Raymond Island Season 5 Episode 8 - Hostess with the Mostest

Raymond Island Season 5, Episode 8
Hostess with the Mostest

Gretchen is at the dining room table applying her makeup.

Lucinda: What are you doing out here? And why are you getting ready so early? You’re never this early!

Gretchen: I have a big day today, all of the Democratic governors are flying in for a meeting today as we discuss the future of the party as this election gets into full swing. I want to be ready, I can’t be late for this!

Lucinda: Why are you doing your makeup here, though?

Gretchen: I’d usually do it in my bedroom, but I’d need to turn the lights on, and that’d wake up Anthony. He needs his sleep, he has work.

Lucinda: You have more important work, no?

Gretchen: I can put my makeup on just fine out here. Plus, I get to watch Morning Joe while I get ready!

Lucinda: Ah, yes, the thrilling way to start any day, Morning Joe.

Gretchen: It’s entertaining and informative!

Lucinda: I’d just suggest you take a look at yourself in the mirror before you head out. And, remember, that comes from a place of love, not criticism.

Gretchen: Why, what do I look like?

Lucinda: Just… be your own judge.

Gretchen: It can’t be that ba- ah!

Lucinda: I assume you’re not giving it a positive judgment. I would never say anything negative about my beloved daughter, but I feel that is the correct opinion.

Gretchen: I look like a drag queen!

Lucinda: We’re Democrats, we love drag queens!

Gretchen: We don’t love looking like them!

Lucinda: You have plenty of time to re-do your makeup, don’t worry. My recommendation is that you use a mirror the next time, though.

Gretchen: Why are you being nice again, what do you want this time?

Lucinda: I’m taking your constructive criticism to heart and trying to be kinder.

Gretchen: No, really.

Anthony: Gretch, that you out there?

Gretchen: Go back to sleep, it’s early!

Anthony: Okay!

Lucinda: I’m your mother, I love you!

Gretchen: Mom, are you dying?

Toby: Grandma’s dying?

Anthony: Finally getting my man cave back!

Gretchen: Toby, your grandmother is fine! Anthony, stop! Oh my god, why is the whole house up at six in the morning?

Lucinda: Morning Joe’s too loud.

Gretchen: I’m going back to bed.

Lucinda: You don’t want to be late for your meeting!

Gretchen: Crap, I forgot about that!

Lucinda: It’s gonna be a good day.

One hour later…

Gretchen: Pratt, good morning!

Samantha: Wow, you’re in mighty early!

Gretchen: I could say the same about you!

Samantha: This is the same time I always come in. You, on the other hand, aren’t usually in for another hour.

Gretchen: I have a big day today, all the Democratic governors are here for a meeting. And, wait, did you just say this is when you always come in?

Samantha: Yes!

Gretchen: Why does the lieutenant governor come in to work an hour before the governor?

Samantha: Well, the governor’s not particularly good at her job.

Gretchen: Ah, screw you too!

Samantha: I didn’t say anything that most of Rhode Island doesn’t already think!

Gretchen: Guess which of the two of us won by more in 2022! Not you!

Samantha: I love our witty banter!

Gretchen: Your nagging is making me hungry. I need a bagel.

Samantha: Just as well, I have things to do. Things related to Rhode Island.

Gretchen: Oh you just think you’re so special!

Samantha: I’m going to chalk this exchange up to morning grumpiness.

Gretchen: You’re the one that insulted me!

Samantha: Have a nice meeting, Gretch.

Gretchen: How utterly bizarre.

Gretchen walks into her office.

Gina: Raymond!

Gretchen: Whilder! What are you doing in here? The meeting’s not for another two hours, the girls and I thought we had some time to head over to the conference hall to decorate for the meeting.

Carol: I let her in.

Gretchen: I’m just not sure why you showed up so early, nothing exciting ever happens here in the morning.

Carol: Not that you’d know… you’re never here this early.

