Bake Your Heart Out Season 5 Episode 7 - Little Ditty ’Bout Sam and Diane

Bake Your Heart Out Season 5, Episode 7
Little Ditty ’ Bout Sam and Diane

The group is walking into the hotel lobby in the morning.

Frances: I am so excited for pie week. Last week was a bust.

Charlotte: A bust? I thought it was great!

Frances: Ice cream is just not a terribly interesting concept for a baking challenge. How many frozen desserts can you really “bake?”

Sam: Who doesn’t like ice cream?

Frances: It’s okay. I’ll take cake or pie any day over it.

Sam: You’re un-American.

Diane: You realize it’s summer, right? What’s more refreshing than ice cream?

Frances: You’re acting like I just damned the Pope, all I said was that I like cake more than ice cream.

Sam: No, you said pie. Pie isn’t even a good food.

Frances: Excuse me?

Garry: I was under the impression you were a big fan of pies.

Charlotte: Filthy, filthy man.

Garry: It was a good joke.

Sam: It was. That hurts to admit.

Frances: How can anyone not love pie? Apple, pumpkin, blueberry, strawberry rhubarb, that chocolate peanut butter thing from Costco… all delicious!

Sam: If I wanted to eat dry apple chunks, I’d just get those apple slices from McDonald’s, like a child.

Garry: I know how wild this will sound for a judge on a baking show, but I actually prefer plain apples to ice cream or pie.

Sam: Idiot.

Frances: My god, man, what is the matter with you?

Leslie: I think, of all the arguments we’ve ever had, this just may be the dumbest.

Diane: That goes without saying.

Sam: It’s the one that matters the absolute most to me.

Melanie: Oh my god, you guys! You have to see this!

Leslie: Oh, finally, someone sane!

Sam: Melanie! Do you like pie or ice cream better? Quick!

Diane: Why are you bothering her with that so early in the morning?

Sam: It’s ice cream, right? Pie is so dry!

Garry: Your pie is dry? I think they make an ointment for that.

Charlotte: Just filthy!

Garry: Oh, don’t be such a puritan!

Sam: The guy dressed like Mr. Rogers is calling someone else a puritan, how quaint!

Leslie: What are you doing here so early, Melanie? You never work this shift.

Melanie: Helping out a friend by covering her shift. It’s good money, so I don’t mind. Now, I need you guys to watch this video, your minds are about to be blown!

Sam: Good to see you’re working hard as ever even with those early morning hours messing with your brain.

Diane: How do I play it? Can you hit it for us?

Leslie: Yeah, we’re not tech savvy.

Sam: Garry can barely operate an Etch-a-Sketch.

Garry: I told you that in confidence!

Sam: And that was your first mistake.

Melanie: There’s a new TikTok craze -

Frances: Tick tock? Like what a clock says?

Melanie: The app, TikTok.

Frances: I’m lost.

Charlotte: Frances, I explained this to you a dozen times, I even set up an account for you.

Frances: I have to deal with these idiots all day, it’s borderline impossible to process information.

Melanie: People on TikTok are doing a dance to the song “Broadcast Boredom” by Danny Huerta -

Sam: Put that in words I can understand, please.

Diane: An artist the kids like released a song that said kids are dancing to in videos on TikTok. It’s not exactly a complex concept.

Melanie: The new song -

Leslie: She’s ignoring our bull today, good for her.

Melanie: It mentions Sam and Diane in it.

Diane: Excuse me?

Sam: I’m suing for residuals!

Leslie: That’s not how that works.

Sam: Don’t care, I am owed compensation for my likeness!

Diane: That would be like if Billy Joel sued Olivia Rodrigo for mentioning him in Deja Vu.

Sam: Why didn’t he, everyone else did even when her songs sounded nothing like hers!

Diane: Billy Joel took the high road, he sang Uptown Girl on stage with her, that’s why I’ve always loved him since I was a teenager.

Sam: Billy Joel was making music back in the 1920s?

Diane: We’re practically the same age!

Sam: I disagree.

Melanie: Do you guys grasp what I’m saying?

Charlotte: The song is called Broadcast Boredom? It’s implying that Sam and Diane, and, by extension, our show, are boring?

Melanie: It’s a little more nuanced than that, but that’s one way to interpret it. I listened to the whole song, though, it’s about his depression and how it makes him lay around and watch TV because he doesn’t want to do anything.

Frances: You know, back when I was the age of this Danny kid, we didn’t talk about things like that. We held that in.

Sam: And clearly, that’s done wonders for you. You turned out great!

Frances: I think so!

Diane: Why are the kids making videos dancing to a song about depression?

Melanie: It’s disco dance pop song.

Diane: About… depression?

Melanie: I didn’t say it made sense. It’s #3 in Billboard though, so it’s working for someone.

Sam: Wait, I’m referenced in a song that went top ten on Billboard? This may be my greatest achievement.

Diane: You have an Emmy!

Sam: This is about my legacy!

Garry: Will anyone be listening to the disco pop TikTok song a year from now? I think this show is a much better argument for a legacy.

