The group is at breakfast at the Sunrise Diner.
Charlotte: Diane, is something the matter? You look, uh… how do I say this?
Sam: Suicidal.
Diane: I found out something traumatic earlier today.
Sam: And you didn’t immediately tell me? Are we even best friends anymore?
Diane: I’m still processing it.
Leslie: Diane, we’ll get through it together. Cancer has a way of coming back, even when you feel healthy. You beat it once, I know you’ll do it again.
Diane: Cancer? No! I’m fit as a fiddle.
Garry: Where did that phrase ever come from? Are fiddles known for being very fit?
Frances: Diane, tell us what’s wrong. Or even just start talking about something else, I can’t deal with Garry’s philosophical dilemmas this early in the morning.
Diane: Promise me you won’t all think I’m silly for being upset about this?
Sam: We deal with Garry all day, nothing you can spit out will ever be as dumb as the nonsense he comes up with.
Garry: I’ve said nothing today.
Sam: Really, fiddle man?
Garry: I’ll just sit here and eat my eggs Benedict, I’m not saying anything.
Sam: If only that were true.
Diane: Do I still have the stage?
Leslie: Yes, go ahead.
Diane: My sister is coming for a visit.
Charlotte: You have a sister?
Sam: Oh, you sweet summer child.
Charlotte: Is this common knowledge?
Leslie: That’s right, she wasn’t on the show back when Diana made her guest appearance.
Charlotte: They named you Diane and Diana?
Diane: Our parents were very unimaginative.
Charlotte: Why has no one ever told me about this?
Frances: It’s a sore spot for our show. We’re still traumatized.
Charlotte: Traumatized? About what?
Leslie: Diane and Diana are identical twin sisters. They look exactly alike. They do not act at all alike.
Diane: Thank you.
Leslie: For example, Diane is good at hosting. Diana is a four-alarm tire fire.
Diane: I fell ill one day during filming. I called Diane and asked her to fill in for me even though we’re mostly estranged. She wanted to get back in my good graces, and thus she agreed to do so, though only after a lot of coaxing from me. I’ve been told it was a disaster, but I’ve never watched the episode myself. If there’s one thing I hate more than seeing myself on TV, it would be seeing Diana.
Leslie: Filming took an extra two days because of her.
Garry: I just thought you were hitting the sauce or something.
Sam: That’s actually a reasonable guess, Garry. She does do that often.
Diane: I do not!
Charlotte: So you did a TV version of The Parent Trap?
Diane: Yes! More fun on the screen than in real life.
Charlotte: Did anyone notice?
Leslie: Only me.
Frances: In our defense, they look exactly alike, and Diane’s a freak to begin with.
Diane: Thank you. Love you, too.
Charlotte: Why haven’t you talked about her before? Is she really that bad?
Diane: She’s the most self-centered person I have ever met, and I’ve met Sam.
Sam: I’m working my way up the list, I think. I’m trying, at least.
Charlotte: Surely she can’t be so self-centered if she dropped everything to help you with the show, no?
Diane: She did that for the money.
Charlotte: I thought you said it was to get back in your good graces?
Diane: It was a little of both, I guess. Money was the primary motivation, but I think she was trying to repair our relationship. Didn’t work, we haven’t seen each other since then.
Sam: When’s the bitch getting here?
Leslie: Sam!
Sam: I said nothing out of line, I accurately described this woman who antagonizes our dear friend.
Diane: She’ll be here tomorrow.
Sam: At least we’ve got today to prepare for it.
Frances: And to post signs round the set to bar her from entry.
Diane: I don’t think she’ll try to get in front of the camera again. Even she had to know that the first time was a disaster.
Frances: It was so traumatizing, I don’t want to take any chances.
Garry: You didn’t even realize it wasn’t Diane until Leslie told you the next day!
Frances: Don’t get hung up on pesky facts.
Later, at the set…
Paul: Diane! You didn’t tell me your sister was visiting!
Diane: No. No no no no no no no. No. No!
Leslie: Calm down, Diane, it’ll be all right. Maybe she just called the set or something.
Paul: You also never told me she looks just like you!
Diane: I need to lie down.
Sam: We can take you to your dressing ro- okay, right here works, too. That’ll be great.
Garry: Aren’t you afraid you’ll get stepped on down there, Diane?
Diane: I’d like for that to happen. Preferably the step will occur somewhere that’ll crush and kill me.
