DATE: July 4, 1876. The Indianapolis Primates are playing a home game against the Pittsburgh Blue Stockings. The ballpark is packed, with not one of the 3,000 seats empty nor a spot for anyone else to stand in the bullpen; that is, the area in foul territory where late arrivers gather for a discounted price. Late to the game again include SAMUEL, a railway worker who cheers on the Primates as long as they are winning; ABNER, a shoemaker who only goes to the bullpen for the discount; SALLY, ABNER's wife and a cigar-maker; CHESTER, a printer who took the fall when the Primates' one loss in 1875 made the front page; RALPH, a painter who helped paint the ballpark seats but has no choice but to stand in the bullpen because he is constantly late; and WILLIAM, a factory worker and heavy drinker who makes and loses his money gambling on games. ABNER and SALLY are particularly late to this game, having not arrived by the fourth inning.
CHESTER
Do you all suppose Abner and Sally won't make it today?
SAMUEL
I hope they didn't get into a scuffle.
CHESTER
Abner and Sally getting into a scuffle? Nonsense.
SAMUEL
Don't be a fool, Chester, don't you see the way Abner hushes her she speaks?
RALPH
Not always...
SAMUEL
Not always, but a fair amount of time. Perhaps they got into a scuffle, or they simply decided not to attend today's game.
RALPH
It's our country's centennial today, they wouldn't miss this for the world. Unless...
CHESTER
Come to think of it, they did talk about how excited they were for the centennial...
SAMUEL
You don't suppose?!
WILLIAM
This is just what I feared. I could tell Abner wasn't in the best of health.
SAMUEL
Why didn't you say anything?!
WILLIAM
Well, you see...
SAMUEL
Don't even say it.
RALPH hands WILLIAM two dollars.
SAMUEL
You did not bet on Abner's untimely demise. Don't tell me you did!
WILLIAM shrugs.
SAMUEL
I hope you feel shame.
CHESTER
And I hope you hand that money right back over to Ralph because I can see Abner and Sally making their way through the crowd as I speak!
WILLIAM hands RALPH his two dollars back as ABNER and SALLY arrive.
ABNER
What'd I miss?
WILLIAM
Oh, nothing really.
CHESTER
Abner, Sally, we were worried sick about you both!
SALLY
Why that's the silliest thing I've ever heard. We told you we were traveling to the Centennial Exposition.
CHESTER
Yeah, over the weekend.
ABNER
Did you think we'd really make it back any earlier than this? The steam train takes 30 hours from Philadelphia to Indianapolis you know!
CHESTER
I wouldn't, actually, I've never been on one.
SAMUEL
I see my work has been done in vain to you, Chester.
CHESTER
I'm sure a lot of people enjoy your railways, Samuel.
SALLY
Doesn't anyone care to ask us about it?
WILLIAM
Fine. How was it?
SALLY
Oh, well it was just amazing. It's truly a wonderful experience being in Philadelphia. And we ate the most wonderful food. Tell them about it honey.
ABNER
We had these exotic yellow curved fruits. What were they named again, dear?
SALLY
Bananas. You had three of them, you loved them so much.
ABNER
Three that you know of. If only they had such a thing around here.
SALLY
And I enjoyed the root beer.
CHESTER
Root beer? What will they think of next?
WILLIAM
Alright, never mind that, if you two won't mind we're here to watch a ball game, aren't we?
RALPH
Tell me more about the root beer, Sally.
SALLY
I'm not quite sure, actually. I'd long to experience it again. You just can't experience that in this area.
SAMUEL
And what about this bunyunya?
ABNER
Banana!
SALLY
Oh don't remind him of them, he's already craving more!
SAMUEL
Is it like a pear?
ABNER
Oh it's like no other kind of fruit. You peel it, and then you get a fork and knife and eat it. It's a delicacy, alright. Worth every penny.
WILLIAM
Guys! Ballgame!
ABNER
He's right, everyone. The more I think of the bananas, the more I want to take the train back to Philadelphia. Let's focus.
ABNER [to the pitcher]
TOSS ONE OVER THE PLATE, WILL YA?
The pitcher throws the ball over the plate, but the batter asked for it high.
UMPIRE
Ball!
SALLY [to the umpire]
CLOSE ENOUGH!
CHESTER
Do you see that, William? Abner and Sally are alive and...behaving as their usual selves.
WILLIAM
I have two eyes.