Betty: Everyone, it’s time to go! Make sure you have your passports!
Cindy: Mom, we’re aware. This has been a topic of discussion since you planned the trip last month.
Teri: I don’t know why we had to go to London. You know I don’t care for the British.
Betty: We’re getting an all-expenses-paid trip anywhere we want, we had to pick somewhere we’d never otherwise go to.
Teri: Why not Italy?
Betty: That’s where Jennifer Coolidge was murdered.
Teri: Jennifer Coolidge is alive! The White Lotus is a television show.
Ralph: But what a show it is!
Teri: Well, we could have seen where it was filmed! Picture it: Sicily!
Karl: Your mother wants to see London before she dies.
Cindy: Why are we talking about mom dying?
Frank: I mean, just speaking biologically…
Tammi: Honey!
Frank: I’m not saying anything they shouldn’t be aware of already.
Jerry: I can’t say I’ve ever had a desire to see London, either. I wish we were going to Australia or something.
Betty: I’m guessing Frank thinks I’m too old and feeble to survive that flight.
Frank: I never said you were feeble! I just acknowledged the average human lifespan and, apparently, that’s an issue!
Velma: Most of us are aware of it and have the decency to not bring it up.
Betty: All right, let’s get to the airport now so I can grapple with my own mortality while we soar through the air for twelve hours on a tin tube of death.
Teri: That’s a beautiful way to put that, mom.
Steven: We have to stop and pick up Alysa, too!
Mitchell: I still can’t believe he gets to take his girlfriend along.
Velma: What, you wish you could take yours, too?
Mitchell: Velma, trust me, if I could find someone to cheat on you with, I wouldn’t spend nearly as much time as I do in this house.
Teri: “Teri, why are you not in any rush to get married?”
Betty: The clock’s ticking!
Frank: Oh, so SHE can say it?
Tammi: Different clock, Frank.
Frank: It doesn’t exactly seem nice when she says it, either!
Steven: I don’t know why anyone would have a problem with Alysa going along with us. I love her, she loves me. As far as I’m concerned, she’s already a part of this family.
Betty: Best of all, Anita is NOT coming along, and she has to stay home, knowing we get to experience the trip of a lifetime!
Ralph: Yes, the best part of our free two-week vacation is that it makes a busybody upset. That’s a healthy mindset.
Karl: Okay, we’re going to miss the free trip if we don’t’ hurry.
Danielle: Exactly! If you ask me, we’re already two hours late!
Teri: Good thing no one asked you!
Ralph: You really think we need to get to the airport four hours before the flight?
Danielle: You can never be too safe!
Teri: If you try to get any “safer,” we’re gonna leave you on the freeway.
Mitchell: Seriously, I just want to know why Steven gets a plus-one! It feels like we’re taking advantage of Lianne and her company.
Ralph: Oh no, how could we take advantage of the billionaire?
Mitchell: She’s our neighbor! She’s your boss sometimes! We’re taking advantage.
Ralph: I’ve seen her throw a piece of fine china away because it “doesn’t go with the dining room decor” anymore. I don’t think she’s gonna miss this money.
Steven: Now can we go pick up my girlfriend before grandma Betty makes us leave her behind because we’re running late?
Betty: I’ll be honest, we’re roughly ten minutes away from me doing just that.
Karl: We are not. You may think that, I’m not leaving that girl with Anita for two weeks when she thought she was getting a respite.
Betty: Okay, fine, but we have to leave now. If we miss this flight, I don’t think Lianne’s gonna pay for another one.
Teri: You don’t think?
Betty: Don’t sass me right now.
Karl: Has anyone seen my hat bag?
Velma: Your what?
Karl: My carry on. It’s filled with my hats.
Velma: Why?
Ralph: I think they have hats in England, dad.
Karl: Let me take what I want to take. I don’t comment on any of your packing decisions, not even when Frank said he was taking two carry-ons and was going to dare the airline to stop him.
Frank: They can try, but they won’t stop a veteran from taking his luggage with him!
Teri: You did one month of military training and dropped out, you are not a veteran!
Frank: They don’t need to know that!
Cindy: You can take pills before you go on a plane, right?
Teri: Uh… yeah. Why would you not?
Cindy: Just want to make sure.
Teri: You’re not joining the US figure skating team, they’re not gonna drug test you. Take your pills.
Betty: What pills are you taking?
Cindy: Remember how I used to be afraid of flying on planes? Well, I feel that way again, and I need a Xanax.
Betty: I’ve got like twenty of ‘em in my purse, just let me
Later that day…
Betty: Woah.
Teri: What the hell time is it?
Alysa: It’s a different day, right? We were on that plane for six years.
Velma: It wasn’t that bad, guys!
Ralph: I briefly considered jumping out of the plane.
Steven: Like D.B. Cooper!
Ralph: Isn’t that Young Sheldon’s dad?
Steven: Huh?
Jerry: My phone says it’s 2:34 AM.
