Bake Your Heart Out Season 5 Episode 3 - Death of a Muffin Man

Bake Your Heart Out Season 5, Episode 3
Death of a Muffin Man

The group is at the diner for breakfast before filming.

Charlotte: I guess, in a way, it was good to start the season with a fight. We got it out of the way.

Frances: There will be more. It’s us.

Diane: I don’t know how you did it, but at least you got that horrible Anita woman off the show. She was a troublemaker, I could tell. We would’ve had a lot more arguments with her around to stir the pot.

Frances: You want me to be honest with you? Nina and Kamala were both worse. Anita’s attitude rubbed us the wrong way, so badly that we had to cut her loose. Her cookies weren’t quite as dry or flavorless as we implied.

Sam: You’re an evil genius!

Garry: It was mob idea!

Sam: I take it back. You should be ashamed of yourself for being biased judges. People are thrown off the federal bench for that kind of judicial misconduct.

Frances: Good thing we only judge pastries on television.

Leslie: I do have to say, personally disliking contestants is probably not good criteria to base eliminations on.

Charlotte: We couldn’t send Nina home, Leslie! She was only here a few days, she needs a longer break from Texas than that!

Leslie: You say whatever you want to about Texas so long as you keep Oklahoma out of it.

Charlotte: I wouldn’t dream of disparaging Oklahoma. They’ve given us so much, like… you and, uh… 

Diane: Reba!

Frances: Merle Haggard

Garry: Award-winning play-turned award-nominated movie August: Osage County!

Sam: And nothing else!

Diane: Someone forgot about Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Oklahoma! I starred in a production of that when I was first starting out.

Sam: I think they referenced that on Euphoria once.

Frances: You watch Euphoria?

Sam: Only to remind myself of how much worse our show could be.

Charlotte: I was asked to do a guest spot on Euphoria once.

Diane: Well, what did you say?

Charlotte: I said “I am an Oscar winner, no way in hell!”

Diane: Succinct, right to the point, I like it.

Frances: Garry, are you almost done with your eggs? You are the slowest eater I’ve ever met.

Garry: Just a piece of toast to finish.

Frances: You can eat that on the road, let’s get out of here.

Leslie: Yeah, I’m really hungry for some muffins.

Sam: You could’ve ordered one rather than wait for craft services.

Leslie: Do you not listen to our production meetings? This week is muffin week on the show!

Sam: A whole week dedicated to muffins?

Frances: Hey, we’ve done a lot of episodes over the years, cut us some slack.

Garry: I’m pretty sure we did this theme in the past, too.

Sam: That doesn’t make it better! It’s a terrible theme AND it’s reused!

Leslie: They’re not all gonna be winners. Let’s go to work.

Sam: We haven’t paid the bill yet.

Leslie: Sixty should cover it. Pull three twenties out of your wallet and let’s go.

Sam: Why am I paying?

Leslie: An annoyance surcharge.

At the studio…

Leslie: Okay, everyone to hair and makeup, we have a schedule to keep and Garry’s toast was apparently more important!

Garry: I delayed us two minutes!

Leslie: And that put us in a traffic jam and now we’re fifteen minutes behind!

Frances: The horror!

Leslie: You know how Paul is, he won’t want any delays today.

Paul: How am I?

Leslie: Oh, didn’t see you there!

Paul: Do you see me as a tough boss or something?

Leslie: No, I see you as someone that’s trying to keep things moving at a respectable pace, like a leader would. Have I mentioned what a great leader I think you are?

Paul: No need to kiss up to me, I know the boss isn’t always the most fun to be around. That said, as dramatic as your cast can often be, you are mostly a pleasure to work with. You should see the disasters I have to work with on some other shows.

Frances: Worse than us?

Sam: I find that hard to believe. We are… a lot.

Diane: You are a lot. The rest of us are lovely.

Paul: Okay, no more fights, last week was exhausting for me.

Sam: You barely even had to deal with it. My wife was the one who had to talk me out of it.

Paul: Are we forgetting the arguing that occurred on-camera?

Sam: That was a moment of weakness and I prefer it not be discussed again.

Paul: Very well, I don’t want to distract you all from getting ready for the show, which I assume you’re about to do.

Sam: You’re so right, we are all headed to hair and makeup, we don’t want to delay filming. We love work, we’re such diligent and hard laborers.

Paul: Laying it on a bit thick, I would have believed you if you hadn’t gone overboard.

Sam: Damn. Can’t win ‘em all.

Leslie: Seriously, though. Go get ready.

Charlotte: Some of us show up ready.

Frances: Yes. Those people are not you. Let’s go, Oscar winner, we look like we belong at Walmart.

One hour later…

Leslie: Wow, look at those pretty faces! You’re all lookin’ TV-ready if you ask me!

Sam: And Garry’s here, too!

Leslie: Should we bring in the bakers?

Diane: Yeah! It’ll be nice to get to greet them without so much tension in the room.

Sam: Come on, Diane. This is our show we’re talking about, we’ve always got some tension in the room.

Charlotte: All caused by you.

Leslie: To the stage, please!

Charlotte: With pleasure! I live for the stage.

