Raymond Island Season 4 Episode 9 - Rumours

Raymond Island Season 4, Episode 9

Samantha knocks on the door of Gretchen’s office.

Susana: Ugh, should we let her in?

Samantha: I can hear you!

Carol: I say we just pretend not to be home.

Samantha: I heard that, too!

Carol: Fine, come in. But you have to be on your best behavior!

Samantha: When am I ever not?

Carol: About ninety-five percent of the time.

Gretchen: What is she doing in here? Am I going to have to call security?

Samantha: For what, to remove the lieutenant governor from the building she works in?

Gretchen: You don’t work in here, and I’d prefer it if you also didn’t visit here, either.

Samantha: You really don’t want to hear this juicy gossip that I have? Not even a little of it?

Gretchen: What is “juicy” to you?

Samantha: Is the door locked?

Susana: We don’t make a habit of locking our guests in.

Samantha: I don’t want anyone storming in for this, so let’s keep it secure.

Carol: My god, are you about to give us the nuclear launch codes?

Samantha: Even better, I have capitol gossip.

Gretchen: If this is about how the cafeteria isn’t going to serve dino nuggets anymore because Jeanne complained about them, I’m already fully aware, and I’ve filed a request to overturn the decision.

Samantha: What? Who would care about that?

Carol: Dino nuggets bring great joy to some of us. Those of us who aren’t frozen and dead inside.

Samantha: Can you all stop interrupting me so I can just tell you?

Gretchen: The floor is yours.

Samantha: All right, so, Hank is apparently going through a lot of family troubles right now -

Gretchen: Let’s just say that I am more than aware.

Samantha: Would you let me finish?

Gretchen: So commentary isn’t allowed?

Samantha: Those troubles are taking up too much of Hank’s time and he’s decided that he can’t properly do his job as speaker, so he is resigning and handing over the reigns to someone else.

Gretchen: You’re kidding?!?

Samantha: Not kidding!

Gretchen: Hank told you this?

Susana: This would be such a breach of trust if he told you this in confidence. Not that I care, I hate the guy.

Samantha: He didn’t tell me anything, this is just what the staffers have been saying. It’s really spreading like wildfire.

Gretchen: Well how come I didn’t hear it before now?

Samantha: No staff gossip ever works its way back to you. I don’t think they’re terribly fond of you here.

Gretchen: I’ve noticed.

Carol: It’s not personal, I’m sure. You’re just a very intimidating person, they’ve never gotten a chance to know you.

Samantha: Oh, it’s personal.

Gretchen: Was insulting me your goal today or is that just a fun bonus for you?

Samantha: No, I came to keep you informed, because I’m nice. It’s not my fault you can’t take a joke!

Gretchen: It didn’t seem like a joke, but you do make a good point, we have to circle back to Hank. He’s really going, huh?

Samantha: My sources are never wrong. Hank Matthews will be out as Speaker by the end of the month. With that, I leave you to contemplate.

Samantha leaves the office.

Gretchen: Okay, so -

Susana: Are we really supposed to believe Samantha Pratt?

Gretchen: She’s been somewhat better as of late. She doesn’t seem to actively be trying to destroy my life anymore. Maybe she is telling the truth.

Susana: Or maybe she’s been lulling you into a false sense of security just to pull one over on you.

Gretchen: You have serious trust issues.

Carol: I taught her well!

Susana: How about this: I’ll go talk to some representatives that’ve helped us out in the past and ask them if there’s any legitimacy to these rumors. I’m asking on behalf of the governor, so hopefully they’ll spill. Contrary to what most people around here seem to believe, you have a right to know what’s going on in this government of which you’re the head.

Gretchen: Oh my god!

Susana: What, you hate the plan that much?

Gretchen: No, I’m just shocked that one of us actually has something to do. That doesn’t happen.

Susana: So you think it’s a good plan?

Gretchen: If it gives you peace of mind, yeah. You go do that while your mom an I contemplate what we’re going to do with the information.

Susana: Okay, Susana P.I. is on the case!

Two hours later…

Susana: All right, you two! I have a verdict.

Carol: On what?

Gretchen: We got a little distracted by lunch, don’t mind us.

Susana: Hank is stepping down. Of the three reps who both were willing to talk to me and had actual inside knowledge that wasn’t sourced by Pratt, all said that Hank is stepping down and House Dems are having a leadership election at the end of May.

Gretchen: It’s truly the end of an error.

Carol: All it took to get him off our backs was a little D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Gretch, you should have told his wife about his affair years ago.

