Gretchen is lying in bed in the morning.
Anthony: Honey, it’s getting late. Don’t you need to get out of bed and get ready?
Gretchen: My throat is not feeling right, and I feel exhausted.
Anthony: You’re probably just burned out from Pride. You were doing a lot of screaming and yelling from that parade float.
Gretchen: You think I’m exhausted from sitting in the back of a car and waving at people? How little work do you think I do on a daily basis?
Anthony: I just know how I feel after a concert or something when I’m yelling. You know your body better than I do -
Gretchen: I don’t know, you know my body pretty well. You’ve definitely done more exploration on it than I have.
Anthony: If you think you’re sick, then I believe you.
Gretchen: And I appreciate that. It’s so painful when someone doesn’t believe you when you know in your heart how sick you are. Believe me, I felt it countless times growing up with that as my mother.
Lucinda: Were you speaking of me?
Gretchen: I only said your name once, not three times. Why are you suddenly popping up?
Lucinda: Very funny. I was coming in to check on why you aren’t out of bed yet, as Toby has to leave for school in less than ten minutes.
Anthony: She’s sick, I think she just wants to rest.
Lucinda: Stay right there, I’ll be right back.
Gretchen: Quick, lock the door!
Anthony: I’m far too scared of her to do that.
Lucinda: All right, I’m back!
Gretchen: I was promised a minute away from you, that was about ten seconds.
Lucinda: Stick your tongue out and lift it.
Gretchen: What? Why?
Lucinda: I have to see if you’re really sick enough to justify missing work.
Anthony: I don’t think that’s really up to you, is it?
Lucinda: Well, who would it be up to if not me? You? I don’t think so!
Anthony: I would say probably Gretchen? You know, the one whose job it is.
Lucinda: She’s our governor, it’s all of our business.
Anthony: I think the state will continue to function if she stays home in bed one day.
Lucinda: Tongue out.
Anthony: And now she’s ignoring me, how charming.
Christina: Hey, I’m taking Toby out to t- wait, why are you two standing around staring at mom in bed? And why are you talking about her tongue?
Gretchen: I’m sick, honey.
Christina: Are you sure that’s not just from yelling at Pride?
Gretchen: Why are you all blaming this on gay people? And in Pride Month!
Christina: It was merely a question. I don’t really want to believe that you are contagious and can infect the whole house, especially with us all corralled in here.
Lucinda: Wow, 101.9. You’re sick, stay in bed.
Gretchen: I told you!
Lucinda: I’m going to make you some soup and get you a cooling compress, just stay in bed. Anthony, call Carol and tell her Gretchen won’t be in today or tomorrow. This fever has to stay broken for twenty-four hours before she can go to work.
Anthony: Look who is suddenly a caring, doting mother.
Lucinda: My daughter is sick, this is no time for petty feuds. Get it together, man.
Anthony: While I find it laughable coming from your mouth, I tend to agree. So I’m going to go and call Carol.
Anthony walks over to the phone and calls Carol.
Carol: Hey there! Where you at, Gretchen? We have a meeting in about a half hour, you’re running very late.
Anthony: It’s me, hi.
Carol: You’re the problem, it’s you.
Anthony: What?
Carol: It’s a Taylor Sw- never mind. What’s up, man?
Anthony: I’m sorry to let you know that my wife is sick, she won’t be in today or tomorrow. She’s running a terrible fever and has a sore throat.
Carol: Really? She was just at Pride yesterday having the time of her life, that’s quite a fast downturn. What a bummer.
Anthony: She doesn’t like when someone mentions Pride in reference to her sickness, I guess she thinks the gay community has been through enough without having to take the blame for getting the governor sick.
Carol: That’s very considerate of her.
Anthony: She’s a little embarrassed that she’s going to miss her meeting.
Carol: Oh, come on, this is nothing. Surely it’s no worse than last week’s big story about Gretchen fainting after meeting teen figure skating phenom Isabeau Levito at a skating show in Boston because she was so starstruck.
Anthony: What was embarrassing about that? She’s passionate about her interests, that’s great.
Carol: She was in Boston. We don’t do that.
Anthony: Yeah, that was pretty bad.
Carol: Regardless, being ill is nothing to be embarrassed about. Send her our best wishes, and tell her to come back whenever she feels up to it. We’ll cover for her.
Anthony: Thank you, I’ll let her know.
Carol hangs up.
Susana: What was that about?
Carol: Gretchen is sick, and she’s not coming in today or tomorrow.
Susana: She is? She seemed fine yesterday at Pride. Must’ve come on quick.
