Frances is filming an episode of the show when Dana walks onto the set.
Beverly: Cut! We have a special guest joining us, we’re taking a five minute break.
Dana: Don’t stop on my account! I could have waited until you finished your scene. All you’d be delaying is me going to sit in my office in silence and reading emails.
Beverly: Oh, that sounds like heaven.
Marcia: Have you watched this show, Dana? If you have, you’d see why we’re all jumping at the chance to get a minute free from it. Drier than a Thanksgiving turkey left in the oven too long.
Frances: That’s a bit extreme, no?
Marcia: No.
Frances: Well, I like our show. We don’t need to reinvent the wheel here, just teach people to cook three easy recipes every day.
Marcia: We have to aim a bit higher than that, no?
Jane: I agree with Frances, I think the show is great, just the way it is!
Marcia:That really who you want going to bat for you?
Frances: We’ll retool the show next week. Maybe i can cook while doing trapeze or something like I’m P!nk.
Beverly: So what brings you here in our welcoming presence, Dana?
Dana: I don’t remember.
Marcia: Oh, no… time to put mom in a home.
Beverly: I beg of you, please ignore her.
Dana: Okay, I just remembered: we’re having a meeting on Friday with all of our creatives. I would like you to be there.
Jane: Does that invi-
Dana: No.
Jane: Aww.
Dana: The invite is for producers only. So, Beverly and Frances.
Marcia: No need to rub it in my face!
Frances: Your are such an insecure little woman.
DeAnna: Was someone calling for me?
Frances: Oh god, did someone say her name three times?
DeAnna: I saw Dana was here and I had to come see her. How are you?
Dana: Very busy. Busy as a bee. I’m going to have to hurry back to my office just to get all my work done today.
Jane: I thought you said -
DeAnna: I believe I overheard something about a creative meeting? I have yet to be invited, I was wondering what that was about.
Dana: Grave oversight on my part. You are, of course, invited to take part in it if you so desire.
DeAnna: Oh, thank god. I was beginning to feel unwanted.
Dana: Who would ever make you feel that way? You are a valued member of the TBC team!
Frances: I can think of one or two people that would.
Beverly: All right, we don’t want to hold Dana up. Thank you for letting us know, we’re going to get back to work.
Dana: You know how much I love when production stays on pace!
Ten minutes later…
Beverly: Okay, we are set for the main course.
Frances: About time, I’ve been ready for almost five minutes.
Marcia: Wow, a whole five minutes.
Jane: Frances, your phone is ringing!
Frances: Turn the ringer off and let’s get this show on the road.
Jane: It’s your brother.
Frances: All the more reason to ignore. He’s probably calling to ask me to make him dinner tonight or something equally ludicrous.
Jane: Wh-
Marcia: “Ludicrous” is a fancy word for “ridiculous,” Jane.
Jane: I knew that! I think. I was trying to ask why any sister would ever want to ignore their brother. Family is important!
Frances: You may not have noticed this, but we are at work. Let’s focus on that, please.
Marcia: Since when do you focus on work?
Frances: Very funny.
Jane: He’s calling again!
Frances: Just turn the phone off. In fact, I don’t trust you know how to turn it off, hand it to me. I’ll do it.
Jane: It could be important!
Frances: It isn’t, please let it be.
Jane: All right, I’ll leave it be, John Legend.
Frances: Huh? What does John Legend have to do with this conversation?
Jane: You said “let it be,” that’s a Beatles song, John Legend is a Beatle, the one with the round glasses that sorta looks like Harry Potter.
Frances: That’s John Lennon!
Marcia: Not to mention, Paul McCartney sang lead on that song.
Jane: Isn’t she in Mike & Molly?
Marcia: You deeply frighten me.
Beverly: Frances to the stage, please, Frances to the stage.
Frances: I’ve been ready for this show, it’s all of you who are delaying me. You know it, too.
Beverly: I haven’t said or done anything to delay you. In fact, I haven't said or done anything at all in the last five minutes, I’ve been paralyzed by the stupidity unfolding around me.
Frances: Okay, chicken cacciatore, here we go.
Jane: Doesn’t Billy Joel sing about that in his one song?
Frances: I am begging you to shut up/
Marcia: You’re gonna give her a heart attack ack ack ack ack ack.
Ten minutes later…
Frances: So, you’re going to seaso-
Beverly: Cut!
Frances: Oh, Jesus, what now?