Sam: We get it, you’re going for the Tony.

Charlotte: The revival of Company, starting rehearsals September 2023 for an October debut!

Frances: If only this show could ever get some Emmy attention, she’d be on the way to the EGOT.

Leslie: Guys. Stage. Now.

Garry: Don’t worry, I got them.

Sam: Don’t touch me.

Frances: You can just feel the love oozing out.

Ten minutes later…

Diane: Welcome back, bakers! It’s so great to see your smiling faces, ready to make us delicious treats!

Sam: There’s nothing I love more than muffins.

Diane: And nothing I love more than cookies.

Sam: That’s why, for Muffin Week, we are asking you to make muffin cookies.

Diane: Your faces suggest you do not know what those are. Few do!

Sam: We want you to make two different deserts: cookies made out of muffin mix, and muffins made from cookie dough. We don’t want you to simply make the same desserts in different shapes, but really recreate the concept of both deserts, by combining what makes each dessert so great.

Diane: And, if you think the idea for this challenge is stupid, please just remember: this was Charlotte’s idea.

Sam: And we all know she’s an actress and not a baker, cut her a bit of slack!

Diane: On your marks, get set, bake!

Two hours later…

Diane: That went surprisingly well, folks! The judges loved your reimagining of two classic desserts, which means only one thing: time to return to tradition.

Sam: For your Judges’ Challenge, Frances is asking you to make her own personal favorite muffin: an iced lemon muffin, straight from her family recipe book.

Diane: Some key preparation instructions have been left out, meaning its up to all of you to figure out how to put this together.

Sam: But remember, it’s simple! Right?

Diane: Good luck, and happy baking!

Thirty minutes later…

Frances: Diane, something looks to be wrong the the gray-haired gentlemen in the corner.

Diane: Do you mean Hank, 61, retired bookkeeper from Wichita, Kansas?

Frances: Uh… I guess?

Diane: We’re given notecards with all the contestants’ names, ages, profession and hometown. I memorize them to make it easier to volley with them.

Frances: Well, he looks like he’s about to volley with the floor.

Leslie: Oh my god, cut! Hank! Are you all right?

Paul: Someone, please call the medics in here.

Garry: This takes “sugar coma” to a new level.

Sam: Not the time, Garry!

Garry: Sorry, inappropriate.

Leslie: Everyone, remain calm. You can continue to bake as we monitor the situation, but you don’t have to if you don’t want. You will not be penalized for it, the clock has been paused.

Charlotte: Something tells me they’re not concerned about that right now.

Diane: Um, this is looking bad, you guys. They’re calling in the paramedics and they have that breathing mask thing on him now.

Charlotte: Yeah, I don’t feel great about the way this is heading.

Frances: I don’t think I’ll be getting my iced lemon muffins today.

Two hours later, at the hospital… 

Leslie: Paul, have there been any updates? Were you able to get into contact with his family?

Paul: I did, but they’re from Kansas, so -

Frances: What, you allergic to talking to Republicans?

Paul: They’re not going to make it out here anytime soon. They have to fly, that’s obviously very time consuming. They did make it so the doctors can release information to me, and I can relay it to them, which is easier for all of us.

Leslie: So what’s going on with his health, then?

Paul: It’s not good. Nothing is definitive, but they don’t expect him to make it. And I signed up to be the one to tell his family that. Lucky me. None of you have to stay here, though. It’s not like you’re family or friends with him.

Leslie: I feel responsible for him.

Paul: You really aren’t. You didn’t cause this, he just had a bad ticker.

Leslie: I know, but he was on my show, on my set, and I feel responsible for his wellbeing. I know he doesn’t know we’re here, but I feel better knowing that he’s not alone. He has someone here rooting for him.

Frances: And she’s my ride.

Melanie: Okay, everyone, I have arrived! I know none of you had lunch, and the show had to stop taping so you did’t even eat dessert and you’ve got to be hungry. I’m here to help.

Frances: Who bugged Melanie with this?

Diane (crying): I did.

Frances: Why are you crying?

Diane: I just… I think about how precious life is, and the fragility of existence. It’s weighing on me.

Sam: She gets like this. You should’ve seen her when Tina Turner died.

Diane: Ah! Don’t mention it.

Sam: And Loretta Lynn.

Charlotte: You’re torturing her.

Sam: I try.

Melanie: Are you guys all okay?

Sam: We didn’t really know the man at all. It’s sad, I hope he gets better, but I’m not nearly as shaken up about it as some others here are.

Diane: How can you be so heartless? He might have died right in front of us!

Sam: That’s life.

Frances: Okay, Sinatra, let’s find a bit of empathy.

Melanie: Anyway, there’s quesadillas and cheeseburgers in this bag if you need anything. I’m going to get back to work.

Leslie: You were working?

Melanie: Yeah! Kinda! I used my break to quick run, I hope no one started a fire at the hotel while I was away.

Leslie: I think you might be a saint.

Melanie: I have been told as much before.

Sam: Wait! Take me with you!

Melanie: Should I -

Frances: Please! It’s like sitting in the waiting room with Debbie Downer.