Paul: Someone needs to explain to me what’s going on, because I’m lost.
Sam: Just think about it for a minute, I trust you will figure it out.
Diana: Sis! What are you doing on the ground?
Diane: God, take me now!
Diana: You always did love cracking your jokes!
Diane: So, uh… anyone wanna help me get back up?
Sam: You’re on your own, there!
Frances: I’m old and my bones are brittle, but I’ll help you up. That’s what friends are for!
Sam: Charlotte, you’re strong enough to hoist up that Oscar of yours and show it off, help Diane.
Diane: No, I’m good. I dislocated Frances’ arm, but I’m upright.
Paul: Diane, your sister is so personable and easy-going. We waited for you guys for like a half-hour and it flew by. Why don’t you ever mention her?
Diane: Well, you know, Paul… you and I aren’t close.
Paul: We aren’t?
I still hold a grudge from the salary dispute. Sorry, bud!
Paul: That actually stings a little.
Diana: Ah, Diane, good to see you haven’t changed a bit! You even look the same!
Diane: Can’t say the same about you! What happened your your lips? Fillers or a bee sting? And your nose…
Garry: Is she kidding? They look exactly the same!
Sam: Just let her feel how she needs to feel. If she wants to live in a fantasy world to cope with whatever this is, I’m not going to stop her.
Diana: It’s all natural, Diane, just the magic of a strong lip gloss.
Diane: Did the lip gloss reshape your nose?
Diana: I think that you are seeing things that aren’t there, perhaps an eye exam would be best for you.
Diane: You have always been so concerned with my health, haven’t you?
Diana: If you’re referring to the cancer, you never told me! I found out from TMZ and I called you when I found out! TMZ!
Diane: Yes, you did call. You called and hostilely accused me of keeping secrets from you in order to hurt you.
Sam: Ooh… she never told me that!
Diana: I was hurt, Diane! My own sister didn’t call to tell me that she had cancer!
Diane: Did you consider, for a second, that my illness wasn’t about you? Nothing in my life is about you. You are nothing to me. Nothing! If that upsets you, remember it’s all your own doing. This is not the way I would’ve chosen for things to go.
Paul: Well, this is awkward. Diana, shall we step away and give Diane time to cool off?
Diane: What, are you dating? You gonna take her side now?
Paul: I’m just trying to ease tensions on my set.
Diane: Whatever!
Diane storms off.
Sam: I’ve made it my goal in life to never apologize to a man at any point in my life. However, I never said I couldn’t apologize to one on someone else’s behalf. Paul, I apologize for her behavior, she is clearly going through something and needs psych meds or something. Don’t worry, though, I’ll get her loaded up on vodka stingers and back out to the set for filming within in an hour!
Paul: Oh, uh… don’t get her drunk on my account.
Sam: Don’t worry, she loves it.
Paul: Let’s just aim to keep everyone sober, okay?
Sam: If you want to be boring about it, sure.
Later that night, at the Riviera Inn…
Melanie: Welcome home! How was filming today?
Sam: Take a look at us, Mel. Guess how filming went.
Melanie: Diane, you look forlorn, what’s wrong?
Diane: I don’t want to talk about it.
Melanie: You don’t have to, but I’m here If ever you want to speak about it.
Diane: I appreciate that.
Sam: She’s bummed because her sister, who she hates, came to visit her.
Leslie: I believe she said she didn’t want to talk about it…
Sam: Melanie is in the group, she has a right to know.
Diane: I guess you’re right, now if you excuse me -
Melanie: Diane, does your sister look exactly like you by any chance?
Diane: She does indeed.
Melanie: I don’t want to make your day any worse, but I believe your sister is staying here.
Diane: Of course she is. All the hotels in town, she picks the one I live in.
Sam: This is why I always say we should just buy our own house here.
Melanie: And abandon me? Come on, Sam, you could never do that!
Garry: She’s not wrong.
Sam: What would you know about being right?
Gary: I shouldn’t have spoken up, I’m sorry.
Melanie: For what it’s worth, your sister was very nice to me.
Diane: Of course you’d think that! She always puts on an act. Just ask them about the time she filled in for me on the show.
Melanie: Oh, there was a rumor that you had a body double replace you on one episode a few years back, I never knew there was any validity to it!
Leslie: Oh boy, is there ever!
Melanie: Do you want me to give you her room number so you can go visit her?
