Amy: Are you coming to my Halloween party this weekend, Marietta?
Marietta: Halloween party? How did I not know about this before?
Tammy: Yes, you did!
Marietta: What? No, I didn’t!
Tammy: I was here when she asked you last week.
Marietta: I was in mourning last week.
Amy: It’s really okay, just let me know if you’re going by tomorrow and I’m good.
Marietta: When is it?
Amy: Halloween. October 31st.
Marietta: Okay, good. I can still do trick-or-treat at the mayor’s mansion.
Tammy: I’m excited for it, I love seeing the little kids’ faces light up when we hand them full-size candy bars.
Marietta: I just got my Janet costume down from the attic, it’s gonna be a good night!
Tammy: Those poor kids will be so confused again. They’ve never seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show!
Amy: I just want you guys to know, I’m having a costume party. There’s going to be a costume contest and everything, so maybe find new costumes that I haven’t seen already. It might boost your chances of winning.
Tammy: I love my Elphaba costume, but I’ll find something else. I wish I had some more time to look, I’m known for my fun costumes.
Marietta: I already know what I’m gonna be.
Amy: Not Janet.
Marietta: No, not Janet.
Amy: Thank god.
Marietta: You hate it, too?
Amy: A little. Oh, by the way. I want your whole family at the party. Your parents, your aunt, your cousins, Milton, everyone.
Marietta: Way to brush off the fact that you just insulted my costume.
At Martin and Patty Lynn’s, on the day of the party…
Patty Lynn: They’re here, Martin!
Martin: I’m coming down, I just need to finish my makeup.
Kathleen: You were supposed to let me do it!
Martin: Well, why didn’t you come to the bathroom to help me when I asked?
Kathleen: Patty Lynn was doing my makeup.
Patty Lynn: Can you guys be quiet? We have guests.
Milton: You just have me right now. Until you answer the door, that is. You should really answer the door.
Patty Lynn: Oh, right.
Patty Lynn opens the door.
Marietta: Hi, mom!
Patty Lynn: Oh my god!
Marietta: Pretty great, right?
Patty Lynn: What are you supposed to be? It’s frightening.
Marietta: I’m Mary Shelley Long.
Tammy: I told her it was stupid, she didn’t agree. She’s living in 1984.
Patty Lynn: What does it mean?
Marietta: One half of me is Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein.
Patty Lynn: Uh-huh.
Marietta: The other half of me is dressed up as Diane Chambers from Cheers, a character played by Shelley Long.
Milton: What, were they all out of Lucille Ball costumes?
Marietta: Shut up, Milton.
Milton: Testy.
Marietta: What are you even supposed to be?
Milton: I’m a ghost butler. From The Haunted Mansion.
Marietta: Mine’s better.
Tammy: Don’t worry, Milton. You’re in good company. My exquisite recreation of Winifred from Hocus Pocus is apparently not good enough for her.
Marietta: It’s nice. It’s just not as creative as mine.
Patty Lynn: Creative, or nonsensical?
Marietta: Creative!
Martin and Kathleen walk down the stairs.
Kathleen: Marietta, what the heck is that?
Martin: It’s Mary Shelley Long. Clearly!
Patty Lynn: You don’t know who Liz Lemon is but you know that?
Martin: I’m sorry we have different interests.
Kathleen: Oh my god, that’s why you made me paint your face yellow?
Marietta: Liz Lemon isn’t yellow!
Patty Lynn: It’s interpretive.
Marietta: I interpret it as stupid.
Milton: You both look dumb, enough said.
Martin: They look good in their own ways.
Patty Lynn: You’re lucky, old man.
Marietta: I think you look good too, dad. Jack Skellington is a classic, classy choice.
Martin: I’m Beetlejuice!
Milton: Oh dad… no you’re not.
Martin: Patty Lynn, you said this was Beetlejuice!
Kathleen: You didn’t know when I painted your face like a skeleton?
Patty Lynn: Or when you didn’t find a wig in the costume package?
Martin: I should’ve known. It’s on me.
Marietta: I suppose we should go to this party if we’re done arguing about costumes now?
Kathleen: No one asked about my costume!
Marietta: You’re a Ghostbuster. I can tell.
Kathleen: A ghostbuster covered in slime.
Marietta: Yes, lovely.
Kathleen: I’m glad you like it. Martin didn’t like it.
Martin: I didn’t say that. I said I didn’t understand why you had slime on you for a Ghostbusters comment.
Kathleen: The sheer ignorance of that statement repulses me.
Marietta: Now can we go to the party?
Tammy: My car is still running, so that sounds great.
Patty Lynn: This better be a good party. We canceled family dinner for it.
