The group walks onto the set of Bake Your Heart Out.
Diane: Ah, it’s so good to be back!
Sam: Yeah, it’s so nice, you almost forget a man died in this very spot less than two weeks ago.
Diane: You’re always such a Debbie Downer. Didn’t Monty Python teach you to always look on the bright side of life?
Sam: At least I’m alive. That’s a bright spot for me. Poor Hank, he can’t relate.
Diane: Don’t make light of it, Sam!
Sam: I wasn’t! In fact, I think we should consider retiring his jersey or something.
Leslie: Ah, man, you are such an idiot.
Sam: What? I’m honoring the fallen!
Garry: Do you think the viewers are going to be able to tell we had time off?
Frances: No, Garry. They’ll ask no questions about how you turned into a lobster from one episode to the next.
Garry: Am I really that sunburned?
Leslie: We’ll get the makeup people on it. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll fix it in post.
Garry: Can they put makeup on this? Won’t that damage the skin?
Sam: They can’t possibly damage it any worse.
Frances: Only Garry manages to go to Maine on vacation and come back looking like he spent the week lounging on the beaches of Florida.
Garry: I burn very easily, I have extremely fair skin.
Paul: Oh my god! How are you alive?
Leslie: Hello, Paul, good morning!
Paul: Garry, are you okay?
Garry: I’m peeling slightly. I might shed my skin like a snake, but I’m fine otherwise.
Paul: Ah, man, we’re gonna get the medic in here and get this cleared up.
Garry: I don’t need one, I’m good.
Paul: At least put some aloe on it. Just for us.
Sam: Yeah, Freddy Krueger.
Frances: All right, I’m going to my dressing room. Vacation took me out of the groove and I forgot to bring anything to wear that’s camera-ready. Hopefully, I’ve got something in the closet.
Diane: You could borrow something of mine if you want.
Frances: That’s very sweet of you, I’ll have to pass.
Diane: You didn’t even check yet.
Frances: I’ve seen your wardrobe.
Diane: Aw, that was mean.
Sam: Proud of you, Frances!
The next day…
Diane: Bakers, you mastered French pastry this week, and gave us one of the most well-rounded, strongest early competition rounds in Bake Your Heart Out history.
Sam: The judges were extremely impressed by your resilience after what has occurred on the show thus far, and we are so grateful you’ve all stuck it out with us.
Diane: With that said, some of your bakes stood above the rest. Carter, you may share a name with a one-term president, but your bakes this week assure you’ll be experiencing deja vu in the competition.
Sam: Lara, you Croft-ed some of the best macrons our judges have ever tasted, and I apologize for that pun.
Diane: And Nina, your eclairs put a spell on the judges, keep them raving for hours after they tasted them.
Sam: In the end, only one of you can be Top Baker, and only one person was able to make that sale… our resident realtor, Lara!
Diane: There were plenty of others who did enough to get by, including Calvin, Edgar, Nancy and Nathan.
Sam: That leaves three bakers. None of you did “Eiffel” this week, but you were a notch below the rest.
Diane: Crystal, your eclairs were nearly soggy, and left the judges feeling as if you could have done better. However, you are safe.
Crystal: Ah, thank the lord.
Sam: Kamala, you were last week’s top baker, but this week’s bakes just fell a bit short of being marvelous. Your decorating was a bit confusing, and your flavors in the grand challenge weren’t as strong as the judges were hoping for.
Diane: Geno, your macrons were crumbly, so crumbly, in fact, that they weren’t even able to hold together long enough for Charlotte to taste a full one.
Sam: As was I. Supremely disappointed, to say the least.
Diane: Sam, can you do the elimination today?
Sam: I’d rather not.
Diane: Okay, fine, I’ll do the French Exit this time. Leaving the competition this week, unfortunately, is… Geno.
Sam: Ah, Geno, our police officer. Thank you for joining us, we’re sorry you couldn’t cop another week in the competition.
Diane: Thank you for watching Bake Your Heart Out, tune in next week for a celebration of frozen desserts!
Leslie: Cut!
Paul: Whose phone was ringing? Would you put the ringer on next time?
Sam: I think it was mine.
Frances: Well, no one else has Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina as their ringtone, so I think it has to be yours.
Garry: That’s her ringtone? And she mocks me?
Sam: It’s a catchy tune, don’t judge.
Leslie: Don’t worry, Paul, our mics probably didn’t pick it up. And if they did, we’ve got enough money to cut Andrew Lloyd Webber a check.
Paul: I’ll be the judge of that.
Sam: Hey, guys, I know you all like to rush out of here after work, but wait up for me. I have to call Nicolle. She called me like five times, so I’m guessing it’s important.
Frances: Maybe she’s just sitting on her phone and keeps redialing by accident.
Sam: She’d have to be a Garry-level moron to do that.
Charlotte: Come on, he’s not so dumb.
Garry: Thank you!
Charlotte: Sure, him continuing to hang out with you is not a sign of high intelligence, but -
Sam: Okay, enough attention on the lobster.
Garry: I saw myself in the mirror, I look fine.
Frances: Maybe it’s time to get your eyes checked.