Gretchen: Everyone needs to show me a bit of grace! You all act like I come to work at four o’clock!

Gina: If I could cut in to answer your question, I stopped by here so we could catch up. It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other in person.

Gretchen: You’re not wrong. Our schedules never seem to line up.

Gina: That’s why I made sure to show up here early! We gotta take advantage of all the time we can get for some girl time.

Gretchen: I’m assuming you won’t have much time for girl time anytime soon if the insiders are correct about that presidential run.

Gina: Oh my god, no! That is not a circus I have any intention on getting myself involved in.

Susan: You’d be so great! Michigan loves you, you won re-election by over twenty points!

Gina: A national campaign is grueling and torturous.

Carol: We know that quite well.

Gina: You guys held up very well in that election. I think the media was extremely unfair to Gretchen.

Gretchen: Thank you! I agree! They tried to paint me as some sort of fool. I’m nobody’s fool.

Gina: Not to mention, I don’t think Delphy’s going to lose.

Gretchen: You don’t? The impeached guy with a thirty percent approval rating?

Gina: Have you seen our candidates?

Carol: You could be that change!

Gina: I’m good.

Gretchen: I think Marietta could be a good candidate!

Gina: Mayor of New Orleans to President? I don’t know…

Gretchen: Who do you think would be better?

Gina: None of them! I mean, I like them all, but I don’t think the former talk show host from Connecticut or the CIA Senator from Virginia or the boring policy wonk from Nevada are going to inspire America, and I don’t see a Kentucky governor getting the nomination. The rest are non-factors, including my own home state’s senator. She’s a great lady, but she’s polling at, what, two percent? Our party isn’t energized, I don’t see any reason to wade in.

Gretchen: Ah, always an inspiring time when we’re together.

Gina: Yes, enough of this! We already have to spend most of today talking about politics, we don’t have to spend right now dwelling on it.

Gretchen: That’s a good point. What do you want to talk about?

Gina: How’s your family? Christina still at home?

Gretchen: No! She’s at Salve Regina.

Gina: Is that a cult? It sounds like a cult.

Gretchen: It’s a school. It’s not Brown, but it is what it is.

Gina: Aww, you really thought she could get into Brown?

Gretchen: I thought I could get her in. She didn’t want my help.

Gina: Good for her.

Carol: Gretch, we should head over. You two can talk in the car.

Gina: Yeah, I don’t want to mess up your decorating time. I can help you guys get it ready for the meeting and we can chat then.

Gretchen: All right, sounds good.

Carol: This is gonna be fun, catching up, decorating, bonding!

Susana: Mom, don’t third-wheel them.

Carol: We were all good pals back in the Senate days. Say, ladies?

Gina: We were. We had a blast back then.

Gretchen: And we can have a blast today if we get moving!

Carol: Don’t have to tell me twice!

One hour later…

Gretchen: Oh my god, I’m getting a call from Satan.

Gina: The President’s calling? Pick up, that’s big!

Gretchen: No, even more evil.

Gina: Henry Kissinger?

Gretchen: No, he’s dead.

Susana: What does Jeanne want?

Gretchen: Ding ding ding, we have a winner!

Gina: Who is Jeanne?

Gretchen: Our Senate Majority Leader. She’s an utter pain in the ass.

Gina: You’d better answer the phone before it stops ringing then, or she’ll be even more of a pain.

Carol: That would be a feat.

Gretchen: Give me a minute, I’ll get her off quick.

Gretchen answers the call and steps away.

Jeanne: Took you long enough!

Gretchen: How are you on this fine morning, Jeanne?

Jeanne: I’m gonna skip the BS niceties, governor. If you want us to get a housing bill passed before the recess, it has to be today.

Gretchen: Today?

Jeanne: Hank and I are both here ready to do it, I can’t guarantee that’ll happen at any time in the next two weeks, and then we have a three-week recess. Do you want to let Rhode Island down?

Gretchen: Oh my god, you are so dramatic! Why would you not both be available to meet about it?