Teri: Not that bad, huh? We left the house at five in the morning!
Velma: There’s a five hour time zone difference between the eastern United States and London. The flight wasn’t as long as it seems.
Teri: That’s still, what, sixteen hours at airports and on planes?
Velma: I’ve gone through worse.
Teri: Just let us complain!
Danielle: I’m too tired to complain.
Karl: Let’s just worry about getting to our hotel. It’s still a ways away.
Jerry: I want to sleep here.
Danielle: On the floor?
Jerry: At the hotel here.
Mitchell: That’s not free!
Tammi: Is that your only concern?
Mitchell: It’s not my only concern. The rooms here are surely not as nice as our luxury hotel.
Karl: We will go to the hotel, don’t worry.
Ralph: Whose idea was it to go to England again? I’m not even trying to make a point, the day’s just so long that I can’t remember anymore.
Betty: It was me.
Ralph: I hate you.
Karl: He’s just tired, he doesn’t mean that.
Ralph: I hate you, and I hate England, and I want to go home!
Steven: This is a fun trip so far.
Alysa: Hey, this is a picnic compared to what I have to live with.
Tammi: Speaking of which, you better call your mother and let her know you got here safely.
Alysa: Do I have you?
Tammi: She put you in my care for two weeks, and I say yes, you do. So do it.
Alysa: All right, fine, but I’m gonna be in an even worse mood after I talk to her.
Danielle: How can anyone be put into an even worse mood than we’re already in right now?
The next morning…
Betty: Hello… is anyone awake?
No one answers.
Betty: Guess I’m the first one up. At ten in the morning, how sad.
Betty throws her coat on and puts on her shoes.
Betty: I suppose no one will notice if I slip out for some morning tea!
One hour later…
Teri: Dad, where is mom?
Karl: What do you mean?
Teri: Exactly what I said, dad.
Karl: You don’t know where she is?
Teri: I wouldn’t be asking if I did!
Karl: I haven’t seen her since I got up. She was up before me.
Teri: Well, her phone is still here, but there’s no sign of her.
Ralph: What, you think she was kidnapped by a Brit? You think Dua Lipa popped in here and dragged mom away? Or maybe it was Daniel Craig.
Teri: I didn’t specify a nationality, they could be a fellow tourist.
Karl: Your mother was not kidnapped! There’s a logical explanation for this.
Danielle: What time is it?
Teri: Orphan o’clock!
Danielle: What?
Ralph: She thinks mom was kidnapped.
Danielle: It’s too early in the day for this.
Velma: It’s almost noon!
Danielle: Oh my god!
Frank: What the heck is going on out here? Why are you shouting in the middle of the night?
Alysa: It’s, uh, almost noon.
Frank: Don’t mess around, kid.
Karl: We all slept in very late thanks to the plane ride, we’ll get back on track soon enough.
Teri: I don’t know how you’re all just standing around when mom is missing!
Cindy: You know who you sound just like? Mom!
Teri: Don’t say that!
Ralph: She’s probably just off buy another timeshare accidentally. Don’t worry too much.
One hour later…
Teri: All right, I spoke to guy at the front desk. He was no help, apparently he just started his shift for the day. He said they can’t check surveillance cameras because there’s no proof she’s missing.
Cindy: Hey, Teri. Take a look around.
Teri: Oh, mom! Hi! Where the hell were you?
Betty: It’s a funny story.
Teri: I’m sure.
Betty: I went for some morning tea at a little cafe. Well, I saw one of those phone booths, then I kept seeing more famous British things and I kept wandering and I got lost. I did get tea eventually… after I saw Big Ben.
Velma: So she’s seen everything we’re planning to see already?
Betty: No! Just a few things. I was only gone two hours.
Teri: Don’t scare us like that again!
Tammi: Now that we’re all here, maybe we can figure out a game plan for today? Someone other than grandma should get to see some sights of London today.
Karl: Let’s all get ready and then we’ll see what time it is before we figure out what to do today.
Alysa: I want to go to Buckingham Palace!
Teri: We’ve got thirteen more days here, I think we can squeak it in.
The next morning…
Danielle: Hey, Tammi! We have to talk.
Tammi: What did Frank do now?
Danielle: Not Frank.
Tammi: Oh no, did I do something?
Danielle: No.
Tammi: I’m lost.
Danielle: So you know how Alysa, Steven, you and Frank and I all got put in the same four-room suite?
Teri: Yes, which is why I’m not sure why you guys are all in THIS room all the time!
Danielle: It’s the main room! It has the best view, and also the matriarch and patriarch of our family are in this one!
Tammi: Well, anyway, yes I’m aware of what our room setup is. Why are you asking?
Danielle: I was… using the facilities last night, and I had just gone back into my room when I heard Alysa’s door open and then she slipped into Steven’s room.
Tammi: Oh! One minute, please!
Danielle: Are you going somewhere?
Tammi: Yes, definitely!
Five minutes later…
Steven: I don’t know why you dragged us out here so early!
