Olivia is speaking at a panel interview hosted by journalist Mark Gilchrist.
Mark: Your Royal Highness, you’ve gotten a lot of press recently for your recent seventieth birthday.
Olivia: Much to my chagrin, I might add. I never like to make any fuss over a birthday.
Mark: What has it been like to live seventy years in the spotlight as a high-ranking member of the Royal Family?
Olivia: I suppose I would say it has had its challenges, and the press haven’t always been kind. Neither, I might add, have the public. Every mistake I made has been national news, in every headline. I had a very public rift with my family. You’d be a fool to ever expect the press would not side with their Queen. I was seen as having wronged my mother, so I therefore was the enemy. I’m now back in the fray, so I am good again. It feels like having a very loud, very public, very vocal fair-weather friend. You’d have to be inhuman for that not to take its toll on you. We’re all humans and we all mistakes, I just wished, sometimes, that I had been given the privilege of making those in private like anyone else, rather than making them for the world to see, simply because I happened to be born to a queen.
Olivia looks at her watch and sees the time.
Olivia: My goodness, Mark, I do apologize, I didn’t realize the time and I have to go.
Mark: If I could just have a few more minutes of your time, we could wrap this up.
Olivia: I really have to go, I have other engagements that I’m running late for.
Mark: Just o-
Olivia: Thanks for having me, goodbye!
Olivia walks off the stage.
Gigi: Wow, that was deep.
Olivia: All from the heart. Now, pick up those feet, we have places to be.
Gigi: What places?
Olivia: Assorted nonsense that Claude is forcing me to go to.
Gigi: Is there alcohol at any of them?
Olivia: I’d doubt it.
Gigi: I don’t even know why I bother to come with you to these things.
Olivia: That makes two of us.
Later that night, when Olivia returns home…
Fred: Liv, dearest love of my life…
Olivia: What did you do?
Fred: It’s not really what I did.
Olivia: Okay, what did Todd do?
Fred: Actually, nothing, believe it or not.
Olivia: Well, it couldn’t have been Gigi, she’s been with me all day.
Fred: You’re getting closer!
Olivia: Claire came here, tried to cook something, but because she’s a pampered princess, she wasn’t able to do it and started a fire in our kitchen?
Fred: That was a very specific wrong guest.
Olivia: What happened?
Fred: Claude is not very happy with you.
Olivia: He never is!
Fred: He wants you to call him.
Olivia: What about?
Fred: He wouldn’t tell me, just that you should call.
Olivia: Well, not doing that.
Fred: You pledged allegiance to him, no?
Olivia: The Americans pledge allegiance to their flag, I don’t think they call it on the phone either.
Fred: You know you’ll just have to deal with his ire tomorrow, right?
Olivia: Better then than now. At least I get a good night’s sleep first, I am beat!
Fred: What did you actually do today?
Olivia: Stood, talked, posed for pictures. It’s hard work being a cultural icon, I wish I could go back.
Fred: It’s just us in the house right now, if you imagine hard enough, you can go back!
Olivia: Oh, god, there’s the phone.
Fred: Guess we’re not imagining.
Olivia walks over and picks up the phone.
Olivia: What do you want?
Claude: What have you done?
Olivia: I don’t know what you mean, Claude, I’m a busy woman, I do a lot.
Claude: You’re rude.
Olivia: If you called just to insult me, I can hang right back up.
Claude: The tabloids are all running with stories about how rude you are!
Olivia: I can’t help what the rags say about me, that’s out of my control.
Claude: You stormed out of an interview today that you were doing for charity.
Olivia: I have no recollection of that.
Claude: Just come to Buckingham tomorrow, we’re having a family meeting about it.
Olivia: Surely that’s an overreaction!
Claude: We can’t handle the negative attention this is causing, we need to put a quick end to it.
Olivia: Are you going to sacrifice me?
Claude: Is that really the first place your mind wandered?
Olivia: I’m sure many people think we do that, why can’t I?
Claude: You’re well aware that we don’t, because you’re in the family and you’re not an internet conspiracy theorist.
Olivia: I simply have to cover my bases. I won’t walk into a trap. Todd’s surely going to knock Norah up soon, I want to be alive to meet all of my grandchildren.
Claude: We won’t be sacrificing you.
Olivia: That’s what one would say if they planned to sacrifice someone.
Claude: Just be here tomorrow. I’m your king, you have to listen to me.
Olivia: I hate when you use that on me!
Claude: It’s why I reserve it only for emergencies!
Olivia: And this qualifies as one?
Claude: Just be here.
Olivia: I know mum will call me and give me a hard time if I don’t, so I’ll be there. Try not to be so annoying when I see you, though. I can sense the smugness just through the phone.
Claude: I’m your k-
Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye!
Olivia hangs up.
Fred: What was that about?
Olivia: I cut an interview short, and it’s a national crisis.
Fred: I’d say Trayman is the national crisis, but I’m sure you making one wrong step is what the papers will be leading with.
Olivia: I am innocent. I have a schedule to keep, I politely told a man I had to go, and I went. It would have been far worse to break my other commitment.
