Raymond Island Season 2 Episode 3 - Live From New York

Raymond Island Season 2, Episode 3
Live From New York

Gretchen, Carol and Susana are in the office at the state capitol.
Gretchen: You guys ready to go to New York?
Carol: I can’t believe Tammy okayed this. Couldn’t the weekend be better spent in Wisconsin or Nevada or something?
Gretchen: This gets us nationwide exposure, that’s why we agreed to it.
Carol: You don’t think canceling a rally in Wisconsin could backfire?
Gretchen: It’ll be fine. We sent Birkman in my place. Spanheim’s there, too.
Carol: Birkman isn’t the nominee for Vice President. Neither is Alicia Spanheim.
Gretchen: Don’t worry.
Susana: Yeah, mom. Being on Saturday Night Live is gonna help us far more than a single rally in the middle of Wisconsin.
Samantha: What are you guys talking about?
Gretchen: My god, you scared me. You’re like a ninja.
Samantha: Or perhaps your ears don’t work right. Are you losing it? Do you have to step down? I’m here for you if you do.
Gretchen: Can it. I’m fine.
Samantha: What are you talking about, though? I’m genuinely curious. I’m trying to fit in with this little group, you know.
Carol: We don’t really want you in our group, though.
Samantha: Tough.
Susana: We’re talking about Gretchen’s appearance on SNL tomorrow night. We’re flying to New York tonight for it.
Samantha: Tonight?
Gretchen: Yes. That’s the night that is happening on this day.
Samantha: I know the definition of “tonight,” Gretchen. I’m just shocked you’re planning to fly tonight.
Gretchen: Planes work at night.
Samantha: Is the sarcasm necessary?
Carol: She’s having a day. Let her be sarcastic.
Samantha: Your day’s about to get worse.
Gretchen: Just spit it out.
Samantha: Do none of you check the weather? Really?
Carol: We’re very busy.
Samantha: You’re not going to be for a few days. There’s a historic blizzard hitting New England tonight into tomorrow.
Gretchen: Very funny.
Susana: No, she’s not.
Samantha: I can be funny!
Susana: There really is a blizzard coming. It’s going to be a bad one, too.
Gretchen: In October? I just watched Jamie Lee Curtis get terrorized in one of like sixteen different Halloween movies last night and you’re telling me a blizzard is hitting tonight?
Susana: Apparently.
Samantha: You don't know how much pleasure it brings me to present you with that news.
Susana: Gretchen, what are we going to do? We need to get to New York for SNL.
Samantha: Not go to New York. That’s what you’re gonna do.
Carol: It’s been great catching up, Samantha. Now we’re gonna discuss some things.
Samantha: Feel free!
Carol: In private.
Samantha: That’s no way to talk to the Lieutenant Governor of a state that most people think was invented by Family Guy.
Carol closes the door to the office and locks it.
Gretchen: Thank you. God, she is annoying.
Susana: We need to win this election just to get away from her.
Gretchen: And then we’re never coming back to Rhode Island again.
Samantha: I can hear you!
Gretchen: It’s cute that you think I care.
Carol: So, what are we going to do about SNL?
Gretchen: For now, we’re planning to go. The flight hasn’t been canceled yet. You know meteorologists, they always say snow is coming and then it doesn’t. It’s not an exact science.
Susana: They just canceled our flight.
Carol: There are flurries outside right now.
Gretchen: Samantha said it’s coming tonight.
Carol: Maybe the snow wanted to be early to beat traffic.
Gretchen: We can still drive to New York.
Susana: Koobach’s calling.
Gretchen: Koobach or Ron?
Susana: Koobach, I guess. It’s her number.
Gretchen: in that case, give me the phone.
Susana: Here.
Gretchen answers the phone.
Tammy: Oh… boy.
Gretchen: Hi Tammy!
Tammy: Even the weather wants us to lose, Gretchen.
Gretchen: It does seem that way.
Tammy: I assume you’re not gonna be on SNL tomorrow, then.
Gretchen: I’m going to try. This is important. For many reasons.
Tammy: I know it’s great promo, but don’t put your life in danger over it. We’re gonna lose anyway.
Gretchen: It’s not that. SNL did a horrible sketch about that time I called myself “Big Gretch” and talked about Shark Week on a hot mic and I was a laughingstock forever because of it. I need to redeem myself. And the polls are tightening, we can win.
Tammy: I wish I had your undying optimism.
Gretchen: I never thought of myself like that, but I am pretty optimistic now that you mention it.
