Cindy walks into the house.
Betty: Someone’s late!
Cindy: I got the absolute worst news on the way home from work. I got a call from church, so I had to pull over to answer it -
Teri: What a freak.
Danielle: You’re probably going to hell for that one.
Teri: I’ve long had a trip booked there.
Cindy: Anyway, it was from the office manager, Clara. She said that Pastor Kris had a “medical incident” today during a church activity, and he was rushed to the hospital, and he died. Pastor Kris died.
Jerry: Oh my god!
Teri: Literally.
Karl: Teri!
Teri: Sorry.
Ralph: On the plus side -
Tammi: I don’t think there’s a plus side.
Ralph: Per your religion, he’s with Jesus now. He’s a pastor, he’d probably be pretty happy about that.
Cindy: He was barely older than me!
Teri: I mean, you are a great-grandmother…
Karl: Why do you think this is the time for jokes?
Teri: I try to lighten the mood.
Cindy: I think I just need to be upset right now.
Teri: I’ll respect that.
Tammi: This is unbelievable.
Frank: We just saw him yesterday and he was fine! What happened?
Cindy: His family asked for privacy.
Betty: Could’ve been a stroke, a heart attack, a brain aneurysm. I’m old, I’m see people taken down by all of those things, and it happens fast.
Danielle :You mean, like, you’ve watched it all happen? Are you a bad omen?
Betty: No, I mean I’ve known people that died from those things. I’m not a jinx.
Danielle: Just in case… maybe I should make dinner tonight. And sleep in the guest house.
Ralph: Jeanette and Rick are out there.
Danielle: Dammit! Well, I guess I can roll the dice.
Cindy: Hey! Woman in mourning here!
Danielle: I am so sorry for your loss.
Karl: We all are. We know just how close you are with your church community. If you want to talk, I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m here to listen.
Cindy: I think I’m just going to lie down. I have a headache from all the crying.
Karl: Do you want me to keep you company?
Teri: He better not mean that in a sexual way.
Ralph: He always does.
Jerry: No, I don’t!
Steven: I really can’t believe this. How can God cut the life of a good man so short, when he seemed so full of life?
Tammi: He works in mysterious ways, kiddo. I think maybe heaven just needed an angel a bit more than Lakey did.
Ralph: It would make sense, based on the state of our world, that we are facing an angel shortage up there.
Teri: Is Ralph talking religion? Has Hell frozen over?
Ralph: Just speaking in hypotheticals here, don’t get too excited.
Frank: I have to make a phone call.
Tammi: To who?
Frank: I want to talk to my dad about it. He always knows what to say.
Betty: Wait, there’s two of you? Gosh, I never considered that.
Teri: Did you think he just spontaneously hatched from an egg one day?
Betty: Sort of. It fits his personality. Plus, it’s not like he’s ever talked about his family before.
Frank: I talk about my family all the time! You just never listen!
Betty: Okay, that… that does make sense.
Tammi: Grandma, he officiated our wedding!
Betty: I was only physically there. It was a very stressful time for me. I felt like my granddaughter was throwing her life away, my mind was just racing with all the horrible possibilities of how that marriage could go wrong.
Tammi: But it hasn’t!
Betty: Eh… you could do better.
Frank: I don’t disagree.
A few days later…
Teri: I thought that was a very nice service.
Betty: And Cindy your eulogy was beautiful. You and all the other congregants who spoke really made it clear how much you cared for your pastor. It’s going to be so hard to replace him.
Cindy: I don’t even want to think about replacing him.
Danielle: Do you guys have any clue how they’r going to go about picking the replacement?
Cindy: To my knowledge, there was no successor in place. He was young enough and happy in his job, no one felt the need to plan the out.
Teri: That was clearly an error of judgment.
Cindy: Yeah, clearly.
Danielle: What are they going to do about church services?
Ralph: I hope they do like a revolving door of pastors, like they did with Jeopardy! hosts when Alex Trebek died.
Jerry: I don’t know if instability is really the solution here.
Tammi: It’ll be hard to go in there and not see him regardless of how they proceed. I just know they’ll do whatever they feel is right, and I can live with that.