Carol: You know, she was just saying last week that she’s on a mission from God, like she’s some sort of Blues Brother, and now she’s in bed with the flu. Surely that’s not just a coincidence? She has to be cursed.
Susana: It’s just so bizarre that it happened so suddenly. From perfectly fine to bedridden in twelve hours.
Carol: That’s how being sick works sometimes. Not all of us have the luck that you have, to avoid illness like the president avoids paying taxes.
Susana: It’s not luck, I take incredible care of my body.
Carol: I dare you to call Gretchen and tell her she’s sick because she doesn’t take care of herself.
Susana: I didn’t say that. Not in those exact terms, at least.
Carol: It’s fine. I saw that woman pick a corndog out of the garbage can once, wipe it off with a paper towel, and eat it. It’s sort of incredible she’s not bedridden more often.
Susana: We can handle today’s meeting ourselves, right?
Carol: I don’t think she’ll mind if we interview prospective communications directors ourselves. She’s always hated hiring interviews anyway.
Susana: We could just bypass these interviews altogether by giving me the job!
Carol: Okay, Mike Richards.
Susana: What’s that supposed to mean?
Carol: The person in charge decides to hire themselves. It’s a classic move, I’d have done it myself if the chief of staff weren’t paid far more than the comms director.
Susana: You know what I just realized? With Gretchen out for the day, and us in charge of the office… we’re kinda like the co-governors right now.
Carol: Ah, just what I always wanted listed on my resume, serving two days as active governor of that state you drive through on your way to vacation on Cape Cod.
Susana: Come on, it’ll be fun to be governor. We’re in charge, people gotta listen to us.
Samantha: Excuse me?
Carol: Oh no, not you.
Samantha: Did I hear you right? Gretchen isn’t here today?
Carol: You’re hearing things. The governor is here and she is governing.
Samantha: Then why can’t I see her? Has she turned into The Invisible Woman?
Carol: She’s… in the bathroom.
Samantha: Carol, her car isn’t here.
Carol: The bathroom at the café down the street, where she went to pick up some donuts for our prospective new hires.
Samantha: Is she sick or did she just get tired of the job? It’s Raymond, so I wouldn’t be shocked with either.
Hank: What’s going on in here? Did Raymond play hooky?
Jeanne: Yeah, word on the street is that she isn’t here today.
Carol: What is occurring around me?
Jeanne: Oh, what a shock. An employee of Gretchen’s that’s totally clueless.
Carol: Why are you all here?
Susana: Stop insulting them, I think every time we have a negative thought about them, another one appears.
Carol: Well, who would the fourth horseman of the apocalypse be? These are the only three pains in the ass I can think of at the moment.
Susana: Gretchen’s mom.
Carol: Come on, Lucinda is a… I got nothing.
Samantha: So Gretchen’s not coming today? That’s what I’m gathering here, at least.
Susana: She’s very sick and recovering at home.
Carol: Why would you volunteer that information?
Susana: They already figured out she wasn’t here! No harm in explaining the truth.
Hank: To be honest, I don’t really care that she’s not here, I just wanted to stir up trouble. The House doesn’t have any business with her today.
Jeanne: Nor does the Senate, but I am mad she’s not here today, because it reeks of laziness. Rhode Island would’ve had a 24/7/365 governor with me.
Carol: For Christ’s sake, the woman’s got the flu, she didn’t jet off to Cabo. Cut her a bit of slack.
Jeanne: You know how many days I took off when I had my son? Zero. I popped him out on me break, handed him off to by husband, and got back to work.
Susana: That feels unlik-
Jeanne: A little flu should not keep the governor down.
Samantha: No, no,, let her stay down. Tell her to take the whole week off, I’ll take care of things.
Carol: In that case, she’ll be back by lunch.
Samantha: Our state constitution states that in the event that the governor is absent, the lieutenant governor is granted the title of acting governor.
Carol: She’s in bed, Pratt, not on an African safari.
Samantha: It doesn’t matter! She’s not here, I’m the captain now.
Susana: I don’t think that’s what the constitution intended. I think it’s more about long-term and out-of-state absences.
Samantha: Regardless, I think it’s in the best interest of the state for them to have a governor.
Carol: We do have a governor, she’s in bed. If any pressing state emergency pops up, I’ll have her mom wake her up.
Hank: You make it sound like our governor is a six year-old.
Jeanne: That’s how emotionally mature she is.
Carol: We have a meeting to get to, so we’d appreciate it if you crazy people would step aside and let us do that.
Samantha: A meeting? And you’re not including the acting governor?
Carol: You are not the acting governor!
Samantha: You are leaving us without a proper line of defense. What if Connecticut invades?