Diane: I’m good, thanks for the offer.
Melanie: Probably for the best. If you’d kill her, then the hotel would blame me and I’d get fired again.
Frances: Sure, a person would also be dead, and the nicest person we all know would get life in prison, but losing a desk job would be the real tragedy of that story.
Melanie: Hey, you don’t know the perks!
Later that night, in Sam and Diane’s room…
Sam: Hey, Di… you gonna get up from the couch tonight? To eat, or to take a shower, or to go to bed, or to do… anything?
Diane: I don’t feel like moving.
Sam: I didn’t say we had to change rooms, I just said you should get up off the couch. It’s been six hours, you’re gonna get a blood clot.
Diane: I sleep longer than six hours a night, I think I’ll be fine.
Sam: You and I both know very well that while you may sleep more than six hours, that’s interrupted by several dozen bathroom breaks.
Diane: Oh, that is a gross exaggeration!
Sam: Come on, Diane, get up! We can listen to some Olivia Rodrigo, she always somehow makes you happy.
Diane: I’m not in the mood for listening to Olivia right now.
Sam: Oh my God, are you dying? I gotta call Leslie, she’ll want to say goodbye. Maybe Char, too. I doubt Frances is home, she wanted to go to that Maison Strawberry restaurant. I don’t care what Garry wants.
Diane: I’m not dying! I’m just sad!
Sam: There, there, pal. It’ll be okay.
Diane: “There, there?” That the best you can come up with?
Sam: I’m not a psychiatrist, I don’t know what to say here? Sorry your sister’s a bitch? Trust me, that’s how I’m feeling.
Diane: It’s not just that she’s a bitch, which she totally is.
Sam: Glad we’re on the same page there. What an absolute B.
Diane: I feel like people like her more than they like me. Paul and Melanie were both raving about how nice she is and wondering why I never talk about her. They don’t know me like I know her! Everyone always sees her as the proper, polite, respectful person, they don’t know the hell you have to go through if you’re unlucky enough to know her well.
Sam: Melanie never said or even implied that she likes her more, she just said she was nice to her. As for Paul, who the hell even cares what he thinks?
Diane: What if he wants to replace me with her on the show?
Sam: Paul’s an ass, but he’s not a dumbass. He’s not going to replace a sure thing with… that thing.
Diane: But she’s so nice to him! She’s a kiss-ass. She has to have everything that I do!
Sam: She’s not getting your job, or any of your friends. Not even that idiot Garry.
Diane: Look what this woman turns me into! I’m a nervous wreck anytime she’s around. This is terrible for my health.
Sam: Just tune her out, she won’t be around much longer. Hell, after today, she might not even bother to come back! Then again, you could probably say that about all of our friends, too.
Diane: Did I act that bad?
Sam: You weren’t great, Di.
Diane: Since when do you call me “Di?”
Sam: Since I’ve wanted you to… kidding! Your name’s so similar to your sister’s, I’m just afraid I’ll accidentally call you “Diana.”
Diane: We look nothing alike.
Sam: Uh-huh.
Diane: I don’t know why everyone always acts like we look alike, just open your eyes, people!
Sam: If I saw you don’t look alive, will it make you happy enough to get off the couch?
Diane: Maybe.
Sam: You look nothing like your sister.
Diane: All right, I’ll get up and eat. What do we got?
Sam: Some McDonald’s leftovers and half a chicken marsala from that Italian place we went to like two weeks ago.
Diane: We had more than that this morning!
Sam: I eat when I’m stressed.
Diane: Well, I guess I’ll roll the rice and try my luck at avoiding food poisoning with the marsala. McDonald’s gives me indigestion.
Sam: It gives everyone indigestion. You’re not special.
The next day, during the filming of the show…
Sam: Much like Madonna and Adele Dazeem, we got frozen this week, as we challenged all of you to perfect three different frozen desserts.
Diane: Some of you, uh, stood out for all the right… reasons.
Sam: Kamala, your baked Alaska left the judges feeling far from crabby, showing great technical mastery.
Diane: Nathan, the judges went wild for your, I can’t remember what it was that they liked. Ah, just remembered, our oatmeal cookie ice cream sandwiches!
Sam: That was Calvin.
Diane: Oh, right, Calvin’s also in the top!
Sam (whispering): Diane, are you drunk?
Diane: No, I’m great!
Sam: Ughhhhhh…. Jeez.
