Gretchen walks into her office.
Gretchen: Okay, girls, what’s on the agenda for toda-
Carol: Run!
Gretchen: What in the hell is happening in here?
Sarita: Governor Raymond, would you care to come in here with me to look over this?
Samantha (through tears): Nice try… you… have nothing for her! Just like life has… nothing… for me!
Gretchen: What is going on? Did you just witness the birth of some puppies or something?
Samantha: My boyfriend dumped me!
Susana: Her boyfriend dumped her. Surely you can understand this reaction.
Carol: It’s a statewide emergency.
Gretchen: Well, Olivia Rodrigo’s got a new song out now. Go listen to that and you’ll be good to go.
Samantha: I am hurt, Gretchen!
Susana: She’s hurt!
Samantha: If we’re going to have a better relationship, I need you to help me here.
Gretchen: Who said I wanted that?
Samantha: Gretchen, I need you to be empathetic right now. I need a shoulder to cry on.
Carol: Please take up the mantle. My shoulders are drenched from tears, I don’t like that.
Gretchen: I don’t think we have this kind of relationship.
Samantha: Come on! We’re friends now!
Gretchen: We are distant acquaintances. That’s how I like it. I am comfortable keeping it there. So, here ya go, this is a box of old chocolates I did not like that Governor Vikers sent to me. They all have that terrible orange filling for some reason, but I think they’ll really ease the pain.
Samantha: Do you not like me? Does nobody like you?
Gretchen: I think you’re great, okay? I’m just jealous of how great you are, that’s why I always mock you. Now, could you get out of my office?
Samantha: You’re just saying that so I’ll leave.
Gretchen: And… is it working? No?
Samantha: I’m an unlovable loser, even my best friend hates me!
Gretchen: They do?
Samantha: I meant you!
Gretchen: Susana, do something about this. Slap some sense into her, she’s clearly gone off the deep end. This is not the Pratt I love to hate!
Samantha: I spent five years with this guy.
Gretchen: I didn’t even know you were dating anyone. I didn’t think anyone would subject themselves to this.
Samantha: That’s it, Gretchen, the tough love I need.
Gretchen: This is not love. I sincerely didn’t think anyone could stand to date you. You’re unpleasant.
Samantha: Thank you for trying to cheer me up. It’s not working, but you tried. I’m going to go lie down on my couch in my office if anyone needs me.
Gretchen: You’re, uh, welcome.
Carol: No one will be needing you today, we realize you need your emotional R&R right now.
Susana: Don’t forget your gross orange chocolates!
Samantha: I’m gonna go eat all of them while I watch The View. If Whoopi can’t cheer me up, no one can.
Gretchen: You feel better, I don’t want to see you down like this again. It’s not a fair fight.
That night, at home…
Anthony: So, honey, how was work?
Gretchen: I guess pretty normal? Samantha Pratt’s boyfriend broke up with her, though, so I had to deal with that. I thought you couldn’t love without a heart, but she was really hung up on this guy. I actually feel a little bad for her.
Lucinda: Not as bad as I feel for having to listen to you talk about it.
Christina: Come on, grandma. Pratt is how old and still getting dumped, surely you have to have a bit of sympathy for her. It can’t be easy.
Lucinda: Honey, try having your husband of fifty years die. A little breakup will feel like nothing.
Christina: I’m not saying it’s the worst feeling in the world, but it’s not easy. It hasn’t been for me, and I’m young with a future ahead of me.
Anthony: When do you date? You never introduce us to anyone!
Christina: Have you met grandma?
Anthony: I’m tough, but fair. I keep everything in line.
Gretchen: I know none of you want to dwell on this, but I really could use some advice on how to handle this situation. She’s a wreck, and surprisingly, it is actually helpful to have a lieutenant governor that’s able to work.
Lucinda: She can’t work when she’s sad?
Gretchen: She can barely work when she’s happy!
Christina: I don’t think “happy” is a word I’ve ever heard you use to describe her.
Gretchen: That’s a fair point. She can barely work when she’s not clinically depressed. That fits better.
Anthony: Have you considered trying to set her up with someone new?
Christina: That’s a terrible idea! Why would you want to subject someone else to her? Especially now!
