Gretchen walks into the kitchen in the morning.
Lucinda: Did you see this?
Gretchen: I just woke up, I can barely see anything. Everything’s a blur to me.
Christina: Maybe you should get that checked. I don’t think that’s normal.
Gretchen: It’s perfectly normal, I googled it.
Lucinda: Snappy’s is closing!
Gretchen: It rings a bell, but I’m not immediately sure why.
Christina: It’s a bar in town. I heard they have great margaritas, not that
Gretchen: Honey, you’re twenty-four. I don’t care if you go to a bar and have margaritas.
Christina: I know, but it still feels weird talking about it with my mother.
Lucinda: You talk about it with your grandmother.
Christina: You’re different. You’re not like over grandmas, you’re a cool grandma.
Lucinda: And don’t you forget it!
Gretchen: Are you saying I’m not cool?
Christina: No, I wouldn’t say that specifically.
Gretchen: Just not as cool as her? She might be the least-cool person I know. She harasses me constantly, for one.
Christina: Don’t you get it? I think that’s awesome!
Anthony: What’s this about Snappy’s closing?
Lucinda: Finally, someone interested in staying on topic!
Anthony: I used to go there with my friends all the time when I was younger. It was like stepping into history.
Gretchen: That’s what I usually say about museums, or the Newport Mansions. Not a bar.
Anthony: It was founded in the 1800s, so it’s seen a lot.
Lucinda: It survived Prohibition, just to get murdered by Gretchen.
Gretchen: Murdered? I did nothing to cause this, surely you can’t seriously blame me.
Lucinda: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.
Gretchen: Good to see we have Leslie Nielsen with us today, back from the grave.
Christina: Who?
Lucinda: You raised this child wrong.
Christina: Wow! Just because I don’t know of one lady named Leslie?
Lucinda: I am going to cry.
Gretchen: I’m still awaiting any sort of explanation as to how this is my fault.
Lucinda: You’re the governor, aren’t you supposed to help struggling businesses?
Gretchen: They typically have to file for a loan application with the federal government, not with the governor.
Lucinda: You were in the federal government. You know people in the federal government. Help them!
Gretchen: It’s really not quite so easy. It’s not like I can just ask US senators to prioritize approving a loan for a bar in Providence. It’s a lengthy process.
Lucinda: Then you just pass a law here giving them money. It’s within your powers.
Gretchen: Have you seen the legislature that I have to work with? I may as well personally pay for the bar out of my own pocket.
Lucinda: That’s another valid option. You’d be seen as a hero!
Anthony: No one could ever expect her to do that.
Christina: Grandma, did you actually read this article?
Lucinda: Of course I did.
Christina: It only says that they’re filing for bankruptcy, not closing. There’s still a chance they can turn things around.
Lucinda: All the more reason for Gretchen to rush to bail them out.
Gretchen: I’ll do what I can, but it’s probably not much. Tying myself too much to a watering hole is probably not politically expedient for me.
Toby: Mom, why are you all fighting? And why is it so late?
Gretchen: Oh, Jesus! Your nonsense kept me from waking Toby up, now I’m going to have to rush him. Imbecile!
Lucinda: I know you are, but what am I?
Gretchen: An imbecilic child!
Toby: So am I going to get breakfast today or no?
Christina: You’re like twenty, can’t you make pancakes yourself?
Gretchen: He’s fifteen, and that is quite an accusation coming from you of all people.
Christina: Excuse me?
Anthony: You’re not exactly a go-getter.
Christina: At least I didn’t kill a beloved local institution like mom did!
Gretchen: You people are exhausting, I’m going somewhere more relaxing: work.
At Gretchen’s office, later that day…
Carol: Gretchen, the state is in crisis.
Gretchen: Did Connecticut finally invade? I knew this would happen one day, this feud with Governor Lanford has gone too far!
Susana: No state has invaded.
Carol: It’s far worse! Sarita, you tell her.
Gretchen: Who on earth is this?
Sarita: I’m your new communications director, Sarita Mishra. Most people call me Massachusetts.
Gretchen: I will not be partaking in that.
Carol: She’s from Massachusetts, you see.
Gretchen: Yeah, I was able to glean that.
Sarita: I met with Carol and Susana over your absence, governor. I’m very happy to be part of the team.
Gretchen: It’s nice to get you. I know nothing about you, but if my top gals were willing to give you the job, I know you’ll do a bang-up job. So, you had a crisis to fill me in on.
Sarita: Providence’s favorite bar, Snappy’s, is going into bankruptcy.
Gretchen: This is the crisis? Carol!
Carol: It’s bad, Gretchen.
