Olivia is sitting in the living room at Buckingham Palace.
Olivia: Hey, uh, Claire… did he forget about me out here?
Claire: His Majesty The King is just wrapping up his meeting, he’ll be with you any minute.
Olivia: He’s your father-in-law, you can just call him Claude. I certainly won’t demean myself by calling him “His Majesty.” I knew him when he was in diapers! Granted, I was also in diapers at that time, but still. We’re family.
Claire: You’re right, he’s my father-in-law - not my father. I can’t disrespect him, I’ll be beheaded.
Olivia: I don’t think they do that anymore.
Claire: No chances here. I quite like my head where it is, on my body.
Olivia: Are you his secretary now? Is that what the Princess of Wales promotion gets you?
Claire: No, everyone else is just busy and I wanted to keep you company. This house is a little eerie when you’re alone, with no one around you but the spirits of generations of kings and queens echoing in the halls.
Olivia: You’re a little bit of a freak, aren’t you? You’re definitely more interesting than I thought!
Claire: Less of a freak and more of a scaredy-cat.
Mandy: Your Majesty, Claude will see you now.
Olivia: Oh my god, I’ve been sitting out here waiting for Claude to finish his meeting with Mandy. Mandy, who apparently thinks I’m the Queen and Claude is just some guy.
Mandy: Eleanor, are you coming?
Olivia: Claire, make sure she gets back to her room. We can’t have her wandering the halls again.
Claire: Will do, Olivia.
Olivia: Oh, am I not Her Royal Highness to you? Am I not scary?
Claire: Eh, you’re not the queen.
Olivia: I am in Mandy’s glaucoma-riddled eyes!
Olivia walks into Claude’s sitting room.
Olivia: Oh, you have to be kidding me.
Claude: Great to see you, my dear sister.
Olivia: What’s this about, and why did you bring in the merry murderesses of the Cook County Jail?
Meredith: I don’t appreciate being mocked.
Olivia: Then I hope you don’t read the newspapers, or watch the telly.
Meredith: I try not to.
Olivia: Somehow, I’m not surprised you’re not big on reading.
Eleanor: Olivia, can you avoid mocking the prime minister?
Olivia: Am I in trouble, Claude? Am I getting kicked out? Are you replacing me with the prime minister who no one likes?
Meredith? Hey!
Olivia: Don’t you have a leprechaun to chase?
Meredith: That’s a horrible stereotype!
Claude: You aren’t in trouble, we’re here to celebrate you.
Meredith: Celebrate me?
Olivia: He obviously meant me. You should just be grateful anytime you meet someone that doesn’t spit on you. And, speaking of celebrating me, these folks would not be my choice for that.
Christine: Trust me, I’m not thrilled about the idea myself.
Olivia: What, exactly, do you have in mind for celebrating me? A statue? Is Trayman here to help plan out where they’re installing it? I would also settle for a street named after me in the center of town.
Claude: It’s your birthday in a few weeks, your seventieth birthday.
Olivia: Must you remind me?
Meredith: Wow, you look great for seventy!
Olivia: Thank you, bozo, flattery will get you everywhere. I may even vote for you in the next election now.
Eleanor: Olivia!
Olivia: I didn’t say anything wrong.
Ethan: Sometimes our kids never grow up.
Olivia: Did you call me in here just to remind me of my age and have everyone give me a hard time?
Claude: As you are celebrating a milestone birthday -
Olivia: Who said I was celebrating it? Unlike most people, I’m wise enough not to celebrate the slow march towards death.
Claude: You are reaching a milestone birthday, and that’s why we’re going to host a big birthday bash for you here at Buckingham.
Olivia: Not bloody likely.
Claude: It’s already in motion, and everyone in this room is taking some small part in setting it in motion.
Olivia: You asked Trayman to take part in the planning of the birthday party I don’t want? What’s she going to do, annoy the guests so much that they realize I’m not so bad?
Meredith: I’m going to assist in ensuring heads of state attend the birthday.
Olivia: Now my becoming old is a matter of state business. My god, this just gets worse.
Christine: Most people would be grateful for such an elaborate affair being thrown in their honor.
Olivia: Have you met me? Have you seen where I live? I’d much rather spend my time riding horses in my backyard then rubbing elbows with heads of state I’ve never met at a party “honoring” me.
Claude: You are a grand, integral figure in this family. You deserve a big celebration fitting your stature.
Olivia: I don’t like parties!
Arthur: We’re pretty sure we can get Paul McCartney to play it.
Olivia: At least one person in the room will be older than me.
Eleanor: You’re forgetting me, dear!