Anthony: I simply thought that it would be a good way for her to get past this breakup.
Lucinda: I know just the person! Eddie!
Christina: Uncle Eddie would deserve it.
Gretchen: No. As much as I’d love to see Eddie suffer like that, I think I would kill myself if Pratt were my sister-in-law.
Toby: What about Brian?
Gretchen: Your musical’s director?
Toby: Yeah, he’s always talking about being alone.
Gretchen: He’s complaining about his love life to children?
Toby: We’re not all children. Most of the cast was employed under CW rules. You know, hiring people in their mid-twenties to play teenagers.
Gretchen: Why did I not know my son was doing a musical with a bunch of middle-aged people?
Christina: You think mid-twenties is middle aged? What do you think you are?
Gretchen: A timeless classic.
Anthony: I suppose my idea of getting Samantha back on the dating scene went over like a lead balloon. Anyone else have any other ideas? I have nothing.
Lucinda: I think ignoring her would be wise. The lieutenant governor famously does nothing, so it won’t harm Rhode Island much if she’s incapacitated for a while. For your sanity, just ignore her entirely. Maybe don’t even go in to work, work remotely from home.
Gretchen: That’s even worse advice than Tony.
Anthony: Thank you, honey, I love you!
The next day…
Carol: Thank God you’re here!
Gretchen: It’s always good to be welcomed with such vigor and vim. What’s going on today? Is the legislature finally going to let us pass something?
Carol: Think again!
Gretchen: Did they vote to repeal one of my few accomplishments?
Carol: No, there will be no votes happening in the legislature anytime soon at this rate.
Gretchen: Okay, I’m not gonna get this one, spell it out for me.
Carol: So, you know how Samantha is currently going through a breakup?
Gretchen: I am aware, yes. Did she kill Jeanne or something?
Carol: Well, our esteemed Speaker of the House announced today that he and his wife are divorcing. Apparently, she found out he had an affair, got proof, and used it to get full custody of their kids and spousal support, and probably their house. He’s locked himself in his office and won’t come out. We think he may be living in there.
Gretchen: Ha!
Susana: Don’t laugh! That was the one piece of leverage you ha-
Gretchen: Oh god! Hank and I were just fighting recently over the state budget. What if he thinks I told his wife out of spite?
Susana: That really does feel like a thing you’d do.
Gretchen: I know! He’s gonna kill me!
Carol: What if we use this as evidence for why he shouldn’t be Speaker and get a new Speaker put in? He’s a cheater, who is bringing us bad publicity, and now he’s locked himself in his office. That irrational behavior is unbecoming of an elected official.
Gretchen: What would you call my behavior, then? Regular?
Carol: More-so than his, yeah. You’re wacky, fine, but you don’t act like that.
Gretchen: It feels mean-spirited. He’s going through a tough enough time, I can’t come for his job like that.
Carol: You don’t have to, I’ll do the dirty work.
Susana (singing): I’m a fool to do our dirty work, oh yeah.
Carol: All due respect to Suzy Dan over there, but I don’t think it would be foolish to take advantage of this incredible opportunity. Get him out, finally pass the good laws that we were put in office to pass.
Gretchen: We still have Jeanne, who I can’t imagine would be happy if she found out we forced Hank out at this moment. Don’t do it. Maybe he’ll step down soon because of this, like it was rumored a few months ago. Either way, I’m above playing dirty like this. In fact, I’m going to go talk to him.
Carol: Why? Did you do something wrong and want to subject yourself to torture as punishment?
Gretchen: Perhaps if I show him a bit of kindness now, he’ll remember it and be willing to work with me on the budget down the line.
Carol: He won’t. He and Jeanne, they’re not people. They’re demons. They just want to see us fail.
Susana: Us?
Carol: Our administration.
Susana: Our?
Carol: I’m the chief of staff, I am the #2 in this office. Don’t you ever forget that!
Gretchen: I suppose I’m off to see His Whininess.
Susana: Give him my regards.
Carol: What is going on in this office today?
Susana: I don’t want him thinking I’m rude.
Carol: I guess I’m in the minority in thinking that I couldn’t care less what that douche thinks of me. Actually, I want him to know just how low my opinion is of him.