Gretchen: What, did you like to go there or something?
Carol: I couldn’t care less about the place one way or the other, but there’s been a ton of public outcry over this. They’re bl-
Gretchen: Blaming me? Shocker! The sun doesn’t rise in the morning, it’s my fault.
Carol: We’re going to have to act on this, people are really up in arms. There’s a petition and everything.
Gretchen: My family already talked with me about this just this morning, and I have the same question for you that I had for them: what am I really supposed to do here?
Carol: Am I supposed to have the answer? Because I thought my role here was to just tell you to find one.
Gretchen: So none of us have any ideas for what I’m supposed to do?
Sarita: What if you try to pass a bailout for the bar?
Susana: Good one, Sarita!
Sarita: What did I say?
Gretchen: Are you aware of you runs the state legislature?
Sarita: Um, Jeanne Rivero and Hank Matthews? I know you and senator Rivero have had your differences, but you’re all respectable leaders, surely you can make something work?
Gretchen: Oh, you sweet summer child.
Sarita: I’m lost.
Carol: Gretchen has an extremely volatile relationship with Jeanne and Hank.
Gretchen: Yes, for example, I want to enact changes to help Rhode Island, and they want to do everything in their power to not do that.
Carol: They’re sort of… centrists.
Gretchen: They’re not centrists. Centrists have policy goals that they want to execute, I can work with them. They’re obstructionists, and relying on them to pass anything is a nonstarter.
Carol: Are you giving up? I thought you were on a mission from God to be a savior?
Gretchen: Don’t use my newfound devout religiosity against me! You think God sent me here to save a bar?
Carol: It’s a person’s livelihood. Many people’s, actually. Just consider it.
Susana: What if, and hear me out here -
Carol: That’s never a good thing to hear you say.
Susana: What if you do an Undercover Boss sort of thing?
Gretchen: Excuse me?
Susana: You go undercover at Snappy’s to try to figure out whether or not it’s worthy of a bailout. If you decide it’s of the best interest of the state to keep it running, you bail it out via executive order.
Gretchen: And you think that would work?
Susana: Is it not worth a shot?
Carol: What if Gretch thinks the place sucks but the public remains outraged we’re letting it shut down?
Susana: We calmly explain to them that we are not, as a government, able to keep every small business afloat.
Carol: People love when the government makes excuses, that surely will stop the calls for lower taxes.
Susana: You think that keeping a bar open would stop Republicans from calling for lower taxes?
Carol: Good point.
Gretchen: I must admit, spending time hunkered down at a bar does sound preferable to my current working environment.
Susana: So you’re going to try it?
Gretchen: Why not? It would be nice to actually get some good press for once.
Sarita: I’m confused. Why not just sign the executive order without going through this undercover stuff? And why did no one think of executive orders before? This just feels like a whole lot of unnecessary steps when an easy solution is right in front of us.
Gretchen: I get accused of overreach any time I sign an executive order, and Jeanne and Hank always try to challenge my orders. If I’m going to put myself through that, it has to be for something I’m passionate about. So I have to make sure Snappy’s is worth saving.
Sarita: But why the disguises?
Susana: They’d obviously be on their best behavior if they saw the governor walk in. We have to make sure their good behavior is genuine.
Gretchen: I’m not sure they would be, people don’t like me.
Carol: This feels like an idiot’s idea of a good plan.
Gretchen: I think it’s brilliant, but then again, my mother would also say that I’m an idiot.
Carol: Regardless of my thoughts on this, I’m not letting you go at it alone. I’m going with you. We’ll say we’re sisters or lesbians or something like that.
Susana: Happy Pride!
Gretchen: You’ll have to commit to the bit, we might have to kiss.
Carol: We’ll just say we’re married lesbians, then they won’t be expecting any kissing.
Gretchen: Perfect!
Susana: I suppose we should get some disguises together.
Gretchen: I already have the perfect alter ego: Svetlana Stefanova, a former Russian gymnast who immigrated here in 1988 after her coach dumped her due to a poor showing at the Russian national gymnastics championships.
Carol: You’ve put a lot of thought into this, haven’t you? Were you previously planning to run away and start a new life previously? Or is this some sort of horrific Cold War role-play you and Tony do?
Gretchen: It’s always good to have an alter ego in mind, just in case one is ever needed.
Carol: Yes, we’ve all got one, because we’re all ready to take on a new identity in a flash like we’re Keri Russell in the Americans. Can you even do a Russian accent?
Gretchen (in terrible Russian accent): Babushka!
Susana: You sound like Kate Bush.
Gretchen: I do not!
