Carol walks into Gretchen’s office.
Carol: Gretchen, can you sign this?
Gretchen: I’d have to read it first.
Carol: Don’t worry, I’m not having you sign away your custody of your children.
Gretchen: Really? Why not? I’d be more than willing to do so!
Carol: Actually, Christina is a grown adult, so you don’t have custody over her to begin with.
Gretchen: I’d beg to differ, on account of her seemingly believing herself to be seventeen.
Carol: Regardless, this is nothing for you to need to go into much deep though about, it’s just a declaration determining a special election for a state house seat for November.
Gretchen: Okay, hand me the pen. I have to say, these special elections would be a lot more exciting if we didn’t have nearly one-party control of the state. It almost makes me wish we lived in a competitive state. Then again, I’d never be elected in one of those.
Carol: This district would never be competitive even if we were a swing state. It’s in Barrington, even you won the seat by forty points in your closest races.
Gretchen: Barrington? That’s where my siblings live. Maybe they really did vote for me after all. I didn’t realize there was house vacancy there, though.
Carol: Yeah, the old rep resigned because they were moving to Boston.
Gretchen: That’s treason.
Carol: Hence the hasty resignation.
Gretchen: Do you think we can get a candidate to win the primary that would vote against keeping Hank as Speaker?
Carol: Oh boy, it’s a little early for acting so devious and planning Hank’s downfall, no?
Gretchen: It says right here we’re scheduling the primary for two months from now, I don’t think it’s too early to get prepared.
Carol: I mean too early in the day. I at least have to have lunch before I begin plotting the downfall of my enemies.
Gretchen: What enemies do you have, Carol?
Carol: My bitch neighbor Jenny. She’s just awful, say, Susana?
Susana: Ugh, she’s the worst.
Gretchen: And how do you plot her downfall?
Carol: I just lay on my sofa, imagining framing her for a crime she didn’t commit. It’s great fun.
Gretchen: Sure sounds like it. Anyway, do we have any candidates in mind to run?
Carol: I’ll have to look. I’m not exactly familiar with local-level officials, especially not in safe blue cities where we never have to worry about it.
Gretchen: All right, please do that for me then. I really am interested in building up an anti-Hank coalition in the House. He’s severely weakened now and if we strike at the right time, we can blow over his house of cards. Then we can finally, maybe, get things done around here.
Carol: You still have Jeanne. She seems locked in place.
Gretchen: That woman is like a cockroach. Just when I think I’m rid of her, she’s back again.
Susana: I take it back. Jenny’s not the worst, Jeanne is. At least Jenny isn’t beholden to every corporation in the state.
Carol: She would be if she were an elected official. She’s just that awful.
Gretchen: How have I never heard of this Jenny woman before today?
Carol: You know me, I don’t like to talk about myself too much. I let you rant about yourself, you clearly need a good shoulder to cry on.
Susana: Even you don’t believe that.
Gretchen: Anyway, Jeanne won’t be a problem much longer.
Carol: What are you going to do to her? Nothing illegal, please. I can’t go down as an accessory, I’m so close to retirement.
Gretchen: Are you?
Carol: Look at your approval ratings, Gretchen, this flight is making its descent.
Gretchen: I was under the impression I would make a strong candidate for President, but I suppose you’d disagree.
Carol: President of your local school board, perhaps.
Gretchen: I’m just pulling your leg, I’m not fully delusional. I’ll settle for Vice President, second time’s surely the charm.
Carol: Okay, now that I’m sure you’re definitely being realistic, I’m going to go and get some work done. You do… whatever it is you do.
Gretchen: I have meeting scheduled! I’m not just going to spend today goofing off like you probably think!
Carol: That’s nice, Gretchen.
The next day, Gretchen is having dinner with her family.
Mary: How’d we get so luck to nab an invite to dinner, Gretch? You never want to see us!
Gretchen: Come on, we just saw each other… uh…
Eddie: At Toby’s crappy play.
Toby: My crappy musical!
Christina: What’s that, Lame-Manuel Miranda? Is Patti LosePone admitting his musical was terrible? That took real courage to admit, Stephen Suckheim.
Toby: None of those nicknames were very clever.
