Raymond Island Season 2 Episode 2 - Allentown Freedom

Raymond Island Season 2, Episode 2
Allentown Freedom

Gretchen, Carol, Susana and the family are all on a train to Philadelphia.

Gretchen: Carol, can you explain to me why we’re taking a train? I’m the nominee for Vice President of the United States. Could we not afford a plane?

Carol: This rally was very short notice. I can assure you, Gretchen, we’re not taking a train or automobile ever again, just a plane. Well, unless we start to fall behind in New Hampshire. Then we’re gonna just drive there.

Gretchen: Is that on the table? Sheryl won it by double-digits!

Carol: Well, umm, that was when she wasn’t the most unpopular president in American history. We are definitely running against the wind.

Gretchen: Speak English, please.

Susana: We’re not winning. We have a lot of ground to make up.

Gretchen: That’s why we’re going to Pennsylvania, right? Blue Pennsylvania. Beautiful, blue Pennsylvania. Sheryl won it. Tammy’s surely leading now, right?

Carol: She is not.

Lucinda: Kathleen Santana was the right pick for VP, clearly.

Anthony: She wasn’t even on the list, you old grouch.

Lucinda: She still was the right pick.

Gretchen: Glad to know I always have your support, mom. Good to have you on board with us.

Lucinda: You’re welcome!

Toby: Are we almost there? I’m bored

Gretchen: Tell me about it, kid.

Carol: We’ve been on the train for an hour, so no, we’re not there.

Toby: when will we be there?

Carol: Four more hours, hopefully.

Toby: Dad, can we play a game?

Anthony: Christina? Wanna play a game with your brother and me?

Christina: My cell reception sucks, might as well get some quality family time.

Susana: No way! Governor Raymond, I just got off the phone with someone really cool!

Gretchen: Is it someone with an airplane?

Susana: No, not quite.

Gretchen: Who is it, then?

Susana: The booking agent for the Philadelphia Action News.

Gretchen: And…?

Susana: They want you to be on the show tomorrow before the big rally!

Gretchen: Did you tell them yes?

Susana: Of course I did.

Gretchen: Okay…

Carol: You sound upset.

Gretchen: I don’t want to run myself too ragged and look tired. It might hurt us.

Carol: Additional coverage is always good. Well, usually.

Gretchen: You said we have four more hours on here?

Carol: Yeah.

Gretchen: Okay, I’m going to bed. I need my beauty rest for tomorrow.

Susana: It’s only six o’clock. Won’t that mess up your sleep schedule?

Anthony: Just, let her.

Christina: When mom wants to do something, she follows through. She might just bite your finger or something if you try and keep her awake.

Carol: How did she already fall asleep? My god.

Lucinda: My daughter’s always been a lazy bum. You’ve seen her performance as governor, haven’t you?

The next day, Gretchen, Carol and Susana arrive at the news studio and sit in the green room.

Susana: You look nice and rested, Gretchen.

Carol; She did sleep from six until ten and then from like midnight until eight. That’s more than anyone needs to sleep. Ever.

Gretchen: Don’t judge, Carol. I’m running for Vice President, I need my beauty rest!

Carol: I hope you spent some time getting ready for the interview.

Gretchen: Yeah, yeah. Delphy and Ducovney are unqualified to lead the country, Tammy has a record of winning, something nice about Pennsylvania. All I gotta say.

Carol: Sure. Just, keep your cool and calmly explain why you and Tammy are the best choices. You don’t have to crush it, just don’t blow it.

Gretchen: Thanks for setting the bar so high.

Ten minutes later, during the interview with journalist James Garley…

James: Governor Raymond, thank you for joining me today. We’re so glad to have you with us here in Philadelphia.

Gretchen: I’m glad to be here, Jim.

James: I prefer James.

Gretchen: Okay, James.

James: How are you enjoying Pennsylvania so far?

Gretchen: I love Pennsylvania, great state. Lots of fields where our great farmers work to feed America and then there’s the great city of Philadelphia which is such a melting pot of cultures and ideas. I’ve only been here one day on this trip but it’s always great to be here. Tammy Koobach and I know how important Pennsylvania will be in this election and we intend to do everything to win over their votes.

James: You’re in Philadelphia for a rally tonight. Your campaign says your trip to Pennsylvania will last two days. Are you planning to travel anywhere else in the area? Perhaps Chester County or Allentown in the Lehigh Valley?

Gretchen: Allentown? That’s a Billy Joel song, right? Well, we’re living here in Allentown, and they’re closing all the factories down. That one?

James: That, uh, that would be the city the song is based on.

Gretchen: That’s a real place? In Pennsylvania? I thought it was as real as Narnia?

James: It is, and I guess it’s pretty safe to assume you’re not planning to visit it.

Gretchen: That would be a correct assumption.

Fifteen minutes later, after the interview ends…

Carol: Gretchen… what was that?

Gretchen: I thought I did well!

Susana: You did. For most of it, at least. Some of it, though… oh boy.