Fred: Honey, I believe you. Save the defense for tomorrow’s trial, the jury is tainted against you.
Olivia: I’m getting into my jim-jams, I need my beauty rest for this kangaroo court ahead of me.
The next day, at Buckingham Palace…
Ethan: Ah, sister. This is becoming far too regular.
Olivia: You’re too regular? Stop with the prune juice.
Selina: Would you grow up?
Olivia (singing): I won’t grow up!
Christina: Hey, Peter Pan, come on in.
Ethan: The moment of judgment is upon you!
Olivia: Are you not coming in?
Ethan: I’ve been barred from taking part as Claude believes I defend you too much. I’m not sure I disagree.
Olivia: Is Selina coming in?
Selina: I sure am!
Olivia: Yeah, I’m getting sacrificed.
Selina: Only if I get my way.
Christine: No one is going to harm you, we just want to talk about something and get ton the bottom of it.
Olivia: You’re not my blood relative, I can’t trust your word. They may have sent you out to get me because they figured you’d be the least upset to oversee my demise.
Todd: Mum, just get in here!
Olivia: You’re letting Todd be part pf this?
Ethan: He was determined to be more impartial than I am.
Todd: I will be fair and just.
Claude: For the last time, we’re not a jury. This isn’t Big Brother!
Olivia: Uh-oh, the executioner’s here.
Claude: Can you take this seriously for a minute?
Olivia: Take what seriously? My reprimanding?
Christine: We’re not here to reprimand you, just make you aware of your behavior.
Olivia: Who’s that lady over there?
Claude: That is M-
Midge: The name’s Minerva Prendergast, most people call me Midge. I’m going to be your new assistant, I will accompany you to all press functions and handle your public persona.
Olivia: You got me a PR agent? And her name is Midge?
Midge: Minerva’s the given name, Midge is just what my friends like to say.
Olivia: How did Midge come from Minerva? I’m sorry, I’m just very intrigued by your whole deal.
Midge: Couldn’t pronounce Minerva as a child, so I accidentally called myself Midge. It just stuck.
Olivia: You were good with Prendergast?
Midge: The tongue works in mysterious ways.
Meredith: Hey, we’re in the presence of royalty, let’s not get vulgar.
Olivia: You invited her?
Meredith: Good to see you, as always. Norah tells me great things about you.
Olivia: Todd, what’ve you been telling your girlfriend about me?
Todd: I told her not to tell her mum!
Meredith: What a fool believes.
Claude: Olivia, surely you know by now how to properly act in public. We can’t lose our temper.
Olivia: I didn’t lose my temper in public. Now, a little bit. Not in public.
Claude: You blew off that reporter, everyone’s talking about it and bringing up prior instances of you doing the same.
Eleanor: Her Royal Rudeness! Her. Royal. Rudeness!
Olivia: Is that going to be your wrestling name, mummy?
Eleanor: This is serious! We can’t be having people thinking we’re short-tempered, spoilt brats with an elevated sense of importance.
Olivia: Aren’t we?
Claire: When I joined the family, I was given royal classes and media training. You were out of the game so long, perhaps that could help you as well?
Olivia: With all due respect, you were the daughter of a miner and a schoolteacher. I am the daughter of the Queen of the United Kingdom. This was a major shift from your lifestyle, but that wasn’t the case for me. It’s in my blood, you can never lose it.
Claude: You may well be the exception to that rule, because you’ve lost it. You don’t have the gentle touch that’s become a necessity in this time. People can see every move you make all on social media and on every news site, you have to be more careful.
Olivia: I cut an interview short, you’re acting like I said the Holocaust wasn’t real or punched a man in the face.
Christine: I don’t know if those are two equal offenses.
Olivia: I didn’t insinuate that they were. Just pointing out that there are many ways an interview can go disastrously, and I don’t think mine fit the bill in any circumstance.
Claude: It’s not that you acted so terribly that you need to feel bad about it, it’s just that in the future, you can’t act that way. You have to act with more tact.
Arthur: Nathan loves talking with the media more than anything, perhaps he could share a few tips with her.
Christine: No, we can’t put the idea of cameras in his head, he’ll stage another TV interview with Alicia.
Olivia: I would love some tips here, I don’t know what I’m meant to do in this scenario. Apparently a polite departure makes me “rude.”
Claude: That’s why we brought in, uh… “Midge.”
Midge: Your Majesty, I can sense you are uncomfortable with using my nickname but I assure you, it is how I prefer to be called!
Claude: Very well then, I’ll try not to grow nauseous in the future when I say it.
Midge: Thank you! Now, Your Royal Highness -
Claire: Which one of us?
Midge: The one in trouble.
Claire: Just checking, carry on.
Midge: What I would tell you is that, if you find yourself in an interview you are looking to cut short, politely inform the interviewer that you are ready to leave.
Olivia: I did that!
Midge: From what I recall, you had a tone.
Olivia: You people are nuts!
Meredith: See, that’s why people say you’re rude.
