The group is at breakfast on the first day of shooting for Bake Your Heart Out.
Leslie: Isn’t it great to be back here? For starters, this is the only time I ever actually eat breakfast.
Charlotte: It’s way too early to be sitting in a restaurant. How did I do this before?
Sam: What’s the matter, champ? Staying up too late at all the big Hollywood parties?
Charlotte: It’s seven AM here, so really it’s four AM back home, and that’s when I’d turn in for bed most nights. My body’s not acclimated to the change yet.
Diane: I can’t believe anyone could stay up so late, just thinking of it makes me break into hives.
Garry: I have a toddler, so I can relate.
Charlotte: What do you mean, Diane? You came to one of the parties with me, you partied later than I did!
Sam: Excuse me? Diane went to a Hollywood party? This is the first I’m hearing of it.
Diane: It was one time, Charlotte dragged me to the Vanity Fair Oscars party because she didn’t want to go alone.
Sam: So that’s why you didn’t watch the Oscars with me even though I invited you to. I see how it is.
Diane: What?
Sam: A fancy party is more important than spending the night with your best friend.
Diane: Are you seriously mad I went to an Oscars afterparty and didn’t tell you?
Sam: That’s another part of it, you kept it from me because you knew you were in the wrong! Shady!
Diane: You done?
Sam: No, I feel betrayed!
Frances (singing): You betrayed meeeeeeee
Diane: Stay out of this, Frances!
Frances: Okay, sorry!
Diane: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, it wasn’t a big deal to me. If it makes you feel any better, I had a lousy time.
Charlotte: You told me you enj-
Diane: You are not helping.
Garry: Ladies, this is not worth fighting over. The Oscars were three months ago, this is old news.
Sam: Not to me. To me it’s new news. It’s a betrayal that’s fresh on my mind.
Diane: Did you want me to not go to the Vanity Fair party just to spare your feelings?
Sam: You could’ve at least asked me if I was interested.
Diane: It wasn’t my invite to give. In fact, why are you mad at me and not Charlotte?
Charlotte: Hey, no need to drag me into this!
Diane: I’m being honest. You were the one invited, I had no right to ask anyone else to come.
Sam: That’s not even why I’m mad, it’s the secretiveness of it all. You lied to me! We don’t lie to each other.
Waitress: I’m sorry to interrupt, I don’t mean to be rude, but could I take your orders?
Leslie: Eggs. We’ll all have eggs. Scrambled. With toast. And orange juice.
Garry: I wanted French toast!
Leslie: Well, you’re getting eggs. Just let this poor woman get away from our table.
Waitress: I can do French toast if he’d like.
Leslie: The eggs really are fine.
Frances: That was cold-hearted.
Leslie: I wish I was fully cold-hearted right about now, that would mean I were dead and I didn’t have to hear this idiotic bickering.
Sam: It is not idiotic!
Diane: Sam, I’m sorry I kept it from you, it wasn’t my intention to lie. Can we move past this?
Sam: No!
Leslie: Seems pretty idiotic to me!
Diane: Why are you taking this so hard?
Sam: We are best friend, and you lied to my face and never came clean for over three months. We don’t lie to each other, we tell each other everything! Even after I tell you how I feel, you refuse to acknowledge that you did anything wrong. It’s very upsetting.
Diane: I just don-
Sam: Enough! No more excuses, you blew it!
Charlotte: Surely there has to be a way for you to get past this, this isn’t worth feuding over.
Frances: Not to mention, we have a show to fil-
Charlotte: Shh!
Frances: It’s true!
Charlotte: Their feelings must come first, we have to heal this rift. If not, the. Feelings of ill will will remain and it will rot this show from the inside out.
Frances: Okay, Dr. Phil.
Sam: I’m going to head to the set. Here’s a twenty, that should cover my meal that I never got a chance to eat. I need time to cool off by myself.
Diane: You drove me here!
Sam: Get a ride with your new best friend Charlotte!
Charlotte: It’s actually Leslie’s rental and it’s only made for four p-
Leslie: She’s gone, dear.
Garry: Oh, look! My French toast!
Leslie: I can’t believe the waitress ignored me!
Diane: I can’t believe you all did that!
Leslie: What exactly did we do?
Diane: You all ran your mouths and got me in trouble with that nut!
Charlotte: I believe you were the one who first offered up the details.
Diane: Wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t mention we partied together!
Frances: Can we please just eat our dry scrambled eggs in peace?
Garry: Our our French toast!
Leslie: Enough with the French toast!
Later, at the studio…
Diane: Did she lock herself in her dressing room? Are you kidding me?
Charlotte: She doesn’t seem to be in much of a kidding mood if I’m being honest.
Diane: You don’t say? My god, I’m best friends with a child!
Leslie: Diane, where are you going?
Diane: If she’s locking herself in her dressing room, I’m locking myself in mine!
Frances: That’s the mature way to handle it! You go, girl!
Leslie: Just don’t be in there long, okay?
Diane: I will be in there as long as it takes for her to grow up!