Gretchen: He isn’t getting a divorce yet, Tammy Wynette. The marriage is just on the rocks, maybe she’ll be dumb enough to take him back.

Carol: Either way, the end of marital bliss has proven fruitful for us. Have we considered trying to make it happen for Jeanne?

Susana: What, exactly, are we going to do now that Hank is gone?

Carol: You mean, like, how will we go on without him? It’s going to be hard, he is irreplaceable.

Susana: I obviously don’t mean that, I hate the guy. I mean how are we going to take advantage of his departure?

Gretchen: Well, that’s what your mom and I were just talking about while you were gone.

Carol: We think we’re going to endorse someone for the job that we think will work with us ion the agenda. Not publicly, because we don’t want any public rifts. No one needs to see how the sausage gets made. We just do it in private, go to members of the House and ask them to back our preferred candidate.

Susana: Do you have any idea who you want to support?

Carol: Honey, I barely remember my own name, you think I know the names of the animals we have in the state house? Those people are all circus attractions if you ask me.

Gretchen: Susana, would you mind preparing a list of house allies with some seniority that could make good speaker candidates? I want to start whittling down the list of people to talk to about it.

Susana: Wow, we sure are busy today.

Gretchen: Yeah, meddling in leadership elections is hard work!

Carol: Far harder than I signed up for. Four and a half years of doing nothing all day didn’t prepare me for this vigorous work.

Later that night, when Gretchen returns home…

Christina: Look at mom with a pep in her step! Good day at work or something?

Lucinda: The only people I’ve ever seen who looked the happy were excited about their affair.

Mary: Mother, are you accusing Gretchen of having an affair? Little miss high-and-mighty?

Eddie: That just doesn’t feel like her style. She’s more the type to tattle on people having affairs.

Gretchen: I’ll have you know that I am currently aware of an extremely juice affair that I have kept to myself thus far. Also, what the hell are you two doing here?
Mary: Visiting our family, duh. Is that a problem?

Gretchen: Well, I was having a very good day, so I just wanted to keep on riding that high. This is a minor hindrance to that plan.

Eddie: Oh, so we bring your mood down?

Gretchen: You are both a lot of work. I’m sorry to say it, but it’s true. I do love you both, but I don’t think you’re going to “get” why I’m so excited, so I fear you’ll drag down my excitement about it.

Anthony: Don’t worry about them, just tell us about your good day. I’ll appreciate it. Unless your mom is right about the affair.

Lucinda: See! Even he has his doubts, you are never this happy!

Anthony: I was kidding.

Lucinda: Within every joke is a modicum of truth.

Gretchen: After four long, looooong years of being a constant thorn in my side and blocking every aspect of my agenda, Hank is finally stepping down as Speaker, effective at the end of the month.

Christina: So, in less than two weeks?

Gretchen: Yep.

Christina: I got yelled at when I quit that ice cream stand with less than two weeks’ notice, you better yell at Hank.

Gretchen: You were yelled at because it was your first day of work at that ice cream stand.

Christina: You should have seen the things they made me do! My hands were sore from having to wash them so much, something about “sanitation.”

Gretchen: Is that the only thing we’re all taking from this?

Toby: Is Hank the guy you’re always complaining about? I usually tune that out.

Gretchen: I am not always complaining about him! But, yes, that’s him.

Lucinda: I, for one, am horrified to see you celebrating the ouster of the only statewide that’s a person of color. Have you no shame?

Gretchen: Mother, why must you toll me?

Lucinda: It’s fun!

Eddie: I have no idea who this man is, why are you so happy he’s leaving?

Gretchen: See, this is what I was talking about. They can’t celebrate this news like we can, and it weighs down the mood.

Mary: I know who he is!

Gretchen: This is the problem with being a politician and having siblings that are fully checked out of politics, it’s so hard to ever relate to them.

Mary: Hey, dingus, I know who Hank is! I’m always complaining about him on Facebook for not being progressive enough because he’s mean to my big sister.

Gretchen: Oh, you do? Well then you should be excited by this news!

Mary: I am, I would’ve told you that if you’d just let me say anything.

Eddie: And I’m excited because I’m scared you’ll complain if I don’t say I’m excited.

Gretchen: You know me so well!

Christina: Isn’t Jeanne still going to block things even without Hank running the house?

Gretchen: There’s going to be a lot more public pressure on her to pass things that have already passed the house. People will wonder why the senate is constantly blocking bills that the other chamber passed when the same party has a supermajority in both chambers.

Lucinda: Will she actually care, though?

Gretchen: I don’t know, but we have a lot more hope than we’ve had in a long time. We need someone that’ll hold her feet to the fire rather than enable her.

