Bake Your Heart Out Season 5 Episode 1 - Back in the Saddle

Bake Your Heart Out Season 5, Episode 1
Back in the Saddle

Diane walks out of her house and towards Sam’s car.

Sam: Wow, look who’s out on time! It’s a miracle!

Diane: It’s my Pride Month gift to you!

Sam: How generous.

Diane: It is, we don’t have to run through the airport today!

Sam: How many decades of travel with you and only now are you learning timeliness? It’s almost miraculous what has happened.

Diane: Cancer changed me. I realized the value of time and why you should never waste it.

Sam: We’ve traveled multiple times since you went into remission, what changed this time?

Diane: A lack of gastrointestinal issues.

Sam: Now that I’m throughly grossed out -

Diane: Everybody poops, Sam!

Sam: Please stop.

Diane: Oh, don’t be a prude! That’s my job!

Sam: All right, enough chitchat, let’s get to the airport. I want to beat Leslie there.

Diane: Does it really matter? We’re all going to the same place in the end.

Sam: Of course it matters! Leslie always boasts about being the first one there, time to flip the script.

Diane: If we do beat her there, I better not have to hear about it the entire time we’re in Rhode Island.

Sam: You won’t. I’ll behave.

Diane: Promise?

Sam: I promise.

Diane: Okay, then let’s get to LAX. I can’t wait to drive around looking for parking spots for seven hours because you won’t do valet.

Sam: I’m not letting a stranger drive my car! And I’m certainly not letting a stranger be the last one to drive my car before I leave for three months. You think I’m crazy?

Diane: I will refrain from answering that because I value our friendship

Sam: I do find it mildly touching that I have a friend who loves me enough to not mock my insanity to my face. You care bout my feelings.

Diane: To a fault.

At the airport…

Leslie: I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something. Did I leave something at the house?

Sam: Your ability to brag about being the first one here?

Leslie: You beat me by ten minutes, we better not have to hear about it until the end of time.

Diane: She promised me she won’t dwell on it.

Charlotte: And you believed her? Why?

Diane: She seemed to be telling the truth.

Sam: And I was. It was just a one-time dig. I do those a lot.

Leslie: We’re well aware. It’s your charm.

Frances: Can you guys believe it’s already time to go back to Rhode Island? I feel like we just wrapped the last season.

Sam: They say time flies when you’re away from Garry.

Leslie: Speaking of which, where is he? We’re going to be late if he doesn’t hurry up.

Diane: There’s always a straggler, always someone pokey leaving us waiting.

Leslie: Yes, and usually that’s you and Sam!

Diane: Not every time!

Charlotte: We have three hours until the flight leaves, I think we’ll be just fine.

Sam: We’d be even more fine if we left without him and then also fired him from the show.

Leslie: Dream on, Towering Inferno.

Sam: Very clever! No one’s ever told me I’m tall before!

Garry: Guys! Wait up!

Sam: Dammit, too late now.

Carly: “Someone” knew a “shortcut” that was going to get us here early.

Garry: How was I supposed to know that everyone else in Los Angeles County also knew that same shortcut?

Carly: I would’ve hoped you had a bit more foresight than that.

Sam: Careful, that’s a big word for him.

Leslie: Are we going to get on this plane to Providence or what?

Charlotte: Not for another three hours we’re not. Why did we agree to meet so early?

Leslie: Ask Diane.

Diane: So I’m the reason we’re late any other time and the reason we’re too early this time? Nuh-uh. You get to pick one complaint, not both.

Sam: It’s called overcompensation and it’s a very real issue.

Diane: Can we talk about something other than when we arrived at the airport? This is tedious.

Charlotte: Exactly! How was everyone’s time off? We haven’t seen each other since the last season wrapped filming in February.

Frances: A whole four months, wow.

Diane: We’ve seen each other. Don’t you remember Garry’s birthday pa- oh, right…

Charlotte: Oh right what?

Diane: You weren’t invited, you’re a troublemaker.

Charlotte: What? Garry, is this true?

Diane: You should’ve seen your face! It’s good to be back!

Charlotte: Since when does Diane lie and play pranks?

Diane: Cancer changes a person.

Charlotte: Is it back?

Diane: No!

Charlotte: Then you’ve been in remission for over a year, I don’t think cancer takes a yearn after recovery to change a person. This is something else.

Sam: A three-quarters life crisis?

Diane: You think I’ll make it to eighty-nine?

Sam: You’re not gonna make it to sixty-eight if you keep it up.

Garry: Sixty-eight? I never realized Diane was so much o-

Carly: Don’t say another word, I don’t want to become a widow today.

Sam: Why not?

Carly: Because living with Garry is still better than living alone.

Sam: Not sure I’d agree.

Garry: You would kill to get the honor of living with me.

Sam: Yes, I would kill for that. Kill myself, that is.

Charlotte: So, March. What a month! Anyone care to share?

Sam: I had a lovely Shamrock Shake that month.