Sam: Shut up, Garry!

Diane: Can I see one of the videos?

Melanie: Of course! Showing you the video was the whole point of the conversation.

Sam: I have to say, most of this TikTok dancing is not impressive to me. It just looks like people moving their hips back and forth and flailing their arms, they look stupid.

Garry: As the former host of Ballroom Celebrities, I have to agree. What I saw on there was so much more impressive than the nonsense Carly shows me on TikTok.

Frances: Carly shows you? I guess that’s one benefit of marrying a younger woman, she can use technology for you and you never have to learn it!

Garry: You know, she’s forty, not a teenager.

Frances: And you’re fifty-seven, Garry, you could be her dad!

Garry: Please stop.

Melanie: Okay, here you go. I feel weird saying this, considering the song’s subject, but it’s a lot of fun!

Sam: I’m mentioned in it, of course it’s fun.

Diane: You were ready to due two minutes ago.

Sam: What can I say, I’ve come around to it.

Diane: That didn’t take long.

Sam: Your arguments were very convincing.

Leslie: Can you both shush up and let us watch?

Diane: I like to talk, sorry.

Two hours later…

Sam (singing): Watching TV with the fam, seein’ Diane and Sam

Diane: It’s so catchy, isn’t it?

Frances: Your names are used in it, of course you were going to like it.

Charlotte: The song is very explicitly about how our show is boring. You do get that, right?

Frances: Ah, Charlotte. You win one Oscar, you become allergic to criticism. It’s free publicity, relish in it!

Charlotte: It isn’t even publicity for me, he didn’t say my name!

Paul: What’s going on here, why are you not getting ready for the show?

Leslie: They’re all distracted by a new song.

Paul: Oh, geez, did Olivia Rodrigo release a new song? Diane, you know you’re not allowed t-

Diane: No, it isn’t that. Trust me, you would’ve heard by now.

Paul: So what is it then?

Leslie: Sam and Diane -

Diane: Diane and Sam.

Sam: Just because you were named first one time doesn’t make you better than me! It just rhymed well!

Diane: You tell yourself that if you must.

Leslie: These two bozos are named in a n ew song that’s blown up on TikTok. We’ve sort of been watching the videos all day.

Paul: While I respect your god-given right to TikTok -

Diane: We have to stop the government from banning it!

Paul: Would you all be willing to take a break from scrolling and do your jobs instead?

Sam: That’s the most insane sugges-

Leslie: Yes, we’ll do that right now! You two can focus on you newfound internet fame as soon as we’re done eating some pie!

Sam: There was one TikTok where the people were in chef’s outfits holding whisks and a bag of flower when they singer said our names. We’re not even the ones that bake on this show, but I thought it was so clever!

Leslie: Sam! Work!

Sam: Yeah, you work it, too, girlfriend!

Leslie: Get to work! We’re here because of our jobs, not TikTok!

Charlotte: Wow, Leslie’s laying down the law! Never thought I’d see her have to do that.

Leslie: Desperate times.

Later that night, at dinner…

Diane: Melanie, it so great to get to have dinner with you! You’re usually working at this time, you don’t get to unwind with us after work.

Melanie: No, I get to see you all fully exhausted when you roll in around eight.

Frances: Eight’s getting a little late for me, I like to be in bed by then.

Sam: Hey, thanks for showing us that TikTok, by the way.

Leslie: Yeah, that made for a really productive day at work today.

Melanie: I can tell from your tone that you’re not being sincere there. What happened? Did Sam and Diane try their hand at TikTok?

Diane: No, but that’s an awesome idea!

Frances: Is it?

Leslie: You know how, at the end of the Grinch, his heart grew three sizes because of the kindness of the Whos? Sam’s head grew three sizes today because of the references by the internet teens.

Sam: I’m fascinated to become a meme!

Leslie: The song is a meme, you’re just mentioned in a line of it.

Diane: Why is no one responding to my idea for us to do a TikTok?

Frances: Because we find it horrifying?

Diane: Why? It could be cute, and it’s great promo for the show. Me and Sam can record it on the set and end the video with a little note to watch the show this fall, just like Danny and his “fam.”

Charlotte: Please do not use that word. It sounds so unnatural coming from your mouth.

Diane: I’m not such a boomer that I can’t even use internet lingo.

Garry: Lingo? Isn’t that the game show hosted by RuPaul?

Sam: I don’t know, Garry, because RuPaul didn’t get name-dropped in a Danny Huerta song, did he?

Charlotte: Well, to be fair, neither did Garry.

Garry: Or you! Or you! Don’t forget that!

Charlotte: I’ve got an Oscar, babes, I don’t ned TikTok.

Melanie: She’s really coasting on that, huh?

Charlotte: When you got it, flaunt it.

Leslie: She made us put “Academy Award winner Charlotte Keen” on the poster last season. Her head’s still not as inflated as Sam’s is, though.

Sam: I’m freaking great, and I’m aware of it! Nothing wrong with that!

Diane: Is no one receptive to my TikTok dreams? I think this could be really fun for us!