Samantha: Ha!
Carol: You’re still out there?
Tammy: So I’ll see you tomorrow on SNL?
Gretchen: Yes! I will see you tomorrow.
Tammy: I hope you’re right.
Gretchen: I hope so, too. Now, I gotta go because my daughter is calling me.
Tammy: You do that. See you tomorrow.
Gretchen: Bye Tammy!
Gretchen hangs up with Tammy and answers Christina’s call.
Christina: Mom! You need to get home now!
Gretchen: Did something happen with Toby? Did he chip a tooth again?
Toby: I’m fine, mom!
Gretchen: Oh, thank god. What’s wrong then, Christina?
Christina: Grandma is freaking out because it’s snowing and you’re not home yet.
Gretchen: She does care!
Christina: Of course she does. Who else would shovel the driveway without you?
Gretchen: Good point.
Lucinda: Get home, Gretchen!
Gretchen: I will, I will. I just need to finish up a conversation with the girls here at work and I’ll be on my way.
Lucinda: It’s speeding up out there, you need to hurry before you get into an accident.
Gretchen: I will see you soon. A half-hour tops.
Lucinda: You promise?
Gretchen: Yes!
Lucinda: You better keep your word.
Christina: I’ll let you go then, mom. See you at home.
Gretchen: See ya, Christina. I hope your dad gets home soon, too.
Christina: I called him first, he said he’d be an hour.
Gretchen: Man, mom really is worried about the driveway.
Christina: All of my jokes are based in truth, mom.
Gretchen: Okay, I gotta go. I’ll be home soon.
Gretchen hangs up.
Gretchen: My mom’s freaking out, I need to get home.
Carol: I feel like I’m in middle school again.
Gretchen: I’ve never felt this way. My mom’s always been cold.
Susana: We know.
Gretchen: So, what are we going to do about SNL? We can’t fly, how will we get there?
Carol: I know you’re not going to like this, but I think we should just stay home. We’re certainly not going tonight, and I doubt it’ll be cleared up by tomorrow. Let’s just stay safe at home.
Gretchen: That’s not an option. I have to get there. We need something to turn this campaign around and if I show that I’m funny, it might.
Carol: No one’s gonna vote for Tammy just because you were on SNL, don’t worry. This won’t hurt us.
Susana: What if we drive tomorrow morning? We have four-wheel drive, we can get there once the blizzard is over. It might not even be that bad.
Gretchen: Carol…?
Carol: Are you sure you want to do this?
Gretchen: Yes!
Carol: I’ll do it, then.
Gretchen: So it’s settled. We’re going to do SNL and we’re leaving tomorrow. I’ll see you guys then. Pick me up, okay.
Susana: Wouldn’t have it any other way!
Gretchen: I’m gonna get home then. I don’t want to get grounded!
Gretchen runs down the hallway to her car.
Hank: You’re moving mighty fast, aren’t you, Gretchen?
Gretchen: Gotta beat the blizzard home.
Hank: Is the blizzard in a race with you?
Gretchen: In a way, yes.
Hank: Well, in that case, I hope you win.
Gretchen: Wow, that was actually nice. Have I entered the Twilight Zone?
At Gretchen’s house…
Gretchen: I’m home! The roads were pretty good yet, thank god.
Lucinda: I’m glad you’re safe! We’re getting ready for a snowed-in weekend. Movies, games, soup for dinner. It’s gonna be great.
Gretchen: I’ll be gone tomorrow, but tonight and Sunday I’m all-in on the lazy snowy days.
Lucinda: You’ll be gone? Where?
Gretchen: You are acting strange.
Lucinda: I’m acting fine. I can be nice.
Anthony: Honey, I’m home! 
Christina: Dad! You’re home early!
Anthony: I overestimated the time.
Gretchen: Thank god I don’t have to shovel now.
Lucinda: You’re not getting out of it that easy. Gretchen, where are you going tomorrow?
Gretchen: Oh, this again.
Lucinda: Where?
Gretchen: I’m driving to New York with Carol and Susana.
Lucinda: Are you insane? There’s a blizzard outside and you’re going to New York? Honey, if you’re losing New York, then you’re losing the election anyway.
Gretchen: It’s not for the election?
Lucinda: So you decided this would be a good weekend to visit Lady Liberty?
Gretchen: It is for the election, but it’s not a rally. I’m gonna be on SNL, remember?
Lucinda: Good lord. My daughter’s going to die because of SNL.
Gretchen: Usually you wouldn’t care if I died. Why are you being so nice?
