ROBERT, LORENZO, MANNY, FELIX, ACE, and DEVIN are all sitting on the bullpen bench. HARRY is standing in front of them.
MANNY
Any reason why you’re standing in front of us?
FELIX
Yeah, there’s a playoff game going on here and I’m trying to watch.
ACE
This is the playoffs?
DEVIN
Are you sure it’s not an exhibition game?
ROBERT
Or an All-Star Game? Same pitchers.
FELIX
That’s because they put the best guys in to start the playoffs. Plus, all our starting pitchers go to the All-Star Game every year. That included me last year. You know, that reminds me of—
HARRY
I’m gonna cut you off right there and tell you my news. We failed our health inspection.
LORENZO
What?! Why did they tell you and not me?! I hope this doesn’t hurt business, Lorenzo’s Kitchen was just picking up again!
HARRY
I wasn’t talking—
LORENZO
I am so sorry everyone, guess we can’t go to Lorenzo’s Kitchen after the game. How about this, I give you a free coupon instead.
HARRY
We have coupons? Wait, what am I talking about, I’m getting sidetracked. This has nothing to do with Lorenzo’s Kitchen.
ACE
Then why are you telling us this?
HARRY
By saying we, I meant all of us. We failed our health inspection.
MANNY
What health inspection?
FELIX
And how could we have failed it?
HARRY
Apparently it’s illegal to serve expired meat.
FELIX
What?! You were giving us expired meat?!
DEVIN
Don’t even tell me how long my hamburger was expired for.
HARRY
Which hamburger?
DEVIN
Uh...the one yesterday, I guess.
HARRY
Probably a day or two or three or four. Five or six or seven tops.
FELIX
Okay, so that was two weeks expired. What else?
HARRY
Pretty much everything was expired. Also, they found gum stuck to the bottom of the bench.
LORENZO
Oh that’s not gum, that’s cotton candy. I was saving it.
ROBERT
Um...for what?
LORENZO
I was slowly but surely going to spell ‘Lorenzo’ under the bench. Free promotion.
ROBERT
For what?
FELIX
And you do realize nobody will see that, right?
LORENZO
You know, if their hot dog falls under the bench and they have to look for it to finish eating it, they’ll see my cotton candy Lorenzo display.
ROBERT
I don’t think I want to know any more.
LORENZO
I was think—
MANNY
So how do we fix this?
HARRY
There’s only one way. We stop having expired food. I know, it’s a sacrifice, but it’s one we’ll all have to make.
ACE
I don’t think that’s much of a sacrifice.
DEVIN
I don’t think that’s a sacrifice at all!
ACE
I just said that.
DEVIN
No, you said it wouldn’t be MUCH of a sacrifice. There’s a difference.
ACE
Whatever. I do have a liking for the word ‘much,’ though.
FELIX
So I have a question about the game.
LORENZO
What game?
FELIX
Seriously?! I’m just trying to figure out how much longer our team is going to be playing this season.
MANNY
I’m sure they’ll make it to the championship. Hopefully they don’t blow it in the—
LORENZO
Yes, we realize, Felix screwed up.
FELIX
Thank you, Lorenzo. I guess.
HARRY
Circling back to the cotton candy, you’re gonna have to get rid of it, Lorenzo.
LORENZO
Fine. Who wants to do the honors?
HARRY
You’re taking down the cotton candy yourself.
FELIX
As far as I can tell, Robert is already doing it.
LORENZO
You know, I’m gonna miss that cotton candy.
MANNY
Really?
LORENZO
Oh well. Guess I’ll just have to start all over again.
HARRY
Then we’ll fail the health inspection again.
LORENZO
When’s the next one gonna be?
HARRY
Nobody has any way of knowing.
LORENZO
I’ll take my chances. As soon as we’re cleared, I’m starting over.
MANNY
I like the dedication, I’ll give you that much.
DEVIN
Can we all agree that from here on out, we’ll only eat non-expired food in the bullpen?
FELIX
You would think that would be a given.
HARRY
Fine. I’ll make non-expired food only.
ACE
Safe to say we can leave?
LORENZO
I pitched last week so there’s no way they’re gonna call me again.
MANNY
There’s no way they’re gonna call any of you in the playoffs, unless they need a baserunner to start off extra innings. Even that is somehow a stretch.
ROBERT
I grant everyone permission to leave.