Jeanne: I know this is hard to comprehend, but our lives don’t revolve around you.

Gretchen: How long do you need to iron this deal out? I have something going on later today.

Jeanne: About an hour? I think we’re on to our last few adjustments.

Gretchen: All right, I’ll be there.

Gretchen hangs up.

Carol: What was that about?

Gretchen: The housing bill. I have to go talk with Hank and Jeanne about passing it. I’ll be an hour, at most.

Carol: You’re kidding!

Gretchen: No, sadly I am not.

Susana: They have to do it today? That’s fishy.

Gretchen: Maybe they know I’m having this meeting today and they’re trying to frustrate me, I don’t know. What I do know is that this is a major policy goal of my administration and I have to at least try to work out a deal on it.

Gina: Of course! We’ll all still be here when you get back, go take care of business. That’s your priority.

Gretchen: Thank you for being understanding. These two are constant thorns in my side, and they know I’m aware that this bill can only be passed with their support, so they pretty much control me until it’s passed.

Gina: I had a Republican legislature to deal with in my entire first term, so believe me when I say I get how you feel.

Carol: Do you need me to go with you? They’re sharks, you don’t want to get outnumbered by them.

Gretchen: I’ll grab Sarita if I need any backup. You guys stay here and finish the preparations.

Carol: All right, but if you need me, call me.

Susana: No matter where you are,  no matter how far, don’t worry.

Gina: Just call her name, she’ll be there in a hurry, you don’t have to worry!

Susana: ‘Cause, governor, there ain’t no mountain high enough!

Carol: What are we doing here?

Susana: Making fun of how dramatic you are.

Gretchen: All right, I’ll be back. You guys hold down the fort if all the other governors show up.

Carol: They’re state governors, Gretchen, not teenage girls waiting for the Olivia Rodrigo concert to begin. I think we’ll be okay.

Gretchen: Teenage girls waiting for Olivia Rodrigo are often more mature than politicians, so just be careful.

At the state house…

Jeanne: Finally, she’s arrive.

Hank: Here she is, Miss Rhode Island!

Gretchen: All right, what suggestions do you two have?

Jeanne: Sit down, relax, let’s talk over coffee!

Gretchen: I don’t have time to talk over coffee! I’m the Governor of Rhode Island, I’m busy!

Hank: Ha! Good one!

Gretchen: Good one? I am busy!

Hank: Stop with the jokes already!

Gretchen: You two are pissing me off already.

Jeanne: I said nothing.

Gretchen: It’s the way you’re holding yourself.

Jeanne: You are ridiculous.

Gretchen: See, you’re hostile.

Jeanne: I invited you to sit down and chat over coffee, how is that “hostile?”

Gretchen: Okay, fine, I will sit down for coffee.

Hank: Finally, she’s coming to the table.


Jeanne: We have tea if you prefer that.

Gretchen: Coffee’s fine, I’m not too thirsty anyway.

Jeanne: All right, so section C is gonna have to go. The caucus is not going to go for that.

Gretchen: All of section C?

Jeanne: All of it.

Gretchen: We worked hard on that.

Jeanne: I know, and I thought it was great.

Hank: I was… unconvinced by it. I always knew it was likely to be scrapped;

Gretchen: Well, good for you, you were right.

Jeanne: So you’ll scrap it?

Gretchen: If it means I can get the rest of it passed, yeah.

Jeanne: Now who said that?

Gretchen: Oh my god, how many changes did you make?

Jeanne: Oh, just a few more!

One hour later…

Jeanne: All right, I think this bill is ready to be sent to the house. What say you, Hank

Hank: Looks good to me.

Gretchen: God, it’s brutal out here.

Jeanne: Oh, don’t look like that! You’re getting a good thing passed! This will help people.

Gretchen: I just wish it looked a bit more like the original bill that I wrote.

Jeanne: That was the hopeless optimist version. This is the pragmatic version, the realist version.