Leslie: Let’s just get through security and to the terminal. Maybe people will be more willing to speak once we’re through the stressful part.

Sam: The stressful part is cramming ourselves into tiny seats on the flying tin can of death in the sky. Security is no problem, I’m not a terrorist.

Charlotte: Let’s not say the word “terrorist” in an airport.

Sam: You just said it again!

Charlotte: Just to inform you not to say it. I’m doing my civic duty.

Sam: Are you even a citizen?

Charlotte: Of course!

Sam: Are you telling the truth or just trying to shut me up?

Charlotte: I wouldn’t still be in the country if I weren’t a citizen, I came here over twenty years ago.

Sam: And you still talk like that? Why?

Charlotte: Because I’m British, and that’s how we talk.

Sam: That’s a shame.

Diane: Didn’t you guys miss this?

Garry: Can’t say I did.

Ninety minutes later…

Diane: We made it!

Frances: Is this what it feels like to climb Everest?

Sam: No. They don’t take nearly as much with them when they climb Everest. You have half the city of Los Angeles on your back.

Frances: You and your exaggerations.

Frances falls over.

Frances: I’m fine! The weight of my backpack just pulled me backwards!

Sam: She’s got so much on her back, she’s tipping over like a cow in a field!

Garry: Do you need help?

Carly: Of course you’re right there to offer a hand.

Garry: You’re supposed to help your friends, no?

Carly: Let Diane do it.

Diane: I’m sensing some weird energy in here right now.

Garry: She thinks I’m in love with Frances.

Frances: Ha! You’re kidding!

Garry: Isn’t it nuts?

Sam: Eh.

Leslie: Look who’s back on her feet! We’re so proud of you!

Sam: It was like watching a turtle on its back.

Diane: Yeah, why didn’t you just use a carry on with wheels?

Frances: We don’t need to talk about it.

Charlotte: Can we please talk about something? We haven’t seen each other in months and none of us are opening up about how we spent our off time. It feels like we’re drifting apart.

Sam: You know, LAX isn’t known for being an intimate venue for conversation. Forgive us for not turning it into the set of Oprah.

Leslie: We have nothing better to do while we wait, we might as well talk.

Charlotte: So, I’ll ask again, what did we all do?

Diane: We all know what you did, Ms. SNL Host!

Charlotte: That was just a week, nothing big.

Diane: You hosted the most iconic show in the country, of course it’s a big deal!

Charlotte: It’s not nearly as big as your book tour!

Sam: Here she is whining about know knowing what we did, she’s been keeping tabs on us the whole time.

Charlotte: You’re my friends, I see your Instagram posts.

Sam: I have someone else manage that, I think the whole social media thing is ridiculous.

Diane: So anyway, my book tour! It’s been very exciting, I’ve gotten to connect with my fans across the world in new ways and really share my story. Maybe that’s what’s changed me, I can finally see the proof in front of my face of just how loved I am.

Sam: You say that like you didn’t get that validation from me. I’m so supportive.

Diane: You’re about as supportive as an old bra. One where the elastic bands are falling apart.

Sam: That’s the best kind of bra, nice and comfy.

Charlotte: I’m glad you got to experience that, Diane. It’s so nice to get to interact with your fans, much better than spending your days hanging with a bunch of snooty actors.

Sam: Oh, that sounds terrible.

Charlotte: I understand that was sarcasm, but I should clarify that I’m so lucky to have my job and that I get to act for a living. However, sometimes it’s nice to reconnect with the real world.

Sam: We’re at an airport, no better place to do it than here. Maybe you could take that mask off your face and get to connecting!

Charlotte: Are you kidding? This place is a germ factory! This is staying on.

Sam: That reminds me of a time I did a comedy show with Howie Mandel. It was during the hiatus, actually. Nice guy, really bald though.

Leslie: We’ve noticed.

Charlotte: What else did you do over break?

Sam: I spent time in New York with Nicolle. Still a cesspool, but at least I got to spend time with my lady.

Diane: Is she ever going to move back?

Sam: I’m not sure. I want her to, but I don’t know if she wants that.

Charlotte: See, this is the emotional reconnecting I was hoping for!

Sam: Yeah, this is great.

Garry: Well, we mov-

Frances: Anyone want a pretzel? I’m going to get pretzels.

Diane: I would love a pretzel!

Frances: Okay, two pretzels. Anyone want to make it three?

Garry: I guess no one cares?

Carly: That much has always been obvious, honey.

Later that day, on the plane…

Diane: Sam, did you feel that?

Sam: Feel what?

Diane: Do you have earplugs in?

Sam: No, I have AirPods in, I’m trying to watch the last season of Ted Lasso. Been watching ever since the plane took off, still somehow only on the first episode.

Diane: I felt a bump.

Sam: Well, you know cancer does come back somet-

Diane: Not on me! A bump in the air!

Sam: A bump in the air? The air has cancer?