Olivia: No, I’m not. You can’t come!
Eleanor: Pardon me?
Olivia: If I’m being forced to have a party, then I at least get a say in the guest list. You’re not on it!
Eleanor: Why would I not be?
Olivia: You’re insane! You’ll ruin it!
Meredith: You are heartless!
Olivia: Better than brainless.
Meredith: I have no idea why I still want to help with your party, but I still do.
Olivia: Because I’m still nicer to you than ninety percent of the British public.
Christine: She isn’t wrong.
Eleanor: I’m coming to the party, dear. It’s the reward I reap from giving birth to you. You were an extremely large baby.
Claude: We’ll get that sorted out before the party. Vogue wants to do an interview with you to celebrate the occasion, I told them to send a reporter to the party and you’d be happy to talk with them.
Olivia: Anna Wintour can kiss my grits, as her fellow Americans say.
Christine: Anna is British! I know because we’re friends.
Arthur: You’ve never mentioned that before, mum.
Olivia: About as British as baseball or apple pie!
Ethan: You seem to be unenthused about your big birthday plans.
Olivia: I don’t like the idea of getting old, Ethan. Six-nine, eh, doesn’t sound that old. Also, I’ve been told it’s a very funny number, I don’t know why, but I’ve been told that. Seventy, on the other hand… they’re asking when you’re going to put gran in the care home.
Ethan: Seventy isn’t so old, you’re fine! It’s the new sixty!
Olivia: Sixty isn’t young, Ethan!
Ethan: I’m trying here.
Arthur: Hey, most grans aren’t out there horseback riding or working as hard as you are.
Eleanor: I was! She takes after me!
Claude: Are you trying to tell me you don’t want the party?
Olivia: I feel like I’d be letting all of England down if I turned it down.
Meredith: And Northern Ireland!
Claude: You wouldn’t be letting anyone down, I just think you should allow yourself to enjoy this milestone. Let us give you the day you deserve for all your service.
Olivia: Does Trayman have to be there?
Meredith: Hey, I’ve done nothing to you!
Claude: I think it would be best if she were there, to keep up appearances.
Olivia: All right, but I won’t talk to her.
Meredith: Fine by me!
Eleanor: This is going to be so great for you. You couldn’t ever be Queen, but at least we get to show to the world just how much you mean to this family and this country.
Olivia: Please don’t spent too much on this. I don’t need to become the face of the republicans’ arguments about the family’s needless spending.
Claude: We will keep it as reserved and simple as possible.
Olivia: Well… I did drive all the way from the countryside for this meeting. I suppose I do deserve a party, just for that.
Claude: Very well, then. You’d better get going, we have a party to plan.
Olivia: I’m getting kicked out?
Eleanor: It comes from a place of love.
Later that night, when Olivia returns home…
Gigi: Where the hell have you been? Fred said you stepped out to get eggs.
Olivia: I was at the Tesco, ready to check out, and your uncle called me and said it was urgent. I sped to Buckingham and totally forgot to tell anyone about it.
Fred: I was worried you’d been kidnapped. Again.
Olivia: You know what they say, kidnap me once, shame on you, kidnap me twice, shame on me.
Fred: Do they say that?
Olivia: Stop interrogating me!
Fred: So what was the reason for the urgent Buckingham visit?
Olivia: Claude wants to throw me a big birthday bash to celebrate my seventieth.
Fred: A big birthday party for you? Has he met you?
Olivia: I had a smilier response when he suggested it. Nevertheless, I did agree to let him do it.
Gigi: Mum, are you unwell?
Olivia: In many ways, yes. I don’t think this would be a bad idea, though. Sure, it’s not something I usually would agree to, but it’s good for national morale. The press will run puff pieces about it for days and everyone loves a good party! Plus, we have a nice party and entertain some diplomats at it, it’ll ease up international relations. They love being schmoozed!
Gigi: You sure have a high opinion of yourself, if you think a birthday party is all it takes to make the country happier and make our allies like us more.
Olivia: I’m only repeating what your king told me. Are you calling His Majesty a liar?
Gigi: At the risk of committing treason, I would say he tricked you into agreeing to a birthday party. Why he would do that, I can’t guess.
Olivia: Regardless, I think we’re in for a nice night. He promised it would be a reserved affair.
Gigi: And you believe that?
Fred: When has your family ever been reserved? You don’t even have to make reservations at restaurants. If every table is full, they just kick someone out of theirs and clear one for you.
Olivia: That isn’t true.
Fred: I saw it happen when I went out for coffee with Ethan.