Susana: She has a song called Babooshka, she pronounces it just like that. You know what the problem is there?
Gretchen: I have a feeling you’re about to tell me.
Susana: Kate Bush is British!
Gretchen: Okay, I won’t be Svetlana, you can crush my dreams. I’ll be someone with a boring name, like Sarah. Sarah Hightower, drama teacher and former aspiring actress.
Susana: I don’t really think you need a fully-developed backstory, just, like, a first name.
Carol: I’m gonna be Midge.
Susana: Midge?
Carol: Yeah, like Mrs. Maisel.
Susana: so, Sarah Hightower and Midge Maisel.
Carol No! My name isn’t Maisel, that’s just where I got the name inspiration for.
Sarita: Yeah, this is gonna go well.
Gretchen: You don’t know us nearly well enough to be able to tell if we’ll pull this off! I assure you, we’re smarter than we look!
Susana: We’ll be seeing them on the nightly news tonight.
Gretchen: We won’t even be going today, we have to get costumes first. With that in mind, let’s get to work on something else today, perhaps something productive.
Susana: Here’s something major: The house just passed a bill to change our state bird to the horned lark. Thoughts?
Gretchen: What do I look like, the Audubon Society?
The next day…
Susana: All right, let’s see those costumes!
Gretchen: I look like an idiot!
Susana: You look great!
Gretchen: Is this nose offensive to Jewish people?
Sarita: Just don’t identify your persona as Jewish and you’ll be fine, I think. At least, I think you will be. Can’t be anti-semitic without it being semitic to start with.
Gretchen: Glad we’ve solved that. I guess we’ll be off, then, we have drinking to do!
Susana: Hey mom!
Carol: Yes!
Susana: Don’t come home a-drinkin’ with legislating on your mind!
Carol: Okay Loretta, I don’t much care for drafting bills anyhow.
Samantha: Wow, what is going on in here? Did Halloween come without me knowing?
Gretchen: Governor Pratt, good to see you again!
Samantha: You don’t have to ream me out for that again, it was a little delusional fantasy, nothing insidious. Why are you dressed like that, though? You look like Little Orphan Annie.
Gretchen: It’s none of your business, just don’t take over my office while I am gone.
Samantha: Wouldn’t dream of it!
Gretchen: Not today, at least. Too scared of me now.
Samantha: I’m not afraid of anyone with such a ridiculous prosthetic nose. You look like Miss Piggy.
Gretchen: Miss Piggy, Little Orphan Annie, I don’t know, I sound kinda like a style icon.
Samantha: Yeah, sure, we’ll go with that.
Later, at Snappy’s…
Gretchen: Hey, who’s the owner of this here establishment?
Man: Ah, that’d be me! Marty McCann, general manager and owner of Snappy’s.
Gretchen: I just wanted to say that I noticed the Pride flag in your window and wanted to thank you for that. You see, my sister is a lesbian, and they’re not so accepting of her kind back home.
Carol: Ah, yes, women. Love ‘em!
Marty: It’s a shame it’s 2023 and we’ve still got bigots. You seem like a couple of fun southern belles, where you from?
Gretchen: Alabammer. It’s not for everyone, but it’s for us. I’m Sarah, that’s my sister Midgorie.
Carol: It’s just Midge, she likes to tease me.
Marty: Well, ladies, what can I get you?
Gretchen: I’ll have a Fireball.
Marty: Oh, strong stomach on you.
Carol: She likes her drinks to taste like floss. I will take a strawberry daiquiri.
Marty: Two great choices, coming right up!
Gretchen: Thank you!
Carol (whispering): I’m liking it here so far, seems very progressive. Not sure why you decided I was a lesbian, but now my performance feels a little problematic. On the plus side, he hasn’t made a single comment about that schnoz of yours, which show genuine kindness, as that nose is larger than the Titanic.
Gretchen (whispering): Just keep cool, we haven’t seen anything yet.
Two hours later…
Gretchen (singing): ‘Cause I’ve got friends in low places
Carol (singing): Where the whiskey downs and the beer chases my blues away
Gretchen (singing): And I’ll be OK!
Carol: Thank you everyone! We know we’re terrible, so we appreciate the warm response.
Marty: Oh, come on, you were much better than most of our regulars.
Woman: That is not true, I have the voice of an angel!
Marty: Oh, Tina, no you don’t. I announce you as coming to the stage, people think they’re getting Tina Turner, they get a Tina Fey comedy performance.
Tina: People love it when I sing The Rose.