Marcia: Is Dana shutting the whole thing down because we’re running ten minutes behind? She’s tough!
Beverly: Now Jimmy is calling MY phone. You have to pick up, something is clearly wrong.
Frances: Look, Lauren is currently working one studio over. If something were seriously wrong, don’t you think she would have come running over here to let me know by now?
Marcia: This would require one to assume that DeAnna lets her have cell phone access, or that she’d allow her to tell you about a family emergency. I have my serious doubts about both.
Frances: Fine, fine. I’ll call him, but then we’re getting right back to this because I’m really hungry for chicken cacciatore.
Beverly: Here’s the phone, have fun!
Frances: I’ll just use my phone, thanks. Unlike yours, it’s not a flip phone from 1997.
Beverly: It still works! Nothing wrong with using something for as long as it works!
Marcia: Honey… the antenna is falling off.
Beverly: Still works!
Frances picks up her phone and calls Jimmy.
Jimmy: Finally! I’ve been trying to get into contact with you!
Frances: I’m aware. What’s so important that you had to keep calling and interrupting my work? Everyone else here thinks I’m crazy.
Marcia: Yeah, not ‘cause of that. Because we know you.
Frances: You know how great and awesome I am? You’re welcome.
Jimmy: Frannie, are you in a quiet place? I have to tell you something and I need you to hear it clearly.
Frances: It’s on a TV set, do you think it’s quiet?
Jimmy: Can you go to your office?
Frances: I hope this is important, this is taking up some serious time away from filming.
Jimmy: Just let me know when you’re there.
Frances: I’m there. It’s not the Biltmore Estate, it doesn’t take me hours to find my office.
Jimmy: Okay, I got some sad news from back home.
Frances: Santa Barbara home or Michigan home?
Jimmy: Michigan.
Frances: Aww, I was kinda hoping Louise finally admitted that she’s an alcoholic.
Jimmy: Great Aunt Loretta died.
Frances: No! She was doing well!
Jimmy: She was, but she had a fall and that was it.
Frances: Oh my god, we haven’t seen her since her 90th. I feel bad! And I was just joking about your wife being an alcoholic, I’m so insensitive.
Jimmy: No, it’s fine, she absolutely is.
Frances: I’m going to let you go -
Jimmy: You don’t have to if you need to talk to someone about this.
Frances: No, I’ll be fine. I know you’re upset, too, I don’t want to bring you down any more. Not to mention, I do have to compose myself enough to finish filming this episode.
Jimmy: All right, I’ll see you later.
Frances: See you then.
Frances walks back out to the set.
Beverly: Frances, what’s wrong?
Frances: Oh, nothing.
Beverly: You’re crying. You don’t cry.
Frances: My great aunt died.
Beverly: Oh no! I’m sorry.
Frances: She had a goof life, she was ninety-two.
Marcia: Taken in the prime of life!
Beverly: Marcia!
Marcia: What? You gotta laugh to keep from cryin’.
Beverly: That’s your great aunt-in-law you’re cracking jokes about.
Marcia: Uh… no? Just because Greg married Frances doesn’t mean her family is my family now.
Frances: Okay, I don’t think we need to get into this now.
Beverly: You’re right.
Jane: Will you be going back to Michigan for her funeral?
Frances: Um, yeah. I guess I’ll have to take some time off here.
Beverly: I’ll let Dana know, I’ll be the one who takes the reaming for that.
Marcia: There’s always time for Marcia in the Kitchen!
Beverly: No.
Marcia: I tried.
Jane: Can I go with you to Michigan?
Beverly: Well, you are technically my assistant, so I suppose so.
Jane: Yes!
Marcia: Someone’s a bit too excited about attending a funeral.
Jane: I just love Frances’ family so much.
Marcia: Yeah, her family.
Jane: I’m confused, what are you trying to say?
Frances: She’s trying to say you have the hots for my niece and we all know it. No shame in that. Now, let’s get back to work.
Beverly: Are you sure you want to do that? You’re going through a loss right now, we’d all understand if you just packed up and went home to be with your family.
Frances: I’m going to get enough time off next week so as it is, we’re finishing this episode. Plus, as I said, I’m very hungry for chicken cacciatore.
Beverly: You are being impressively strong through this, I admire it.
Frances: I am a deeply admirable person.
Later that night…
Louise: Oh, Frances! I’m so sorry!
Frances: Geez, I didn’t realize you guys were going to be here.
Louise: It’s a family crisis, the family has to come together.