In Hank’s office…
Samantha: Why do we have to be so unlucky? It’s like we’re cursed!
Hank: Tell me about it! I had a good thing going, then my busybody wife finds out I cheated on her and suddenly, we can’t be married anymore. Why do bad things always happen to us?
Samantha: I didn’t even do anything wrong! My guy just said I was being too clingy and demanding. He’s just frightened by a woman who knows how to have a good time.
Hank: I didn’t do anything wrong, either!
Samantha: You admitted to cheating, no?
Hank: That’s nothing! You should hear what some of my friends have done. They have secret families!
Samantha: I don’t know if not starting a secret family is really a commendable act, I’d say it feels like the bare minimum.
Hank: I’m just saying, I could’ve been worse! I didn’t deserve to be left like this.
The door opens.
Hank: Private office! Do not disturb!
Gretchen: Oh, Hank.
Hank: I certainly don’t want to see you!
Gretchen: Samantha, good to see you. How are you?
Samantha (sobbing): I’m, you know, I’m getting there. You can tell I’m better, right?
Gretchen: Uh-huh. You look great! The red puffy eyes really work for you.
Samantha: Puffy eyes?
Gretchen: Puffy in a good way!
Hank: Raymond, why are you here? You were the only person to know about the affair, it had to be you.
Samantha: You told Gretchen? What the hell, man? Even you keep things from me that you tell the others! No one likes me!
Hank: I didn’t tell her by choice, she walked in on me, uh, in flagrante delicto.
Gretchen: It was the worst day of my entire life. Even worse than the day I first met you, Samantha.
Samantha: That does make me feel better.
Gretchen: Hank, I want you to know that I did not tell anyone about your affair. As horrible as I find affairs to be, it’s not my business, so I kept it shut.
Hank: You held it over my head any time we disagreed.
Gretchen: And a lot of good that did me! Why couldn’t Jeanne have also been banging a secretary? My life would be so much easier!
Hank: I helped you with the fishing bill because of it.
Samantha: The fishing bill? In 2020? How long have you known about this?
Gretchen: 2020.
Samantha: Dear God. I should tell you my secrets.
Hank: That still doesn’t explain who did tell, then. Only you knew.
Gretchen: Hank, you weren’t subtle. You were doing it on your desk when I found you. Any of your staffers could’ve easily done the same and not told you they knew.
Hank: I ended it after you found out, do you th-
Gretchen: Hank, I’m not here for a game of Clue. Do I look like Madeleine Kahn?
Hank: No, you look a little more like Mrs. Peacock.
Gretchen: That was uncalled for. What I’m trying to say, though, is that I’m here to cheer you up.
Hank: Why did you think that would work?
Gretchen: Idiocy, I guess.
Hank: Yeah, that was pretty stupid of you. You should’ve sent Jeanne in.
Gretchen: I just want you to know you’re not alone. I know you made some mistakes and you’re not innocent here, but you should still have someone to be there for you while you go through this. Wallowing in self-pity, locked in your office, is not going to help you. We can go for ice cream or something, that’s what all the depressed characters on sitcoms do after a breakup.
Hank: No, they get ice cream from their freezer and eat it with a spoon from the bucket, on the comfort of their own couch. I no longer have a couch, or a freezer, so thank you for that reminder.
Wilma: Hey, Sammie! Your secretary told me you were up here! What kinda party’s going on here?
Samantha: Mom, we need some privacy right now, tensions are high.
Wilma: Nonsense! A mother can only help!
Samantha: We already talked about this this morning, you had nothing helpful to add.
Wilma: I just said he raised some decent points. Is that so wrong?
Samantha: Yes!
Gretchen: All right, I think I’ve helped all I can here, I’m going to head back to my office. If anyone wants to talk -
Hank: We won’t.
Gretchen: You know my number!
In Gretchen’s office…
Carol: How’d that go?
Gretchen: It went.
Carol: Did you make a new friend?
Gretchen: He seems a little angry, mostly because he no longer has anywhere to live now, as his wife got the house.
Carol: Yeah, people don’t usually enjoy that.
Susana: Is he stepping down?
Gretchen: Believe it or not, I didn’t ask him. Samantha was there, though, they were being all sad and angry together. Then Samantha’s mom showed up, and that was awkward, and I bailed.