Anthony: Unlike a certain someone, I won’t look for negatives and try to bring you down, because I believe in you.

Lucinda: You are implying things about me that I’m not comfortable with! I never said I don’t believe in her, just that I have no confidence in Jeanne, who is basically a Republican with her levels of obstruction.

Eddie: Can we talk about, like, anything else? We didn’t come here to -

Gretchen: There you go again. Always a Debbie Downer.

Eddie: I said nothing negative! I just wanted to change subject because I didn’t want to only talk about politics during our rare family bonding time. Is that so wrong?

Gretchen: I think it’s time for you to go.

Eddie: Oh my god!

Mary: Not cool, man,.

Eddie: You’re all joking, right? Am I on PUNK’d?

Christina: On what? Is that in English?

Eddie: Ah, today is not my day.

Gretchen: That’s right, it’s mine! It’s the best day I’ve had all year!

The next day…

Susana: Okay, gov, I spent all day yesterday looking into potential candidates. Here are your three best bets.

Gretchen: I really appreciate the work, thank you. Schedule meetings with all of them.

Susana: You don’t even want to read the papers I prepared?

Gretchen: I trust you found good candidates. Now I just need to interview them and pick which horse I’ll back.

Carol: Are you sure we’ll have enough votes to get our pick elected? A lot of the legislature is stubbornly set against you.

Gretchen: We’re going to try. There’s really only a small block of like ten members of the Democratic caucus in the house that are staunchly opposed to my leadership. Everyone else is a gettable vote.

Carol: If you’re confident, then I won’t worry about it, either.

Susana: Just between us, you’re leaning towards Meyersen, right?

Gretchen: She’s the first name that came to mind for me, yeah.

Susana: I’ll get her in first.

Gretchen: I don’t know what I’d do without you!

Carol: You’d still have me!

Susana: As she was saying…

Later that day…

Hank: Well, well, well.

Gretchen: Oh look, Beverley Leslie from Will & Grace has arrived.

Hank: It’s a common saying, Raymond!

Gretchen: Are you here to block something else of mine? You gonna stop my lunch delivery?

Hank: I’ve heard what you’re doing. It’s ill-advised, to say the least.

Gretchen: I’m the governor, I have a right to play kingmaker if I so desire, particularly after so many years of you and Jeanne thinking you’re the kingmakers around here. That era is over.

Hank: You’re only making this situation worse by throwing gasoline on the fire.

Gretchen: You’re stepping down, I don’t think you get much of a say around here anymore.

Hank: That’s the thing. I’m not stepping down.

Gretchen: Excuse me?

Hank: One of my staffers spread that rumor after I fired them, as a twisted sort of revenge. I’m not sure why they thought that would hurt me, but that’s the route they went. A lot of people fell for it, but you’re the only one who I saw scheming because of it. Well, you and Meyersen.

Gretchen: I don’t know what you really want me to say here. You want me to apologize? Again, trying to help elect a new speaker is a totally acceptable thing for me to do.

Hank: Your eagerness to step in and find someone to replace me is exactly the problem with you. Why would I want to work with someone who was just waiting with bated breath for me to go so they could install an ally?

Gretchen: What are you saying here? You’re going to get revenge on me?

Hank: That’s exactly what I’m saying. I’m not going to help you pass a single thing. You’re going to look so inept, people will be begging for your resignation, protesting you in the street.

Gretchen: You want to tank the economy of the state just to get revenge on me?

Hank: If that’s what it takes to get rid of you, yeah.

Gretchen: You’re a child.

Hank: A child who holds your political future in his hands, and also the future of your allies. Meyersen is off all of her committees, effective immediately. You lose this time, Raymond. I’m sure you’re used to it by now.

Gretchen: This means war, I guess.

Hank: I’d wish you luck, but you wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Gretchen: Screw you, get out of my office.

Carol and Susana walk through the door as Hank storms out.

Susana: What was that about?

Carol: He see himself in the mirror and need to rush off to throw up?

Gretchen: No, girls. He’s not stepping down as speaker. It was a false rumor spread by a disgruntled employee. He also knows I was trying to pick a new speaker. Our lives are about to get a lot more difficult around here.

Carol: Why am I not surprised?

Susana: Hank’s always been a pain in the ass who doesn’t let us get anything done, I doubt much of anything will change.

Carol: He might scowl at us in the hallway now. He has a scary scowl.

Susana: We can live with that. 

Gretchen: House speakers can’t override executive orders, can they?

Carol: I’m sure he’ll find a way.

What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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