Gretchen rushes into her house.
Gretchen: What is the big news? I sped home in a panic because all I saw was Christina saying there was urgent news that was best told in person.
Toby: I got a big role in a local musical!
Gretchen: So no crisis?
Christina: Depends who you ask.
Gretchen: No death, no burst pipes, no fires?
Toby: No, just my big break!
Christina: He’s appearing in the local community theater production of Evita. Argentina will certainly be crying for all in attendance.
Gretchen: Playing Eva Peron, no doubt! My son is a star!
Christina: Hasn’t Eva Peron suffered enough? She already had to endure Madonna playing her.
Gretchen: But she also was played by Patti LuPone, I think it evens out.
Toby: I never said it was Evita, that’s what you guessed.
Lucinda: I guessed Sweeney Todd, he didn’t know what that was.
Anthony: I’m a liberal, I held out hope for Hamilton.
Gretchen: I think we’re getting away from the point here… my son’s name is going to be in bright lights on a theater!
Lucinda: Chill out, Debbie Reynolds. He never said he was the lead. Who are you playing, kid?
Toby: It’s a really exciting role in an original musical called Howard and the Rangers.
Christina: An original play written by a local playwright who never hit it big. I’m sure that’s gonna be awesome.
Anthony: Christina, stop antagonizing your brother. He’s very excited for this, you should be, too.
Gretchen: And you’re playing Howard, right?
Toby: One of the Rangers.
Christina: A non-singing Ranger, hopefully.
Lucinda: What is this play about, actually? The Lone Ranger’s other ranger friends?
Toby: It’s about a little league baseball team.
Gretchen: That sounds great!
Lucinda: A singing baseball team?
Christina: What business do you have playing a baseball player? You were afraid of baseballs when you were younger!
Toby: It’s a good thing I don’t actually have to play baseball, then. I just have to act. And sing a little.
Gretchen: Am I a terrible mother for never having known you were into acting?
Toby: It’s a new passion of mine. I was working in the crew of Romeo & Juliet at school and I had to step in for the actor playing Mercutio.
Lucinda: I’ve always loathed Shakespeare.
Gretchen: You worked in the crew of a play?
Christina: My god, mom, do you keep up-to-date on anything around here?
Gretchen: I work a VERY demanding job!
Christina: That’s not what grandma says…
Anthony: That’s because your grandmother’s a hater.
Lucinda: I am not, I criticize from a place of love!
Toby: So, anyway, the musical starts rehearsals tomorrow. Could someone drive me there?
Christina: Surely it’s about time for you to learn to do that yourself, no?
Toby: I’m fifteen.
Christina: I was driving when I wa- no, that’s a lie, just pulling your leg.
Gretchen: Thought so.
Lucinda: You’re fifteen? Where does the time go?
Toby: Does anyone around here pay attention to me?
Anthony: You still like Cars, right buddy?
Toby: The movie or the actual vehicles? And was this triggered by the drivers license discussion?
Christina (singing): Red lights, stop signs -
Lucinda: Can it, Olivia. For all you say about your brother being a bad singer, you’ve got no room to talk.
Christina: Arena’t grandmothers supposed to be nice?
Lucinda: Mine used to fill a sock with butter and hit us with it if we did our chores wrong. It was as perplexing as it was delicious.
Anthony: You never answered whether you still like Cars!
Gretchen: Honey, I will drive you to your rehearsal tomorrow. It’s about time I take a more proactive approach to parenting.
Toby: You’re busy, you don’t have to do that.
Gretchen: It would be my pleasure. What time are rehearsals?
Toby: Three.
Gretchen: Then I’ll have to leave work early. I like that.
Toby: You don’t have to leave for me, grandma can drive me.
Lucinda: No, I can’t. That’s when Kelly Clarkson is on.
Gretchen: I’m driving you. It’s a done deal. Carol will love it, too; she gets a lot more work done when I’m not around.
Toby: I can’t wait to show you what I’m working on! This is going to be fun!
Gretchen: Oh, you want me to stay?
Toby: Well, I thought you could. If you wanted to, that is.
Gretchen: I would love to! Like I said, proactive!
Lucinda: Isn’t that an acne cream?
Gretchen: Many people would say I’m the acne of Rhode Island, so I guess it fits.
The next day, at the theater…
Toby: Mom, I want you to meet the mastermind behind Howard and the Rangers, Brian Topahey.
Gretchen: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Topahey. I’ve heard a lot about your play in the last twenty-four hours.
Brian: You know, I knew your last name was Raymond, but I never made the connection! It’s so nice to meet you, governor.
Gretchen: Hey, don’t say that word too loudly in here, I don’t want anyone throwing tomatoes at me if they realize who I am.
Brian: Is that a common issue for you?
Gretchen: More common than I’d like, if I’m being honest.
Brian: Regardless of how anyone else feels, I think it’s an honor to get you. It’s an honor to get to work with your son, too. He’s very talented.
Gretchen: I have to be honest with you, Mr. Topahey, I’ve never really heard my son sing before. Is he just a natural musical talent? Do I have my own Lin-Manuel Miranda on my hands here?
