The group is in a diner in Maine eating breakfast.
Frances: Why is it that even on vacation, we still do our exact morning routine that we do while we’re working?
Sam: We’re creatures of habit, and that’s okay. It’s good to keep a consistent schedule, that’s what Diane always tells me.
Diane: Plus, it’s not exactly the same this time! We have Melanie with us!
Melanie: I am so glad I was able to get off of work at such short notice for this.
Sam: Yeah, thank you for dying, Hank.
Diane: Sam! Have more tact than that.
Sam: Me? Having tact? Impossible.
Carly: I think you’re all forgetting a different addition to your regular group.
Sam: Who?
Carly: Oh, come on.
Sam: The waitress? I don’t think she really counts.
Garry: She means her!
Sam: Don’t you usually come with us for breakfast?
Carly: No!
Sam: You sure?
Carly: I’m pretty sure.
Sam: Well, good to have you. Still sorry you have to sleep next to Garry.
Garry: Oh, she’s not just sleeping nex-
Sam: No! No! You will not force me to hear about you having sex! It will not happen!
Frances: Yeah, Garry, this is a family restaurant.
Charlotte: I need a man.
Leslie: The topic is turning.
Diane: What else is new? We always swerve from one topic to the next without any thought.
Melanie: I don’t mind not being the center of attention, it’s nice to just melt in sometimes.
Charlotte: You’d think an Oscar winner would have an easier time finding a romantic partner than Garry does, but you’d be thinking wrong.
Garry: Hey!
Charlotte: Sorry, bud. It’s just, you know…
Sam: Carly is hot, and you are Garry.
Carly: Thank you!
Garry: Thank you? She just insinuated that I’m ugly!
Carly: She said I’m hot! I’m in my forties, and I know she has a keen eye for the ladies, I’ll take what I can get.
Melanie: Are all of your breakfasts like this?
Diane: No, this one is unusually… I wanna say horny, but that doesn’t feel like the right phrase.
Leslie: Sexually-charged.
Diane: I guess that fits.
Charlotte: I’m just lonely, is all. People think being a successful, Oscar-winning acting icon with a star on thew Walk of Fame is easy. It’s not.
Sam: Your struggle will be remembered for decades. How do you ever manage to persevere through it?
Charlotte: I’m not saying I have it tough, I’m saying people think your life’s perfect once you achieve fame. It really isn’t, fame often makes it harder. It’s so impossible to find anyone to date that isn’t just using you for your fame.
Diane: Olivia Rodrigo has a great new song about that!
Sam: We know! We’ve heard it! Several thousand times!
Diane: You can’t love anyone, ‘cause that would mean you had a heart.
Sam: I’m very familiar with the lyrics, you play it every night from the time we get home until the time we go to bed.
Frances: She takes a break during bed? I would’ve thought she had it on repeat even then.,
Diane: Oh, I do.
Carly: Are you guys real people?
Sam: Sadly. Somehow.
Leslie: Actually, I believe Diane is legally half-vampire now.
Diane: Here we go again, veering off-topic.
Sam: You started it!
Diane: I see a chance to reference Olivia, I take it. Sorry about it.
Charlotte: All I was saying is I’m lonely and want a man who wants me for me and not my fame. That’s all.
Frances: Well, you never know. Acadia National Park is a very romantic place. They say it’s basically the Paris of New England national parks.
Diane: Acadia is the only nat-
Frances: Hush.
Charlotte: I don’t want any of you thinking I’m so desperately lonely that I need to find a man right now. It’s just, while we were on the subject, I couldn’t help but think about it.
Sam: I’m glad you aren’t, because there’s a whole series of Hallmark Channel movies now about finding loves at national parks, and I really don’t want you to go down such a stereotypical path.
Frances: How do you know what movies they’re airing on Hallmark?
Sam: That’s none of your beeswax. Finish your pancakes so we can go hiking!
Carly: I’ve seen that sort of combative deflection before. She watches that channel like a teenager watches TikTok.
Diane: Not only teenagers!
Frances: Are you okay? You don’t have to try to fit in with the kids, it’s all right.
Garry: Wait, are we going hiking today? I didn’t realize this was going to be a hiking vacation. I’m wearing a sweater! It’s July!
Sam: Were you unaware of the date on the calendar before we left the hotel for the day?
Garry: I just didn’t think we were doing any physical activity. We’re in a cute little town, I thought we’d explore it.
Sam: We’re in one of the great American parks, I think we should take that in. Bask in the natural beauty of our country. We can shop anytime.
Garry: Can I at least go back to the hotel to change?
Sam: We don’t have time for that, Garry! Don’t you have a shirt on under your sweater?
Garry: Just a tank top.
Sam: Good enough! Let’s get out of here.
Leslie: Who made you the leader? I’m technic-
Sam: Never claimed to be the leader, I just recognize that someone’s gotta be in charge of keeping us moving along. No one else seems up to the job.
Frances: We’re on vacation. None of us are really worried about how fast we’re getting from place to place. We’re supposed to be relaxing.
Sam: I want to see all this place has to offer. I don’t want to have to come back. Who ever heard of someone spending their retirement in Maine?