Tammi: Yeah, I get you might be tired! Danielle says you were up in the middle of the night.
Alysa: Oh no.
Tammi: What are you two up to?
Steven: We’ve never done it before!
Teri: Oh my god, it’s like an episode of Jerry Springer in here.
Tammi: You’ve never done WHAT before?
Steven: Do I have to say it?
Alysa: We used protection!
Cindy: Good heavens, what did I walk into?
Tammi: They’re turned into the cast of Euphoria!
Teri: No, that’s to true. They’re actual teenagers, the Euphoria kids are really in their thirties.
Danielle: I don’t know if we should be listening in on this conversation…
Teri: But it’s so entertaining!
Steven: We didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing you didn’t do!
Tammi: That’s not a winning argument!
Cindy: It does run in the family.
Tammi: Mom!
Cindy: I’m just being honest.
Teri: I don’t think it’s a big deal. How many of us can say we lost it while in London? That’s cool, right?
Tammi: Remember when I say this that I am pro life, okay?
Alysa: I’ve never been more scared.
Tammi: I don’t know how their birth control works here, but we’re getting you some. This is not happening! Not again!
Alysa: We used protection!
Tammi: Condoms break, better to be safe! In the meantime, would anyone mind swapping rooms with Alysa? Anyone?
Betty: What is going on out here?
Jerry: Smut!
Betty: As long as I don’t have to see it, carry on. I’m going back to curling my hair.
Mitchell: You guys are never going to believe it, but the craziest thing just happened!
Tammi: A little busy, Mitchell!
Mitchell: Nothing’s more important than this.
Velma: Your mileage may vary.
Mitchell: I got an email last night, which I only just saw now, from Survivor! They want me on the show, I have to leave for Fiji today!
Betty: I don’t think Lianne’s gonna pay for that flight.
Mitchell: The show will pay for it, but that’s not really the point. I am going to be on Survivor!
Danielle: No kidding, they really accepted you? Are they running low on applicants?
Velma: That’s what I said!
Mitchell: They said they liked my “unique charm and perspective on the world.”
Teri: And here I thought me realizing my computer charger doesn’t fit in the British outlets was going to be this morning’s biggest developments.
Cindy: It’s been a crazy day!
Mitchell: What else has happened?
Teri: Oh, Steven got laid.
Velma: Good for you two crazy kids!
Tammi: No, not good!
Mitchelle: Survivor! Me! Focus on that!
Ralph: It is so loud out here, why are you all here again?
Teri: The family’s imploding.
Ralph: Good!
Mitchell: I’m going to be on Survivor!
Ralph: Someone in our family’s gonna be on TV, that is frightening!
Teri: Hopefully he changes his personality up.
Mitchell: I need someone to drive me to the airport and drop me off once I figure out my flight plans.
Karl: I’ll do it. Let’s face it, this is the biggest thing to happen to our family in quite some time.
Betty: Well, while those two fool around -
Karl: Don’t say it that way.
Betty: While they travel to the airport, the rest of us should go walk around the city. We’ve got a lot to see. London’s calling, you know!
Teri: After this morning, I think we should reject the call.
Danielle: I don’t know what you’re talking about, this has been enormously entertaining.
Steven: So are we off the hook now that there’s something else to talk about?
Tammi: Maybe in their eyes. Not in mine!
Steven: I was afraid you’d say that.
Frank: So this is where you all went!
Tammi: You’re never gonna believe what your son’s been doing!
Teri: What a fun choice of words!
Frank: I don’t know what that means, and I don’t think I want to.
Betty: So where do you guys think we should go today? I was thinking we could walk to the British Museum. Or maybe even to the Tower of London!
Teri: Wow, she’s really not letting this impact her schedule.
Betty: We’ve got two weeks to pack in all the British fun we can, I don’t care who’s screwing who or who’s gonna go starve themselves on an island. My itinerary’s getting done from top to bottom!
Teri: Speaking of getting done from top to bottom…
Tammi: Oh. My god, stop!
Frank: Wait, who is screwing?
Alysa: I wouldn’t use such a vulgar term.
Frank: Oh god! I’m going back to bed!
Betty: No you’re not! Go change, we are leaving this hotel room and we’re gonna have FUN!
Mitchell: I’m gonna be on Survivor!
Frank: Yeah, sure you are.
Mitchell: I am!
Frank: No shit!
Mitchell: I’m kind of a big deal now. I’m gonna be a celebrity! I’m gonna meet Boston Rob again!
Danielle: Yeah, this is it. This family’s finally snapped.
Velma: You’re lucky, you can leave whenever you want. The rest of us are all stuck in it.
Danielle: And whose fault is that?
Betty: Let’s go, gang! We’ve got a big day in London, let’s not waste it in our room.
Teri: She’s not gonna stop, so you might as well all just get ready. We can still yell at each other while we’re walking.
Ralph: That’s a good point.
What did you think of the season finale of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the season premiere of Frances in the Kitchen next week!