Lucinda: Snow scares me, okay?
Christina: Grandma, why are you so scared of the snow?
Lucinda: It’s no big deal.
Gretchen: It is. You’ve shown me more kindness today and been more caring today than you ever have been. What is it about the snow that’s so special?
Lucinda: When I was a kid, my best friend and her family went out Christmas tree shopping in a blizzard. Their car skid off the road and they almost died. They moved to Arizona after that because her mom was so freaked out and wanted to avoid the winter conditions.
Christina: That story actually took a better turn than I was expecting.
Anthony: Usually Lucinda's stories are much darker.
Lucinda: I lost my best friend because of a blizzard!
Anthony: Lost in a way.
Lucinda: I didn’t see her again for thirty years!
Christina: You did see her though!
Lucinda: Yes. After years of writing letters, we saw each other again.
Gretchen: There! Happy ending! I’m going to New York.
Anthony: I’m just shocked that they had cars when you were a kid. What a blindside.
Lucinda: You know what? Fine. I’ll go back to being cold and uncaring. You guys do whatever you want. I’m gonna go sit on the couch and watch a spooky movie.
Gretchen: Mom, I won’t go. I’ll stay home if that makes you feel better.
Lucinda: It does. Thank you.
Christina: Okay, who else is ready to watch Little Shop of Horrors?
Gretchen: Is that appropriate for Toby?
Toby: I watched Halloween with you last night.
Gretchen: Fair point, kid. Let’s get watching!
The next morning, before anyone else wakes up, Gretchen creeps out of bed and looks out the window.
Gretchen: Oh, my god. It’s like we’re in Antarctica.
Gretchen sits on the couch, picks up the phone, and calls Carol and Susana.
Susana: Governor Raymond, I assume you’ve seen what it looks like outside.
Gretchen: Yes, I have.
Carol: We’re not coming, Gretchen.
Gretchen: I assumed as much.
Susana: I thought it would get better by this time. It’s a disaster out there.
Carol: It would be inappropriate to leave the state at a time like this.
Gretchen: I agree. I thought this would just be a little storm but it’s much worse. I’ll just have to stay home and cry about not being on SNL. It’ll be okay.
Carol: I’ll call them and tell them you’re not coming. You don’t need to do that.
Gretchen: Thank you, that’s sweet.
Susana: We’ll see you soon and talk to you later today, I’m sure.
Gretchen: Talk to you later, bye girls.
Gretchen hangs up.
Lucinda: What was that?
Gretchen: I was ordering breakfast.
Lucinda: With three feet of snow on the ground? Who would even deliver that?
Gretchen: DeAngelo’s.
Lucinda: DeAngelo’s closed in March.
Gretchen: Fine. I was talking to Carol and Susana. I was canceling plans to New York.
Lucinda: Of course you were. You were plotting something behind my back. You should’ve listened to ole’ mom.
Gretchen: Yes, I should’ve. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going back to bed because it’s six in the morning and I have nowhere to be.
Lucinda: If only we could all be governors. What an easy job.
Gretchen: You’re retired. Shush up.
That night…
Christina: Ooh, mom, can we watch Saturday Night Live? It’s on in two minutes!
Gretchen: Ugh. Why would I want to subject myself to that?
Anthony: It might be fun. See what they did with that sketch you were supposed to be in.
Gretchen: I’d really rather not.
Christina: Come on, mom!
Gretchen: Fine. We’ll watch it. Only the opening, I want to watch more movies.
Anthony: We watched nine movies today. That’s a pretty good haul, I’d say.
Gretchen: Not enough.
Christina: I just want to see the cold open, anyway. Don’t worry, mom.
Ten minutes later…
Gretchen: That was brutal.
Christina: In my defense, I didn’t know.
Anthony: It wasn’t that bad!
Gretchen: The actress playing me in the sketch made me look like a complete fool and then I got blown away in a snowstorm at the end of it. It wasn’t good.
Anthony: At least they didn’t make fun of Tammy too much.
Gretchen: Who cares about Tammy?
Christina: I mean, we do kinda need her to win the election.
Gretchen: Yeah but her ego hasn’t been bruised like mine!
Anthony: She is down ten points in the national polls. That can’t feel good.
Gretchen: Not as bad as my impersonation getting blown off of a terrace by a blizzard and seemingly falling to my death.
Lucinda: Stop arguing about it, Gretchen. You and Tammy are both losers.
Gretchen: Thank you, mom. I really appreciate it.

What did you think of the new episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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