Frances: Yeah, Maine’s a young man’s game. All the kids come here. The seniors go to lame-o places like Disney World and Hawaii.
Sam: That was almost sarcastic enough to be something I’d say. Good job.
Charlotte: All right, before she starts complaining again, I’ve finished my breakfast. I’m ready to go.
Sam: Thank you! It’s nice to see someone with their head in the game. Such little time here, we can’t waste it.
Diane: I guess our conversation’s done for the morning. Let me just slurp down my blueberry oatmeal. I won’t get to savor the fresh taste of genuine Maine blueberries, but that’s okay.
Sam: Hey, that’s your fault for ordering oatmeal. Who gets oatmeal at a restaurant?
Diane: You’re a mean lady.
Sam: I know.
Later that day, at the Acadia Visitor Center…
Leslie: Okay, so we all understand the game plan here?
Sam: Yes. We’re famous, beloved celebrities - and Garry - and, therefore, we will stay in the vehicle while you and Melanie go inside and get a park pass and get directions. We’re famous, Leslie, not idiots. It’s a simple plan to understand.
Leslie: All right, then we’re going in. Get ready for a thrilling week of adventure!
Garry: I have one question about the plan.
Sam: Of course you do.
Garry: I know Leslie’s going in without us so we don’t get mobbed by fans in there, but what about walking in the park? Won’t be notice us there, too.
Leslie: Stop getting hung up on so-called “logic.”
Frances: We are so getting stopped for pictures every two minutes.
Garry: You all know what they say about fame.
Sam: No, what do they say?
Garry: I don’t know, I was hoping you guys would know. That it sucks, I guess?
Sam: You are so stupid.
Carly: He really is.
Sam: You married him.
Carly: I know, we all have to do charity work sometimes. To stay humble.
Garry: What does that mean?
Carly: Good-natured ribbing, honey. Trust me, if I didn’t love you, I never would’ve let you claim the right side of the bed as your own.
Garry: It’s the side closest to the bathroom.
Carly: I know, but it’s also the side closest to a table and a lamp. It’s fine, though, because I love you.
Sam: Aww, Jesus. Gross.
Diane: I believe what Garry was getting at is that fame, and I am something of an expert here, as I am the biggest celebrity in the world in the eyes of American women between the ages of 65 and 74, is a double-edged sword. It can be so sweet, it can also mean we aren’t allowed to walk in the woods without being stopped for pictures by dozens of strangers. So is the life we chose.
Carly: You guys have high opinions of yourselves, don’t you?
Diane: Extremely.
Frances: We like to think of ourselves as “the Beatles of Baking.”
Charlotte: Don’t include me in that narrative. I would never insult the cultural leaders of my country like that.
Leslie: You think it’s an insult to be compared to us?
Charlotte: Well, they created some of the most popular and influential music of all-time. We judge how cookies taste.
Frances: And cakes!
Garry: And, one time, tapioca pudding.
Frances: That was terrible.
Garry: It wasn’t my idea.
Leslie: You know what? We all have our misses.
Sam: Poor Carly’s gotta live with hers every day.
Melanie: Can we go inside now? I gotta use the ladies room.
Leslie: Oh, right. You guys distract me all the time.
Sam: We’re here to entertain.
Garry: then why do you mostly annoy?
Sam: I’d watch my mouth if I were you!
Melanie: We’re going in. Enjoy your rest now, because we’re about to get physical!
Sam: Thank you for the heads up, Olivia Newton-John. This is not a big twist of fate, but I’ll try not to have a heart attack, anyway. Xanadu.
Inside the visitor’s center…
Leslie: Hi, sir. Rich is, it?
Rich: Hi, ma’am. That’d be the name. Are you looking for a park pass or just looking for directions?
Leslie: Um, both. I want a park pass, but I also have no idea how to navigate this place.
Rich: Okay, I’d be happy to help you with that!
Twenty minutes later…
Rich: So, then you’re going to take a turn on this road, and -
Leslie: Excuse me, um, I’m turned away from it and I’m a little scared to turn around, so I need you to confirm: there’s a commotion behind me, right? I’m not just hearing things that don’t exist?
Rich: You are correct. There’s a huge crowd swarming a woman.
Melanie: Oh my god…
Leslie: What? Did they kill her? Oh my god, you hear about this on TV, but you never expec-
Melanie: I’m pretty sure it’s Charlotte!
Leslie: What? Charl- I’d know that poodle-esque mane anywhere, it is Charlotte!
Rich: So, do you just want the map now? You seem preoccupied?
Leslie: Yeah, that’d be fine.
Ranger (Tom): I’ll go help that woman, don’t you worry about it, Rich.
Charlotte: Hey, back off, people! I’m human just like any of you! I’m nothing special!
Tom: Miss, grab my hand.
Charlotte: Miss? You think I’m young enough to be miss?
Tom: Please, we need to get you away from all those people, they’re going to trample you and we don’t want that. I don’t know why they’re acting up like this, though, did you take their parking spot or something?
Charlotte: Don’t you know who I am?
Tom: Can’t say I do, sorry.
Charlotte: Ah, that’s beautiful. Thank you!