Marietta: We didn’t cancel it, we’re spending the night together anyway and Amy will have food.
Patty Lynn: Not the same.
Marietta: Yes, it is.
Tammy: Come on Shelley, let’s go.
Martin: Yes, let’s! I’m only going to be able to stand this face paint for so long before I’ll have to run to the bathroom to wash it off.
Patty Lynn: Why didn’t you just wear a mask?
Martin: You bought the costume!
Patty Lynn: There was a mask in there.
Martin: I think I’d know that.
Kathleen: There was. You just insisted on painting your face.
Marietta: You’re a mess today, dad.
Martin: I know.
Thirty minutes later, at Amy’s party…
Amy: Marietta! Tammy! Landfields! You’re here!
Marietta: Of course we are.
Amy: What is that?
Marietta: What’s what?
Tammy: She’s talking about your costume.
Amy: Oh, Tammy! That’s beautiful.
Tammy: It’s made of imported European fabrics.
Amy: Don’t tell anyone, but you’re a frontrunner already.
Marietta: We get it, Tammy. You’re rich. Don’t rub it in.
Tammy: You’re also rich!
Marietta: Anyway, I’m Mary Shelley Long and I look great and I’m super clever and I’m gonna eat some pigs in a blanket now.
Amy: Did I offend you?
Tammy: That’s not hard to do tonight.
Marietta storms over to a table with food on it.
Patty Lynn: Oh, my god! Amy, you look terrifying!
Amy: What do you mean?
Patty Lynn: You’re dressed as the most terrifying thing I can imagine.
Amy: Frances Conner?
Patty Lynn: Yes! That woman terrifies me. She eliminated me from Bake Your Heart Out! I cried for days.
Amy: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.
Patty Lynn: You didn’t. You just scared me. I go for nice, happy costumes usually.
Amy: You look… yellow. Lisa Simpson?
Patty Lynn: Liz Lemon. It’s a unique interpretation, I’m not mad that you didn’t know what I was.
Amy: Who is Liz Lemon?
Patty Lynn: She’s a character on 30 Rock, a show I watched this summer. Marietta tells me I “binged” it since I watched it in one week, but I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.
Amy: Hey, where’s Eliza? I thought she was coming.
Milton: She was going to come but her babysitter fell through. Kyle and Maria aren’t here either because of little Katharine.
Amy: Oh, that’s all right. I’m just glad you guys came. We have a lot of fun.
Milton: I’ve had fun watching Marietta’s mental breakdown over no one understanding her costume, so the fun has already begun.
Amy: What is she supposed to be again?
Martin: Mary Shelley Long! Frankenstein author Mary Shelley, combined with Cheers star Shelley Long.
Amy: That’s a unique costume.
Marietta: I told you! And yet, no one gives me credit for my uniqueness. It’s a disgrace.
Amy: It’s nice. It’s just a bit obscure, but that’s okay.
Marietta: You say “obscure,” I say “brilliant.”
Amy: Sure.
Patty Lynn: Amy, this punch is divine.
Marietta: Are you trying to take my spotlight, now?
Tammy: Maybe you should just go sit at a table and calm down. It’ll be okay. You seem upset.
Marietta: Fine. I will. I won't like it, but I will.
Two hours later…
Amy: Okay, y’all. It’s been a fun night and it isn’t nearly over yet.
Marietta: Woo-hoo…
Amy: We have the costume contest yet! Everyone that wants to enter, come on up. Everyone else, you’ll be writing down your three favorite costumes so we can get our podium winners.
Marietta: Tammy, vote for me!
Tammy: No!
Marietta: What, why not? I know you don’t get it but I’m your friend.
Tammy: I’m entering the contest.
Marietta: You are? Why? To feel the same disappointment as me?
Tammy: My costume is good.
Marietta: It’s a witch just like every other year!
Milton: Witch, please!
Marietta: I swear to god, Milton, if you ever do that again, I will disown you.
Milton: Sorry.
Tammy: We’re both going to do the contest. Now, let’s go up so we can enter.
Marietta: Fine. Mom, dad, Kathleen, Milton, you better vote for me. I know none of you are entering.
Kathleen: Not after your dad told me my costume was stupid.
Milton: I just said I didn’t get it.
Patty Lynn: I will vote for you, Marietta.
Marietta Thank you.
Marietta and Tammy walk to the center of the ballroom to take part in the costume competition.
Amy: I’m going to put numbers on all of you since I know we don’t all know each others’ names or what each costume is supposed to be.
Marietta: Is that a dig at me?
Amy: No, of course not.
Marietta: I don’t know about that.
Amy: Each competitor will walk down the center of the ballroom to show off their costume. All of our judges will give everyone a look and mark their choices. We have fun prizes for our three highest vote-getters story and sell your costume the best you can!