Garry: Sam is always willing to do something that puts her at the center of attention, I’m sure she’d do it with you.

Sam: Can’t we just do an Entertainment Tonight interview about it or something? Anything that doesn’t involve us dancing.

Garry: Are you above dancing?

Sam: As we’ve discussed, I’m above the TikTok dancing that resembles a leg spasm.

Diane: You guys are no fun!

Leslie: I like the idea, Diane.

Diane: Finally! Someone!

Sam: If it will get you to stop whining about it, fine, I’ll record a TikTok with you.

Diane: Yay! I did it!

Sam: Oh, was it your goal to wear me down mentally?

Diane: Worked, didn’t it?

Frances: We have argument about the funniest and dumbest things.

Charlotte: I’m still not over the pie versus ice cream blowout.

Frances: Don’t remind me.

The next day…

Diane: I have to say, I am SO excited for today’s TikTok!

Sam: My god, you’re still talking about that? It’s one thirty-second video, how is that the current highlight of your life?

Frances: You know what I’m so excited for? You know what the highlight of my life currently is? Going to see Barbie tonight.

Diane: You got a ticket?

Frances: Yeah, six of them.

Paul: One of them better be for me!

Frances: Uh-huh.

Paul: I’m wearing a pink shirt just because I overheard you talking about it last night.

Sam: I just thought you were trying to tell us something without saying it.

Frances: I… I’ll go buy another ticket.

Sam: Goddammit, Frances!

Garry: What about Carly?

Diane: And Melanie?

Frances: All right, nine tickets. We’re gonna single-handedly get this thing above Avatar.

Leslie: Hey, guys, we’ve still got work to do before then, remember? Only halfway through the day.

Diane: What time is the movie, Frances?

Frances: Five.

Diane: Okay, then we better get our asses out there, tell Nathan he won and send Lara packing. That can’t take long, we do it quick enough, we can do the TikTok before Barbie!

Sam: Not that damn TikTok again…

Charlotte: You were quite obsessed with TikTok yesterday, don’t make fun of Diane for it today.

Sam: I was obsessed with BEING a trend, not involving myself in that trend.

Leslie: Um, Diane…

Diane: Yes?

Leslie: The bakers are right behind you.

Diane: Oh, they are?

Leslie: Yeah.

Diane: Don’t listen to me, guys, I drink!

Sam: I don’t think they’re gonna believe that.

Later that night…

Frances: Oh my god, that was perfect! They should just put Margot Robbie’s name on the Oscar already.

Paul: That Dua Lipa song, now that’s music.

Diane: That reminds me!

Sam: Jesus, here we go…

Diane: Our TikTok! We should check how people are responding to it!

Garry: It’s only been a few hours, no one’s probably seen it yet.

Frances: Oh, look, a Fox News story about it.

Diane: Not that I care about THEM, but… what does it say?

Frances: I want to remind you that you said you don’t care about them.

Diane: What does it say?

Frances: “TIKTOK TRAVESTY: TV hosts embarrassed as social media roasts ‘childish boomer’ antics.“

Diane: Oh, well… I’m a Democrat, Fox News can’t hurt me.

Garry: CNN’s not loving it.

Diane: Oh no, this is horrible.

Leslie: Maybe they’re just highlighting the negative, the media loves to do that.

Melanie: Good idea, I’ll check TikTok.

Paul: I wouldn’t.

Melanie: Why?

Paul: Those kids are MEAN!

Diane: I can’t believe it, I embarrassed myself on the internet!

Sam: Look on the bright side, it was bound to happen sooner rather than later.

Frances: Yeah, at least your sex tape didn’t leak!

Diane: Well, that would require sex, wouldn’t it?

Frances: Please don’t roast yourself, it makes us all uncomfortable.

Garry: It can’t possibly be that bad. Can it, Paul?

Paul: One-hundred-sixty-two likes, eight thousand comments, the top one says “This absolutely bl-“

Leslie: I don’t think they need to hear that.

Melanie: Wow, Broadcast Boredom was already dropped to #23 on iTunes. #24 now. #27. Wow, it’s free falling faster than Tom Petty.

Diane: Our TikTok was so bad, it killed a man’s career. I feel bad.

Melanie: Now that I think about it, people really HATE when the subjects of a meme address it, especially when they’re “boomers.” They think it’s “cringe.”

Diane: I don’t understand the internet.

Sam: Can we delete our accounts now?

Diane: I suppose so.

Leslie: Frances, what are you smiling about? You look like the Joker.

Diane: Barbie was just so perfect.

Charlotte: Hey, let one of us be happy. The rest of us are faced with the harsh reality that we’ll have to listen to Diane cry about this for like a week, it hasn’t sunk in yet for Frances.

Frances: It’s starting to now, I’m going in to see Barbie again.

Charlotte: You don’t have a ticket!

Frances: I’m a national treasure, they’ll let me in.

Diane: They wouldn’t let me in… I’m “cringe.”

Frances: Sounds like a Diane problem to me!

What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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