Lucinda: I don’t know, I thought Stephen Suckheim was pretty funny.
Gretchen: Mother!
Anthony: Christina. You are twenty years old and you’re heading to college. You need to grow up.
Christina: He’s a nerd, I can’t help but mock him!
Lucinda: You’re twenty-five and you don’t have a job and you live with mom and dad. Let’s get off the high horse.
Gretchen: Coming back to Mary’s comment, because it’s bugging me, is it so far-fetched that I’d want to share a meal and talk with my siblings?
Eddie: Why do you rarely do it, then?
Gretchen: Am I on trial?
Anthony: Yeah, you guys have to be understanding of her, she’s very busy. That’s the only reason these dinners are few and far between.
Mary: She sees a little success, she forgets about the family. Typical politician.
Anthony: Don’t you dare call her that!
Lucinda: Yeah, Mary. The typical politician is at least somewhat skilled at politics.
Anthony: And don’t you start either.
Christina: Can’t we all just get along?
Toby: Are you really saying that? You?
Christina: You’re my little brother, I have no choice but to mock you.
Toby: I don’t think that’s true. Even if it were, doesn’t that give uncle Eddie and aunt Mary the right to mock mom?
Christina: No, she's the governor, they have to be nice to her.
Lucinda: Wrong!
Anthony: As you’ve said, we only see each other occasionally. We shouldn’t spend it bickering.
Eddie: I actually agree with that, we’ve given each other a hard time long enough.
Mary: I don’t know, I could go longer.
Gretchen: So, are we moving forward with a detente or not?
Mary: I guess we can. I’ll save up some fun zingers for our next dinner.
Gretchen: So, has anyone done anything interesting lately?
Mary: I went skydiving.
Lucinda: What? All this time having kids, I never knew Gretchen was the smart one!
Gretchen: Excuse me?
Mary: Yeah, what’s that supposed to mean?
Lucinda: Who jumps out of a flying plane other than an idiot? Do you have a death wish?
Mary: No. It’s just fun.
Lucinda: You’re a mother, and your ex-husband’s an ass. Do you want your kids to get stuck with him?
Mary: It’s a very safe activity. It’s well-regulated.
Lucinda: It’s less safe than staying on the ground!
Eddie: I can’t say I’ve done anything nearly that interesting. I went to a Taylor Swift concert, though.
Christina: You're a Taylor Swift fan?
Eddie: She’s a songwriter with wisdom beyond her years. Not to mention, a part-time resident of Rhode Island.
Christina: How many little girls did you have to knock out of your way for a look at the stage?
Gretchen: I prefer Ariana Grande. Is she still making music? I just know her from The Voice, mostly.
Christina: How are you so old?
Toby: How are you?
Christina: Shut up!
Gretchen: Taste of your own medicine!
Anthony: How did you enjoy the Taylor Swift show?
Eddie: It was good. Not as much fun as the kids say it was. Nothing against Taylor, it’s just… you know, it was a long show and I have an old bladder.
Gretchen: Please don’t tell me you peed yourself.
Eddie: No, I just missed like six songs because I kept having to go to the bathroom.
Gretchen: Thank god.
Lucinda: You better have heard Shake It Off.
Christina: You know the names of Taylor Swift’s songs? I didn’t even know you knew who she is!
Lucinda: In know all the big pop girls. Taylor, Olivia Rodrigo, Madonna -
Christina: Do you think Madonna is still making music?
Lucinda: I’m not on trial here.
Anthony: She is. No one listens to it, because why would you when Like a Prayer is right there, but she does still make music.
Christina: Shut up, dad!
Eddie: I’ve seen Madonna in concert, too. I almost got poked by her cone bra.
Gretchen: I think I might live a boring life.
Mary: Why, what’s going on with you?
Gretchen: The most interesting thing I’ve done is set a special election in the house district you guys live in. I mean it, that’s it. That’s all that’s going on in my life.
Christina: Come on, mom, you became an alcoholic recently.
Gretchen: I went to a bar every day for a week, and that was a month ago. I am not an alcoholic!
Christina: She was the Norm of this bar. They loved her.
Gretchen: She lies.
Mary: What’s this about a special election? Did our representative resign? Are we unrepresented in the assembly? That’s disgusting.