Olivia: I’m sure there’s a rainbow somewhere, why don’t you go and find your pot of gold?
Meredith: I’m not a leprechaun! And you’re mean!
Olivia: Better than being incompetent!
Claude: Technically, she’s a bit more competent at her job than you are at yours.
Olivia: Does anyone know if the Princess Royal gets is shielded from criminal charges in the event that she attacks the King?
Meredith: I would have no choice but to report it to The Met.
Olivia: The police department or the New York museum? I’ve had run-ins with both.
Claire: Why did you have a run-in with the Metropolitan Museum of Art?
Olivia: I was wearing a very flowing dress, and it brushed up against a few paintings through absolutely no fault of my own.
Midge: We just have to ben gentle with wrapping interviews. Be mindful of our words and tone.
Olivia: Are we still going on about this/
Midge: It’s so important that your family is not seen as rude, the public does not support the monarchy as strongly as they once was.
Eleanor: Not everyone can be me, beloved matriarch of the nation.
Olivia: How are people upset about me walking out of an interview that I had already stated was over?
Midge: People hate when your family, who born into fame and success, act in an entitled way that makes you seem like you believe your time is more valuable than other peoples’.
Olivia: Who is “people?” You?
Midge: I would never! I honor and respect my Royal Family. A lot of others, especially these young kids, they don’t have the same esteem for all of you that my generation does.
Olivia: I wasn’t trying to say my time was more valuable, I think anyone that was running late would make a concerted effort to rush to their next engagement. I must add that the other engagement was also something you made me go to, Claude!
Claude: We are all booked solid, not just you.
Olivia: No one performed more royal engagements last year than me, my schedule is packed! Sometimes, I have to rush from one to the other just to get it done in a timely manner. If being hardworking makes me rude, then so be it.
Midge: That’s what I’m here for.
Olivia: You’re going to do the for me? I don’t think your appearances will have the same impact.
Midge: That’s not what I mean. I will communicate your boundaries with people, let them know how long they have to speak with you.
Christine: You aren’t good at that, is what she’s saying.
Olivia: Yeah, that came through.
Midge: I’ve taken the liberty of calling up the journalist that you cut off and asked him if he’d be interested in conducting another interview with you. I’ve also written up a statement from you apologizing for -
Olivia: I’ll do the first one, you can throw the statement in the trash. I have nothing to apologize for.
Eleanor: Do you listen?
Olivia: Yes! Do you? I explained myself very clearly. I told him I had to go, he persisted to ask for more, I turned him down again, he still kept going, and I walked off.
Christine: People think it makes you look like a diva. I’m inclined to agree.
Olivia: I’m not going to argue about this. It’s such a minor thing, I doubt anyone will still be talking about it a week from now.
Christine: You wanna bet?
Eleanor I don’t know why we bother with these, she never learns.
Todd: Does this mean the vote to kick her out of the family is still on?
Arthur: Todd, hush!
Todd: Did I say something wrong?
Meredith: I’m an idiot, and even I know you did.
Olivia: That is more insight than I’d expect from you, Mer! Keep it up, you won’t be our greatest national embarrassment for long!
Claire: She isn’t now, we gave the world Harry Styles’ acting career.
Eleanor: Who is Harry Styles?
Olivia: He’s like David Bowie for lame people.
Eleanor: Who is D-
Olivia: Don’t even.
Eleanor: Kidding, kidding!
Midge: Is my work here done, or…?
Claude: I suppose. I’ll have someone email you Olivia’s schedule so you can accompany her to her public engagements.
Olivia: Oh my god, she’s my chaperone now?
Claude: Just until we’re sure you can conduct yourself properly, as you’re unwilling to take any of our advice.
Olivia: Returning to this family was a mistake.
Selina: Glad we agree! I vote yes on removal!
Claire: I vote no, she’s fun to have around.
Olivia: There we go, Loretta Lynn!
Claude: We’re not having a vote to throw her out!
Eleanor: Regardless of how it makes us feel, she still, at the end of the day, come out of my -
Olivia: No! No! No! I don’t want to think about your that!
Eleanor: My stomach.
Claude: We’re good here if you want to go, Olivia. Clearly you won’t be learning anything today.
Olivia: Glad you’ve finally realized it!
Claude: I just have one request for you.
Christine: Just one?
Claude: You can still be as rude as you want in private, just restrain yourself in private. Keep the burns for when you’re around me or mum or the Prime Minister.
Meredith: I’m honored to be in the conversation at all.
Olivia: This beast is hard to tame, but I’ll try.
Later that day, when Olivia returns home…
Fred: Honey! How’d it go?
Olivia: I’ve got myself a chaperone, and I have to put on a nicer act in person, but I still get to be a massive bitch to Claude, so I’d say it was okay.
Fred: A chaperone?
Olivia: Her name’s Midge, she smells of smoke and biscuits, and her hair is straight out of 1978. We’re going to be the best of friends.
Fred: Good to see you’re taking your reprimand well this time.
Olivia: You get used to it after a while.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the next episode next week!