Brian: I actually haven’t heard him sing myself. His part is mostly non-musical.
Gretchen: Oh, is he like the narrator?
Brian: No, that’s a singing part.
Gretchen: Does he lip sync to a track? I watch RuPaul’s Drag Race, I’m fine if my kid’s an Anetra rather than a Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Bobby: Happy Pride Month!
Brian: No lip syncing, either. His part is just more of a dialogue role.
Gretchen: I see. No singing in a musical, that’s an interesting creative choice. I really respect your vision.
Brian: Governor Raymond, I would love to chat with you later, but I have some cast members that I have to go talk with about the musical so I do have to go. It was lovely meeting you.
Gretchen: You as well!
Brian: Here’s your script, Toby.
Gretchen: I think you handed him the wrong thing, that’s only one page.
Brian: No, I’m only giving him his own lines in the musical to memorize. I don’t want to distract him with the lines of anyone else.
Gretchen: Oh.. all right. Maybe it’s all just written in very tiny text.
Brian: Nope, standard size twelve courier font.
Gretchen: Oh… that’s nice. One more question, uh, where could I sit for observing the play?
Brian: Oh, sorry, we don’t allow anyone of the viewing public to attend rehearsals. We want to keep details under lock.
Gretchen: That’s, uh… reasonable, I suppose. I guess I’ll pick you up later, kid. Have fun!
Toby: Thanks, mom!
Gretchen: Oy.
The next day, in Gretchen’s office…
Carol: So, how was the musical? Was Toby any good?
Gretchen: Don’t ask.
Carol: Oh no, can’t he carry a tune?
Gretchen: Wouldn’t know! He doesn’t have a singing part in it, nor was I able to actually see the musical. Apparently it’s “art” that needs to be “protected” until it’s ready to be shown to the world. This playwright talks like he’s making the latest Scorsese film or something.
Susana: Wouldn’t Scorsese have to be the one to make the latest Scorsese film? Wouldn’t be much of a Scorsese film without him making it, no?
Gretchen: You know what I mean! He’s keeping all the details under wraps.
Carol: Sounds more like a Star Wars movie if you ask me.
Gretchen: Yes, and based on the length of Tony’s script, he will be playing this musical’s equivalent of R2D2.
Carol: R2D2 doesn’t -
Gretchen: Yeah, I know. The kids have made me watch the movie about eighty times.
Susana: Only eighty?
Carol: So it’s a small role?
Gretchen: It’s barely a role! I’m in it almost as much as he is!
Carol: Everyone’s gotta start somewhere.
Gretchen: I told everyone around the capitol that my son was starring in a play!
Susana: Well, there was your mistake. A play and a musical are two different things.
Gretchen: You need to stop trying to raise my mood with the playful jabs, Suze. I’ve been made to look like a fool yet again!
Carol: I don’t think this is really terribly serious. You thought your son was going to be the lead in a musical, he isn’t, that’s it. I hardly think this is a career-ending scandal.
Gretchen: Look at me! You think I care about my career! This is the most dead-end job in the world! No, I just don’t want to give the bullies I work with any more ammo!
Carol: Oh my god, I feel like I’m in high school.
Susana: So what you’re saying is this is High School Musical: The Musical: The Series?
Carol: No, we don’t have a show.
Susana: I know, I just wanted to say the title. It’s fun.
Gretchen: Okay, I’m done spiraling over this. We have work to do.
Carol: We always have work to do, and yet, this is what we spend most of our time on.
Susan: I, for one, wouldn’t have it any other way.
One hour later…
Samantha: Raymond!
Hank: Is she dead?
Jeanne: I hope not, then Pratt gets the incumbency advantage in 2026.
Gretchen: I’m right here!
Hank: It’s alive!
Gretchen: I was bent over grabbing a file. How did I look dead?
Hank: You looked slumped over.
Carol: You three are not supposed to be here! Susana knows karate!
Susana: I am a pink belt!
Jeanne: That’s not a karate belt color.
Susana: It is in my gym.
Jeanne: Do you mean in your dojo?
Susana: This has nothing to do with Doja Cat.
Gretchen: I’m sorry for her. With all due respect to Oscar winner Jamie Lee Curtis, nepotism is a terrible thing.
Susana: Hey!
Carol: I have to side with Gretchen, honey.
Gretchen: What brings the three of you here? It’s rarely anything good, but I’m hopeful I’ll be wrong this time.
Samantha: We’re trying to be united as a government, no?
Gretchen: I like to think that.
Samantha: We would like to come to your son’s musical that you were bragging about.
Gretchen: Oh, that’s sweet! You don’t have to waste your time with that for my sake, though. It’s community theater, we all know how that goes.
Samantha: Raymond, don’t be so cynical! Community theater is a wonderful art form, especially when family and friends are involved.
Gretchen: You’re sure you can come?
Hank: When is it, because I have a -
Jeanne: Yes, we’re coming! This will bring us closer together, I’m sure of it
Hank: When exactly is it again, because I have a -
Gretchen: July first is opening night.