Diane: Not cancer! The plane is hitting turbulence.

Sam: Why didn’t you just say that then?

Leslie: Shh! I’m reading!

Diane: I need pills.

Sam: Don’t we all?

Diane: My anxiety pills for flying.

Sam: Are alcoholics allowed to take those?

Diane: I am not an alcoholic!

Sam: The first step to getting help is admitting that there’s a problem.

Diane: The problem is nonexistent.

Sam: You’ll thank me one day for pushing you in the right direction.

Diane: Oh my god, just hand me my purse.

Sam: Are your drugs in there?

Charlotte: Sam! She’s having an anxiety attack, just give her the medicine.

Sam: Fine.

Charlotte: I feel like I’m traveling with children.

Frances: You are.

Sam: Diane, why don’t you listen to some music? Nothing brings you more joy than the sad songs of Olivia Rodrigo.

Diane: I can’t listen to her right now, it just reminds me of excited I am for her new music and how that’s still weeks away and how I need to survive this plane ride in order to hear it. It makes the anxiety worse.

Sam: Olivia Rodrigo gives you anxiety?

Frances: Doesn’t she give us all anxiety? I almost had to be institutionalized when I went online to buy her concert tickets for Diane for Christmas.

Sam: And then she had them already because I am an angel on earth.

Diane: I got to see her twice! Had to fly to Missouri to see the second show, because that’s where Frances got the tickets for some reason, but I saw her twice!

Sam: She was the oldest person in the room by fifty years. Both times.

Leslie: I’m still trying to read. You are all so rude. I wish you’d nap like Garry is.

Garry: Oh, I’m not napping.

Leslie: So you’re just sitting there in silence with your eyes closed?

Garry: Yes. It calms me.

Carly: He does it a lot.

Sam: What a freak.

Diane: Oh my god! It happened again!

Sam: The bump?

Charlotte: I felt it, too. Can’t say I felt too great about it.

Sam: It’s just a little turbulence, this is standard plane stuff. They probably just hit a bird or something.

Diane: First of all, as an animal rights activist, that’s not nothing. Second, a goose is what caused Sully to have to do the Miracle on the Hudson.

Sam: Trust me, nothing involving swimming in the Hudson can ever be described as a “miracle.”

Captain: Hello, this is your captain speaking.

Diane: Oh god, we’re going down! Give me those pills!

Sam: You still need them if we’re going down?

Diane: I don’t want to feel anything if we really are about to crash. In fact, let me put some music on, let Olivia be the last thing I ever hear.

Sam: Can you just listen to the man speak? I think it would be bumpier if we were about to crash.

Diane: What if he’s not the captain? What if pirates hijacked the plane and this is a Captain Phillips situation?

Sam: Stop!

Captain: I’m sorry to tell you all -

Diane: And there we go. We’re goners!

Captain: that we are experiencing some difficulties that are prompted by a storm. We will be making an emergency landing at Chicago O’Hare Airport. Alternative flights to Providence will be provided for all of you as soon as it is safe to fly.

Sam: I wish we’d just crashed.

The next day…

Melanie: And here they are, a little delayed but just as fabulous, my friends, the cast of Bake Your Heart Out!

Carly: And Carly.

Sam: Yes, Carly, the Peggy Schuyler of the Bake Your Heart Out team.

Carly: I believe that’s a Hamilton reference, but I’m not sure, because I am not a nerd.

Melanie: Oh, it’s so good to have you back. You know how many interesting people come through here? Just you. Eight months of the year, I’m tending only to frazzled moms trying their best, moody kids who wish they could be in Disney World instead, and grandparents who think Cape Cod is too much of a thrill to go to on vacation. We aren’t anyone’s top vacation destination.

Sam: It’s really bad when we are a relief to see. I mean… we’re a pain in the ass.

Melanie: A fun pain in the ass. So how was the flight?

Diane: We won’t be discussing the flight.

Leslie: Paul will be paying our therapy bills.

Sam: Diane was so stressed out by the whole affair, she went back to her hotel room and played Sour by Olivia Rodrigo all night until she fell asleep. Just sat on the bed, staring at the wall, like a prison inmate.

Melanie: Is that supposed to be considered news?

Diane: I fell asleep at seven, so it’s not like I did it for that long.

Sam: That you did it at all is concerning. Your eyes were glazed over, you looked dead!

Diane: I had consumed many pills.

Sam: Like I said, alcoholic!

Melanie: It’s good to see nothing has changed.

Garry: Carly and I moved to a new house! God, it feels good to finally be able to share that.

Sam: Big whoop.

Melanie: I see some of you are a little grump, and I know you’ve all had a long road here. We’ll catch up later, I’ll give you your keys now.

Diane: Thank you, Melanie, some of us didn’t get ten hours of sleep like I did and they need a nap.

Sam: I do not!

Leslie: Good to be home. Even if it is with these freaks.

What did you think of the season premiere of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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