Frances in the Kitchen Season 4 Episode 9 - Resignation in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen Season 4 Episode 9
Resignation in the Kitchen

Jimmy and Louise are in their dining room when their phone rings. Jimmy answers.

Jimmy: Hello! Early in the day to be hearing from you, no?

Greg: I need advice.

Jimmy: And you’re asking me?

Greg: Louise, too, if she’s willing.

Louise: She’s not! She’s eating an omelette before work!

Greg: Didn’t realize I was on speakerphone!

Louise: We do everything together, no secrets.

Greg: I quit my job today, and I need to know how to tell Frances.

Louise: What is it in this family lately? No one can hold a job! Is Frances gonna stop being in the kitchen next?

Greg: I made the decision myself, I didn’t appreciate the way that I was being treated around the office.

Jimmy: And all of this happened today? At eight in the morning?

Greg: Well, uh, not quite.

Jimmy: When did it happen, then?

Greg: F… uh… Fr… Friiiiidaaaay?

Jimmy: Was that in English?

Greg: Friday.

Jimmy: You’ve been sitting on this the entire weekend?

Greg: I don’t know how to tell Frances, you know how scary she is.

Jimmy: It’s funny, Lauren had the exact opposite reaction when she got fired. She rushed to tell Frances and couldn’t bear to tell us.

Louise: Don’t remind me.

Greg: The key piece of information here is that you are Lauren’s parents and Frances is my wife. It’s not surprising that we’re scared to tell the people we’re closest to. Plus, Frances is really scary.

Louise: Oh my lord, grow a pair! Stop being such a wimp! She’s not that scary!

Greg: If you could stop yelling at me, that would be great.

Louise: Tough love is the best kind of love.

Greg: So your advice, which you weren’t willing to give two minutes ago but now you are deeply invested, is that I need to just tell Frances?

Louise: Yeah. Duh.

Greg: Is she not going to be upset?

Jimmy: Louise would be furious with me if I quit.

Louise: You’re an idiot.

Jimmy: Thank you.

Louise: She’ll be a lot more upset if you keep this from her any longer, bite the bullet and be a man!

Greg: I guess I’ll go tell her if that’s what you think I should do. If this is the last time I ever speak to the two of you, thanks for everything. It’s been nice.

Louise: Yeah, it’s been a ball. Buh-bye.

Jimmy: Good luck!

Two hours later…

Frances: And now, we throw the ham rolls into the fridge to cool as we begin to prepare our entree.

Beverly: Cut!

Frances: What? That was a perfect take!

Beverly: Yes, but look at the ham that just rolled in.

Jane: Greg! We’re eating ham rolls!

Marcia: Yes, we are so desperately out of ideas that we are now teaching our viewers how to smear cream cheese on sliced ham. Sophisticated stuff.

Greg: Hi, everyone. Frances, can I speak to you for a minute?

Frances: Are you sure?

Greg: What? Yes, I’m sure. Why would I not be sure?

Frances: I just didn’t want to step away from the set, I’m in the zone.

Marcia: It takes her so long to get back in this mythical “zone,” it’s actually a bit concerning.

Frances: I am an artist, I have to be in the right mood to truly perform my craft masterfully.

Marcia: You bake cakes on TV.

Frances: And you stand there watching me bake cakes on TV. Your point is?

Marcia: Just go talk with your husband. The fake kitchen will be here when you get back.

Frances: All right, let’s get this done.

Beverly: You can really feel the love in this marriage, it’s an inspiration.

Marcia: You and Earl aren’t like this at home?

Beverly: No, we’re foolish enough to be happy when we see each other.

In Frances’ office…

Greg: Honey, there’s something I have to tell you. I need you not to be mad.

Frances: Who’d you do?

Greg: What?

Frances: Who are you cheating on me with? Is it the new girl at your work?

Greg: I am not cheating on you!

Frances: Sure.

Greg: Why would I cheat on you?

Frances: Oh, I’m not falling for that one! I am NOT giving you excuses for why YOU cheated on ME!

Greg: I didn’t cheat!

Frances: Then what is with this sad puppy dog eyes and the mopey demeanor?

Greg: Mopey demeanor?

Frances: Come on, you look like Droopy Dog right now.

Greg: Frances, I quit my job.

Frances: You should have cheated!

Greg: You’re that upset?

Frances: I’m not happy, Greg!

Greg: It was an emotional reaction to years of verbal abuse.

Frances: What happened? What was bad enough to make you quit your job?

Greg: He yelled at me.

Frances: Who yelled at you?  I am an extremely powerful and famous celebrity and I will end his ass.

Greg: End his ass?

Frances: Rough him up a bit, get him fired. Who did it?

Greg: Please don’t do that.

Frances: No promises. Who did it?

Greg: My boss.

Frances: Julius? That little wimp? I’ll pound him into the ground.

Greg: No, don’t say it like that. That sounds… don’t do that.

