MANNY walks into the bullpen dressed as a zombie as the championship game is in the ninth inning. The Indianapolis Primitives are playing the Charleston Capitols.
MANNYSorry I’m a little late every—
ACE sneaks up behind MANNY dressed as a pirate and yells “BOO!.” MANNY lets out a loud scream.
ACE
You really thought we weren’t going to scare you? Happy Halloween!
MANNY looks around to see everyone dressed in costumes.
MANNY
Devin, why are you wrapped in toilet paper?
DEVIN
I’m a Mummy! Well, not ACTUALLY a mummy but that’s what I dressed up as for Halloween.
MANNY
Nice wig you got there, Lorenzo.
LORENZO
Oh it’s not a wig. It’s some leftover cotton candy. Plus, if this game goes past two innings, I’ll get hungry so it’s good to have something to eat.
HARRY
I’m right here.
ROBERT
You’re wearing a shirt that says I’m Not A Cook.
HARRY
It’s just a costume.
ROBERT
Not much of one.
HARRY
We can’t all dress up as the Sexiest Gentleman Alive!
ROBERT
I’m actually my pediatrician. Or at least, I resemble how I remember him looking.
HARRY
He looks exactly like the Sexiest Gentleman Alive.
ROBERT
I can’t help if I make a good-looking pediatrician.
MANNY
Felix, how come you didn’t get dressed up?
FELIX
I did. I’m a baseball player.
LORENZO
Good costume, you almost tricked me for a second.
MANNY
You do make for one scary baseball player. For the last game of the season, that is.
FELIX
I’ve just had to come to terms with the fact that I won’t be pitching today. Even I’m still scarred from last year.
LORENZO
The good news is there are fans here this time.
ACE
And a lot of fatheads of celebrities.
MANNY
Oh yeah. About that. They asked like hundreds of celebrities to attend the game. Most of them hate baseball, though, so they just put up fatheads of them.
DEVIN
I can’t recognize half of them.
FELIX
Maybe you’re watching too much Cat Police then.
DEVIN
That’s not true, I’m missing Cat Police right now because we agreed not to turn the TV on for the final game.
ACE
Is anyone else really bored by this game?
LORENZO
I’m not watching it, anything going on?
ACE
Not at all, no runs have been scored and it’s the last inning.
HARRY
It can always go to extra innings.
ROBERT
Harry, don’t speak of such an unnecessary evil.
MANNY
Looks like the Captains are taking their pitcher out.
HARRY
You mean the Capitols?
MANNY
Whatever the name of the team we’re playing is.
HARRY
Capitols.
CARTER, the pitcher from the Charleston Capitols who was just taken out of the game, starts walking back to the dugout before he is redirected to the Capitols’ bullpen.
FELIX
Why would they take him out of the game? He’s doing fine.
DEVIN
And are they wiping down the baseball? What’s going on?
ACE
I think I know what’s happening here.
HARRY [yelling in CARTER’s direction]
IT’S JUST THE SNIFFLES!
DEVIN
You guys think he actually has it?
HARRY
Please. Once we get a new commissioner, it’ll go away. Like you’ve never sniffled before.
MANNY
Looks like some of their other guys are walking off the field right now too. And there’s no one in our dugout.
FELIX
Holy crap. I’m starting to think they might end the game early!
HARRY
In that case, I’m out of here.
HARRY starts to walk away, but then decides to stay.
HARRY
Whatever’s going on right now, it’s weird.
LORENZO
Think we’ll be here a while?
FELIX
Who’s to say?
LORENZO reaches over his head and starts to eat the cotton candy he had been storing there.
JASON starts jogging to the bullpen.
JASON
Guys, I’m not really sure what’s going on, but long story short I need you all to get ready to bat. You’re our only hope to win the championship.
LORENZO
Fine, I guess I’ll save the team.
JASON
Nope. I don’t care who bats, just...eh, whatever, you won’t do any worse than the others.
JASON walks away. LORENZO and ROBERT both bat and quickly strike out. ACE is up next.
FELIX
My anxiety level is through the roof right now.
DEVIN
Tell me about it.
LORENZO
I have a question.
HARRY
What is it?
LORENZO
How come I didn’t get a sticker for batting?
HARRY
Why would you possibly get a sticker for batting? Also, you looked ridiculous out there with the cotton candy on your head. Before you took a time out to eat it, that is.