Hank: Great.
Jeanne: You look like you’re getting a root canal, Hank.
Hank: I’m just… so excited.
Gretchen: I’m glad you’re all so excited! Toby sure is a star, he’s gonna knock your socks off! I’ll get you your tickets.
Samantha: Ah, what a thrill! The joy of live theater!
Ten minutes later…
Carol: What in the hell was that?
Gretchen: I swear the woman’s psychic. Why else would
Susana: What was that about nepotism?
Gretchen: You’ve been flighty today.
Susana: I’m so tired, I was up late binging The Bear.
Gretchen: You were watching a bear?
Carol: It’s a show about a restaurant.
Gretchen: Why is it called The Bear?
Carol: Enough about The Bear! You invited Pratt to the musical and said Toby is a star! Toby is apparently a borderline extra. You’re causing yourself so much unnecessary embarrassment, which you claimed was what you wanted to avoid.
Gretchen: I had to think on my feet.
Carol: Hey, maybe Samantha and the legislative bullies have different ideas of what a star is. Maybe one page of dialogue is enough to qualify for them.
Gretchen: I don’t know how, or why, or if it would be legal, but I’m pretty sure I’m getting impeached for this.
Carol: A little impeachment is good for anyone. Lifts the spirits.
The next week…
Christina: I can’t wait to see this, Toby can’t carry a tune to save his life.
Gretchen: I don’t think that’ll be a concern.
Christina: I don’t know, these theater critics can be rough!
Eddie: At least he’s got the support of his family if it does go south. Speaking of which, Mare, can you give me some of those flowers you brought? I don’t want to look rude by not bringing them.
Mary: I guess, I do have plenty here.
Anthony: Ah, man, my son’t starring in a musical and I forgot the flowers.
Gretchen: Honey… we have to talk.
Anthony: Oh, you brought some? You’re an angel!
Lucinda: Angel from hell, maybe.
Gretchen: Honey, Toby has a very small role. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to think it mattered to me, but we’re all really getting our hopes up too much here. He doesn’t even sing.
Christina: Oh, thank god! He is no Patti LuPone.
Mary: I love when she sings Lady Marmalade. Hey sister, soul sister.
Lucinda: Hell, he’s no Patty Duke!
Christina: Who?
Lucinda: Dear God, I’m old.
Eddie: How small of a role are we talking? Small enough that I should get a refund?
Gretchen: I got you the tickets for free!
Eddie: I meant on my flowers!
Mary: I bought them!
Anthony: It doesn’t matter to me how much he’s in the musical, he’s proud of himself and that’s all that should matter to any of us.
Lucinda: What a bunch of 21st century nonsense. If he embarrasses me, I will boo.
Mary: You will not!
Lucinda: You can’t tell me what to do.
Anthony: Is it too late to take her ticket away?
One hour later…
Cast member (singing): Oh Baseball, you saved me!
Toby: Gee, golly, Timmy! I didn’t know you could sing like that!
Gretchen: Oh my god, why’s he talking like he’s Shirley Temple?
Lucinda: He’s in a background role in a team about a kiddie baseball team, you want him to be Shirley MacLaine?
Gretchen: At least MacLaine doesn’t say “Gee, golly!”
Anthony: Shh!
Mary: Yeah, some of us are trying to see the show. The songs are so catchy!
Eddie: Not that Toby’s singing any of them!
Mary: Be nice!
Eddie: I take it back, Mare. You don’t need to give me any of those flowers you brought.
Gretchen: This play stinks, I’m gonna say it! Toby deserves better!
Anthony: Shh!
Gretchen: Don’t silence me!
Eddie: You you silent or were you silenced?
Gretchen: What?
Eddie: It’s an Oprah quote.
Mary: Shh, he’s near the front of the stage again, he might talk!
Toby: Wow, coach, the big game is in a week!
Lucinda: Groundbreaking. A young Bogart.
Gretchen: Ah, look, he’s setting up the coach’s big solo number! That’s something!
Lucinda: Uh-huh.
After the musical…
Gretchen: Wow, that certainly was -
Toby: Mom! Did you like it?
Gretchen: Ah, kiddo, I wish they had Tonys for local Providence theater! You’d win in a landslide!
Lucinda: Best one-lin-
Anthony: Shut it!
Toby: Actually, we do have a Rhode Island theater award, and the Providence Playhouse does submit their productions.
Gretchen: You don’t say?
Samantha: Son of Gretchen! That was a wonderful night at the theater! You are Broadway-bound if you keep that up!
Jeanne: Definitely the best spoken-word performance in a musical that I’ve seen in a long time. You’re the William Shatner of local theater.
Hank: A star was born tonight. You are our Lady Gaga.
Toby: I’m so glad you all liked it! This means the world to me! I don’t know if I’m Lady Gaga, but I’m flattered.
Gretchen: Next time, I think they’re gonna give you the title role.
Lucinda: Did you all watch what I watched?
Toby: Oh, grandma, you’re a jokester!
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