Frances: Get your mind out of the gutter.

Greg: It’s really not that big of a deal, I don’t need my wife going to bat for me.

Frances: It was big enough for you to quit your job!

Greg: That doesn’t mean I want you to  try to fix my problems for me. Do you know how lame it would make me look if it appeared that I sent my wife to my office to try to get my boss to be nicer to me?

Frances: There’s nothing lame about a man having a loving wife.

Greg: You’re not really that loving when you’re mad, though. You’re a little… psychotic? That the word?

Frances: So what grand idea do you have to fix this?

Greg: I’m going to take a little time to enjoy life before I jump back into work. We have the money. Give me two weeks and I’ll look for another job.

Frances: You’re going to have to some up with an excuse for why you’re not at work, because we are not telling everyone we know about this. They can’t know you quit because your boss yelled at you. That’s what bosses do! 

Greg: I’ll say I’m using my vacation days. It’s a perfectly logical excuse. Now, I do have to point out that I am feeling a bit judged.

Frances: When would I ever judge you?

Greg: It just seems like you didn’t take it seriously.

Frances: I don’t think anyone should be yelled at at work, but it happens, that’s all I’m saying. It’s not a reason I’d quit my job, but I don’t know how bad it was.

Greg: It wasn’t the volume of the screaming, or the content of it, it was that it was happening in front of the entire company. Just screaming for all to hear, it was awful.

Frances: I get it, honey, okay? I’ll tell you what, you can stay here and keep us company if you want. You had a rough day.

Greg: Yeah, a really busy one, too.

Frances: I mean, you were so upset about it that you drove here right after you quit to tell me in person.

Greg: I did do that, huh.

Frances: So, you gonna stay with us today?

Greg: I have time to kill, why not?

The next day…

Lauren: Uncle Greg! What are you doing here?

DeAnna: Lauren! We need you in here!

Lauren: I’m just being friendly!

DeAnna: You think that’s something I approve of?

Lauren: It’s family.

DeAnna: I have a show to do!

Frances: Come on, DeAnna, you come out here to bother me every other morning, now you’ve got a problem with it? Are you just upset because you don’t want my husband and niece to see your true nature, and morning chit-chat isn’t fun for you if you can’t be a raging bitch?

DeAnna: I don’t know what you’re referring to.

Greg: I think we should just head on in. Have a nice day, Lauren.

DeAnna: Nothing for me?

Lauren: I think his message was clear.

Frances and Greg walk into the studio.

Beverly: Wow, look who’s here early!

Marcia: You trying to impress Greg?

Frances: I’m here ten minutes earlier than usual, there’s nothing notable about that.

Greg: I rushed her along, I kept it prompt. And I brought donuts!

Frances: From Dunkin! I work as a TV chef, my specialty is baking, and my husband brings fast food donuts for my colleagues. That’s a slap in the face that will forever leave a mark.

Greg: I’m just being friendly.

Beverly: And we appreciate it! She never lets us eat donuts, even when she makes them.

Frances: That is a lie! They lie!

Marcia: No, it’s very much true. She’s a tyrant.

Frances: I am not!

Beverly: Okay, let’s give her a break, she looks like she’s about to cry. Then she’ll have to do her makeup all over again and we’ll be starting late. Almost late enough for Jane to arrive before filming starts.

Marcia: Oh, that’s cruel. She's only been about a half hour late on average recently, that’s really good for her.

Beverly: We should get started straight away, take full advantage of Frances being so early. It would be nice to get out early.

Frances: I’m not that early! He’s not magic!

Greg: I’m going to just sit here and let you all do your work. I find this so fascinating.

Marcia: I can’t believe you’re using your vacation time to sit here and watch us! Even bored housewives don’t sit there and watch us, we are background TV.

Greg: I can’t think of any better way to spend my time off than with my wife.

Marcia: That’s so sweet, it gave me diabetes.

Beverly: Okay, we are starting in ten minutes, everyone get ready!

Marcia: How am I going to eat ten donuts in that time?

Beverly: I have faith in you.

Fifteen minutes later…

Frances: Thank you so much for joining me in my kitchen. Today, we’re focusing on a country with a rich history of culinary excellence that has influenced countless chefs: France. French cooking -

Greg: Are you making french fries?

Frances: Greg! We have microphones! They pick up everything!

Greg: Oh, sorry!

Marcia: Amateur.

Beverly: All right, back to it.

Greg: Yes, sorry for interrupting, Julia Child!

Marcia: Just don't do it again. You may be my brother, but I’ll cut a bitch.

Charlotte: Sit, Ubu, sit.

Marcia: I’m allowed to threaten my brother.

Three hours later…

Frances: So, France. Where were we?

Greg: You were making dessert!

Frances: Oh, right. I forgot with all of the interruptions.

Greg: I’m sorry, I always talk to the TV, you know that.

Beverly: And now we all know.

Marcia: Hey, none of us were previously aware that “France” and “Frances” sounded alike, we needed that interruption.