Sam walks away and calls Nicolle.
Sam: Honey, you called me an insane number of times, I’m worried.
Nicolle: There’s no need to be worried, I’m fine!
Sam: Are you sure?
Nicolle: I’m sure! It’s just a small flesh wound.
Sam: What? What flesh wound?
Nicolle: Didn’t you listen to the messages I left?
Sam: One, I don’t know how to open my messages, two, I was too busy eating eclairs.
Nicolle: I got lightly, and I mean lightly, stabbed today.
Sam: You got stabbed? How are you calm?
Nicolle: I may have been given a small sedative.
Sam: You’re at the hospital.
Nicolle: I lost a very small amount of blood. The doctors weren’t very concerned.
Sam: Oh my god, start from the beginning! Getting it in pieces is just making it sound even worse.
Nicolle: I was walking down the street, minding my business, and a man came up to me, screamed to give my purse. I didn’t have one, and he went on a very misogynistic rant after that and held up a knife to my stomach until I handed something over. I didn’t want to give my ring, so I found with him, and I got stabbed in the process. Someone called the paramedics for me and I was taken off to Mount Sinai. I did lose a bit of blood, but not a concerning amount, and the doctors say it didn’t hit any vital organs. They stitched it up and I got a nice cottage cheese snack and now I’m being discharged. Not a terrible day in all.
Sam: Not a terrible day? You were assaulted!
Nicolle: But I lived! I got lucky.
Sam: What about that was lucky?
Nicolle: Like I said, I lived! It very easily could’ve punctured an organ and that would’ve been ballgame.
Sam: You know I’m not the type of lesbian that knows sports. No sports puns.
Nicolle: Yes, I’m well aware. Won’t happen again.
Sam: How are you feeling? And, at the risk of you lying to me, just how much blood is “not a concerning amount?”
Nicolle: I feel fine. Grateful, even.
Sam: I feel like a broken record her, but I must ask… grateful?!?
Nicolle: I choose to look on the bright side. It’s just about the only way to stay sane.
Sam: I’m coming to visit you, though. Is that okay?
Nicolle: You’re my wife, of course it’s okay! You’re not going to wait on me and tend to my injury, though, I’m just fine. You’re coming here in the capacity of a wife, not a nurse.
Sam: Since when have you ever known me to wait on anyone?
Nicolle: You can’t make Diane do it, either.
Sam: Fine…
Nicolle: I’m fine. I really am. I need you to not worry about me.
Sam: I’ll be there tonight. See you then!
Nicolle: I see that this is a battle I will not win, and I’m going to stop trying to convince you. I’ll see you tonight, my love.
Sam hangs up.
Charlotte: So, what was she calling about? Did she want to remind you to record tonight’s Bachelorette?
Diane: Come on, Charlotte. She knows Sam has me, I’ll never let her miss it.
Sam: Okay, I need you to all remember when I tell you this that she says she;’s fine and not to freak out, because if you all freak out, then it’ll send me into a tailspin and I’ll be freaking out. So please, don’t.
Leslie: Oh no, it’s cancer. She’ll get through it! We believe in her!
Diane: What if it’s COVID?
Frances: Huh?
Sam: Stop guessing!
Garry: Malaria.
Sam: Stop! She got stabbed on the street. She lost some blood, but the doctors aren’t concerned and said it was basically a superficial wound. They aren’t even keeping her in the hospital overnight.
Diane: Stabbed? Someone stabbed her? For what?
Sam: You think I know? I don’t make a habit of walking around stabbing my wife, Diane. I don’t know where the motive would come from.
Diane: Was it a random attack, a targeted one from a stalker or enemy, a robbery gone wrong…?
Sam: Is there a way for a robbery to go right?
Frances: Yeah, it doesn’t end in bloodshed.
Sam: Fair point.
Leslie: So she’s really okay?
Sam: I don’t know, I’m going to drive there tonight to see her. She said not to worry, but I need to check on her. Regardless of what she claims, that’s a traumatic thing to go through for anyone.
Garry: Wow, Sam caring about someone else’s feelings? Sam being attentive to someone else’s needs? I don’t even recognize her anymore.
Diane: She can be very sweet when she wants to be.
Paul: I’ll tell you, the city isn’t safe anymore.
Frances: Oh, don’t be such a Republican.
Paul: I’m not trying to be a Republican, I’m just being realistic. You don’t hear about that happening here.
Leslie: Someone would have to live here for them to commit crimes.
Paul: Exactly, it’s just safer in the quiet beachside towns.
Charlotte: You permanently reside in the quiet beachside town of Los Angeles, population four million.
Paul: That’s different, actors don’t attack people.
Charlotte: What about the person who plays the Flash?
Paul: Okay, some actors do.
Sam: He does raise a point, in his own needlessly complicated way. If Nicolle were living here, this probably wouldn’t have happened. There’s a reason Law & Order takes place in New York and not in Rhode Island. There’s just more violence there, because there’s more people.
Frances: It’s perfectly understandable to want your wife to live with you, but even if she would live here with you, it can’t assure her safety. Sometimes bad things happen.
Sam: The thought of her living alone, walking alone, in this huge city, it just frightens me.