Carol: Does that mean we should get back to writing the budget proposal?
Gretchen: Yeah, I guess.
Thirty minutes later…
Gretchen: I think I have to go.
Carol: What? We just sat down to get some work done after you insisted on a twenty-minute snack break!
Gretchen: I thought of how I can get them both out of their funk.
Carol: You’re gonna help the two loneliest people we know get over being lonely?
Gretchen: A tall task, I know, but I believe in myself.
In Hank’s office…
Hank: Raymond, why are you back? Why did you still not bring Jeanne, the one person here that I like?
Samantha: What?
Gretchen: I can’t help but feel you’re more upset about losing your things than you are about losing your wife. Samantha, meanwhile, is clearly miserable over the loss of love. Do I have that right?
Samantha: Yes.
Hank: Yeah, I’d say that’s fair.
Gretchen: Hank, you and I are going to look at apartments for you and then we’ll go look at furniture. We’re gonna get you a nice bachelor pad and it’s gonna be great.
Hank: That’s so much work… I’m so sad.
Gretchen: Yeah, well the sad is making you unable to do your actual work, so we’re getting this done on official Rhode Island business. It’s in the interest of the state that you get your crap together.
Samantha: What about me? Am I so hopeless that I’,m not worth trying to save?
Gretchen: Hush. Samantha, I’m finding you a therapist who will help you restore your self-worth! In spite of being one of the most unbearable people I’ve ever met -
Wilma: Hey! She’s not that bad!
Gretchen: you were always a badass! You stood up for your beliefs, however misguided they may be. I made a promise to help people, and that even includes you. You need to rediscover the fact that a man, a simple, typical male, is not all that matters in life. What matters is that you are able to be satisfied with yourself. You have far too much going for yourself to not see this.
Samantha: What do I have?
Gretchen: You’re the #2 in command in the entire state of Rhode Island! Don’t tell Carol I said that.
Samantha: My position is almost powerless. So powerless, I primaried you and then had to drop out before the primary because no one cared I was running. I need someone in my life to make me feel whole, because my work isn’t doing the trick.
Gretchen: That person needs to be you, not someone else! I don’t want to sound too much like a shrink here, because I have no experience in that regard, but you can’t rely on anyone else for self-confidence. The man that dumped you? He’s yesterday’s trash! Only you can turn your life around, and that starts with working out all your insecurities over this relationship. Get your things, guys, we’re going now. I am fixing this so this state can finally get up and running again, because we can’t get anything done with both of you acting like this!
Wilma: What about me, should I come or just stay here?
Hank: Well, you’re not staying here by yourself!
Wilma: Okay, I’ll come for therapy.
Gretchen: No! You can help Hank and I apartment hunt.
Wilma: I would like that very much.
Hank: This is feeling like an invasion of privacy.
Gretchen: Suck it up, buttercup!
Hank: You just told Pratt how great she is and built her up, you don’t seem to share that same regard for me.
Gretchen: Well, Pratt didn’t cheat. Your problems are the result of your own actions, she has deep-rooted issues. I have to be nicer to her. She deserves it.
Hank: Do you want to help me?
Gretchen: Loaded question, but yes. It’s miserable to see you miserable. You bring the mood down, time to turn it around. Now, let’s go, we have to
Jeanne: Hey, I was just -
Gretchen: No time, Jeanne, I’m fixing these two. I’m like Coldplay.
The next day, at breakfast…
Anthony: So, you got home really late last night, and then you fell asleep on the couch. What was that about?
Gretchen: Oh, I found Hank Matthews a new apartment.
Anthony: What?
Gretchen: I’m helpful now, Anthony! I also got Samantha into therapy!
Lucinda: Good! She can use it!
Anthony: Why did you need to help Hank?
Gretchen: Ah, yeah. His wife divorced him.
Lucinda: She finally found out?
Gretchen: Sure did.
Lucinda: I think I may have told one of my book club ladies about that affair.
Gretchen: Are you kidding me? So it was my fault it came out?
Lucinda: Guess so! Whoops!
Gretchen: He can never know.
Lucinda: I don’t plan on telling him. Then again, didn’t plan on telling the book club, either.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the season finale next week!