Diane: Only one of you can be top baker this week, though, and that person is…
Sam: I think I should handle that.
Diane: Nathan!
Sam: Nathan, I’m so sorry. She read the wrong name.
Nathan: I’m not going home, right? I’m still not entirely sure if the judges liked my bakes or not.
Sam: You’re good, you’re top three, she just couldn’t remember the word “gelato.” Calvin, you’re top baker.
Diane: Ah, no shit.
Leslie: Cut!
Paul: You’re just deciding that now?
Leslie: I figured we needed some cheap entertainment. We’re back in twenty, guys!
Paul: Diane, what is wrong with you?
Charlotte: I think we’re going to get her to her dressing room, everyone remain calm.
Frances: You may see me returning through a different door with her, probably in a different outfit, I assure you that it’s still Diane.
Paul: This has been a trying time.
Frances: Imagine being us. We’re celebrities, we don’t handle this well.
Garry: Charlotte’s an Oscar winner trapped on a set just waiting for Diane to get her shit together enough to eliminate someone for making a watery baked Alaska!
Charlotte: Oh, so we’ve settled on sending Crystal home?
Sam: I’m going to call Melanie and get her to tell Diana to get down here. They have to work this out.
Leslie: Are you sure that’s a good idea?
Sam: I don’t imagine how it could get worse than this. I thought Diane was better last night, the morning she wakes up convinced everyone likes Diana better. Apparently, she had a very bad dream.
Leslie: This is your fault, Paul!
Paul: Mine? I did nothing!
Sam: You went on about how “nice” Diana is. That got in her head.
Paul: She has to be very insecure for that to get in her head.
Sam: She IS very insecure! The woman’s a ticking time bomb, we’re always an inch away from her having to go off on a nice two-week stay at Sunnyside Sanatarium.
Garry: What is meeting with Diana going to do to help Diane?
Sam (mockingly): “What is meeting with Diana going to do to help Diane?” Shut up!
Garry: I see it’s a plan with much thought put into it.
Leslie: I think the hope is that they hash out some of their problems and get Diane in a better mental state.
Sam: Or… or… Diane punches her in the face and gets some well-earned satisfaction from it.
Leslie: Yeah, that works, too.
Thirty minutes later…
Diane: All right, I think I’m good to go. I’ve memorized their names and all that, I won’t flub it again.
Sam: Okay, you can come on out then and we’ll finish this so we can go home!
Diane: Oh, yay, home! I can’t wait to go lay down again.
Sam: I think it’s “lie down,” but I’m not a grammar Nazi.
Sam and Diane walk back the set.
Diane: No! Not you!
Diana: Don’t worry, Diane, I’m not here to provoke you. I’m here to help!
Diane: I don’t need help from you!
Frances: Hide the knifes!
Leslie: What knives?
Frances: Just trying to make sure.
Diana: I’m not sure what you’re upset about, but it’s okay. I forgive you.
Diane: Forgive me? You’re the one who walked out on our family decades ago, you started your own life an abandoned us. You’re the one who pops in out of the blue as if nothing was wrong. You’re the one who found out her sister had cancer and didn’t even come to visit.
Diana: I didn’t think I’d be welcome!
Diane: It’s an hour-long drive, Diana. Maybe it’s worth the risk?
Diana: Look, I’m sorry. I’m trying to patch things up. I’m not doing well, Diane.
Diane: Tough.
Diana: I’ve been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. I don’t have long to try and reconnect with you, the prognosis isn’t good.
Diane: I’m sorry to hear that. That’s more sympathy than you ever showed to me, but I’m a good person.
Diana: Your friends don’t like you more than me, they know you and they know your heart. They were just trying to be nice to me because they’re good people. Now, do you feel better?
Diane: I just found out my sister’s got Parkinson’s, no, I don’t feel better.
Diana: I wanted to tell you in a better way than this.
Diane: I should’ve told you I had cancer. Nothing’s worse than finding out from freakin’ TMZ.
Diana: Maybe we can go out for coffee tomorrow.
Diane: I guess. I won’t be able to forget everything or brush it off, but we can try to make things better while we can.
Diane: I’d like that.
Paul: Okay, all fixed, let’s get this show back on the road!
Diane: You are an ass.
Paul: I… uh… you’re not wrong.
Sam: All right, folks, we got a dream to crush! Big smiles, people, let’s go!
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