Frances: Is it a crisis? She was ninety-two.
Jimmy: That is so cynical! So heartless!
Frances: I’m very sad that she died, but she had such a good and long life. Why don’t we celebrate that rather than crying?
Louise: Sometimes you need a good cry to help you grieve. You can’t just bottle it up.
Frances: All I’m asking is for you to all not overlook the amazing life she had while you grieve.
Lauren: We talked about this a lot on the ride home. Ninety-two is a great run, think of all she got to do over those years. Also, you know, she was basically senile towards the end, so maybe this is a blessing in a way. She’s free from the ravages of time.
Louise: Good lord, you did not just say it’s good that your aunt died!
Lauren: I did not. Grief is hard, I’m sorry I’m processing it strangely!
Greg: We’ve all gone through a lot of grieving today, and all grief is valid.
Louise: You met her once, Greg! You don’t get to police grief!
Greg: I was not policing grief, I was saying you were!
Jimmy: Good to see this family tragedy bringing us together.
Louise: Careful, Frances may not let you describe it as a tragedy.
Frances: No, I think “tragedy” is a fitting word for it. In fact, that’s the word in mind I had for it that was more fitting than “crisis.”
Louise: Now we have the word police here with us.
Frances: So when is the funeral? We’re going to have to fly in a few days before, since our family is so… unique.
Jimmy: Lara said it’ll be next Friday to give the out-of-state family, like us, time to get there. She wants to make it a grand affair.
Frances: Why is she talking about it as if it’s a destination wedding?
Lauren: Because she’s crazy?
Jimmy: She’s not crazy. She’s just, I don’t know…
Frances: Crazy. She’s my sister, I get to say it.
Lauren: So when are we flying to Michigan? I need to let my boss know ASAP, she’s kind of a lunatic.
Frances: Oh, come on, she’s a sweet lady.
Jimmy: I think we’ll head out on Tuesday if that’s okay with all of you.
Frances: Any day works for me. Beverly has practically lionized me for having the strength to cook before a camera today, I’m going to need a break from that. Then again, I’m not sure I’m ready to see my family, either.
Greg: Why not?
Frances: Aside from them being crazy? I don’t know if they’re too crazy about me. I never come home.
Greg: Come on, they’re gonna be thrilled to see you.
Louise: I wouldn’t be too sure about that.
Greg: It’s a funeral, surely they won’t be too harsh on her.
Louise: Again, wouldn’t be so sure!
The next week…
Frances: Wow, look at all these family members. So many people who hate me.
Lara: Frances! We don’t hate you.
Frances: Ah! Where’d you come from?
Lara: It’s my house.
Frances: It’s nice to see you, by the way.
Lara: I wish it were under better circumstances, but I’m glad to see you as well.
Jane: Where is Jaime?
Lara: You wanna make out again? She’s in a relationship, sorry.
Jane: Oh… all right. There’s a lot else to do in Michigan, anyway. You have good cheese.
Lara: That’s Wisconsin.
Jane: What’s the difference?
Jimmy: Isn’t it a shame what happened? Great Aunt Loretta was the glue that held us together.
Lara: Yeah, I can’t help but feel like this celebration of her life is the last time we’ll all be together under the same roof.
Frances: I don’t know if that’s true. We’ll -
Lara: Come on, you probably didn’t even want to come for this, and you liked her.
Greg: No, she was dead set on coming, she wanted to honor your Great Aunt Loretta’s life.
Lauren: And also see all of you!
Frances: Exactly. Family is so important!
Lara: I don’t know if I believe you, but I am glad to have you home, either way.
Frances: That’s very nice, Lara. I see Jane over there on her knees begging Jaime to take her back.
Greg: Let her go, it can’t hur-
Louise: Oh, no, she’s doing it.
Lauren: Eh, we’re at a funeral. We might as well let someone be happy, improve their life.
Frances: Family really is everything. Even insane potential in-laws like Jane!
Jimmy: You know, Frances, I finally see your point. It sure is sad she’s gone, but Great Aunt Loretta has reunited us and given us a reason to celebrate again. Isn’t that really what the meaning of life is?
Frances: Oh no, now he’s getting philosophical.
Jimmy: I’m just piggybacking on what you’ve already said. Live life while it goes on, and when it ends, celebrate it for what it was.
Frances: Well, then, let’s celebrate. Life’s a party if you make it one!
What did you think of the season finale of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season premiere of Bake Your Heart Out next week!