Frances: She’s eight feet tall, how much more you want her to grow?
Diane: I meant emotionally!
Diane storms off to her dressing room.
Frances: Oh, yeah… this is gonna be a stalemate.
Garry: I can go talk to Sam if you want. Maybe Charlotte can talk to Diane in a little bit, once she cools off.
Frances: Are you suicidal, Garry? Because Sam will bite your head off it you try to talk to her about this. She’s not a fan.
Garry: Maybe we can get Nicolle to call her.
Frances: There it is. The first smart idea Garry’s ever had.
Charlotte: I’ll call her. She’ll send Garry to voicemail.
Garry: What? We’re close!
Charlotte: Sure.
Frances: Maybe we can get Melanie to call Diane. I’d suggest one of her kids, but I don’t know their numbers. Or their names. Plus, Melanie is basically her kid anyway. She’s basically adopted her.
Leslie: I half expect them to hang up in an angry fit, but it’s worth a try.
Twenty minutes later, Sam gets a call in her dressing room…
Sam: Oh, honey, I’m not in the greatest of moods today.
Nicolle: What is going on?
Sam: Am I sensing a hostile tone?
Nicolle: Your co-workers called -
Sam: Uh-oh.
Nicolle: in a frenzy, because apparently, you and Diane are “feuding.”
Sam: Yeah, it’s a real Bette and Joan situation going on here.
Nicolle: And for what reason?
Sam: Betrayal!
Nicolle: She went to a party and didn’t tell you
Sam: She lied about where she was, it’s a betrayal.
Nicolle: My lord, I feel like I’m talking to my child and not my wife.
Sam: Excuse me?
Nicolle: Surely you can see that this is all obscenely childish?
Sam: I don’t agree.
Nicolle: Honey, you’ve locked yourself in your dressing room because you’re fighting with your best friend over a party that took place months ago, and you’re delaying filming. You’re not oozing maturity right now.
Sam: I’m allowed to have feelings, I can’t be the emotionally stable one all the time!
Nicolle: You do have a right to feel the way you do, but you either have to talk it out with Diane -
Sam: Not happening, she has to come to me. I gave her plenty of opportunities today and she blew it over and over again.
Nicolle: You could also be a professional and just work with her, even if you’re mad. I work with plenty of people I absolutely can’t stand, because it’s my job, and I don’t have any other choice.
Sam: You don’t get it, you’re just doing their bidding for them. They’re all on her side.
Nicolle: Oh my god, no they aren’t! They just want this over with, they’re at work and can’t even do any work because the hosts are locked in their dressing rooms and won’t come out. This is like that season of American Idol with Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj.
Sam: Why do I always have to be the bigger person?
Nicolle: Do you? You kinda just make fun of them all day, no?
Sam: Whose side are you on?
Nicolle: The side of stopping my phone from ringing about Bake Your Heart Out problems while I’m trying to write an article.
Meanwhile, in Diane’s dressing room, she gets a call from Melanie.
Diane: What’s up, Mel?
Melanie: Is something wrong? You don’t sound like yourself.
Diane: No, all is fine here. How about you? You never call like this in the middle of the day.
Melanie: Ah, you know, just trying to pass the time while I’m at work.
Diane: You’re at work? And you’re on the phone with me?
Melanie: Ten in the morning isn’t exactly our busy hour, most guests are out seeing the area. I have a lot of downtime, you wouldn’t believe the number of US Weeklys that I get to read. Most of them from, like, five years ago. Did you know Jennifer Aniston is getting divorced?
Diane: Yeah, I’ve heard. So that’s all you’re calling for? Nothing wrong?
Melanie: Nothing with me. I’ve heard some things about you, though.
Diane: From whom? If it’s from Sam, it’s very unlikely to be true.
Melanie: I heard from Frances.
Diane: Fifty-fifty chance of truth.
Melanie: I’m not on anyone’s side, I love you all.
Diane: Here we go.
Melanie: I’m not trying to say who’s in the right, it’s just that I care about you and I can’t bear to hear about you feuding. Whatever’s going on, it’s not worth ruining a friendship.
Diane: What did they tell you, then?
Melanie: Just that you and Sam had a fight and you’ve locked yourself in your dressing room.
Diane: Well, she did it first. I’m tired of being the bigger person. If she gets to be petty, so do I.
Melanie: Don’t you think it’s worth trying to set things aside for the good of the show and your other friends? No one else needs to be dragged into your and Sam’s private business. You certainly don’t want the show impacted by it, especially when we all know you’ll get past it eventually. You’ve been through too much to let… whatever this is about impact you. What is this fight about, anyway? Not that it’s any of my business.
Diane: It’s about me going to a party and not telling Sam. Would you believe that?
Melanie: It’s pretty unbelievable.
Diane: We have too much money, Melanie. We focus on nonsense like Oscar parties rather than things normal people focus on.
Melanie: We all have feelings, Diane. That’s the thing that connects us all. No matter how rich or poor, we all feel. Being upset over hurt feelings is a universal thing.