Gretchen: It’s just until November, don’t be too worried about it.
Mary: I volunteered on the campaign of our apparently-former state representative, he was just elected for the first time last November. What did he resign for?
Gretchen: He moved to Boston.
Mary: That is disgusting.
Lucinda: Honey, you can’t expect a man to stay in Barrington forever. I know I couldn’t.
Mary: What is wrong with Barrington?
Lucinda: It’s filled with unbearable, uppity rich folks.
Mary: And Providence is the land of the common man? Take a look at your house!
Gretchen: My house! Purchased thanks to my sterling business acumen and immense success in the political arena.
Lucinda: Would you knock it off? Your head’s big enough already, no need to inflate it any further.
Gretchen: Excuse me?
Mary: Barrington is a great town to love in, and you need to stop being so judgmental about any place other than the one you live. There’s a whole world around you filled with incredible, fascinating places to visit and live in.
Lucinda: And you choose to live in Barrington!
Anthony: I like Barrington just fine, Mary. I have family there.
Eddie: Yeah, us.
Anthony: No, a few of my cousins.
Lucinda: Maybe you should run for the house, then, if you love it so much!
Anthony: With all due respect to the profession, I think one politician in this family is plenty. That’s more than enough stress for me.
Eddie: I think mom just hates where we live because it’s not in the same neighborhood as where she lives. She has to drive to visit us.
Christina: Yeah, I just want to point out, this place grandma thinks is hell on earth is literally fifteen minutes away from where we currently are.
Lucinda: All right, I got it. No need for you to all gang up on me!
Anthony: It’s what you would do.
Lucinda: Is it time for dessert yet?
Christina: We’re still eating our salads.
Lucinda: This is why we only do these dinners once every six months, they’re exhausting!
Gretchen: At the end of the day, though, is that not why we love family? They’re just unbearable, and you know nobody else would love ‘em if you won’t.
Eddie: What a lovely sentiment.
Anthony: I’ll drink to that.
The next day, in Gretchen’s office…
Jeanne: So, what are you proposing, exactly?
Gretchen: It’s a very lengthy bill we’re put together, but it boils down to increasing funding for roads and infrastructure and state healthcare at the expense of decreasing funding for the National Guard and increasing tolls on bridges and fees at state parks.
Jeanne: And you think Hank and I are going to pass that?
Gretchen: Funding infrastructure is an extremely popular move. Why wouldn’t you?
Jeanne: Taking from the National Guard to fund healthcare is a far-left fever dream.
Gretchen: Sometimes I feel like the Republicans have full legislative control.
Jeanne: How about you rethink the insane demands and we negotiate when you start in a reasonable position?
Gretchen: You’re a tough one, Jeanne. Like a cockroach.
Carol knocks at the door.
Jeanne: Ah, they can hear you’re flailing, time to pretend you have another meeting to attend.
Carol: Gretchen, your sister’s here.
Jeanne: I’m sure she is!
Mary: Outta the way, lady, here comes Mary!
Jeanne: Why do I feel like she’s about to burst into song?
Mary: I only sometimes do that. Now, let me talk to my sister.
Susana: Come on, Jeanne, you had a very productive meeting today, time to get back to your office.
Jeanne: It lasted four minutes! I didn’t even get to mock her that much!
Carol leads Jeanne out of Gretchen’s office and closes the door.
Gretchen: How’d I get so luck to nab a meeting with you, Mare? You never want to see me!
Mary: I suppose I deserved that.
Gretchen: Yeah, I was really proud of myself for thinking of it.
Mary: To answer your question, though, I’m here for a real purpose.
Gretchen: What did Eddie do? Or are you thinking of putting in a home? I can deal with her, but she is getting to be more of a handful, so I’m open to it.
Mary: Neither of those.
Gretchen: You sure?
Mary: Gretchen, I’m running for the house.
Gretchen: What?
Mary: I know what a shock it is, but it’s true. I was thinking about how mom told Anthony to run for house, and how much I bickered with her about where I live and how I defended it and I just thought, “I really love this place, wouldn’t it be great to help?”
Gretchen: That’s what I thought when I first ran for office. Not gonna lie, it’s not turned out that way. Then again, I’m just a typical politician.