Melanie: All right, let’s go. Don’t mind the junk in my car, my kid spilled her science fair project all over the car. Tons of broken pieces.

Sam: Not as many broken pieces as there are in Diane’s brain.

Diane: Hey! I’m in pre-mourning!

The next day, on the set…

Frances: Okay, how are we going to tell them?

Sam: We don’t have to tell them.

Leslie: Paul’s shutting down production for two weeks out of respect, I think we have to tell them. They’ll be trapped here two weeks longer now!

Sam: Trapped? They’re on a free vacation, that’s the dream! Think of poor Hank, he can’t enjoy it.

Garry: Hank can’t enjoy much of anything anymore.

Sam: That was morbid!

Garry: You were just saying yesterday it didn’t affect you if he died. Well, he died! You should be fine!

Sam: I don’t make jokes about it, though. You’re sick!

Garry: I’m innocent!

Diane: No one has answered Frances’ question. How do we break this news? It’s just… it’s awful!

Leslie: Well, you’re currently crying, so we’re not going to have you break it. Sam looks very stoic right now, she’s our best choice.

Sam: “So, Hank’s dead, we’re shutting down for a few weeks. See you all then, unless you want to go home, and then we’ll bring Anita back, please don’t make us do that.” Sound good?

Leslie: I’ll break the news.

Frances: They’ll think something’s wrong if you address them.

Charlotte: Something is wrong. A man’s died, Frances.

Frances: I know that! You think I don’t know that? I saw his face as he fell to the ground. He died making my aunt’s famous family recipe. I’m well aware of his downfall.

Garry: Those were pretty good muffins, by the way. I need that recipe.

Diane: Garry! Priorities!

Paul: What are you all doing here? It’s early.

Leslie: We’re strategizing. We skipped breakfast, we were too upset to eat first thing in the morning.

Sam: A decision that was NOT unanimous, I might add.

Leslie: We just don’t know what we’re going to do with this episode, or how we’re going to tell the bakers.

Paul: Well, they’ll be here in like ninety minutes, we have to figure something out. Obviously, filming for the episode is canceled. It’s just a matter of what we do with what we shot. Do you have material to fill a sixty-minute episode?

Leslie: It’ll be tough.

Paul: We can film you telling them the news. Name a Top Baker from what you did get to taste. Maybe we can pad the rest of the runtime out by interviewing the other bakers about Hank when you get back from hiatus. Make it a sort of tribute episode.

Leslie: Isn’t that a little exploitative?

Paul: I’ll ask the family for permission.

Leslie: Okay. Then the only question remaining is how we tell them. It’s hard to drop this.

Paul: Well, first, we tell them a therapist is available to anyone who requires one. This was explained to them off-camera yesterday, but just for TV sake, let the viewers know it was offered. And don’t let Diane speak!

Diane: Hey, that was already decided, you’re treading zero new ground. I’m a wreck, it’s well-established. Ever since the can-

Paul: So you’re all prepared for this, then?

Leslie: I guess.

Charlotte: One thing I’m wonder: what are you doing here so early?

Paul: Same reason you’re here. I’m just kinda bummed. This has never happened before on the sets of any of my shows.

Charlotte: I think it’s the first time most of us saw someone basically die right in front of them.

Diane: Yeah, uh, that therapist you mentioned… she available now?

Paul: I’ll let her know her assistance is needed.

Diane: Thank you, Paul.

Sam: Charlotte’s telling them with me. She’s sort of normal.

Frances: I would have been fine to als-

Sam: You’re not host material.

Frances: Excuse me? I have many years of experience!

Garry: As do I.

Sam: Charlotte, get ready.

Charlotte: I was once floated as a potential Oscars host before they went in another direction. I’m ready for this.

Frances: Who’d they pick over you?

Charlotte: Uh… the hosting duo of James Franco and Anne Hathaway.

Frances: You sure you don’t want me to do this with you, Sam?

Sam: I’m a little less sure now, but I guess.

Two hours later…

Sam: Bakers, we asked you here to share some sad news with you. 

Charlotte: As you all know, your fellow competitor Hank suffered a medical emergency on the set yesterday and was transported to the hospital.

Sam: Sadly, Hank passed away yesterday evening at the hospital. He was a treasured member of the Bake Your Heart Out family, and our hearts go out to those that loved him at home.

Charlotte: For anyone who desires so, you may speak with our on-set therapist, as this is a traumatic moment for all of us.

Sam: Out of respect for Hank, we will cease production on Bake Your Heart Out for two weeks. We will see you all then.

Charlotte: Before you all go, based on your Specialty Challenge yesterday, the judges and I have decided on a Top Baker for the week. That will be Kamala. Congratulations, Kamala, on a marvelous job.

Sam: Everyone else, you are safe. Thank you for cooperation and understanding.

Leslie: Cut!

The cast walks off the set.

Diane: I think I could have done that.

Sam: Wish you would’ve. That sucked.

Leslie: It wasn’t supposed to be fun.

Sam: Let’s just not do that again.

Garry: Well, that means you can’t kill me live on the show.

Sam: I’ll try my hardest not to. No promises.

What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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