Diane: I didn’t do anything to hurt her feelings. Maybe I should have told her, but I knew it would upset her to not be invited to the party and I didn’t get a plus one. I was the plus one.
Melanie: A big star like you didn’t get invited to an Oscar party? You’re the star of the #1 show on TV, why wouldn’t they invite you?
Diane: The movie folks don’t like to mix with us TV folks. We can be the biggest stars of the small screen, but we can’t mingle with Meryl, it’s not our place.
Melanie: Hollywood seems lovely.
Meanwhile, on the set…
Paul: Leslie, where are the hosts of your show?
Leslie: Um, loaded question there!
Paul: No, it’s a very simple one, really. The show is supposed to start filming right now, where are the hosts?
Leslie: They’re in their dressing rooms.
Paul: Tell them to hurry up. Your other stars managed to get ready in time.
Frances: Oh, they aren’t getting ready for the show! A battle, perhaps.
Paul: Can you all stop being cryptic and just fill me in on what’s going on? As the boss, I believe I’m owed an explanation.
Leslie: Sam and Diane are fighting right now because of some petty reason and they’ve both locked themselves in their dressing rooms. I’m not sure what the end goal is, but we are trying to fish them out.
Paul: How, exactly?
Charlotte: We called some trusted friends to help us out.
Paul: Okay, so I sense this situation will not be changing anytime soon. I will be calling in maintenance to pry the doors open.
Leslie: Surely there are other ways?
Paul: The van with the contestants is nearly here, we can’t mess around any longer. Your methods aren’t working, time to try mine.
Leslie: Just give me five minutes to talk them out of there. It’ll work. I’m persuasive.
Paul: You have persuaded me to give you five minutes, nothing more. Mainly because I known what a hassle it would be to have to put the doors back on after they’re ripped off. Just sort this out.
Leslie: Will do, boss!
Leslie walks to Sam’s dressing room and nearly knocks on the door when it swings open.
Sam: What, you gonna hit me for delaying your show? I don’t think OSHA would like that.
Leslie: You’re out!
Sam: Yes, as fellow entertainment pioneer Freddie Mercury once said, the show must go on.
Leslie: Diane! You’re out, too?
Sam: She couldn’t stay in there if I was coming out. Not her style.
Diane: No, actually the call from Melanie helped. The show has to be my priority, I can’t hold it up.
Paul: Wow, they came out? You’re good!
Sam: She had n-
Leslie: I know I am. Now, let the show begin!
On the soundstage…
Diane: Hello and w-
Sam: welcome to Bake Your Heart Out! We’re here in beautiful Rho-
Diane: Rhode Island yet again, and we are so excited to introduce th-
Sam: this year’s fine class of bakers! Up first is Anita, an -
Diane: HOA President from Lakey -
Sam: Virginia.
Diane: I can only hope we don’t break any of her rul-
Sam: You already have!
Diane: Next up is line cook Calvin, from -
Sam: Alabaster, Alabama.
Paul: Cut! Stop!
Sam: What? Why?
Anita: As someone who knows drama when she sees it, you can cut the tension in this place with a knife! Tall one, you look at the old one the way I look at my rival, Betty.
Sam: Who is this woman talking to me?
Diane: Old one? We’re, like, the same age.
Leslie: Don’t worry about her, ladies, we’ll make sure she gets eliminated first.
Anita: What?
Frances: We would never rig the show, don’t worry.
Sam: Why did you stop filming, Paul?
Charlotte: Maybe because he has ears?
Sam: Excuse me?
Paul: You’re acting like children. I won’t hesitate to shut this all down. It’s my top show, but it’s not worth my SANITY! Figure this out!
Paul storms off.
Leslie: Paul, I’ll fix this, I promise! Don’t cancel us!
Diane: He’s in a-
Leslie: You! And you! My office!
France: Oh boy, they’re in trouble!
Leslie: Quiet, before you’re joining them.
Garry: Come on, Frances, let’s go play Mario Kart in my dressing room.
Charlotte: Wow, you can cut this sexual tension with a knife.
In Leslie’s office…
Leslie: What is wrong with the two of you? You’re talking over each other during filming, cutting each other off. It’s unprofessional and, even worse, the footage is unusable. I refuse to let this happen to this show. Talk it out. Fix this. We’re not leaving this room until you do.
Sam: I just wish that you would consider my feelings. I always consider yours, I listen to you be all emotional, the one time I’m upset, I’m called a child and my feelings are brushed off. It’s not right.
Diane: No, it’s not. I had every right to go to the party, but I didn’t have a right to lie to you about it, or to deny your feelings about it. I should have just told you Charlotte invited me and I wanted to go.
Sam: You’re right. Thank you.
Diane: Do you forgive me?
Sam: I don’t love how this went down, but I still love you. You are my greatest friend and, yes, I forgive you. I couldn’t ever stay mad at you.
Leslie: Wow, I am good! I should become a therapist!
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