Gretchen: Clearly I did something dumb, so what is it?

Susana: The city of Allentown isn’t very happy with you.

Gretchen: Ugh, them again?

Susana: They’re not happy with you thinking they’re “as real as Narnia.”

Gretchen: They should get used to it, everyone just thinks Rhode Island is a made-up place from Family Guy. 

Susana: People think that?

Gretchen: Some do. I’m sure they do.

Carol: This is not good. There’s a lot of bleeding that can be done in Lehigh County, we need to win solidly there to win Pennsylvania.

Gretchen: Don’t worry about it, it’ll be fine. Just send out an apology tweet.

Susana: I did. It didn’t go well. You got, as some say, “ratioed.” They seem like a very angry city.

Gretchen: Tammy’s not gonna like this.

Susana: She’s not.

Carol: Just think of it this way: the rest of the interview went great, and after the rally, no one will remember this.

Gretchen: You better be right.

Hours later, backstage ahead of the rally…

Lucinda: What did you do?

Gretchen: Lovely to see you, mother. Glad you made it here safely.

Lucinda: What do you always do this? Gaffe after gaffe after gaffe.

Christina: She’s been complaining the entire way here.

Lucinda: I wouldn’t be complaining if your mother didn’t say something dumb every day. This is why Tammy is behind in the polls! This is why we even have to be campaigning in Pennsylvania!

Anthony: Don’t listen to her, Gretchen. She’s just being hateful. You’re not why Tammy is losing.

Gretchen: Thank you for the slight bit of optimism, Anthony.

Anthony: You can always count on me.

Gretchen: I hope you guys had a good day in Philadelphia.

Toby: Grandma took me to the art museum!

Lucinda: He almost knocked over a display but other than that, he was an angel.

Gretchen: I’m glad you guys had fun.

Toby: I even got a snow globe!

Christina: They might have. Dad and I did not.

Gretchen: Canvassing didn’t go well? 

Anthony: That’s one way to put it.

Susana: I saw what happened, it was horrible.

Gretchen: What happened? And why wasn’t I told?

Anthony: One particular resident didn’t really appreciate us knocking on his door so he shot at us with a BB gun.

Gretchen: Someone shot at my baby with a BB gun?

Anthony: I’m okay, really.

Gretchen: I was mainly talking about Christina, but I’m glad you’re also okay.

Anthony: Oh, sorry.

Gretchen: Don’t be sorry, don’t be sorry. I don’t want anyone shooting at you, either.

Lucinda: You do know that if you said that in public, it would be a complete disaster, right?

Gretchen: I know. I’m not a great speaker. Why am I the candidate for Vice President?

Lucinda: I ask myself that daily.

Anthony: You’re the candidate for Vice President because you’re a brilliant, smart, kind woman who did wonders for the Rhode Island economy. Now, get out there and crush it!

Gretchen: Actually, the rally doesn’t start for another hour.

Lucinda: What? Why did you make us come here so early?

Gretchen: I messed up the time.

Lucinda: Of course you did.

Susana: Governor Raymond, you have a call.

Gretchen: From?

Susana: Lieutenant Governor Pratt.

Gretchen: Can this day get any worse? Give me the phone.

Susana hands Gretchen the phone.

Samantha: How are you, Gretchen?

Gretchen: Is there any particular reason you’re calling me? You know I’m busy.

Samantha: Where are the keys to your office?

Gretchen: Who couldn’t ask Susana this?

Samantha: She didn’t want to talk to me?

Susana: Sorry.

Carol: Walk away, Susana. Do it before she kills you.

Gretchen: Why do you even need keys to my office?

Samantha: I’m in a budget meeting with Jeanne and Hank.

Gretchen: You’re in a what?

Hank: She’s talking with your enemies! Scary!

Gretchen: Am I on speakerphone?

Samantha: Yes, of course. I’m not gonna be rude to my guests.

Gretchen: Again, why do you need the keys to my office? And why are you people having a budget meeting without the governor?

Samantha: I’m acting governor because you abandoned Rhode Island to boost your national profile.

Gretchen: Acting governors don’t make budgetary decisions!

Hank: Not usually. We’ll make an exception.

Gretchen: You people are all a disgrace. Even more than you usually are!

Samantha: So, where are the keys?

Gretchen: Goodbye.

Samantha: Wait, what?

Gretchen hangs up.

Gretchen: That was remarkably frustrating. I’m gonna have to go back to Rhode Island tonight after the rally.

Christina: What? You promised you’d campaign with us tomorrow!

Gretchen: I have to get back to the office tomorrow. Samantha is going to screw me over while she’s acting Governor so I have to get back before she messes anything up.

Christina: How much damage can she do in one day?

Gretchen: When everyone else in the state government is working with her, a heck of a lot. For right now, though, we can enjoy being in Philadelphia, the city of cheesesteaks, the Iggles, wooder ice, and that orange hockey monster.

Toby: His name is Gritty!

Gretchen: How do you know that?

Toby: Who doesn’t know Gritty?