Teri: I guess we should get out of here, and give the family their privacy.
Karl: Isn’t there a reception? I wouldn’t want to force anyone to leave before that.
Teri: I would feel awkward going to that. Most of us didn’t even go to the church. Why don’t those of us who aren’t church regulars head home and the rest of you can drive home together after the reception?
Cindy: That would be fine. I certainly don’t want to force anyone to go somewhere they’re uncomfortable.
Ralph: Ah, good. I mean zero disrespect, but I’d feel like an intruder going to the funeral of a man I’ve met maybe twice.
Jerry: I felt the same way when Betty kept dragging us to the funerals of all her dead old friends.
Betty: They were dear lifelong partners.
Ralph: Mom, wording it that way just makes you all sound like lesbians.
Betty: And what’s wrong with that? I like lesbians. I like Ellen.
Teri: I don’t know if we’re allowed to say that anymore.
Steven: Dory is cool. Maybe that should’ve been Caitlin’s middle name! We could always change it…
Alysa: Maybe keep that one in mind for the next one.
Cindy: In ten to fifteen years.
Tammi: I don’t want to wait that long for another. They already sinned and then got married while in high school, might as well go full steam ahead like mom and dad did.
Danielle: What do you mean?
Tammi: You know I do have a brother…
Danielle: Well he never shows his face, how am I supposed to remember? I’m not related to you people!
Ralph: Making your continued presence all the more egregious!
Later that day…
Betty: Is that a man standing at our front door?
Karl: It certainly appears to be.
Betty: Why?
Teri: I can't see him from here, does it look like a Jehovah’s Witness?
Danielle: Do they have a certain look to them?
Teri: Freaky and weird.
Danielle: That’s terribly judgmental.
Teri: Well, if they don’t want to be judged, they shouldn’t be bothering me in the middle of the day.
Danielle: you’re barely ever home in the middle of the day.
Teri: And yet, guess who shows up when I do have off…
Karl: It’s not a telemarketer.
Teri: Who is it, then?
Karl: It’s Frank’s dad.
Betty: Ah, god! No!
Karl: Yes.
Betty: How would you know?
Karl: We’ve met him! He officiated Tammi’s wedding. He’s been here multiple times. We’ve been over this.
Betty: I guess I just suppressed it.
Karl: We’ve met him several times!
Betty: Doesn’t ring a bell.
Teri: I wonder if he’s aware of what a big fan you are of his son!
Betty: Don’t even say that. Don’t accuse me of something so awful.
Karl: I think we should go greet him, maybe let him in. It’s cold out.
Betty: No! We have one of them already, that’s more than enough.
Karl: It’s the decent thing to do.
Teri: Oh god, I think Jeanette’s beating us to it.
Betty: Jeanette! No! Jeanette!!!!!
On the porch…
Jeanette: Hey there! I just noticed you hanging around out here and I wanted to make sure all is well. Are they expecting you here?
Rick: Are you casing the joint?
Jeanette: Rick!
Rick: It’s best to be blunt.
Calvin (Frank’s dad): I have no ill intention. I’m here to see my son.
Rick: Son?
Calvin: Frank.
Rick: Oh! Betty doesn’t liken him much.
Calvin: Really? He always talks about how much he likes her.
Rick: She probably holds him a knifepoint.
Calvin: Is she that bad?
Betty: Howdy!
Calvin: Betty! Great to see you again!
Betty: And you are…?
Karl: Haha, very funny!
Betty: I wasn-
Karl: She loves to joke.
Calvin: I recall her having quite the sense of humor.
Teri: Oh, yeah. Always joking. So many jokes.
Karl: Why don’t you come on in? It’s freezing out here, you don’t need to stand in this.
Calvin: Ah, this is nothing compared to Jersey!
Betty: You’re from New Jersey? Lovely!
Calvin: You knew that, you were at my house before.
Ralph: And she would love to return!
Calvin: I’d be more than willing to have you.
Betty: Great! Awesome!
Karl: All right, in we go. Oh, and you brought a bag.