Patty Lynn: I didn’t know there were prizes, I would’ve entered.
Martin: You would’ve lost.
Patty Lynn: You don't know that. At least I know what my costume is.
Martin: No one else does.
Kathleen: Stop fighting!
Patty Lynn: That’s rich coming from you.
Marietta: I just want everyone to know that I am dressed as Mary Shelley Long, a combination of Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein, and actress Shelley Long from Cheers. Jut in case you didn’t get it. I thought you should all know.
Man: No one cares!
Marietta: That’s mean.
Amy: That was submission #1! Submission #2, come on out!
Tammy: They’re gonna love me, Marietta. Just you watch.
Marietta: It’s impossible to be more disliked than me. This party is not as fun as I was told it would be.
Twenty minutes later…
Amy: In third place, dressed as M-
Marietta: Did I win? Oh my god!
Amy: Minnie Mouse
Marietta: Damn it!
Amy: - is Congresswoman Ginnie Pappadone!
Marietta: Bunch of kiss-asses. These people just want to get on her good side so they can ask her for favors. They want power.
Tammy: You’re the mayor!
Marietta: You think anyone in this room respects me?
Tammy: You have a point.
Amy: In second place, dressed as a king cake, is Roger Danielson.
Marietta: Someone dressed up as a king cake? And I didn’t see it?
Tammy: You’ve been very self-centered tonight. You’re just crying about your costume.
Amy: In first place, winning our ninth annual costume contest, is…
Marietta: Come on, give me a miracle!
Amy: Dressed as Winifred Sanderson, Tammy Yarborough.
Marietta: WHAT?
Tammy: I feel practically bewitched! Thank you all.
Amy: That does it for our costume contest! Of course, there’s still a lot of partying left, so everyone get to it! I need y’all to eat some of this food because I don’t have room in my fridge for all of it!
Patty Lynn: That’s your cue, Martin. Here’s my purse. Go get dinner for tomorrow.
Martin: Okay, here I go.
Kathleen: Stop, Martin. Amy is a friend. We can just ask her for leftovers if our resident baker over here wants to.
Patty Lynn: Fine, I will.
Kathleen: You are not hurting me by saying that. That was my suggestion.
Marietta: Milton!
Milton: I’m sorry you didn’t win, Marietta. I didn’t get your costume but I still voted for you.
Marietta: Cut the crap, Amy already told me you didn’t vote for me.
Milton: I’m sorry! I take this very seriously.
Marietta: I will win next year.
Milton: You will not, but I admire you for trying.
Marietta: I don’t need your pity! I needed your vote!
Milton: If it makes you feel better, I voted for you for mayor.
Marietta: No.
Milton: Well, I tried. Can we move on from the costumes now? There’s so much more to do at this party. How about bobbing for apples?
Marietta: That’s unsanitary.
Milton: We can dance.
Marietta: Mom will join in and break a hip.
Milton: Is there anything you want to do? Do you even want to have fun?
Marietta: Yes. Fine, let’s dance.
Don (Amy’s husband): Marietta, you look great. Mary Shelley Long is such a creative costume idea! I vote for you.
Marietta: Oh my, Don, that’s so kind. I like your ship captain costume.
Don: I’m a lighthouse keeper.
Marietta: It’s great either way!
Milton: Finally someone recognized your costume. You happy?
Marietta: Yes. Tammy dancing around with that sash on is making me feel worse though so let’s get to dancing!
Three hours later, on the ride home…
Marietta: That was so much fun!
Patty Lynn: I got so much food, I loved it. Y’all are coming over for dinner tomorrow, okay?
Milton: Mom, I gotta go back to DC
Patty Lynn: Oh, come on, Milton! One day!
Milton: I have to go back. Kate and Ellie will kill me if I miss a vote because I needed to have Sunday dinner with my mom. We spent all night tonight together.
Patty Lynn: That’s not gonna help me get rid of this food.
Kathleen: You took too much.
Patty Lynn: Amy told me to take it all.
Kathleen: I don’t think she meant that literally.
Patty Lynn: Well, she said it.
Marietta: So, Tammy, our costume queen…
Tammy: I’m scared.
Marietta: Don’t be! I’m just wondering what you got for winning the contest. What was your big prize?
Tammy: A hundred dollar gift card to Olive Garden.
Marietta: That’s it? I was sad about losing that? Yikes. Thank god I turned my mood around later. Yeesh.
Tammy: Hey, I like my prize!
Marietta: Yeah, good for you.
What did you think of the new episode of Marietta? Comment your thoughts, listen to the official season three playlist, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return next week for an all-new episode!