DEVIN
Oh no. Ace is really in character right now. Batting with only one hand.
The bullpen watches as ACE hits a fly ball in the outfield and gets to second base. FELIX is up next.
HARRY
Felix! Your turn to screw up again!
FELIX
This really is making me stressed.
MANNY
Don’t worry about it. For all I know, both of our jobs are on the line, though.
FELIX quickly runs from the bullpen to the batter’s box. After a long at-bat, he hits the ball into the outfield. ACE scores, and the Indianapolis Primitives have won the championship game. Everyone on the bullpen runs on the field and celebrates, still in costume.
MANNY
Let’s all go to Lorenzo’s Kitchen to celebrate!
LORENZO
It’s not open right now, but...yeah, okay.
Everyone from the bullpen walks to Lorenzo’s Kitchen. They find a group of people waiting outside.
FELIX
Who are you guys?
They introduce themselves as XAVIER, MIKE, TYLER, JAMES, and COACH DONOVAN from the Charleston Capitols’ bullpen.
FELIX
Sorry you guys lost, I guess.
TYLER
No, you deserved it. Make up for how badly you screwed up last year.
FELIX
Everyone really does have to remind me, don’t they?
JAMES
We wanted to have an end-of-year celebration at the ballpark but security told us to clear out.
XAVIER
Yeah, rumor has it Carter, our starting pitcher, has—
HARRY
The sniffles. Were you anywhere near him?
XAVIER
Nope.
HARRY
Let’s go in then.
Everyone walks into Lorenzo’s Kitchen. They find LORENZO’s group of regulars in there. REAGAN greets them.
REAGAN
How is potential future State Representative Lorenzo doing?
LORENZO
Our team just won the championship series because Felix didn’t screw up again.
REAGAN
Why are they all in costume when you’re not?
LORENZO
I ate my costume.
REAGAN
Let me guess, cotton candy?
LORENZO
Yep.
LORENZO [turning to both bullpens]
Let me make you guys some drinks. Water okay?
Before waiting for an answer, LORENZO quickly pours glasses of water for everyone.
DEVIN
Actually...I think tonight calls for some champagne.
LORENZO grabs a bottle of champagne and opens it. It goes flying in the air.
CHASE, ADAM, SAM, LINCOLN, and MADISON all motion for LORENZO to meet them at their table.
LORENZO
What is it?
ADAM
You’re gonna find this crazy.
CHASE
You want to tell him, Adam?
SAM
I think I should.
LINCOLN
I want to tell him!
MADISON
I don’t.
Everyone looks at MADISON.
MADISON
Fine. Lorenzo...there’s been a huge scandal in the state legislature. Lots of people are retiring.
LORENZO
Really? Wow. I don’t follow politics.
LINCOLN
You’re running for public office. The election is in a week.
LORENZO
I know.
MADISON
Well anyways...we’ve all decided to run for office too. Not in your district, of course, we’re from all different parts of the state.
LORENZO
So, you’re saying we might all be in Congress together?
MADISON
Probably not, but it’s possible.
LORENZO
Wow.
LORENZO pauses and then runs away to celebrate some more with the Indianapolis Primitives.
MANNY
Good season guys. You deserved this win.
DEVIN
No we didn’t.
ACE
Yeah, we didn’t do all that much.
ROBERT
I struck out.
LORENZO
Same. And Felix screwed up last year.
MANNY
Alright, so maybe you didn’t contribute much this season, but you got the team a win when it counted the most.
LORENZO
Who’s down for coming here next week to see me possibly win an election?
Everyone on the Indianapolis Primitives agrees to go to Lorenzo’s Kitchen during the election night coverage. They then walk away, LORENZO included.
REAGAN (to fellow lawyers)
Think we should talk about Lorenzo just coming and going as he pleases?
CHASE
Nah, let him celebrate the win.
ADAM
What are we even still doing here?
CHASE
Good question.
The group of lawyers leave.
COACH DONOVAN
Mike, Xavier, James, Tyler...good season. Not great, but good. I’ll see you when I see you, I guess.
The Charleston Capitols bullpen leaves.
As everyone leaves, a man and a woman walk on the sidewalk. They stop outside of Lorenzo’s Kitchen, wearing Indianapolis Primitives merchandise.
MAN
Fran, tell me again why you like the Primitives?
WOMAN
Brian, I think they’re a good team. And that Lorenzo is one character. Worth coming all this way to see the game.