Leslie: Charlotte! Why are you in here?
Charlotte: I had to use the bathroom! Is the allowed?
Leslie: You could use one in the park that’s less crowded, this is like Grand Central!
Charlotte: You’ve been in here for an hour, I couldn’t hold it any longer!
Tom: I’m sorry, we have to keep moving along.
Leslie: Be careful with her, she’s an Oscar winner!
Tom: Oscar winner, huh? You know Jamie Lee Curtis?
Charlotte: I gave her her Oscar.
Tom: Wow! I loved her in Halloween. That’s what she won for, right?
Charlotte: Yeah.
Tom: I’m not too plugged into Hollywood, this is a very time-consuming job.
Charlotte: Is this place open year-round?
Tom: Sure is. The winter’s brutal, but it’s beautiful here in every month.
Charlotte: I would love to continue the conversation, but I have to get in there, I drank a lot of coffee at breakfast.
Tom: It was nice getting to meet you, I can finally tell people I’ve met an Oscar winner! I’m practically a celebrity myself now! You know, fame by association.
Leslie: We’re heading out to the car, Charlotte. Good luck getting out!
Charlotte: Ah, thanks.
Ten minutes later…
Tom: Okay, this is where I leave you, Charlotte. You have fun here, it’s a beautiful park.
Charlotte: Thank you for escorting me to the car. I don’t think I would’ve survived the return trip without you throwing your jacket over my head.
Tom: All in a day’s work!
Sam: Okay, thank you Major Tom for all your help at ground control. We’ve gotta get going, Leslie blew a lot of time in there yapping.
Leslie: Not my fault! The ranger I talked to was very nice, very helpful, and very longwinded.
Frances: That’s not a nice thing to say about Charlotte’s new friend.
Tom: No, she means Rich. He is very longwinded. Lotta passion for the job.
Leslie: On the plus side, I’ve memorized the name of every road and landmark in this park and can apply to be a ranger here if our show ever goes belly-up.
Tom: You guys have a show?
Sam: Oh, bless his heart.
Charlotte: Bye, Tom! Nice meeting you!
Charlotte closes the door.
Diane: So… he was cute!
Charlotte: No! You’re embarrassing me!
Garry: Look around you. How could you ever feel embarrassment while you’re around us?
Carly: Wow, she’s blushing!
Leslie: You like him!
Melanie: I think a blind person could see that.
Sam: That was an ableist comment.
Melanie: Sorry, didn't mean it that way!
Charlotte: We’re on vacation, stop putting me on the spot!
Diane (singing) And they called it puppy love!
Charlotte: Oh my god, you all have no chill! Can we just go hiking?
Leslie: We’re actually not hiking today.
Garry: I’m only wearing a tank top and we aren’t even going hiking?
Sam: My god, Garry, your arms are exposed, you aren’t buck naked!
Garry: I feel exposed.
Diane: I don’t think the chat in the visitor’s center was SO long that you had to reschedule our plans because of it.
Leslie: We’re going drive through the park today on this scenic loop. We’ll do a little walking, but not a lot of physical exertion today. We’re mostly going to be at the water and just exploring the area.
Diane: Are you sure?
Leslie: Yep! I want to do this.
Diane: Man, I was so excited to give myself blisters that were going to ruin my whole vacation.
Leslie: Tomorrow’s another day!
Three hours later…
Charlotte: Diane, I have something to tell you.
Diane: Huh?
Charlotte: I have something to tell you.
Diane: What? Speak up?
Charlotte: I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU!
Diane: You know what? We’re at something called a Thunder Hole, maybe just wait until we’re not here.
Charlotte: I just want to tell you, you’re almost a functioning adult.
Diane: The water stopped, I can hear you!
Charlotte: Okay, here I go!
Diane: Ah, it’s starting again.
Charlotte: Just lean in, I’ll say it in your ear.
Diane: Okay! Leaning in!
Charlotte: Tom an I set up a date for tomorrow.
Diane: That’s great! He’s the guy with the jacket at the visitor’s center?
Charlotte: Yep! I just didn’t want to tell them because it’s casual, just a fun little vacation fling.
Diane: This is like the White Lotus. Emphasis on white, too, everyone in this state is whiter than Casper.
Charlotte: I’m excited for this.
Diane: We better get back to the others. They went back to the car ten minutes ago, they’re going to think one of us fell on a rock or something.
One week later…
Charlotte: This was great, but I can’t wait to get back to work.
Leslie: What? Why?
Sam: Aren’t you leaving your new boyfriend here? Is he that bad that you need space already?
Charlotte: I’m going to miss Tom, but what we have is special enough that I know it’ll hold up long distance. He sent me going away flowers. What a guy!
Frances: So Charlotte found a man in Maine. Anything is possible!
Melanie: A man who doesn’t know she’s famous! That’s the dream!
Charlotte: You know, this trip never would’ve happened if Hank hadn’t… you know.
Sam: Are you implying that you’re grateful a man has died?
Charlotte: No! I’m just saying, something beautiful’s come out of it.
Sam: Well, you name your first born after him, the score’s settled.
Charlotte: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