Carol: Then I’ll thank them and God for freeing us all from this hellscape and hope that they make my death a quick one.
Samantha: At least tell me what the meeting is about!
Carol: It’s about how you need to get ta steppin’.
Samantha: My underlings are children, too.
Carol: We are not your underlings! We will never be your underlings! If we should ever find ourselves potentially being considered your underlings, we will quit. Goodbye.
Carol and Susana walk to the conference room.
Susana: You know, it could be worse. Jeanne could be the acting governor right now rather than Samantha.
Carol: Unless Gretchen died in the last half-hour and nobody told me, we don’t have an acting governor right now at all!
Susana: I know, but at least it’s Samantha that thinks she’s in charge and not Jeanne. That would be a nightmare.
Carol: I don’t even want to think about either of those power-hungry maniacs being our governor. I just want to think about finding a new press secretary.
Susana: Communications director.
Carol: Yeah, sure.
Carol opens the door to the conference room.
Carol: Hello, you must be…
Woman: Sarita Mishra. Everyone just calls me Massachusetts, though.
Carol: Oh no, does that mean you’re -
Sarita: From Massachusetts? Yes. I do apologize for that.
Susana: It’s fine, we can forgive it.
Carol: I’m Carol Mockley, I’m Governor Raymond’s chief of staff.
Susana: I’m Susana Mockley, nepotism queen of Rhode Island.
Sarita: I was under the impression that Governor Raymond would be meeting with me?
Carol: We all were, but sometimes a flu knocks you down and, contrary to what Chumbawumba may say, it’s very hard to get up again.
Sarita: Chumbawumba?
Carol: Oh, no, she’s too young to know Chumbawumba. How old are you, by the way? You look twelve.
Susana: Are you allowed to ask that in an interview?
Carol: Of course! I didn’t ask her religion or sexual orientation!
Sarita: Hindu, and bisexual.
Carol: Wow, two birds with one stone!
Susana: Ignore her!
Sarita: Oh, no! I think the ignorance of our elders is funny!
Carol: We never did get an answer on the age, we’re not violating any federal labor laws here, are we?
Sarita: I’m twenty-one.
Carol: And you have a PoliSci degree already?
Sarita: I graduated a year early from high school.
Carol: So we’ve got a smart one on our hands.
Susana: We could use one of those around here.
Sarita: You both seem plenty smart, so does the governor. I’m not sure about the lieutenant governor, but alas, I think Rhode Island is in good hands.
Carol: All music to my ears. You seem to know just what I want to hear, which is shocking for someone named “Massachusetts.” I do have to ask something about that -
Susana: Mom.
Carol: It’s nothing offensive!
Sarita: Fire away. Happy to clarify anything
Carol: You didn’t only move here when you started attending Brown, did you?
Sarita: Would that be a problem?
Susana: Nope!
Carol: I’m just assessing your loyalty to the state. You never know when Massachusetts is going to invade.
Sarita: I do doubt that Massachusetts would ever “invade,” but this is my home now. I would side with us.
Carol: Okay, very good!
Susana: Maybe we should move into why you’re qualified to be communications director, rather than making sure you aren’t a turncoat for Massachusetts.
Carol: Who isn’t qualified for that job?
Susana: Me, apparently.
Carol: I never said that!
Susana: Sarita, ignore us. Go ahead and answer the question so you can get on with your day eventually. We don’t want to take up too much of your valuable time.
Sarita: I find this very entertaining, I’d really like for it to continue.
Carol: We’re no Laurel & Hardy, but I’m glad we’re entertaining you.
Sarita: To answer your question, I was a PoliSci major, but I minored in communications. Obviously, I’ve never worked as a communications director before at my age, I understand I may be seen as too young or too naive for such an important position, but I would disagree. I’ve volunteered on multiple Democratic campaigns, including Governor Raymond’s, and I’ve been civically engaged since my teen years.
Carol: Which, to be fair, ended two years ago.
Sarita: Don’t let my lack of experience be confused for a lack of knowledge. I have what it takes for this job.
Carol: We reviewed your resume, and we agree. And, I love your fighting spirit. In fact, you’re really everything that we are looking for, so much so that you’re the only candidate for the job that we scheduled a meeting with today. The job is yours if you want it.
Sarita: Are you sure?
Carol: Am I sure?
Sarita: I mean, the governor isn’t here to approve of it, won’t she get mad?
Carol: The governor and I enjoy a level of deep mutual respect, she will trust my judgment on this hire. Plus, I am basically the acting governor right now, so it’s my say.
Sarita: So she won’t fire me?
Carol: No, she is absolutely terrified of confrontation. She has never fired anyone.