Jane: I didn’t realize it.

Marcia: You wouldn’t.

Beverly: Back to it, everyone. Maybe we can at least get this episode done before the day is done.

Frances: That’s a lot to ask, Bev.

Beverly: I know, some of us think this is a book club, apparently.

Jane: I read a book last week, can I talk about that?

Marcia: Unbelievable!

Jane: okay, I overstepped, sorry.

Three days later…

Greg: So, this won’t air for weeks?

Marcia: Yes, it’s a good thing we film weeks in advance, we wouldn’t be ready for air this week if we filmed them day-of-release. I can’t figure out why, though.

Greg: Where do they store the film? TV production has always -

Dana: Beverly, can we talk?

Beverly: Oh, that’d be great.

Marcia: Are we to come or -

Dana: Just Beverly.

Frances: It’s my kitchen. Says so on the studio.

Dana: I don’t really want to have this conversation with you.

Frances: Oh, okay. Don’t know what I did to you, but hopefully one day you will find it in your heart to speak with my again.

Dana: Is she always this overdramatic?

Marcia: Every day every week.

Beverly: We can talk in my office. My tiny, minuscule office that could use an expansion.

Dana: I told you, I’m working on it.

Beverly: And that’s why we love you.

In Beverly’s office…

Dana: Beverly, what the hell?

Beverly: What ever do you mean?

Dana: Are you letting Jane direct or something? What is going on?

Beverly: Okay, we’ve had some production difficulties, but it’s nothing to concern yourself about.

Dana: Are you sure? You’ve sent me three episodes this week. You usually send me nine. Not to mention, you did that all in five days, when you usually only film three. 

Beverly: You know, the human condition is so -

Dana: What the hell is going on?

Beverly: Frances’ husband Greg is a pain in the ass.

Dana: Excuse me?

Beverly: He’s driving all of us crazy. He won’t stop interrupting us, we can’t film continuously. 

Dana: I did hear a complaint about him from, uh, well, Marcia.

Beverly: What do you want me to do, Dana?

Dana: He can’t come to tapings anymore.

Beverly: You want me to get Tom Petty to come in and sing Don’t Come Around Here No More for him?

Dana: No, this has cost us more than enough so as it is. Just tell him yourself. Maybe have Frances do it. Anything to get you guys back on track.

Beverly: I was afraid you’d say that.

Dana: Just get it done. I believe in you.

Beverly: A nice chat as always, thank you.

Beverly walks Dana out of the studio.

Beverly: Girls, can we talk?

Frances: Can we leave Greg unsupervised?

Greg: I’ll behave, I promise.

Frances: All right, then away we go.

In Beverly’s office…

Beverly: Frances, he has to go.

Frances: What? But he’s been so…

Marcia: He has to go. Sisters aren’t made to spend so much time listening to their brothers talk.

Beverly: It’s an order from Dana, and I agree with it. He’s just so annoying.

Jane: What? No! He’s been so much fun to talk to!

Beverly: Yeah, the talking is the problem. During the take, between every take, about every take. I feel like I have a narrator on the set.

Frances: Do I have to tell him he’s banned from the set myself? Can’t Jane do it?

Beverly: I would appreciate you doing it. Jane would mess it up somehow.

Frances: You know, he lost his job. This is just until he gets back on his feet.

Marcia: He lost his job? Why’s he here? 

Beverly: Hopefully he isn’t trying to get a job here, I don’t think that’d work out well for him.

Frances: He just wanted to take a break from the hustle and bustle for a little while and chose to send his time off with us. I feel bad kicking him out.

Marcia: That is sad. Now, kick him out. Maybe find some job applications for him, too.

Frances: I’m going to tell him, you all stay in here.

Beverly: Can’t you wait until the end of the day? It’ll be so awkward…

Frances: No. I gotta deal with it, so do all of you.

Beverly: And so it goes.

Frances walks back onto the set.

Frances: Honey, I have something to tell you.

Greg: There have been a lot of discussions today, what’s going on?

Frances: You’re interrupting us, constantly. It’s hurting our productivity, and they don’t want you coming with me to the set anymore.

Greg: Oh, uh, okay. I’ll go sit in the car I guess?

Frances: No, don’t do that. The heat will kill you.

Greg: The heat’s pretty fatal in here, too.

Frances: They’re not mad at you, just tired of the interruptions. Not all of us are made for tV sets.

Greg: For what it’s worth, I had fun.

Frances: Honey, you have to get your job back. Go grovel, it’s what’s best for us.

Greg: I’ll call Julius now.

Frances: Love ya!

Later that night, at dinner…

Jimmy: So, Greg, you excited for next week’s shows? I know how much you’ve been enjoying going.

Greg: Oh… I’ve been told not to return to the set.

Jimmy: Frannie find out that you waited three days to tell her you quit?

Frances: You did WHAT?

What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season finale next week!

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