Calvin: Just an overnight bag, I’m not going to feel like driving home. I don’t want to intrude but I knew you had a guest house, so I figured I could -
Jeanette: That’s our place for now. You can sleep on the couch, though!
Calvin: Oh, I won’t impose. I can find a hotel.
Karl: No, we have a big, finished basement with a pull-out couch. You can stay there and make yourself feel at home.
Betty: Yay!
Later the day…
Betty: Oh my gosh, look who has finally returned! And not a moment too soon.
Cindy: It was so nice to reminisce. So many memories.
Alysa: So many people assumed I was Steven’s sister. It was traumatizing.
Steven: It was worse when I slapped you on the -
Alysa: No, we don’t need to discuss that. It’s a solemn day. Not to mention, that was very embarrassing.
Karl: You did that at a funeral?
Tammi: I was the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed.
Steven: I was tying to get them to stop asking mom why she never brought her daughter with to church! They were assuming she was a… I can’t even say it.
Tammi: An atheist.
Alysa: But thankfully, I was able to explain that I was his teenage wife and mother of his child who is also an Episcopalian and just made it so much worse. So that was nice.
Karl: Well, we have a guest. Frank, I think you know him pretty well.
Frank: Glen Powell?
Karl: What? Why would Glen Powell be here? Who is Glen Powell?
Frank: My favorite actor!
Karl: Okay.
Calvin: Son!
Frank: Dad! What are you doing here?
Calvin: I have an idea.
Teri: And you drove her just to say it?
Alysa: I think I need a shower.
Steven: Don’t you have to feed the baby?
Alysa: Where even is the baby?
Jeanette: You had us watch her. And she had a wonderful day.
Alysa: Maybe I should just go to bed. So much trauma today.
Steven: Babe, it’s six o’clock.
Alysa: Did you have to wake up at 4 AM to feed a screaming baby?
Steven: No…
Alysa: Then you should be quiet.
Karl: Anyway, Frank, your dad was telling us about this plan. I think you’ll like it! All of you!
Jerry: Is he moving here? Do I have competition now for best grandpa?
Karl: Calvin, take it away.
Calvin: As you know, I recently retired from my church. It was getting to be too much after losing your mother, and I just needed a rest. But after you called me for consolation about you pastor’s untimely passing, I felt it was a sign from God to come down here and get back into the ministry. I want to offer my services to serve as your church’s pastor, just on an interim basis. It’ll take the stress off of your church’s administrative board to find a permanent replacement if they have someone qualified to take over in the interim.
Teri: Are you implying God killed their pastor to bring you here?
Calvin: No, never.
Ralph: That’s how I took it, too. Do you see why I don’t believe?
Cindy: I think it’s a good idea.
Calvin: You do?
Cindy: Look, I’m still heartbroken, but I’ve attended services at your church. You’re an inspiring speaker, you are super qualified, and I can vouch for you. I think the board would be on board with bringing you on.
Calvin: Great!
Frank: Although, dad… you really need to learn that you could just ask me over the phone. You didn’t have to drive her until you had some sort of approval. What if we already had someone?
Calvin: Well, then I’d just have taken a trip and only gotten to see my son, and daughter-in-law, and grandson, and his new wife and child. That’s still worth the drive. Were is that great-granddaughter of mine, anyway.
Alysa: Here, take her. I need to relax. I’m not curt out for this church thing. Us Episcopalians -
Cindy: Animals.
Alysa: we’re very lax about it all. Hence why I let her slide on that remark.
Calvin: So, they offered to let me stay in the basement. I’ll do that tonight, and if you confirm that I’m getting the position, I’ll look for an apartment.
Frank: What about the house?
Calvin: Don’t worry! I’ll go back and get more things that I’ll need while I’m here. But Patsy and Michael are keeping watch, so all is well. Of course, I’ll have to change my mailing address… getting ahead of myself!
Frank: Dad, we can sleep in the bas-
Tammi: No.
Frank: Never mind!
Calvin: I heard nothing!
Teri: Wow, his hearing’s even worse than mom’s then!
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