Susana: Maybe not the best information to share with a new hire.
Carol: I trust her.
Sarita: So when do I sign a contract or whatever it is I need to do?
Carol: If you come back tomorrow, we’ll have all the paperwork ready for you to sign and then you can start work. As of now, we’ll let the other applicants know that the position has been filled.
Sarita: This is so great, thank you!
Carol: Our pleasure, uh… Massachusetts;.
Sarita: You don’t have to call me that if you don’t want.
Carol: No, no. It’s your wish, I will honor it, no matter how horrific I find it.
Susana: All right, we’ll let you go, then. We have to get back to work ourselves, so we’re going to head out.
Sarita: See you tomorrow, colleagues!
Carol and Susana return to Gretchen’s office…
Carol: What the hell is going on in here?
Susana: It’s like the Mutiny on the Bounty in this room!
Samantha: Do you not like the changes I’ve made?
Susana: We’ve been gone fifteen minutes, how did you do all of this?
Samantha: I’m just that good.
Carol: You rearranged the entire office, put up new pictures, and put your name plate on Gretchen’s desk. Nothing about that is “good.”
Samantha: I’m the acting governor, I get the governor’s office.
Carol: You didn’t act this insane the last time you were acting governor. What’s different this time?
Susana: That would imply that this time is legitimate.
Carol: Thank you for reminding me, it is crucial to remember that you are still not the acting governor.
Samantha: First off, I am the acting governor. And, secondly, I’m making fuller use of my new powers this time because the last time I stepped in, I thought I’d be back as a full-time governor the next year. This time, I know that’s not the case and I’m relishing in the opportunity.
Carol: You’re deranged. I should call security.
Samantha: What is so bad about letting me do my job from this office?
Carol: It isn’t your job!
Samantha: What does Gretchen even do all day? Cut ribbons? Meet with businesses and beg them not to also leave the state like seemingly every other company does? Make snide remarks to Jeanne in the hallway? I can do all of that with ease!
Susana: She’s got a point.
Carol: She does not!
Susana: We don’t have anything major actually planned for the next few days, just let her play governor.
Samantha: She makes a good point!
Carol: Okay, fine, you can call yourself acting governor.
Samantha: I knew I’d wear you down!
Carol: However…
Samantha: Dammit.
Carol: I won’t hesitate to call Gretchen if I see any tomfoolery out of you. No bill signings, no scheduling new meetings, no public speeches. You are a caretaker, not an executive.
Samantha: I can agree to those terms.
Carol: Then congratulations on your meaningless new title, madam lieutenant governor.
The next day…
Carol: Someone parked in my parking spot, Hank. This is a crisis!
Hank: I highly doubt it was intentional.
Carol: Nothing around here is done without malice.
Hank: That’s not true.
Carol: Wait, why am I talking to you? Am I losing it?
Susana: You’re talking to him because I didn’t fit in the elevator and you left me!
Carol: Then how’d you get here, if the elevator was full?
Susana: I’m young and fit. I can run up stairs.
Carol: No need to rub it in.
Susana: Oh, god.
Carol: Let me complain about being old if I want, I am your mother!
Susana: No, mom. Look in the office.
Samantha: Ladies! You’re here!
Carol: I hate so much about this.
Samantha: Ladies, meet my mom, Wilma.
Carol: Did she park in my spot?
Wilma: Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry about that.
Carol: I’m just kind of glad your daughter didn’t fire me and replace me as chief of staff.
Samantha: Come on, why would I do that?
Carol: We’ve not been friends, Pratt.
Susana: It’s so nice to meet you, Mrs. Pratt. I feel like I already know you, after seeing you in all those ads on TV.
Wilma: I became a bit of a star of my retirement home.
Samantha: Which is why we had to move her out of the home and into my house. She was too famous.
Susana: I’ll spare you an autograph request, then. Don’t want to make you uncomfortable.
Wilma: You know, I was a state legislator back in the 1970s, and things have changed a lot. For one, we can all go to the bathroom in this building now, instead of having to walk down to the bank.
Susana: They made you do that?
Wilma: Yeah, and if the bank was closed, you had to go to McDonald’s. It was terrible. Now I get to come in this building and see my daughter as governor.
Carol: Governor?
Wilma: Yes, look at the name plate on her desk. “Samantha Pratt - Governor.” It’s so beautiful to see.
Susana: Did she tell you she’s the governor now?
Wilma: Of course! She is the governor!
Samantha: Okay, I can explain.
Carol: Gretchen’s gonna love hearing about this. I should call her up and tell her right now!
Samantha: I’ll get the moving boxes.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