Gretchen: Not everyone follows hockey. I didn’t know you did.

Toby: You don’t need to follow hockey to know Gritty!

Gretchen: Can we move on from Gritty?

Christina: We better, Toby’s gonna kill you if you keep insulting his weird orange fuzzball.

Toby: Gritty!

Susana: I think this is the most I’ve ever heard Toby talk.

Toby: I have strong thoughts on Gritty.

Christina: We can tell.

There is a knock on the dressing room door. Gretchen answers.

Gretchen: My running mate is here! And she’s early!

Tammy: We need to talk in private.

Gretchen: What about Ron?

Tammy: Ron’s waiting for me in my dressing room. This will be private.

Gretchen: Oh boy.

Christina: I think mom’s about to die.

Lucinda: We’ll just have to wait and see.

Christina: You don’t sound concerned.

Lucinda: It’s probably her fault if it happens.

In the hallway…

Tammy: I come bearing news.

Gretchen: Did Sheryl bomb South Africa?

Tammy: Not that I’m aware of. That’s something she’d do, though.

Gretchen: What’s wrong, then? You’re scaring me.

Tammy: New poll. New York Times poll.

Gretchen: We’re winning?

Tammy: It’s from here in Pennsylvania.

Gretchen: We’re not winning…

Tammy: Yeah.

Gretchen: How bad?

Tammy: Pennsylvania was Howard plus seven in 2016.

Gretchen: I remember.

Tammy: Delphy plus four.

Gretchen: That’s not… horrible. It could be worse.

Tammy: This was before you made fun of their third-largest city and said you thought it was Narnia.

Gretchen: We still have month until Election Day. We can turn it around.

Tammy: We can. We shouldn’t have to be turning it around in Pennsylvania, but now we must.

Gretchen: We can win Michigan, right?

Tammy: If we want any chance of winning without Pennsylvania, we need to win it. That’s where I’m heading tomorrow. Please don’t insult their third-largest city. Or any city.

Gretchen: I will not. I’m sorry I did this today.

Tammy: Don’t worry too much. We’ll just dump a few more million into Pennsylvania and obviously we’ll have to go to Allentown to acknowledge that they actually exist.

Gretchen: When will we be doing that?

Tammy: Preferably while we’re here. Tomorrow.

Gretchen: Okay. So I have a problem.

Tammy: Oh boy. Lay it on me.

Gretchen: LG Pratt is being a thorn my side and trying to cause problems for me back in Rhode Island while she’s acting governor. I’m gonna leave for Rhode Island right after the rally.

Tammy: Fair enough. I’m going to have to clean up the mess. Let’s just have a good rally.

Gretchen: Sounds good to me!

That night, on the train home…

Gretchen: I can’t believe I just boarded an Amtrak train at ten o’clock at night because my Lieutenant Governor is a psychopath who likes to taunt me.

Carol: Look on the bright side. You won’t have to be heckled in Allentown tomorrow. That’s nice.

Gretchen: You think it would be that bad?

Carol: I don’t think it would be good.

Susana: Oh… no.

Gretchen: Oh, look. The official slogan of this campaign has been uttered again. What now?

Susana: Look at this headline.

Carol: “Raymond flees Pennsylvania after disastrous day.”

Gretchen: So now they think I’m fleeing. Awesome. Thanks, Pratt.

Carol: This will blow over. There’s a debate in four days, this won’t be an issue. Politicians say dumb things all the time. Maybe we’ll even get lucky and Sheryl will nuke Greenland tomorrow.

Gretchen: I appreciate that that’s the optimistic scenario. That the president whose party we’re in will bomb an ally. Really emphasizes how well this is going.

The next day, at Gretchen’s office…

Samantha: Gretchen, what are you doing here?

Gretchen: I had to get back here early to make sure you didn’t change the tax codes or sell Block Island to Massachusetts or make the Family Guy theme song our state song.

Samantha: Wait, you actually came back early to stop me from being acting governor?

Gretchen: You’re laughing? I thought you’d be pissed.

Samantha: Oh, my god. This is hilarious.

Gretchen: Explain to me how.

Carol: I believe she pranked you, Gretchen.

Gretchen: Why, Samantha? You realize you’re not a Republican, right? Why do you want to hurt my campaign?

Samantha: See, I didn’t think you’d actually come home early. I thought Hank and Jeanne and I would annoy you and weigh on your mind, but I thought you’d know we weren’t gonna do anything to impact the future of Rhode Island while you’re gone. It was a prank to throw you off your game!

Gretchen: You’ve only ever been awful to me. We’re not people that “prank” one another. Now you just lost us Pennsylvania.

Samantha: I don’t think I did, but if it makes you feel better to blame me, be my guest.

Gretchen: Carol, is it too late to go back down to Pennsylvania for the campaign event today?

Carol: Yes, Gretchen.

Gretchen: That’s okay. I would probably just weigh her down anyway.

Susana: I think there’s a chance you wouldn’t.

Gretchen: Thank you for the high praise. 

What did you think of the new episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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