Olivia: Regardless, it’s going to be a tame affair by our standards. I was assured of this, he knows I don’t need a relentless reminder of my age, just a nice celebration of life.
Fred: Celebration of life?
Gigi: Is that not what people use to describe a funeral?
Olivia: Don’t talk about funerals! I’m not that old!
Gigi: Well…
Olivia: You’ll be uninvited from my party!
Gigi: It sounds like it’ll be a bore, anyway.
Olivia: You take that back!
Gigi: Now, if you excuse me, I have a concert to go to. I was coming here to ask you if you could watch my kids, but I’ve got no time, so I’ll just have to leave them in the car outside the arena.
Olivia: Is Alyssa not old enough to stay home alone? She’s sixteen, no?
Gigi: You left a nanny with us kids until Todd was eighteen. Not until I was eighteen - when Todd was! I was in my twenties with a nanny!
Olivia: That was a hint it was time for you to move out! Somehow, you didn’t get it until you were twenty-five!
Gigi: I’m heading out, I’ll speed home so we can drop the kids off on the way. See you soon!
Olivia: I’ll be waiting with bated breath!
Three weeks later, at Buckingham Palace…
Olivia: Oh my god…
Todd: Mum, didn’t you say this was supposed to be a small party?
Gigi: I believe the word was “reserved.”
Fred: There’s an ice sculpture of your head!
Olivia: Perhaps this is Claude’s version of reserved?
Norah: Is that the American President over there?
Olivia: Michael Douglas is at my birthday party? Fred… I might have to -
Norah: The actual President!
Olivia: Oh, that guy… your mum must’ve invited him.
Norah: My mum?
Meredith: Norah, darling! You’ve made it!
Todd: Madam Prime Minister, always a pleasure.
Meredith: I’ll be your mum-in-law soon enough, no need to call me that. Call me mum!
Gigi: Mum-in-law? Did I miss something?
Norah: No, she’s just embarrassing!
Todd: Okay m-
Olivia: Don’t you dare!
Meredith: Ah, Your Riyal Highness, always a pleasure!
Olivia: This is everyone, right? I’m the last guest to arrive at my own party?
Meredith: I’m not under that impression, no.
Olivia: I’m going to kill him!
Meredith: All right, as Prime Minister, I pledge allegiance to the King, I’m going to have to inform him of the threat on his life.
Olivia: It’s my party, I can threaten to kill my brother if I want to.
Fred: I don’t remember those lyrics in the song.
Claire: Olivia, you’ve arrived!
Mandy: Who is Olivia? De Havilland? My old friend!
Olivia: Oh my god, you’re old.
Mandy: You’re older than me, Livie!
Olivia: No one calls me “Livie…”
Mandy: Why so testy today?
Claire: It’s so nice to see you, Olivia, happy birthday, I’m going to go get Mandy to somewhere she can rest.
Mandy: I don’t want to rest, I want some of that cheese ball!
Claire: Why did I have to sign up for Mandy duty?
Olivia: Does anyone know where the King is?
Ethan: He’s being a diva, still picking out a tie. He’ll be down soon enough.
Olivia: Then where’s mum? I can at least yell at her to pass the time.
Eleanor: You rang?
Olivia: Ah! You’re like a ninja! A four-foot-nine, ninety year-old ninja with severe osteoporosis.
Eleanor: Are you upset about the party?
Olivia: It’s a lot, mum. I asked for simple, yet elegant. This looks like a coronation. It does not reflect my modest lifestyle. It makes me look like a malignant narcissist with an inflated ego and self of worth.
Eleanor: It’s a birthday party!
Ethan: Yeah, Liv. You only turn seve-
Olivia: Don’t!
Ethan: It’s a milestone for you, embrace it, enjoy it, bask in it, let people celebrate it with you.
Olivia: I’m old! I don’t like being old!
Eleanor: Dear, you’re making a scene.
Olivia: Like I care! Look around you, this is utter madness!
Eleanor: I see nothing abnormal, this is a typical family party.
Olivia: You have a caviar bar at a typical family party? How about a trio of chocolate fountains with your choice of milk, dark or white chocolate? And who doesn’t have napkins made of fine Chinese silk with their own face pressed onto them at every family function?
Eleanor: We have the best of everything because we think you are the best. Is that so hard to believe?
Olivia: Yes! I just came back into the fold two years ago! I don’t know what reason any of you would possibly have to like me this much! I don’t like anyone this much! Not even Fred!
Fred: Please don’t drag me into this.
Olivia: Are you eating caviar?
Fred: I wanted to see what all the fuss is all about!
Gigi: Terrible, ain’t it?