Gretchen: If this is what it takes to pass it, I accept that, but I’m still a bit miffed.

Jeanne: You’ll get over it! Compromise is key, remember?

Gretchen: I’ve been in the game a long time, Jeanne, I’m aware. Now, I have somewhere to be if you two don’t mind.

Jeanne: I’m gonna go grab myself a drink, so I’ll join you.

Hank: Mind if I catch a ride down with the two of you? I gotta stop on a different floor.

Jeanne: It’s a free country.

Hank: I’ll take that as a yes.

Gretchen: You know, I do genuinely appreciate that you worked with me on this, even if it’s not perfect.

Jeanne: I always say, don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Gretchen: I agree. It’s a start.

Jeanne: Well, I wouldn’t get too excited, but there’s always a chance.

Gretchen: What does that mean?

The elevator stops moving.

Hank: Oh my god! The elevator just broke down!

Gretchen: Not again…

Jeanne: Again? You’ve been stuck in here before?

Gretchen: Yes, and I always promised myself I’d take the stairs after that, but I was in a hurry today…

Jeanne: Who is repairing these elevators, Mr. Magoo?

Gretchen: Clearly no one competent.

Hank: I’m thinking of a number…

Gretchen: Oh my god, he’s already starting with little games?

Hank: We could die in here, might as well entertain ourselves until the end.

Jeanne: It’s been two minutes.

Hank: It’s not looking good.

Gretchen: I’m gonna call someone and get this under control. In the meantime, Hank, hold that number. And, man, I wish I’d never taken you up on that coffee offer, my bladder’s feeling it now.

Hank: Just go, we’ll be dead soon enough.

Jeanne: Oh my god, stop it!

Gretchen picks up her phone and calls Carol.

Carol: Gretchen, where are you? The governors are starting to arrive. I’m afraid one of these hams is gonna try and take over, there’s only so much I can do to temper those huge egos.

Gretchen: Yeah, I have a situation.

Carol: Mexican standoff?

Gretchen: That’d be better, at least I could kill both of them.

Hank: Hey!

Jeanne: What do you care, you’re so convinced we’re dying anyway!

Carol: What’s going on?

Susana: Is something wrong?

Carol: I’m finding out.

Gretchen: The elevator broke down again.

Carol: Oh my god, no!

Susana: What happened?

Carol: She’s stuck in the elevator again!

Susana: We gotta get that fixed.

Gretchen: We didn’t last time?

Susana: This happens like once a month, I think it’s time to replace it.

Carol: Gretchen, I have like thirty governors here waiting for their host.

Gretchen: This kills me, Carol… let Gina kick off the meeting. You have the outline of what I planned to discuss, and it’s an open forum discussion anyway, so that should be enough to fill the time today.

Carol: Whilder, you’re in!

Gina: What?

Carol: Gretch is preoccupied.

Gina: They’re holding her up?

Carol: Someone’s holding her up…

Gina: Oh no, was she taken hostage? I thought that people from that kidnapping plot getting forty years in jail would have diffused those attempts.

Susana: Wow, people hate Gretchen.

Gretchen: Thanks, Susana!

Carol: She’s in an elevator, she’ll be out soon, but she needs you to fill in for now.

Gina: All right, if it helps Gretchen.

Gretchen: Soon-ish. By the way, Carol, call someone and get us out of here.

Carol: Will do.

The next day…

Carol: Look, here she is!

Gretchen: I am miserable. All this work, and I miss the meeting because I’m in an elevator with the two biggest idiots in the world!

Carol: Hey, it could be worse. You could have also said something dumb that got them to withdraw support for the housing bill.

Gretchen: I was so close.

Carol: But you didn’t!

Susana: We still have two more days of this meeting, it’s not like yesterday was the whole thing.

Gretchen: But how they see Gina as the leader. I’m not in charge anymore.

Carol: Oh, get over yourself. Just be glad you got out of that elevator in time to pee.

What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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