Mary: I shouldn’t have called you that.
Gretchen: For what it’s worth, I think this would be great. You could really help push Hank Matthews out from the inside. The man’s a menace, and he’s blocking progress.
Mary: I’m not even elected and you’re already thinking of how you can use me to get revenge on your enemies?
Gretchen: I’ve been at this a long time, and contrary to what mom says, I’m quite skilled.
Mary: I think what Hank does is pretty terrible, blocking progress and all. I would be open to working with you to get rid of him, if I were elected.
Gretchen: All right, then I think you should do it. This state can only be served better by having two Raymonds in office, especially if neither of them are Eddie! I’ll throw all my political muscle behind you. In fact, I can’t run again, so my war chest can go right into your campaign fund. That’s almost a million dollars.
Mary: A million dollars? For state house?
Gretchen: I understand that may sound like a lot, but it takes a lot to buy a house seat, especially when your ties to the district are tenuous at best.
Mary: I’ve lived here for, like, five years.
Gretchen: Okay, this is gonna take some work. We’re gonna do it together.
Later that day, in Hank’s office…
Jeanne: Hank! Other one!
Samantha: Other one? I have worked with you for over a decade!
Jeanne: You’re not the one I’m concerned with, though.
Samantha: You didn’t have to insult me.
Jeanne: Hank, we have a problem.
Hank: What kind of problem?
Jeanne: All right, I was meeting with the idiot governor, and it ended early because her sister came by. I stuck around, naturally, with her employees, so I could eavesdrop. Her sister’s running in the special election for state house, with the plan in mind to take you down from the inside.
Hank: Excuse me?
Jeanne: I think she’s tired of getting nothing done, so she’s ready to strike. It’s cute she thinks it’ll work. Either way, Hank, I trust you to begin oppo research and bring her down. We can’t have her getting elected and causing trouble.
Hank: Why do the Raymonds even think they can bring me down? I’ve been here longer than either of them, and I’ll outlast them both, too.
Jeanne: You are getting some flak in the press for your, um, improprieties.
Hank: What improprieties?
Jeanne: The divorce, Hank!
Hank: Oh, that wasn’t my fault.
Samantha: It was a little your fault. The governor helped you out, though, why’s she conspiring against you now?
Hank: No loyalty these days from anyone. That’s why I’m gonna bring her sister down. I’ll be damned if another Raymond gets elected in this state on my watch. I don’t care how much money it takes, I don’t care if I have to doom her with fake news stories. This sister act is not getting back in the habit.
Samantha: Love that movie. Whoopi as a nun, what ingenuity!
Later that day, in the governor’s office…
Samantha: I come bringing news.
Susana: The governor’s busy.
Samantha: She’ll want to hear this.
Carol: I’ll be the judge.
Samantha: It’s about Hank.
Susana: She does love talking about Hank. He’s her favorite.
Samantha: Don’t get smart. This is real news.
Susana: The last time you had news about Hank…
Samantha: People make mistakes!
Carol: Okay, fine, I’ll wake her from her nap.
Samantha: The thing she had to do was nap?
Susana: She leads a wild life.
Gretchen: Come on in, Pratt!
Susana: Wow, she woke up earlier than expected.
Gretchen: I wasn’t asleep, you just use that line on people you want to get rid of.
Carol: And now she’s given away the secret.
Susana: We’ll find a new excuse to tell people, don’t worry.
Gretchen: What’s going on, Pratt?
Samantha: Hank Matthews knows your sister is running for the state house. He’s going to go all-in to defeat her, with Jeanne’s help.
Gretchen: Why are you telling me?
Samantha: I’m on your side, Gretchen. All the differences we’ve had, they’re in the past. I want to get things done for the state now, it’s time to grow up.
Gretchen: Glad you’ve realized that in your sixties.
Samantha: Fifties!
Gretchen: Sure.
Samantha: They’re going to go after her hard. They’ll call her a carpetbagger, drag her for her divorce, anything they can do to paint her in a bad light. They’re going to drag you, too. You need to get ready.
Gretchen: Well, I guess this means war.
What did you think of the season finale episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the season premiere of the Princess Royal next week! Raymond Island will be back for season five this fall!