Charlotte: Don’t you live alone in LA?
Paul: I told you, LA is just different.
Charlotte: I’ve yet to hear an explanation.
Frances: They’re West Coasters. They feel safe and at home in LA, NYC is a scary place because it’s foreign to them. That’s where bad things happen, not like how safe it is back at home. Myself? No one place scares me, I’m an adult. Well, except for Florida, that place is hell on earth.
Diane: Aside from insulting an entire US state, I think Frances raises a good point. You’re afraid of what is unnatural to you. You want Nicolle to come here because you feel safe here and think she’ll be safe, too.
Sam: As much as I admire your armchair psychology, I’m still going to visit Nicolle. I just have to check on her, make sure everything’s all right.
Diane: Of course! We’re going with you!
Paul: Are we?
Frances: Not you!
Paul: Oh, of course not…
Leslie: We need someone to watch the place!
Paul: I think that’s why we have security, no?
Leslie: Silly Paul! Now, everyone, get in the car, New York’s a four hour drive and we want to get there before Nicolle goes to bed.
Sam: She’s not ninety, Leslie, she doesn't go to bed at seven.
Leslie: If I don’t mention it as a possibility, we’ll never get Garry moving.
Sam: Why would I want Garry moving? Leave him here! Paul, drive him back to the hotel.
Garry: I’m great moral support.
Sam: If you come to New York with us, I’ll shank you.
Garry: Okay, I’ll stay home with my beautiful wife and bouncing baby girl.
Sam: Fine, that does sound better than a trip to New York. You can come with.
Garry: Yes!
Frances: Must you be so obnoxious?
Garry: I didn’t do anything!
Charlotte: I can’t wait for four straight house of this in the car.
Later that night, at Nicolle’s apartment…
Nicolle: Oh my god, the gang’s all here!
Sam: Of course they are! They were all deeply concerned about your incident today.
Melanie: I admittedly don’t know you like everyone else, but from the moment Leslie shoved me into her car and told me I was coming to visit you, I was very concerned about your wellbeing.
Nicolle: Well, uh, come on in. I don’t really have the room for all of you, or any of you, but try to make yourselves at home.
Frances: Don’t worry, Paul’s putting us up at the Plaza tonight. We’re just here to make sure you’re okay.
Leslie: Is Paul aware?
Frances: He’ll understand.
Diane: So, how are you? Do you need some tea? I’ll get you some tea.
Nicolle: I’m fine!
Frances: Let’s see the cut.
Nicolle: It really isn’t anyth-
Melanie: Oh my god! That’s horrible!
Sam: I don’t mind it. You look like a sexy Bride of Frankenstein.
Charlotte: That implies that the Bride of Frankenstein isn’t already sexy, very incorrect.
Frances: What?
Nicolle: It looks bad, I know, no need to sugarcoat it or… fetishize it.
Sam: I’m trying to look on the bright side, it’s what Diane told me to do.
Diane: I didn’t say to be weird about it!
Melanie: I’m sorry for my outburst, I have such sympathy for victims of violent crimes, I shouldn’t have said it.
Nicolle: None of you have to dance around it. The cut’s gross, it looks bad, I’ll get through it. I do appreciate you all stopping by, though. If I’m being honest, the emotional toll of it is much worse than the physical pain. It’s good to see friendly faces.
Sam: That brings me to something I wanted to mention to you. I really think you should consider coming to Rhode Island, leaving this city behind. This is not a place to live by yourself as a woman. You’re the primary target for violent criminals looking for an easy mark.
Nicolle: I’ve live in New York for years, I have a job here, I can manage it just fine.
Sam: You got stabbed today!
Nicolle: For the first time ever.
Sam: It really only takes the one time for someone to die.
Nicolle: I lived. I doubt this will ever happen again. You don’t have to worry about me.
Leslie: I think this is a private convers-
Sam: Sit down!
Leslie: Okay, will do.
Nicolle: I’m not moving from New York, not until I retire.
Sam: You can’t work on the paper from somewhere other than New York?
Nicolle: No, I can’t.
Sam: Then how long until you retire?
Nicolle: Three years.
Sam: What if someone pushes you onto the subway before then?
Garry: The sandwich shop?
Charlotte: The famous underground train.
Garry: Oh, that makes more sense.
Nicolle: Honey, no one’s going to push me onto a train. Do you trust my instinct?
Sam: Yes.
Nicolle: Then you can trust me when I say I’ll be fine.
Sam: I guess all I needed was to hear you say it. I won’t push the issue again. However -
Nicolle: No! No more!
Sam: I’m going to try to visit you more often here, so you aren’t alone so much.
Nicolle: I’d like that a lot.
Sam: I would like use to do some alone things while I am here.
Leslie: Okay, time to go. See you two tomorrow!
Garry: I don’t get it, she just made us st-
Leslie: Garry, get up!
Garry: Getting up.
Nicolle: Hey, honey.
Sam: Yeah?
Nicolle: Just, uh, try not to put too much pressure on the wound.
Sam: I’ll try my best.
Diane: Ah, love. Isn’t it so sweet? And a little disgusting.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