Marty: Bette Midler sent us a cease and desist. That’s besides the point, though, who wants to buy drinks for our new friends? It’s tradition, you sing for the first time, we buy you a drink. We know you’ll need it to wash down the memories.
Carol: That’s a very nice tradition, and I will have -
Gretchen: Midge, we can’t get too drunk, we still have to walk back to the hotel. Could the free drink roll over to tomorrow?
Marty: I don’t see why not.
Gretchen: Well, then, we’ll be back. See you tomorrow!
Four days later…
Sarita: Are you guys really going again? It takes that long to decide on whether a bar deserves a bailout?
Gretchen: We really just gotta be sure they’ve earned it.
Carol: Yup, takes time. Lots of time.
Sarita: As the communications director -
Gretchen: Why bring politics into something so pure and good?
Sarita: We have to hurry and make a decision. The public is still outraged, now more than ever due to our lack of acknowledgment of the situation.
Gretchen: We’ll make our finally judgment today.
Susana: Could I come with?
Gretchen: We have our rapport worked out, you’d probably just mess it up by throwing off the balance.
Susana: The balance? You’re pretending to be bar hounds, you aren’t Meryl Streep delivering an Oscar-nominated performance.
Gretchen: You’d be shocked by how good we are.
Susana: Okay, all right, just have fun, I guess.
At Snappy’s…
Marty: Ah, look who’s back again! Sarah, the regular?
Gretchen: Oh, Marty.
Marty: What’s wrong?
Gretchen: This our last day here in Providence. Back to the farm in Alabama tomorrow.
Marty: You hear that, gang? Sarah and Midge are heading back down south tomorrow, this is the last time we’ll be seeing ‘em! One more round for them on us, huh?
Carol: We’re really gonna miss this place.
Tina: We all are.
Carol: What do you mean?
Tina: Snappy’s is going into bankruptcy, it’s not going to be around much longer.
Marty: Tina, don’t concern them with that.
Tina: It’s just disappointing.
Gretchen: That’s terrible. This place is amazing. You’ve made us feel like part of the family
Marty: We all feel like a family here. It was my dad’s bar, and he made everyone feel like part of his family. When it was passed down to me, I knew I had to do the same. I’m gonna miss it like crazy. This place is my heart.
Gretchen: Isn’t there anyone that can help?
Marty: It’s really hard to get a loan big enough to keep it going. The profits just aren’t there anymore and no bank wants to go into business with us after all of our troubles.
Tina: The troubles are because Marty is too forgiving. If he charged everyone like a real businessman…
Marty: Then they’re not family. Family isn’t pushy.
Gretchen: You haven’t met my family!
Marty: Enough dwelling on this, this is your last day, let’s keep the mood up. Darts?
Carol: Oh, I’d love to throw some!
The next day…
Gretchen: Okay, girls. We’re bailing them out. Some really faulty business decisions there, but that place is a home for so many people. I can’t let it just shut down.
Susana: I had a feeling you’d grown attached. That’s why I already wrote out the order, you just have to sign it.
Carol: My daughter is so wise!
Gretchen: I’m sure Jeanne and Ha-
Hank: Are you kidding me, Raymond?
Gretchen: Speak of the devil!
Jeanne: An executive order to save some bar? Are you kidding me?
Gretchen: How did you possibly know?
Jeanne: Someone left a copy of the order in the printer.
Carol: Maybe she’s not quite as wise as I thought, but she’s not so dumb, either. Solidly middle of the pack.
Jeanne: What makes you think it’s okay to sign an executive order to help out any random business that needs help? That’s not in your purview.
Gretchen: I think if you wanted to be the arbiter of what is and is not in the purview of the governor, you should have won the last election. Goodbye, Jeanne.
Hank: Wow, she got you!
Gretchen: You, too, Hank. Goodbye.
Hank: I didn’t say anyt-
Gretchen: Susana, bring me the order, let me sign it before the Gruesome Twosome burn it telekinetically.
Later that day…
Gretchen: Hey, are you the owner of this place?
Marty: Yes, I am. You need a drink?
Gretchen: Uh, no thank you. I’m on the job. I’m Governor Gretchen Raymond.
Marty: Oh! Welcome, governor. Didn’t recognize you.
Gretchen: Somehow, I recognized you.
Marty: Have you been here before?
Gretchen: Maybe in a past life. I’m just here to let you know that I signed an executive order to bail out your bar. We will be sending you a two hundred thousand dollar stimulus to keep it running. It’s toon valuable for the community to shut down.
Marty: Oh my god, Governor Raymond, this is so generous of you! I can’t help but wonder, though, have I met you somewhere before? You look like someone I know.
Gretchen: I just have one of those faces.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
