah: It’s sweet how you give your mom credit for the impact she’s had on you.
Gretchen: You wouldn’t know the half of it!
One month later…
Carol: Gretchen… The View.
Gretchen: Do they want me on the show?
Carol: No, you were kinda already on it today.
Gretchen: What do you mean by that? And why were you watching The View at work?
Carol: I wasn’t, I got texts about it. They’re talking about your cover in Better Homes & Gardens!
Gretchen: I bet Whoopi loved it.
Carol: Whoopi did not.
Gretchen: Did Joy?
Carol: Joy did not.
Gretchen: Did any of them?
Sarita: Ana Navarro defended you!
Gretchen: Defended me from what?
Susana: They’re kinda cooking you on Twitter. X. Whatever it’s called.
Carol: Twitter! Screw Elon Musk!
Susana: I agree with you there.
Gretchen: What? Why is Twitter bullying me?
Carol: Well, from what Whoopi and the View gals say, you’re out of touch. Our state’s in a housing crisis and you’re posing in your mansion on the cover of magazines.
Gretchen: Since when is our state in a housing crisis?
Carol: Okay, don’t tell anyone you said that.
Susana: Did the Vogue shoot not teach us to say no to magazine spreads?
Gretchen: Oh my god, I forgot about Vogue! I was a national joke! They an SNL about it! Not a sketch, a whole SNL episode! They referenced it like five times!
Carol: It wasn’t that bad. That was sexist criticism thrown at you. This… this is bad PR.
Susana: Anna Wintour yelled at me.
Carol: I’ve seen The Devil Wears Prada, she yells at everyone!
Gretchen: How mean was Whoopi to me?
Carol: She called you a bonehead.
Sarita: Classic Whoopi!
Gretchen: I’m starting to think you all watch The View when you’re supposed to be working.
Sarita: Just me!
Gretchen: So how do we deal with becoming the subject of national mockery yet again?
Jeanne: Are you not used to it by now?
Gretchen: Not today, Satan, not today!
Jeanne: Why must you be so cruel to me?
Hank: Leave her alone, she’s going through a lot!
Jeanne: All right, I’ll go. You’ll never hear what wise ideas I was bringing to you, though!
Gretchen: Wait!
Jeanne: Wow, that’s all I had to say to convince you to let me in?
Gretchen: I have a proposal for the both of you.
Hank: Okay, but first I wanted to show you my favorite Twitter memes about the situation.
Gretchen: I’m here to govern, not meme.
Hank: You don’t want to see the fancam set to Rich Girl by Hall and Oates?
Jeanne: Aren’t you sad they split up? They seemed like the best of friends!
Hank: I know! It’s heartbreaking!
Gretchen: I don’t even know what a “fancam” is, I certainly don’t want to see it!
Hank: Your loss.
Gretchen: I want to work on something to help turn this housing crisis around. I’m going to speak with some experts and with the Secretary of Housing about a plan to combat it. I need your assurance that you’ll be willing to support it if it’s written.
Hank: You’re the governor, you can’t write laws.
Gretchen: You realize my sister’s a member of the house, right?
Hank: I try so hard to forget. She’s very annoying.
Gretchen: Good.
Jeanne: I don’t think there’s a housing crisis at all! Go to Newport and tell me there’s a housing crisis after looking at those mansions!
Carol: You know, those mansions are, quite famously, uninhabited because they are museums now!
Jeanne: Well, let’s turn The Breakers into a Ramada, then! Problem solved!
Gretchen: Ramada? We have a housing crisis, not a hotel crisis!
Jeanne: Oh, stop being so technical!
Hank: You know what? I think we need some good PR, and I do, despite your opinion of me, care about helping the state. I’d be open to backing something if it has a genuine chance of helping the state out.
Gretchen: Thank you! All I ask is that you have an open mind!
Hank: My mind is always open.
Gretchen: We both know that’s not true, but I appreciate it being open now.
Later that night…
Christina: Oh, mom, bring it in!
Gretchen: What are you doing here, kiddo?
Christina: It’s Friday, and I saw Twitter, and I figured you could use the support.
Gretchen: Where’s your grandmother?
Christina: Don’t kill her, please!
Gretchen: I won’t. I could never get away with it with so many eyes on me now.
Lucinda: The magazine looks great, Gretchen!
Gretchen: You bitch!
Anthony: Oh my god, I’ve waited over twenty years for this!
Christina: Let’s stay calm.
Gretchen: I’m getting mocked all over the place because you made me do that stupid magazine about our HOUSE while we’re in a housing crisis! I look like the most out-of-touch idiot alive!
Lucinda: Have you considered doing something about the housing crisis?
Gretchen: Shut the hell up!
Lucinda: I didn’t mean to get you in trouble. Honestly, I’m still not sure why I said you’d do it.
Gretchen: I finally understand it now. You wanted to show off your garden!
Lucinda: That’s not true!
Gretchen: You forced yourself into the picture.
Lucinda: She was begging me to be in it! They eat up those sweet mother-daughter moments in those glossy rich people magazines.
Gretchen: I’m trying to be a woman of the people, being in a rich person magazine doesn’t help that.
Lucinda: You’re the governor, no one finds the governor relatable anyway.
Gretchen: You upset me.
Lucinda: How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?
Gretchen: Christina, I’m so glad you’re here. I’ll be in my study making calls for a few hours and then we’ll hang out. Good?
Christina: Sounds good!
Lucinda: I hope none of your calls are to a hit man!
Gretchen: Don’t give me any ideas.
What did you think of the midseason premiere of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