Fred: It tastes like ocean water and regret. Why is it so expensive?
Ethan: Because we rich folks like to convince ourselves it tastes good. None of us think it does, but we keep up the act because it makes us feel nice.
Fred: That’s so stupid that I may even understand Olivia’s point now.
Olivia: Thank you! Wait, you didn’t see my point?
Fred: I’m sorry, I was enchanted by the chocolate fountains, it’s like the Bellagio in here. I’ve seen the light, though.
Arthur: Auntie, the interviewer for Vogue is here.
Eleanor: Not the time, dearie.
Arthur: How long should I tell Anna it’ll be?
Olivia: Anna… Wintour?
Arthur: Yeah.
Olivia: I have some thoughts I’d like to tell her about!
Ethan: Well… now’s your chance!
Arthur: Also, the photographer is here for your portrait.
Olivia: Portrait?
Arthur: Well, two photographers are here, actually.
Olivia: I’ve said it already, I’ll say it again, I’m going to kill your father.
Arthur: The one is here for your official royal portraits the other is from Vogue. You’re seen as something of a fashion icon.
Olivia: I hate everything about this.
Arthur: I’ll tell them you’ll be there momentarily.
Gigi: Reserved.
Olivia: Don’t rub it in!
Eleanor: Ah, look, darling, your brother’s arrived.
Olivia: How long would I be jailed if I -
Ethan: Don’t even say it, we have snipers, you’ll be gone before you can finish the sentence.
Olivia: Snipers?
Ethan: Come on, this is an elaborate operation, we need security!
Olivia: Snipers?!?
Claude: Ah, Olivia, the lady of the evening! You look marvelous!
Christine: Darling, perhaps consider a different phrase?
Claude: Did Disney copyright “marvelous” now?
Christine: You just accidentally described your sister as a prostitute.
Eleanor: Christine! Sure lurid language!
Christine: I wasn’t the one who implied it, take it up with your king!
Olivia: Your Majesty… we have to speak in private.
Claude: Come on, Liv, they’re annoying, but not SO bad…
Christine: I’m what?
Claude: I love you, dear, but surely you can concede -
Christine: I am a delight and a huge help.
Olivia: We have lots to discuss!
Claude: All glowing, I presume.
Christine: Technically, I’m also Your Majesty, if you want to chat, as well.
Olivia: No, I don’t want to rip your head off.
Eleanor: Just do it gently, Olivia!
Olivia and Claude walk over to a corner to talk.
Olivia: Claude, pardon my language. What the hell is this?
Claude: What ever do you mean?
Olivia: How is this party “reserved” in any way? I saw less people when I was at Grand Central Station!
Claude: One thing led to another, and it all got out of hand. We tried our best.
Olivia: You tried your best? Your best isn’t very good, apparently!
Claude: I wanted to give you a nice celebration, is that so wrong?
Olivia: I don’t like things to be so over-the-top, especially not when I look around and see “70” plastered all over this place. It’s like my Scarlet Number.
Claude: Aging is natural, embracing it is healthy. I’m not trying to mock you, I just think my sister deserves a celebration as a way to thank her for all that she’s done for us.
Olivia: What have I done?
Claude: You are the heart of this family, we are so much happier since you’ve returned.
Olivia: I find that hard to believe.
Claude: Don’t believe it, but it’s fully true. I’m so grateful for you.
Olivia: I wish you’d listened to me, then. This is too much.
Claude: It’s one day, just relax and enjoy it.
Olivia: I can sense you’re being genuine. I do appreciate everything that you’ve done here for me.
Claude: If the magazine spreads are too much, I’ll tell Vogue and Vanity Fair to screw right off.
Olivia: Vanity Fair, too?
Claude: Yeah, ain’t it great?
Olivia: I’m going to put a brave face on and suck it up and have fun.
Claude: That’s the way to do it!
Olivia: You better have gotten me a good gift to put up with all of this.
Claude: I got a great one. This party.
Olivia: I should hit you!
Claude: I wouldn’t that with all these snipers around!
Olivia: Surely they wouldn’t shoot the birthday girl at her own party?
Claude: Not if I tell them not to. So stay on my good side, enjoy the party, we’ll be fine.
Olivia: Goodness, this life is exhausting.
Claude: And I wouldn’t have it any other way! Now, hurry up and get your Vogue shoot done so you can enjoy the party. It didn’t come cheap!
Olivia: Can I at least listen to the Madonna song to get me in the mood first?
Claude: Come on, Vogue! It’s your party, after all!
Olivia: Don’t remind me.
What did you think of the season premiere of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the next episode next week!
